to not want DH to take this job?

[Piggieinthemiddle]

We are currently TTC. His current job has excellent paternity leave benefits.

He has been headhunted for a new job which would (a) pay up to triple his current salary and (b) better stimulate him mentally.

We currently earn about the same, but I have zero chance of getting such a high paying role anytime soon (or probably ever!) in my current career.

With the cost of living crisis, it seems a no brainer to take the higher paying job. We are not struggling, but (like pretty much everyone) we need to make cutbacks somewhere. We might never have a baby, so it seems silly for him to hang on in the current job where one of the few benefits is the paternity leave. On the other hand, I know the new job will be less flexible in other non-declared ways (more work expected outside core hours/ less flexibility over when he goes into the office). Again, more of an issue if there is a child.

It might be that the most financially sensible option for us if he takes the new job and we do have a baby would be for me to be a stay at home mum, or at least cut down to part time. I have mixed feelings about this, but I suspect I will feel differently if I’m in the situation with a baby and it feels sensible to have that as an option, so I am not sure why I am so against the new job.

DH is also quite fundamentally against not doing things ourselves (himself!) like having a cleaner/ getting people in for DIY/ sending laundry out, but we would probably be able to compromise on some of these if he does take the job.

AIBU?

I think this is definitely the main factor. I like to think it’s less selfish than just me wanting more time with him/more non-financial contribution towards the household, but it’s very hard to be subjective.

When DH and I first met he was in a very high pressure job at a level where he had very high earning potential but on his junior salary and the extra hours he was working meant he was on practically minimum wage (although a reasonable salary). He made the decision (entirely his own) to move to a role with a much better work-life balance but less career advancement opportunity on the same pay, and consequentially was much happier. I feel like he forgets how tough it was in his previous role BUT this time he will have adequate compensation which will surely make a huge difference.

I really am struggling because he has asked for my opinion, and rationally it sounds like a no-brainer, but I remember how miserable he was in his previous job AND how happy he was when he found out about the paternity policy.

I like to think it’s less selfish than just me wanting more time with him/more non-financial contribution towards the household, but it’s very hard to be subjective.

I don’t think these concerns are selfish. You’re talking about what sort of life you’ll lead as a couple. This is somewhat fundamental. And he may not have really thought about how, if he isn’t putting as much effort into the relationship, that means either the relationship suffers, or he relies on you to pick up the slack he’s dropped.

But you both also need to consider how much your current financial trajectory will support if you want kids. And whether your relationship would suffer because of money issues (which are one of the biggest causes of marital breakdown).

If you are comfortable financially, I think he should stay in his current job. Work/life balance is incredibly important.

Have you said that you won't think badly of him if he doesn't take the higher paying job?

I love DH to pieces but no way would I have wanted him home for 6 months. I met loads of friends at baby groups and he would have been sat at home like a spare part.

Tell him to take the job

60 to 180?! That is one hell of leap. Its a no brainer - take the new job.
What does he do?

I think he should take the job, but I disagree with you on the leave. We did shared parental and had a few months of overlap. We both loved it, took trips away etc. he went to baby classes on his own with no bother at all. I don’t think the OP should rule out shared parental leave. You can take a year off between you and with holidays you can make it last longer. I did the first stint, then we did joint leave, then he did three months on his own, then another month joint. It was great and we are both completely equal in terms of parenting now, mental load included. I would highly recommend to anyone!