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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH to take this job?

57 replies

Piggieinthemiddle · 27/08/2022 10:14

We are currently TTC. His current job has excellent paternity leave benefits.

He has been headhunted for a new job which would (a) pay up to triple his current salary and (b) better stimulate him mentally.

We currently earn about the same, but I have zero chance of getting such a high paying role anytime soon (or probably ever!) in my current career.

With the cost of living crisis, it seems a no brainer to take the higher paying job. We are not struggling, but (like pretty much everyone) we need to make cutbacks somewhere. We might never have a baby, so it seems silly for him to hang on in the current job where one of the few benefits is the paternity leave. On the other hand, I know the new job will be less flexible in other non-declared ways (more work expected outside core hours/ less flexibility over when he goes into the office). Again, more of an issue if there is a child.

It might be that the most financially sensible option for us if he takes the new job and we do have a baby would be for me to be a stay at home mum, or at least cut down to part time. I have mixed feelings about this, but I suspect I will feel differently if I’m in the situation with a baby and it feels sensible to have that as an option, so I am not sure why I am so against the new job.

DH is also quite fundamentally against not doing things ourselves (himself!) like having a cleaner/ getting people in for DIY/ sending laundry out, but we would probably be able to compromise on some of these if he does take the job.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Piggieinthemiddle · 27/08/2022 10:15

TL;DR:
New job lots of money
Current job insanely good paternity leave

OP posts:
Blsp · 27/08/2022 10:17

I can see where you're coming from, but it would seem to make sense for him to take it. Nothing has to be permanent. When you have a child and you've finished maternity (at least a couple of years away probably, the point where you'll be returning to work?) If it turns out the flexibility in his job just isn't giving you both the home life you want, then it can be addressed can't it. In the meantime he's been earning 3x more and happier at work.

Aconitum · 27/08/2022 10:19

Honestly you would trade 3x salary for a few weeks of potential paternity leave when you are not even pregnant?
It could be years before you have kids to make this even an issue - he might have made enough to retire by then.

AnnaFri · 27/08/2022 10:23

If you were a few months pregnant or close to birth I'd agree with you

But you're just TTC

Of course he should take it

By the time the baby is out he will have been there enough time to put a statutory request for alternate working arrangements which might help

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 27/08/2022 10:26

Surely this is his decision to make? It’s not exactly like he’s leaving you with five kids while he disappears to Darkest Peru for 6 months at a time. With no kids and no long distances I don’t see why you get a say in where he works. Sorry YABU.
The flipside of that is he doesn’t get a say in whether you hire a nanny/cleaner to do his share of housework/childcare or if you would like to return to work later down the line.

anotherpotoftea · 27/08/2022 10:27

I’d want him to take the job and put the pay difference into savings.

You can figure out the paternity and flexibility stuff when you need to, and he can always change job again if needed.

Pyewhacket · 27/08/2022 10:30

Take the job: no-brainer.

IceCreamTime19 · 27/08/2022 10:32

We need to know:. A. How much in £££ is new salary? B. How long is current paternity leave?
If he will be earning i.e. now £60k and new job £180k then I am sure he can take some unpaid weeks to help with the baby.

BuenoSucia · 27/08/2022 10:32

Is this your PFB? In which case - given you’re loaded, you’ll be back here in a year saying you don’t want to go back to work, can’t bear to be parted with wee Artemis and you have no financial worries.

try to look further than 3 week'sPL.

Howeverdoyouneedme · 27/08/2022 10:34

Take the job.

TheLoupGarou · 27/08/2022 10:35

He should definitely take the job. No brainer. You aren't even pregnant yet. There's no way you can predict what will happen in the future - do not underestimate the benefits of being financially comfortable and the choices this gives you.

SeaToSki · 27/08/2022 10:35

If and when you are pregnant, he can look for another job that suits the new situation. He might find one that suits even better than the current one and the new one

dont cross a bridge until you get to it

TheLoupGarou · 27/08/2022 10:37

Also maternity/paternity leave is a tiny portion of a child's life. Think long term.

Longdistance · 27/08/2022 10:41

YABU. He should take the job. It has more positives than negatives. Paternity leave? It’s two weeks he can take and then he’ll be flush anyway as he’ll be earning triple.
Are you a tad jealous maybe?

abovedecknotbelow · 27/08/2022 10:42

I wouldn't even be thinking of the paternity leave, he'd be stupid to not take the job.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 27/08/2022 10:42

It may be a lot more than 2 weeks leave. Where I work men get six months fully paid.

dmask · 27/08/2022 10:45

You can do shared parental leave surely? Save money when you’re pregnant and use that to fund the shared parental leave. That’s what we did and it worked really well.

Applebark · 27/08/2022 10:48

Turn down x3 salary for 2 week paternity that you don't even need yet. Nope can't understand that logic.

faithtrustandpixiedust · 27/08/2022 10:49

Definitely take the job, we're in a similar situation although I'm a couple months pregnant, and DH has just switched jobs. He won't qualify for paternity leave at the new place but the pay difference makes up for it and he will just take holidays in place.
In your situation I'd be telling him to take the job, he can always reassess once you do fall pregnant and have had the baby if the new job doesn't fit well with family life and he'll have more experience etc which will help if he does look for something else.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 27/08/2022 10:55

@Piggieinthemiddle

I hope the C part happens for you, in the meantime, enjoy the TT bit!

I think the TTC is really making you think about things upside down.

Taking the new job would be the best thing, career progression & money!

he can always take some unpaid leave if he needs/wants to once you've had a baby

in the meantime you should focus on your career & getting yourself into the best position possible to climb the ladder, change industry, whatever is good for you (you can't TTC 24/7) It will help you in the future whether you have children or not.

Becoming a SAHM, don't do it for financial reasons (ie childcare costs what you earn) because you need to look at the bigger picture (career progression/satisfaction/maintaining your professional qualification/skills etc pension, not being reliant on him) if you WANT to be a SAHM, then get the ling term finances sorted so you don't feel trapped! Paying into YOUR pension, separate savings, all those kinds of things. You need open & honest communication about the financial risk YOU are taking by being a SAHM.

but that's a way down the track!

Right now you'd be daft to stand in the way of him taking this job!

RandomMess · 27/08/2022 11:03

He could negotiate additional unpaid paternity leave??

Chamomileteaplease · 27/08/2022 11:08

Agree the paternity leave aspect is completely irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

However, I would have a chat about the fact that it looks like he will be working less flexibly and a lot more home/child stuff will fall to you. And what he thinks he will be able to contribute in that area.

Before you become yet another resentful wife who does 100% of everything at home and a husband who thinks his work means he gets away scot free.

MRex · 27/08/2022 11:23

Get the job, cleaner and gardener now. If you have a baby then he can sort out leave at the time, but you don't delay work opportunities for something that could be years down the line. Say you have a baby now, you might enjoy being part-time for a couple of years and by then he might be ready for another job move. Even if you go back straight away, you will need to find expensive nanny, childminder or nursery fees.

Original poster
Piggieinthemiddle · 27/08/2022 12:04

IceCreamTime19 · 27/08/2022 10:32

We need to know:. A. How much in £££ is new salary? B. How long is current paternity leave?
If he will be earning i.e. now £60k and new job £180k then I am sure he can take some unpaid weeks to help with the baby.

Pretty much this.

And the paternity leave matches my current maternity leave (rather than one or the other with shared parental leave) so it is pretty significant.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 27/08/2022 12:09

In the grand scheme of a (hopefully long) life, paternity leave is a small blip.

It’s a shame in a case at that he has “insanely good” paternity leave as you wouldn’t be conflicted otherwise.

If he’s excited by the new opportunities, and you’ll be able to buy in help (childcare, etc) then of course he should take it.

You don’t need to give up your job just because he’s doing this job though, and you should be very explicit about that.