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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH to take this job?

57 replies

Piggieinthemiddle · 27/08/2022 10:14

We are currently TTC. His current job has excellent paternity leave benefits.

He has been headhunted for a new job which would (a) pay up to triple his current salary and (b) better stimulate him mentally.

We currently earn about the same, but I have zero chance of getting such a high paying role anytime soon (or probably ever!) in my current career.

With the cost of living crisis, it seems a no brainer to take the higher paying job. We are not struggling, but (like pretty much everyone) we need to make cutbacks somewhere. We might never have a baby, so it seems silly for him to hang on in the current job where one of the few benefits is the paternity leave. On the other hand, I know the new job will be less flexible in other non-declared ways (more work expected outside core hours/ less flexibility over when he goes into the office). Again, more of an issue if there is a child.

It might be that the most financially sensible option for us if he takes the new job and we do have a baby would be for me to be a stay at home mum, or at least cut down to part time. I have mixed feelings about this, but I suspect I will feel differently if I’m in the situation with a baby and it feels sensible to have that as an option, so I am not sure why I am so against the new job.

DH is also quite fundamentally against not doing things ourselves (himself!) like having a cleaner/ getting people in for DIY/ sending laundry out, but we would probably be able to compromise on some of these if he does take the job.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Piggieinthemiddle · 27/08/2022 12:09

Good to know I was right in thinking IABU.

I’m just so reluctant for him to sacrifice his current work-life balance. And I’m definitely not jealous, but I think I am a bit scared about tipping the balance of our relationship, and worry that I would feel inferior as the significantly lower earning partner. (To note: DH would NEVER make me feel like that, and I would never judge other couples in this way, this is just my own feelings of inferiority.)

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 27/08/2022 12:14

An aside, but it’s a shame that equal leave for a father is “insanely good”…

NoSquirrels · 27/08/2022 12:29

I’m just so reluctant for him to sacrifice his current work-life balance.

What about him, though? Is he excited by the opportunity or does he value the work-life balance currently?

Glittertwins · 27/08/2022 12:33

Definitely being unreasonable and he should take that job. You aren't even pregnant yet, have you got plan B in case it doesn't happen relatively soon or even if it simply doesn't work out. Too many times I read about life being put on hold due to TTC and the resentment that builds up when there are problems.

Original poster
Piggieinthemiddle · 27/08/2022 13:21

NoSquirrels · 27/08/2022 12:29

I’m just so reluctant for him to sacrifice his current work-life balance.

What about him, though? Is he excited by the opportunity or does he value the work-life balance currently?

The problem is he is torn. He keeps saying he is bored at work but he does hugely value being able to stop at 5:30pm pretty much every day, or go to the gym in the middle of the day. He admitted he was secretly hoping the pay would not be that much better and the decision would have been easy, but with the current rising prices he feels he would be stupid not to take it, and I understand his reasoning.

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 27/08/2022 13:24

Aconitum · 27/08/2022 10:19

Honestly you would trade 3x salary for a few weeks of potential paternity leave when you are not even pregnant?
It could be years before you have kids to make this even an issue - he might have made enough to retire by then.

This. It would be insane to not take it because of that.

If he’s dithering because of work/life balance that’s different. Can he have a frank talk with someone in the new role about expectations vs. reality? I know my job has the expectation that I’m available 24/7 for business needs, but the reality is that even during the height of covid I rarely did more than an extra hour or two a week.

AlisonDonut · 27/08/2022 13:28

You need to avail yourselves of this 'not hiring anyone to do cleaning or stuff' nonsense. I mean, someone is hiring you both and you rely on the income so if you haven't got time, hiring someone else puts money into another household and saves you time. I always used to have a cleaner if I earnt more per hour than I was paying, and yes I paid her throughout lockdown.

On the topic of the job, it is everyone's dilemma isn't it - more money does usually mean less flexibility. So that's on you both to decide.

wibblywobblybits · 27/08/2022 13:33

Piggieinthemiddle · 27/08/2022 10:14

We are currently TTC. His current job has excellent paternity leave benefits.

He has been headhunted for a new job which would (a) pay up to triple his current salary and (b) better stimulate him mentally.

We currently earn about the same, but I have zero chance of getting such a high paying role anytime soon (or probably ever!) in my current career.

With the cost of living crisis, it seems a no brainer to take the higher paying job. We are not struggling, but (like pretty much everyone) we need to make cutbacks somewhere. We might never have a baby, so it seems silly for him to hang on in the current job where one of the few benefits is the paternity leave. On the other hand, I know the new job will be less flexible in other non-declared ways (more work expected outside core hours/ less flexibility over when he goes into the office). Again, more of an issue if there is a child.

It might be that the most financially sensible option for us if he takes the new job and we do have a baby would be for me to be a stay at home mum, or at least cut down to part time. I have mixed feelings about this, but I suspect I will feel differently if I’m in the situation with a baby and it feels sensible to have that as an option, so I am not sure why I am so against the new job.

DH is also quite fundamentally against not doing things ourselves (himself!) like having a cleaner/ getting people in for DIY/ sending laundry out, but we would probably be able to compromise on some of these if he does take the job.

AIBU?

Am I missing something?! Unless his current paternity pay is 200% his salary then financially you'd better off if he took the new job regardless of the paternity pay from the old job?

Unless the real question is whether the higher pay is worth the sacrifice in work / life balance? The paternity pay is totally irrelevant

NoSquirrels · 27/08/2022 13:33

If he’s bored with work he needs a challenge.

He can always trade back down to his family-friendly job in the future if he hates it and you resist ‘lifestyle creep’ i.e. live well below your means.

Being bored with work is a bad thing. Being able to go to the gym at 5.30 doesn’t make up for feeling unfulfilled.

Encourage him to take it.

wibblywobblybits · 27/08/2022 13:34

BuenoSucia · 27/08/2022 10:32

Is this your PFB? In which case - given you’re loaded, you’ll be back here in a year saying you don’t want to go back to work, can’t bear to be parted with wee Artemis and you have no financial worries.

try to look further than 3 week'sPL.

Ew how rude are you!!!!!

SpongeBob2022 · 27/08/2022 13:36

I would take the job. It's not even a tough decision for me. Paternity leave is so short term.

If/when you have children then do start as you mean to go on. You both need to be happy with/compromise on working arrangements, flexibility, money etc. So don't be pressured into working or not working and make sure things like cleaning are fair (outsourced if necessary).

faithtrustandpixiedust · 27/08/2022 13:45

I'd also be thinking longer term, if you want to go back to work when you do have children your likely going to need paid childcare at some point, which a higher salary will obviously soften the blow on.

LakieLady · 27/08/2022 14:04

If the pay increase is that good, you can use some of it for a doula, a cleaner and anything else that will make your life easier with a newborn!

CheshireSplat · 27/08/2022 14:14

Do you know what his new paternity leave entitlement is or is it buried in a policy he hasn't seen yet?

Can he negotiate a decent paternity leave package as part of his package before he accepts the job? It's incredibly important from an equality perspective so these conversations are good for society not just individuals. He could use this to demonstrate that he is keen on inclusion and diversity and may look an even more attractive candidate.

In my experience the more senior someone is, the more flexible they can be. As I became more senior I had no problem nipping off for a couple of hours for sports day, or dentist or physio etc without having to take any annual leave, as I was equally flexible with 7am and evening meetings.

Lindy2 · 27/08/2022 14:21

DH had 2 w

Lindy2 · 27/08/2022 14:23

Sorry - it posted too soon.

DH had 2 weeks paternity leave and took 2 weeks paid holiday so had a month off after baby was born.

Although it was nice having him around I honestly couldn't wait for him to go back to work, once the 4 weeks was over, so that I could settle into a proper routine with baby.

He should take the job. 3 x his current salary would be much more worthwhile longer term IMO.

Bobshhh · 27/08/2022 14:27

I mean, we're trying to conceive and I'm currently applying for a job that might add 20% on because I'm worried about the cost of living so you would be insane to turn this down.

custardbear · 27/08/2022 14:38

In reality it only needs one of you to be home with your baby. It's a good salary hike and you'll need it with family and cost of living going through the roof.
He'll have time with family, just not so much - take good holidays together and enjoy the extra money!

Blossomtoes · 27/08/2022 14:43

LakieLady · 27/08/2022 14:04

If the pay increase is that good, you can use some of it for a doula, a cleaner and anything else that will make your life easier with a newborn!

This. All of them will be more use than he will!

WitTanks · 27/08/2022 14:58

I think it's a no brainer to take the job, really

Original poster
Piggieinthemiddle · 27/08/2022 16:16

wibblywobblybits · 27/08/2022 13:33

Am I missing something?! Unless his current paternity pay is 200% his salary then financially you'd better off if he took the new job regardless of the paternity pay from the old job?

Unless the real question is whether the higher pay is worth the sacrifice in work / life balance? The paternity pay is totally irrelevant

Show quote history

It’s not just the pay, it’s being able to take it. DH can currently take 6 months paternity at full pay, and a potentially negotiable 6 months unpaid. We are fairly confident the potential new job will not give him a year off (paid or unpaid) - although we probably couldn’t afford for us both to take a full year anyway.

OP posts:
Help87 · 27/08/2022 16:22

I thought you had to share anyway? He can only take what you dont?

maternityaction.org.uk/advice/shared-parental-leave-and-pay/

Original poster
Piggieinthemiddle · 27/08/2022 16:30

Help87 · 27/08/2022 16:22

I thought you had to share anyway? He can only take what you dont?

maternityaction.org.uk/advice/shared-parental-leave-and-pay/

That is shared parental leave - which is great, and should be available in his new role - BUT his current job gives 6 months at full pay, regardless of what the other parent takes. So he could take 3 months at either end whilst I am also on maternity leave.

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 27/08/2022 16:48

I think the increase in earnings is so good that he should take the job on the understanding that he frees up quality time for both of you by spending some (probably quite a small amount) of the increase on help around the place. Also, given that it may take a while before you are on maternity leave, perhaps take the opportunity to build up funds for him to take some additional unpaid paternity leave.

NumberTheory · 27/08/2022 16:58

Piggieinthemiddle · 27/08/2022 12:09

Good to know I was right in thinking IABU.

I’m just so reluctant for him to sacrifice his current work-life balance. And I’m definitely not jealous, but I think I am a bit scared about tipping the balance of our relationship, and worry that I would feel inferior as the significantly lower earning partner. (To note: DH would NEVER make me feel like that, and I would never judge other couples in this way, this is just my own feelings of inferiority.)

I think this bit about work-life balance might be more relevant than paternity leave.

Without being at all jealous you can be concerned about how a much higher paying (higher flying, more all encompassing, higher stress?) job and much bigger pay disparity might impact you as a couple, whether you have kids or not.

Is this, perhaps,, about DH seeming more ambitious now and turning attention towards work that has previously been focused on you and your future together?