Work full time and do all of the childcare during the weekends.

[NeoXY]

My DP is SAHP for the first year of our DD’s life and obviously looks after her Monday to Friday, although I always put her to bed.

However, apart from the first nap in the morning I’m doing all of the looking after during all of the weekends (I also do almost all of the cooking).

What do other families do where one parent works full time and one is SAHP? How do you share the looking after and the chores?

I think this comment is rather relevant. It sounds like you were / are the main carer and don’t have much me time, whilst your husband who works helps out as much as he can and presumably gets some me time?
The situation I’m describing is my husband is the main carer and he does have me time , whilst I work but pretty much fully take over during the weekends and I’m the one who doesn’t have me time.

So also I’m the one dealing with the tired bedtime chaos, especially if DH didn’t get DD nap as well as he could’ve done knowing he won’t be the one dealing with the evening.

I’m a SAHP, I do all cooking we do have a cleaner, but mostly I do laundry etc. Dh does bins, fills fridge, tidy up after DD in bed (just her toys, books etc, it’s mostly done but just odds and sods).

We both do bits for Dd evening routine (I don’t know how we got here but the routine involves reading 6 stories - it’s long but we share it out). DH usually does night wake ups because they are very brief, she prefers him and he settles her very quickly and he can go back to sleep immediately whereas once I’m up it can take an hour to get back to sleep. However DD is really unsettled so I’ve been up with her for long wake ups because Dh has to drive and I would rather he didn’t if he’s extremely sleep deprived (it’s been very bad hours and hours).

On weekends, both days Dh gives Dd breakfast so I have a short lie in (I’m up before him on weekdays) we switch over so he can have a shower (this is like an hour) but then he’ll take her out for between 2-3 hours on a Saturday . Rest of weekend is us doing things as a family.

….I have absolutely zero feelings about you whatsoever. But you asked a question, and I answered it.

@CaptainFlubby

I didnt ask you a question.

Youve seemingly joined a thread with the sole purpose of having a go at me.

That definitely suggests you have feelings.

DH always does bedtime as well, but thats because he wants to, it’s the only time she’s not in motion and you can get a cuddle.

It doesn’t sound as if it is quite the right even split so talk and work out what is. Does the week work - you doing all the night times and bedtimes seems a good starting point to start with. Then carving out family time and downtime for both which with 1 child is perfectly feasible

I'm your husband in this situation. I am on mat leave and he does most of the bedtimes and weekend childcare. I do cook though. I find being alone with a baby incredibly dull and stressful.

Presumably, if possible, appreciate not everyone will be able to, it is beneficial for the child to have a SAHP for a period of time, especially the first 6 to 12 months (our is for 12months as mentioned in my post).

I’m talking from developmental perspective of the baby. The parent probably has more vested interest to bond / interact etc… than any other carer.

I gather some people have ‘issues’ with SAHP but I imagine usually they are talking about people who gave up work and have older children (nothing wrong with that either btw if that works for that family unit)

My dh works full time. I work 10 hrs per week. Ds is at school (normally) so I do mornings and after school. During day if not working I do cleaning and walk dog. Dh helps with bed time . At weekends it's 50/50.

Posted too soon - when I go back to work full time I will share childcare more as we did before, we are on baby 3. I have a fairly senior role in a stressful consultancy environment. Would actually rather have a partner shouting at me over a £200k budget deficit than deal with the 2yo sometimes 😳. We are both happy with how things are split though, DH misses the kids whilst he's working as will I when I'm not stuck at home all week...

@NeoXY

Im not sure I'd class 6 months to a year as being a sahp as opposed to taking mat/pat leave.

I dont think they're the same.

I'm not sure I'd agree its necessary for bonding or development either

Not really relevant to you post though.

Your split isn't fair regardless of why he's not working.

You joined this thread to bring the OP a shitty attitude of ‘I would never let either of us be a SAHP’ as if you’re some how better. The OP asked for SAHP advice, if you haven’t got any, why respond? Because you’re a goady person looking to belittle the OP.

No one is impressed that neither of you is. SAHP. Literally, no one cares.

@CaptainFlubby

See?

Feelings

This is why I feel I should give my DH a break. I’m sure we all love our babies but you don’t get much adult interaction from them. So I do feel like I do more than DH but it’s not the same ‘activity’ 7 days a week. I just wonder how many men with their DW’s on mat leave think the same way.

Also, I’m your DP in this situation and I still give my DH a morning lay in during the week, I encourage him to go out to do his hobby and see his friends. I don’t expect all his free time to be dedicated to housework or child care. He gets down time and so do I

Keep trying love, but really, no one cares.

@CaptainFlubby

You do.

❤️

I'm a SAHP and my DH works full time.

We work on a basis of working time. When he's at work so am I which means I do all the childcare and household tasks at that time.

I like cooking so do all that too.

When he's not at work we're equal parents and that means he clears up after tea, helps put the kids to bed, does the bins and garden etc.

We split weekends a bit. Near the end of the week we ask if either of us needs some kid free time at the weekend. Usually it means we have half of Saturday each and we do family things on Sundays.

It's really important for SAHPs to get some kid free time and to have space to reset and be them.

@CaptainFlubby

I knew you loved me really

O an each get a lay in sat/sun. We don't do loads of our own stuff but if one is seeing friends etc the other has kids. Dh does gym every morning before work. I often exercise etc while ds is at school. At home we will sometimes escape for half hour if other is entertaining child. Or take a break if need it. Ds is in bed 730-730 though so we always get evenings. Housework is more my domain although dh does a bit at wkend but could do more. I seem to carry all the mental load which is a bone of contention.

I actually posted this on a thread yesterday.

My friend works full time and his DW is the SAHP.

She does night wakings and mornings and all day whilst he’s at work.

But as soon as he gets home, he takes over all childcare and puts them to bed and he does all of the childcare one day at the weekend and the other day is 50/50 as it’s a family day.

I think you definitely need to give DH a proper break from childcare but I do think being a SAHP should be similar to a 8-6 job, sp you both do your jobs between 8-6 and then when you get home the childcare should be more 50/50.

Maybe he could have a hobby in the evening or one day at the weekend so he gets his time away from the DCs but he still needs to parent equally.

@CaptainFlubby he does the cleaning during the weekends and if there were any other non-regular chores that built up. He doesn’t just sit around doing nothing. But once he is finished with all that he has time to read books, go cycling etc..

But at the moment the assumption is I do all of the childcare at the weekend and if I want or need to do something I have to tell him he needs to take charge. I can tell he feels like he is doing me a favour 😏.

Thanks again for all the posts. As mentioned, once my job becomes more demanding we will need to sit down and split the weekends more equally; i.e. some set times rather than the current set up where I have to tell my DH that I’m going to need some time without DD, otherwise it is assumed I’m in charge of her for the whole weekend (unless we are doing things together of course)

I think Twizbe approach is the best one and was what I was trying to get at but they’ve explained it much better than I have.