Didn't realise dd is overweight

[heydorothea]

NCed because I posted earlier in the week and I don't want to out myself.

DD's dad weighed her at his today and her BMI puts her at slightly overweight. She's very tall for her age, she's always been at the heaviest end of healthy weight for her height since she was tiny but relative to her height. She's now just into the overweight band. I feel like shit for not realising, her dad hasn't seen her for a few weeks so probably a better judge than I am. She struggles with body image as it is and I feel awful.

She's about the age I was when I started my periods and I remember my mother commenting I'd gained weight around that time. My childhood and weight are a whole other thread. I really don't want that for DD. WIBU to leave her be for now and see what happens? I don't want to draw attention to it, her dad does.

Why did he weigh a girl who you say is old enough to be starting her period. This seems very odd and a bit of a red flag.

BMI is outdated and I really wouldn't worry about it if it is slightly overweight

As long as she is eating well and is active no problem and be careful how concerned you are around her and with mentioning things, you don't want to cause an eating disorder

She is probably due a growth spurt.
If you are really concerned, look at the families diet and exercise routines.
Don’t mention it to her, but maybe plan to increase your activity as a family. Go for walks after dinner, walk the dog, walk to the shops rather than drive, family picnic and walk on a weekend.
Also time to teach her to cook, if she doesn’t already, discuss what makes a healthy meal, portion sizes for different age groups and exercise levels. Then get her to cook once a week and have her plan the menu and portions.

We used this an exercise to teach weight, measures and fractions as well as how to read a recipe. ( my girls struggled with the difference between 1/2 a cup and 1 1/2 cups on the measuring cup)

I asked him to. I don't have scales in the house.

She's very active. Her diet is probably ok on balance, she eats a lot of rubbish at her dad's which I can't control so I try to balance it out when she's with me. She's with him one night a week and eow, more over the summer.

My mother gave me major issues with food when I was a little older than she is now and I'm terrified of doing that to her. But I'm also terrified of doing nothing and letting her down.

I don’t think you should mention it. Just focus on making sure her diet is healthy but maybe on the slightly low sugar / fat side - just a little. And keep her active. But no obvious focus or comments.

So she’s 10, 12?
My DD used to put on a bit of weight and then have a growth spurt. She was always on the chunky side, no idea how she wasn’t overweight when they were weighed in Y6. But as she’s grown taller she’s lost about a stone, through eating healthier and doing more exercise. She will pig out but then reins it in with eating salads for a bit.
Does she do any sports? If not, maybe martial arts is good to tone up and learn new skills.

Sorry took too long typing. I would say same as previous poster, keep her active and eating healthily at your house without mentioning weight.

I don’t think the usual BMI calculation works properly until you’ve finished growing anyway?

have you plotted her weight and height on the growth chart in her red book and compared it to her birth weight trajectory? The charts go up to age 18.

I’d have a look at that rather than worry about BMI. If you are still concerned concentrate on activity rather than food (agree completely that a parental over focus on diet can mess you up for years).

She's 10. Her dad thinks she's piled on weight, but I don't think he would have thought that if I hadn't said anything. She definitely hasn't 'piled on' weight but she probably is visibly pudgier.

I don't know her exact height and I don't want to make a bigger deal of it by measuring her. But depending on that, she's somewhere between 91st and 94th centile for weight which is showing up as overweight on the NHS calculator.

Girl often get puppy fat when their hormones kick in

It might be worth talking to DDs Dad about his preparing healthier meals for DD when he has her and his trying to cut down on the "not so good" snacks she has at his.

Also it's been lockdown and covid for most of last 2 years so people have piled on weight as many clubs are only really starting up in last few months.

I think you're right not to make a big deal of it. Eating disorders can be caused so easily in young impressionable teenagers and really it's about being healthy and encouraging healthy (but not draconian) eating options and habits without making a big deal about it. Your DD may likely already be aware she is a bit bigger so softly and supportive is the way forward.

If she’s always been at the higher end of healthy, this was always a fairly likely situation.

It sounds like she’s been eating at the higher end of a sensible amount for a while and it’s just tipped a over (not uncommon in the holidays). So reducing empty calories or portion sizes slightly, or changing proportions would probably be a good idea anyway.

But if things have just changed a little there’s no point in catastrophizing. It’s only changed a little so shouldn’t be too hard to make adjustments.

If he's worried about her weight, then maybe he should focus on her not eating too much crap while she's with him.

You could remark that you think she’s a bit taller (which will make her excited) and then measure her height. You need to know her exact height so you can check which percentile she is. Your estimates put her high on the chart, but I wouldn’t mention food or weight in front of her because that leads to ED. Behind the scenes, ensure she is active and be mindful of her portions (obviously a tall 10 year old will eat a similar amount to an 12 year old but not the same amount as a man).

This.

Don't make a fuss about it, as it really is no big deal at her age.

Just make sure she has a healthy diet when she's with you. Cook from scratch, lots of fresh fruit, veg, salad. Don't keep many snacks in the house and make sure she's active.

Do you do a sport together? Parkrun on a Saturday morning? A class or a swim after school? Even just walk the dogs? Ask her to help motivate you to stay healthy.

So her Dad feeds her loads of sh*t thenweighs your daughter??? Something not right there. I’d knock that on the head.

I wouldn’t put a big emphasis on the numbers. My DD was always very slim but around age 10 she put on a little bit of weight around her tummy. I just made sure that her meals were healthy and encouraged her to pursue anything active that she was interested in. Within a year she’d started a growth spurt, and the first signs of puberty. Then she slimmed down again. I would say the majority of her friends put on a bit of weight around the start of puberty.

Despite me never weighing her or having any idea how much she weighs (I still don’t) DD is still a bit more focused on her weight than I’d like and will sometimes skip meals if we don’t keep an eye on it. She’s now 16. I can’t imagine how much worse it would be if we’d made a fuss about her weight back then.

This is very normal around the start of puberty. I haven’t followed him for a while, but the guy who runs Rebelfit on Facebook/Instagram wrote about how many girls get put on diets around this age, and it becomes the start of a lifetime of diets. Her hormones will be doing all sorts, and her body shape will be changing. Best to just keep her focused on being strong and healthy with a good balanced diet and plenty of activity.

You should not have asked her dad to weigh her.

You're going to cause all sorts of issues.

Tweens get puppy fat before a growth spurt and before menarche. I thought this was well known?

"She definitely hasn't 'piled on' weight but she probably is visibly pudgier."

So she HAS piled on the weight. You just frame is differently.

Putting her on the scales was a BAD idea
But talking to her about how she feels and also talking about her weight ISNT a bad thing. They way you TACKLE it will depend what impact it has on her. Talking about food or weight doesn't cause food/body issues. The WAY you approach is can cause issues.

Talk to her.

I don’t think you should “leave her for now”.
By all means, don’t make a big deal out of it but I agree with implementing the recommended healthy lifestyle changes. It’s good for her log term to practise those habits, anyway.

My usually fairly slim 10yo has also visibly put on weight over the summer. It's such a hard position for a parent. On the one side you've got all the medical professionals telling us about the "obesity epidemic" and how it's leading to serious chronic health problems. And on the other side, we've had the experience of growing up in the 90s/00s and many (most?) of us have pretty much lifelong disordered eating (which often presents as binge eating, so we're still overweight, but we've also got the mental health burden as well!)

I'm not planning to say anything out loud to my 10yo. I don't keep crisps, biscuits, cakes etc in the house as standard, but those foods certainly aren't banned if we're out or if we have guests.

Just before puberty hits, most children put on a bit of weight, ready for a big growth spurt, so I wouldn’t worry. If you want to do something, just try and eat a little healthier as a family and try to go for a walk every night after tea. I wouldn’t mention it to her at all.

No. To put on weight to a point where she’s over a healthy weight she would have to eat over a sensible amount (which it looks like she started doing).

If you are maintaining in the middle of a healthy range then you can eat a little bit more and, if it’s within a sensible eating range for you, you’ll gain a little bit but plateau still within your healthy weight range.

If you’re toeing the upper line with your weight, you’re toeing the upper line with how much you’re eating. Still a healthy weight, still a sensible amount to eat. But if your diet increases or exercise decreases or metabolism slows, etc., you’re pushed outside of the healthy weight. (And similarly with the lower end of the range and under eating, etc.).

Obviously there are lots of ups and downs when you’re growing. But the healthy weight range isn’t particularly narrow, if you’re generally more in the middle you’re much less likely to get outside it at all (medical complications aside).