Didn't realise dd is overweight

[heydorothea]

NCed because I posted earlier in the week and I don't want to out myself.

DD's dad weighed her at his today and her BMI puts her at slightly overweight. She's very tall for her age, she's always been at the heaviest end of healthy weight for her height since she was tiny but relative to her height. She's now just into the overweight band. I feel like shit for not realising, her dad hasn't seen her for a few weeks so probably a better judge than I am. She struggles with body image as it is and I feel awful.

She's about the age I was when I started my periods and I remember my mother commenting I'd gained weight around that time. My childhood and weight are a whole other thread. I really don't want that for DD. WIBU to leave her be for now and see what happens? I don't want to draw attention to it, her dad does.

Loads of them do this around Year 5 or 6 of primary. They pile on weight and look chunky, then we (teachers) see them around locally once they’ve gone to secondary having had a massive growth spurt and looking tall and slim.

I’d personally be making sure you’re subtly educating her about nutrition and health, but not be overly concerned right now.

He's not, the OP is. Even getting him to weigh her.

She shouldn’t be “pudgier” op, puppy fat is a myth.
you’ll get a lot of replies telling you to ignore it here-people are so used to seeing overweight kids they’ve forgotten what a healthy weight looks like.
you’ve done the right thing addressing it now. Obviously you’re right to be concerned about your daughters body image and self esteem. Make subtle changes now without her noticing-mindful if portion sizes, do some fun exercise tigether etc. good luck.

It is completely normal to pile on a bit just before puberty. In fact in Raising Girls the chapter on eating disorders (which Steve Biddulph hands over to two eating disorders specialists rather than tackle himself) says that parents freaking out when this normal event happens is a major trigger for eating disorders in girls. Just continue as you were and review in 6 months.

As the others have said, it's completely normal.

BMI is massively outdated too and the 'healthy' weight for me definitely makes me look too skinny.

It sounds like small changes to her diet and subtle increases in exercise should be enough to sort things out. Unless drastic intervention is needed, I would never mention weight to a child - it is for the parents to make sure that their children are a healthy weight. Kids don't need that burden. When she goes to secondary though, she'll have more control over what she eats so I'd have a chat about healthy diet with her (not mentioning weight).

I'd take action by trying to reduce the snacks and up the exercise. More to set healthy habits for adulthood than anything.

As others have said, it’s normal to gain a bit of chub before puberty. Don’t say anything to her and stop weighing her and look at her instead. In the next year she should get taller and slimmer again.

BMI is an odd tool. I was in top range of normal weight as a tiny size 8 (smaller then) in the 80s/90s. I would now look far too thin with a normal BMI. I have patients at work in normal BMI covered in thick body hair where they are too thin. It doesn’t work for everyone.

Get her dad to remove all the crap he’s feeding her- he can tell her it’s because he’s trying to get healthier and can’t have the temptation around. Watch portion sizes of higher cal foods and fill her up on fruit, veg, salad, protein.

If she’s just in the overweight category, there isn’t too much to worry about. Did her dad tell you her actual weight? And do you now know her height? Can’t think of any problem seeing how tall she is - kids are generally interested in that. If you have
th figures, put them in the calculator for a child a year older and see if it still comes out as overweight. In the meantime, just watch what she’s eating and the size of portions being served.

I was about 12 when a family member first commented on my weight. It came from a good place as most of the female line in my family are overweight. The family member wanted me to avoid some of the difficulties it had caused her throughout her life.

For me, it became 'a thing' and almost overnight I became obsessed with 'good' and 'bad' food and was 100% convinced I was morbidly obese. In reality I was possibly 3 or 4lbs overweight - nothing that a bit of running round wouldn't cure. Now that I'm older and I do struggle with weight, I have this disproportionate nonsense in my head. I need to lose 2 stone but I'm convinced people are looking at me/judging me, when in reality they probably don't even notice. I feel I'd be able to lose weight so much more easily if it wasn't so deeply baked into my sense of self worth.

Please don't get into the routine of weighing her or making it 'a thing'. Just start subtly making good choices as a family, going for walks, eating less snacks or whatever changes you want to make. This is such a crucial age and the wrong input at this age can leave her with hang ups for the rest of her life. Focus on health and body shape, not numbers on a scale.

Is if portion size? I’m sometimes taken aback by the large amounts other peoples kids are able to put away. I’ve been slammed on here before but I never graduated to enormous dinner plates we eat (me included) off slightly smaller size dinner plates. Result two beautifully slim teen girls.

My DD was overweight at the y6 health check. She started her periods in y7. She also grew and grew and grew at that time. Certainly by the end of y7 her weight was fine.

Like others, I think it can be a tween thing, definitely don't weigh her. I have an 11 year old DD and am concerned the other way as she is very thin probably verging on skinny as are a few of her friends and I am concerned it is a peer pressure thing, definitely overheard an awareness of how clothes look (bit obsessive) and weight is spoken about where as it wasn't before but these girls are going in to year 7, starting secondary school which is probably something to do with it. I think it is a very difficult subject to address even subtley at this sort of age.

If she is 12 ish then she won't grow much more like when she was younger . Just make her portion sizes slightly smaller and don't make a big deal of it . Cut back on having treats in the house and make sure you all have healthy treats and pudding etc .

If you are worried that is , I do think parents have a responsibility to take charge of kids weight as I was over fed as a child but obviously didn't know until I was an over weight adult who then had to lose weight!

To be in the 'overweight' category as a child, then that's child's BMI centile is over 85 (over 95 for obese, they're not the same charts as for adults)

No, it's not a given that DC get heavier just before they shoot up in height. It can happen that way, but there's no bodily need for it and if it's putting the child over the 85th centile then it definitely needs noting.

Fortunately with growing children, it's easier to manage than in an adult. Because you don't need to cut back intake to reduce, rather just hold it steady and check activity levels are good (and hour of vigorous play or aerobic sport daily).

One thing to check is portion sizes - I'm not suggesting calorie counting, but working out how much is on a typical dinner place for her (really measuring and remembering to include thinks like oil) might show you if there's any need for gentle decline.

Everything's a bloomin red flag to some people these days!

Explain to your ex that girls often get pudgier before their periods start, and kids often get pudgier before a growth spurt. The kind of overweight you are describing sounds like that.

If she eats crap at her dad’s then that’s his action point - give him some easy guidance on healthy eating and exercise, and do the same at home.

Be clear to him that taking to girls about weight is a minefield, and at this stage their is no need to, it will probably right itself, and you can both help it along with healthy eating.

Given what happened to you with your mum and food I don’t understand why you’d ask her dad to weigh her? I don’t think it’s appropriate at her age. If you don’t want to have scales in the house then you could both weigh yourselves in boots or something, but mostly you can tell by looking.

You don't need to mention it, but that doesn't mean you should do nothing. You can make healthy changes to her diet (reducing sugar and processed foods, serving slightly smaller portions, thinking about her snacking habits) without making a big deal of it.

It's difficult to know what to do for the best. As someone with long term issues with food and weight, it's hard knowing the damage that can be caused at such an early age by well intended actions.

FWIW, my son is 9YO and goes through stages of visibly filling and thinning out. I don't weigh him. We have scales in our bathroom that he occasionally hops on. He's around the 50th centile currently and about 140cm. (We had to measure him this week for an activity).

I try to focus on healthier foods and being active. At meal times, dish out the same sized meal, use veg to make up half of the plate and cut back on the other foods. Use fruit and veg for snacks etc. I try to encourage mine to have more filling foods when they come looking for snacks. So instead of having a chocolate bar and crisps, I'll give them toast or cereal. It's the same calories (not that I tell them that!) but keeps them fuller and stops then looking for something else 20 minutes later.

So her dad's the one who's concerned about this, but he's also the one who gives her more unhealthy foods? Is that right? Have you asked him what changes he is going to make?

Maybe because he's concerned about her weight? Or do you think a child has to be circular or skeletal before a parent should act?

I weighed my 14 year old ds recently. He's grown a lot and had a recent illness and has moved from the bottom of the healthy bmi range into the underweight category. So now we have a plan to increase his calories til he gains again.

Obviously weight gain in a teenage girl needs to be approached sensitively but ignoring it til - what? At what point is it OK to say/do something? Morbid obesity? Far better to catch it early when a couple of tweaks to diet and exercise can rectify things.

If she's eating rubbish at her dad's house then that's where you start, he needs to take responsibility for her weight gain. Gently introduce healthy eating plans & smaller portions & don't make it a focus. Eventually, it will become normal for her but her dad needs to stop feeding her junk.

No the OP wanted him to weigh their daughter.

^this. Make sure she’s doing some sort of physical activity a sport etc. And focus on healthy eating for everyone in the family not just her. X

Leaving aside the OP's situation just to reply to this - this just isn't true. Most children do not put in weight as they approach puberty

None of mine did, or anyone I know.

For sure, during their teen years, their shape can change & weight distribution too, but it's not a good idea to attribute an increase in weight at 10 or 12 to the onset of puberty