To feel so angry at another mum who is supposed to be a "friend"

[tigerlily1980]

Sorry this is going to be long....

I'll set the scene by explaining that I have twins in reception. Last year they were at the school nursery and I was fortunate to bond with a few mums (about 7 of us), and we did the whole Playdates, birthday parties, hen nights, ann summers etc. (I know it sounds cliquey, but to be honest there were other mums I bonded with outside the clique too.) Anyway, things were lovely, no bitchiness or anything..

until...

This year, our kids all started reception. They were all split between 3 classes, but we all remained friends at the school gate. The trouble all started when we had a parents night at the end of last time. One of the mums was really upset because she felt that the teacher had nothing good to say about her son. To be honest, he is incredibly naughty (my children don't like him although he is in a class with my son), and I could kind of agree with the teachers comments, but empathised with the Mums tears.

Just before Christmas, the teacher called her over to say that her son had been spitting and she had warned him that if he did it again, he would have to sit out of an activity. The boy proceeded and the teacher explained to mum that she had carried out threat. Mum was furious and felt son really was being picked on, so saw deputy head. The deputy head spoke in defence of teacher, and also said that the son was quite naughty. Once again, mum took it that son was being victimised.

Anyway, sorry if this gets confusing...

It was my twins birthday party yesterday, and I invited the cliques kids, aswell as some others they had bonded with. One particular little boy is new to the school and a real sweetie, an old fashioned little character who is good friends with my son, and we have been to his house. I am the only one in our clique who knows this boy and his mum, and they are a lovely, shy, inoffensive family.

Anyway a few days before the party the defensive mum, claimed her son was too scared to come to the twins birthday party as he was being victimised by the old fashioned boy and they had had an argument at school about who was going to the party. She had written a long letter to the school and the deputy head approached her and said that the other little boy was lovely, it was a silly argument, all the boys were now friends, and birthday party arguments were very common. But mother was now fuming, in her eyes son was victimised by teacher, deputy head and also the other boy.

The twins birthday party was on Sunday. The enraged mother sent her thug of a husband along. The little nice boy was with his mum. The thug dad walked round glaring at the nice boy and telling his son to give him a slap. Another mum in our clique (a foster carer who I would expect to be more diplomatic) started stirring things up, saying nice boy was a bully.

Nice boys mum stood on her own most of the time, and seemed really upset. My husband kept an eye on the situation, and said the two boys in question didn't go near eachother, and there was no bullying.

Just as we sat down to eat, the "victimised" child threw a paddy. Another friends 16 month old son had hit him. Thug dad started going "Why you crying, is it that bully, I've had enough of this, he needs a slap". The nice boy once again had not touched him.

There was an awful atmosphere, that my mum and sisters and other mums picked up on and were uncomfortable. And I felt so sorry for the mum of the nice boy as she and he had done nothing. And of course thug dad did not say anything to her face, just made all these comments.

I came home and spent the evening crying. The bottom line is that the so called victimised boys mum is making him a victim. She can't handle the fact that he is naughty and won't take criticism. She has now made a really nice boy a scapegoat as nobody knows him and he's easy to bully.

I did ring the nice boys mum and apologise, and she started apologising to me (which choked me even more as none of it was her fault)and some of the other mums also told me how bad they had felt yesterday and they had read the situation as I had.

So am I wrong to feel so angry at somebody who is supposedly meant to be my friend..and whose husband created an atmosphere at a kids party? My sympathy and empathy has flown out of the window, because I believe that their son is not being victimised and actually by making him out to be a victim, they are being devious and vindictive.

Good grief, you are certainly not BU. The "victimised" family sounds dangerously unhinged. In the first place disputes between children at school should be dealt with at school, and certainly not by parents at another child's birthday party.

I think you are right that they don't want to hear any criticism about their ds and they are not doing him any favours by threatening the other boy.

It sounds like you need to distance yourself from them but it doesn't look like it will be easy as they are so unreasonable.

I would make my feelings known by chatting to nice mum in the playground and see what happens.

Others may join you, hopefully.

No YANBU
Very bad behaviour by the child's parents.

Perhaps she is thinking that your empathy is actually support for her opinion of her son.

id be asking who the boy is modelling himself on? clearly its his dad who really should know better than to bully a child himself at a birthday party and the mum was daft to let her husband take him? what sort of bloke goes to a 5 yr olds party spoiling for a row?i usually try to see all sides of an argument but this is definitely unreasonable and it is a cruel thing to say but id steer away from them bcos what happens when inevitably your children fall out with him?

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The parents of the boisterous boy see him as their pfb who is likely to be the reincarnation of Christ and genetically incapably of wrong-doing.

Invite nice mum and her old fashioned boy (love that term - I know exactly what you mean and I love kids like that) over for tea.

The moment one of your kids remotely upsets boisterous boy, the friendship will go tits up.

And boisterous boy's dad is a bully, pure and simple (though he is likely to be simple rather than pure, iykwim)

bloody hell .. I'd be wanting to have words with her and tell her that her husband's bullying behaviour totally ruined your child's birthday

only I wouldn't have the guts

you need to enfold new boy and new mum into your bosom .. bring her into your friends' group .. yes chat to her in the playground .. invite her for coffee .. they are innocent victims and this is not fair

I would be livid

I am so sorry for you

I am no longer the only Trolley on mn, hurrah!

Hijack over.

Friendships come and go, you don't have to remain friends with someone out of misplaced loyalty. Make friends with the other mum instead. I sincerely believe that some freindships do run their course

YANBU!
some people are so insensitive to their own situation sometimes its ridiculous!!have you tried talking to the 'victim's mum? she might talk calmly in an adult way when not faced with a childrens party and her pig of a H! alot of parents of naughty children turn a blind eye to their childrens naughtyness because they dont know how to deal with it. if she has previously seemed like a reasonable mature adult then maybe its worth trying to broach the subject with her. she might be jealous of the new mum in the group so is taking it out on her son either way she needs to be told what has bothered you and your friends as she may not realise what she is doing. HTH
xx ei xx

Time to change your friends!
No really do what wandering trolley said and dippydeedo0

1. I can see where boisterous boy (bb) gets some of his sweeter traits from ahem
2. I would be inclined personally to gently and silently sideline bb and his hideous parents in activities in favour of sweet old fashioned boy and mum.

BB and his parents need some serious thinking time. Friendships evolve even among adults, and the chances are that bb will not remain friends with your twins for long if his current behaviour is anything to go by.

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If you think the 'victim's' mum is a friendship worth preserving (and may be in need of a friend for the bumpy ride ahead) it will need to be on your terms for you to be happy, otherwise you will be perpetually grinding your teeth! Otherwise, I wouldn't want the hassle or the awkwardness.

As other pp's have said, some friendships just run their course.

Imo, pursue your friendship with the old fashioned boy's mother, they sound lovely.

You say that the obnoxious boys parents make him a scapegoat for bullying? Does that imply then that he IS being bullied? I think that deliberate ommision is a form of bullying that is recognised by schools. It is a very awkward situation with the little boys father handled extremely badly and he clearly needs to grow up!! I would have been inclined to ask him to leave.

I do think it is sad that the "naughty" boy is being ostracised for his "bad behaviour". Does he bully or upset the other children? Or is it simply that he is desperately attention seeking. Either way, he sounds like a very unhappy little boy to me.

I am going to go against the grain here and say that you are being a tad unreasonable. However, i think i would probably feel the same way.

I just wonder if you could try and put yourself into the other mums shoes. Her partner obviously has some issues! But now she finds that not only is her son being excluded but she is too. I am the parent of a child who was hardly ever asked to parties etc and i can promise you, it HURTS!! My DD1 used to behave OTT in order to try and get attention and get into the cliques at school. It was heartbreaking to watch.

I sympathise, i really really do - but sending the message that is is OK to ostracise a child for whatever reason, is almost turning bullying on its head.

I watched an awful film fairly recently, wehre a group of apple pie american boys planned on revenge against the school bully. An overweight, obnoxoius, horrid boy, who DID bully other children. It turned out that this lad had some form of learning difficulties and really didn't know how to behave socially. It all went horribly wrong and the bully ended up being the ultimate victim and was killed.

Ok so that is extreme but it does make you think. Bullying is a serious issue at school, i was the victim of bullying throughout my school days and i firmly believe it ruined my schooling for me. The one thing that stands out though, was that i could have coped if it were a solitary, badly behaved boy or girl, but it wasnt. I was bullied by the clique, the popular kids, both pysically (i coped ok with that) and psychologically (i most certainly did not cope with that at all - i still have problems with self esteem). I was often the child who was on her own in the playground, never picked for netball, ever - i started to behave badly in order to be accepted. It made no difference, only ruined my chances of my dream job, i left school having not even turned up to my exams. I just coudlnt wait to leave the bullying behind and be a new, strong person.

Cut this family some slack, include the lad where ever possible. Make it clear that you will expect from him the same behaviour that you expect from your son if he is to come to your house. Of course, continue to invite the "nice" boy as well. As someone pointed out, playground politics is fickle, they will most likely be best of friends soone enough.

Thankyou for those quick responses. I needed them!

This whole thing has really affected me. I am training to be a counsellor so always try to see both sides in arguments, but with this I know that the old fashioned boy and his mum are right. And I hate seeing real bullying, which is what I saw yesterday on the part of boisterous boys dad.

I'm not really as close to bb's mum as I am to some of the others, we are really just mums at the school gate who stand in a group. She used to appear nice, but recently she has been irrational. I'll also add that she has gained a lot of attention from her sons new victim status.

Today I have stood with 2 mums from the group, who I am more genuinely friends with, and who also disclosed that they felt the same as me and were on edge over this behaviour.

I didn't confront the mum because I felt so angry that I would have exploded, and didn't feel this was right at the school gates. But I am certainly going to break my ties, and yes..I have arranged to meet with old fashioned boys mum in half term.

By the way WanderingStar, this really has put a smile on my sad face;
"And boisterous boy's dad is a bully, pure and simple (though he is likely to be simple rather than pure, iykwim)".
Thats summed him up. Ar*ehole!!

I am not training to be a counsellor (i am under one!), however from your description of the womans behaviour and the issues with her son, it really seems to me like she could use a friend just now!! Her "irrational" behaviour is most likely because she is upset and worried, as any mother would be, about her child. So her husband is a prick - thats not her fault, and it certainly isnt her sons!

But then, if it upsets the clique, best not speak to her again

lucyellensmum im sorry you were treated like that i hope what i said didnt upset u ...my intention was to highlight the fact that this man came to a party spoiling for it and his partner must have known she should have come too i think if only to cushion any problems,it is awful to have to back away but sometimes for the good of your own chidren you have too, hopefully the little boy and his mum will work thru his issues and he will settle back in.

Sorry Lucyellensmum, I think you have misread some of my meanings:

I did not say the obnoxious boys parents make him a scapegoat. I meant they had made the other boy a scapegoat, i.e it was actually the other boy being naughty, not their son. However, I did mean that they are making him out to be a victim. He is now somebody (in their eyes) who never lies, never does anything wrong, never is naughty and is timid, and who teachers pick on because they dared give some feedback on his behaviour.

Nobody has left him out of parties, he generally goes to quite a few. As for old fashioned boy, as he did not go to the nursery his mum said it was the first party he had been to since joining the school.

And to be honest, I had never really considered boisterous boys behaviour, as I think young kids all go through phases and I had just accepted it. It has only been since the mother has been so defensive, that I have thought "Hang on a minute..."

The sad thing is that boisterous boy and old fashioned boy DID make friends again, as the teacher explained...but boisterous boys parents carried it on. When the dad was telling him to give him a slap, boisterous boy was going "No...no...i don't want to".

I have wondered if there are underlying issues with the mum, and she is probably not aware of how she is behaving.

how awfull for your poor twins i hope it didn't ruin the party for them

Oh and boisterous boys mum is actually one of the main people in the clique. It is the timid mum who isn't in the clique.

Maximummummy, to be honest, the kids all seemed oblivious. So I have that to be thankful for.

I'm glad the children were fairly unaware. I do not know how you "deal" with parents who persistently claim "my child wouldn't do that" we had some had dd1's infant school - it made it very difficult for the school indeed. The parent would not permit the school to discipline her son at all, he ran riot in the classroom and meant the rest of the children suffered!!! He went onto get expelled from his junior school, went to dd's junior school and then moved onto another. Oh and of course he never did anything wrong ever according to his mum!