To feel so angry at another mum who is supposed to be a "friend"

[tigerlily1980]

Sorry this is going to be long....

I'll set the scene by explaining that I have twins in reception. Last year they were at the school nursery and I was fortunate to bond with a few mums (about 7 of us), and we did the whole Playdates, birthday parties, hen nights, ann summers etc. (I know it sounds cliquey, but to be honest there were other mums I bonded with outside the clique too.) Anyway, things were lovely, no bitchiness or anything..

until...

This year, our kids all started reception. They were all split between 3 classes, but we all remained friends at the school gate. The trouble all started when we had a parents night at the end of last time. One of the mums was really upset because she felt that the teacher had nothing good to say about her son. To be honest, he is incredibly naughty (my children don't like him although he is in a class with my son), and I could kind of agree with the teachers comments, but empathised with the Mums tears.

Just before Christmas, the teacher called her over to say that her son had been spitting and she had warned him that if he did it again, he would have to sit out of an activity. The boy proceeded and the teacher explained to mum that she had carried out threat. Mum was furious and felt son really was being picked on, so saw deputy head. The deputy head spoke in defence of teacher, and also said that the son was quite naughty. Once again, mum took it that son was being victimised.

Anyway, sorry if this gets confusing...

It was my twins birthday party yesterday, and I invited the cliques kids, aswell as some others they had bonded with. One particular little boy is new to the school and a real sweetie, an old fashioned little character who is good friends with my son, and we have been to his house. I am the only one in our clique who knows this boy and his mum, and they are a lovely, shy, inoffensive family.

Anyway a few days before the party the defensive mum, claimed her son was too scared to come to the twins birthday party as he was being victimised by the old fashioned boy and they had had an argument at school about who was going to the party. She had written a long letter to the school and the deputy head approached her and said that the other little boy was lovely, it was a silly argument, all the boys were now friends, and birthday party arguments were very common. But mother was now fuming, in her eyes son was victimised by teacher, deputy head and also the other boy.

The twins birthday party was on Sunday. The enraged mother sent her thug of a husband along. The little nice boy was with his mum. The thug dad walked round glaring at the nice boy and telling his son to give him a slap. Another mum in our clique (a foster carer who I would expect to be more diplomatic) started stirring things up, saying nice boy was a bully.

Nice boys mum stood on her own most of the time, and seemed really upset. My husband kept an eye on the situation, and said the two boys in question didn't go near eachother, and there was no bullying.

Just as we sat down to eat, the "victimised" child threw a paddy. Another friends 16 month old son had hit him. Thug dad started going "Why you crying, is it that bully, I've had enough of this, he needs a slap". The nice boy once again had not touched him.

There was an awful atmosphere, that my mum and sisters and other mums picked up on and were uncomfortable. And I felt so sorry for the mum of the nice boy as she and he had done nothing. And of course thug dad did not say anything to her face, just made all these comments.

I came home and spent the evening crying. The bottom line is that the so called victimised boys mum is making him a victim. She can't handle the fact that he is naughty and won't take criticism. She has now made a really nice boy a scapegoat as nobody knows him and he's easy to bully.

I did ring the nice boys mum and apologise, and she started apologising to me (which choked me even more as none of it was her fault)and some of the other mums also told me how bad they had felt yesterday and they had read the situation as I had.

So am I wrong to feel so angry at somebody who is supposedly meant to be my friend..and whose husband created an atmosphere at a kids party? My sympathy and empathy has flown out of the window, because I believe that their son is not being victimised and actually by making him out to be a victim, they are being devious and vindictive.

It is difficult, because the mother of boisterous boy is bubbly, smart and at her best got a really smashing personality...hence why people turn a blind eye to sons behaviour. She hasn't been ostracised by anybody but is now causing another boy to be ostracised as people listen to her in the playground.

But it is the same situation as you are describing CarGirl. I feel sorry for the school.

diddly, you havent upset me at all. I was trying to present the other side. It is clearly not cut and dry.

It is very easy to look down our noses at badly behaved children. I try to rememeber, there but for the grace of God go I.

I agree that the boys father behaved terribly, and to encourage his child to give the lad a slap was totally out of order.

Thankfully i have a few years to go before i have to tolerate playground politics again. I simply hate it.

You said, that you think they can see their boy does no wrong. Do you KNOW this? or is it that they feel they must stick up for him rigidly to the outside world, to cover up any behavioural problems that they may well be desperately worried about. Head in sand syndrome.

I am not having a go at you, as i pointed out, i would probably reacted in totally the same way. It is very easy to preach the saintly approach, less easy to practice it. I do understand.

Is there a way that you can have a private chat with your friend, just you and her, no children, and definately no overbearing partner. It is of course, not your problem as such and heaven knows we all have enough of those without taking on other peoples. But you do sound like a caring person and if she does need a shoulder to cry on and possibly some pointers as to where to get some help for son (the school seem to have dismissed him as a naughty boy). Of course, if she dismisses you and insists her little lad is perfect, well, then you have your answer, you've done your bit, move on!

right - i'm tired!! What i missed here was that the mum, in the clique has ostracised the new mum!! ahhh, its all starting to maka de sense now That is shitty behaviour in istself, i think she might be overcompensating maybe? Anyway, i best keep my mouth shut, as i am misunderstanding left right and cetral tonight nite nite folks

Perhaps thats why i hate playground politics so much, it is just too much for my poor wee brain and basically flies over my head

They made you uncomfortable in your own home and ruined your childrens' party for you. How rude!

Thanks Lucyellensmum,
I think I will try to. I did speak to her the day before the party as she rang me to ask about presents for the twins, and it led to a conversation about what was happening at the school. I was being diplomatic, and actually suggested that we met up with the other boy and perhaps some other kids, which at the time she seemed happy about. I did sense that there were other things bothering her but she didn't elaborate.
I think that at first, the school were actually trying to be constructive with her, and offered her a plan of how to work with son's behaviour. Unfortunately she asked other mums about what reports they got in parents night who were quite boastful about their glowing reports (this is why I never disclose anything about parents night) and then she ended up in tears as to why was it her son? I feel that the school are getting tired of her, rather than her son.
I do agree that perhaps her defensiveness is not what she is feeling underneath, and after reading your posts, I am feeling better where she is concerned.
God, I am going through a wealth of emotions tonight.

As a matter of interest, was telling this remarkably unpleasant father to leave (taking his son with him if necessary) not an option? I can't imagine putting up with someone who incited one child at a party I was throwing to hit another ... but of course that's awful easy to say at a safe distance.

I think I'd be tempted to give nofb (nice old-fashioned boy) and your son a really nice day out together somewhere.

Oh lucyellensmum, don't feel bad (sorry just posted when your most recent message came up), you have just given me some thoughts about how the mother is feeling. Perhaps her situation is different given her status in the playground, but her true feelings may not be so different to yours.

Ubergeekian,
I was actually thinking of going to a science festival with the old fashioned boy. My son is also incredibly old fashioned (the opposite of his incredibly modern twin sister), and when we went to their house, the two boys were making out they were having adventures and looking for bugs with a magnifying glass.

We considered asking the dad to leave, but the party was at a childrens soft-play park, with 23 other kids at the party and another 20 kids playing, and I really felt that if I said anything an argument would happen, and I was so angry that I did not want to be seen rowing with this man. Saying that he did strop off 20 minutes early.

I am "old fashioned, shy mum" (well - in my playground!) and TBH no-one comes near me. We also have a boy that can do no wrong and his mum is part of a clique - not the main character, but major.

If this were to happen to me and my DS, I'd appreciate you (twin's mum) chatting about it on the playground - mention how awful you felt, how you didn't know what to do etc and keep it out of the shadows. I think it is through discussion that parental-peer-pressure can help sometimes... pressure to see that the wrong-doer is the only common denominator in so many situations (and hope that ONE day the conversation leads to a lightbulb moment for the clique mum!)

It is good that the kids are quite unaware so far.

I think if I were you, I'd focus on befriending the shy mum, her son and not ignoring the other woman but certainly backing off until major changes were seen.

Okay, well, say something. It sounds horrible. Don't bottle it up.

poor little shy boy - i really hope he doesn't get bullied!

Message withdrawn

anything happen at school today then?

i think you need to tell this woman how she is misreading this situation and making you all feel uncomfortable. do you have another close friend in the clique who could team up with you to speak to her. then at least you'll have a witness for who said what, should you need one!

Nothing happened at school. Saw the clique mum and she hasn't mentioned the party...or the nice boy. I did stick up for nice boy to her last time she slated him, and I think she knows that I won't be a nodding dog to her whims anymore. Didn't see nice mum as somtimes she arrives at the school later than me, but I did ring her last night.

Have been mixing with everybody today, as I have been trying to thank all the different mums for the birthday presents. I think this will be what I do from now on as I have never been a main player in the clique, but have always been invited to their social events, due to my partner going to school (many years ago) with one of their husbands. I am just going to be friendly with everybody.

There have been some other mums who have talked about the party, and they all seem apologetic and a bit shocked at the situation. A couple of them are sideliners of the clique (like me), and have said how they have felt recently that we are coming across as a really bitchy group, and that they have been acting like nodding dogs to the main players in the clique over the slating of teachers/nice boy. The general concensus is that the thug dad seems to explain some of boisterous boys behaviour. They are going to make a more concerted effort with the nice mum, and like me, start to mix around more.

And Lewisfan, I would never ignore the quiet, nice mum, she's a lovely person, and I have spoken to her ever since the first day at school when my little boy and her boy came out of school hand in hand. My son is also really old fashioned, and it is only mine and my daughters natural friendliness that have got him party invites. In the Nursery, his teacher said "He's a lovely boy, but is like an Enid Blyton character and doesn't quite fit in with other children, but hopefully there will be more boys like him in reception".

Had a similar experience with a mum I was friend's with who just couldn't accept that when her son got into trouble at school with the teacher he really was acting out. I tried to offer alot of support but when I heard another mum say that she was going to speak to the teacher because this boy had been bullying her daughter I thought I should speak to my friend to see if we could clear it up before it reached the teacher (and because as her friend I wanted her to know what was going on) Big mistake. She has never forgiven me - completely blanked me for a week and then discarded my daughter's xmas card in front of her son who then told my daughter the next day and she came home crying so I told her best to stay away from boy as me and the mother weren't getting along so it was the mother's feelings for me that caused her to act this way and not about my DD - however 2 days later she rang me up before school shouting that I had told my DD not to play with her DS ever again and wanted to know why - she went very quiet when she realised that her actions had been repeated by her son and admitted that she was mad at me for what I had said to her. It's a friendship that I was sorry to lose but I couldn't get it back on track after that. At the end of the day she felt that I had slagged off her son and that was that. It is very difficult to get through to people who are convinced that they or their children are the victims and if they won't even listen to their friends then there's no hope. The boy's father was definitely out of line. We all feel protective of our kids of course but to behave in such an immature way at abother child's party is unacceptable and you can't make allowances for it so can upset alot of people being upset by that. It sounds like your group will drift apart now but it happens. I hate losing friendships even though I know alot of poeple consider that they run their course - I feel a friend is a friend no matter what but if they turn on you or shut you out that's a different story. This other's boy's mum sounds nice so I agree to building a friendship with her and maybe one day everyone will get along - no I haven't been dribking - yet!!

blimey. It all goes on....and to think some of us just turn up, pick our kids up and go home

Focus your social life away from school? It does sound rather unhealthy and hysterical. Can't be helping the kids if they know their parents are this involved. Let them get on with things a bit more without this extra layer.......

Tigerlily RUN ...................
As far and as fast as you can from this toxic family.
When DS1 started school he got friendly with a little boy in his class, as the boys mum and I walked home the same way we got talking and arranged play dates.
The little boy was always hard work and I should have had alarm bells ring when the mum would say how her son had been picked on at 3 playgroups and had been to 3 per schools (always everyone else's fault ) most of the other parents gave her and her son a WIDE birth.

What ever her son did she would find an excuse for and it was ALWAYS someone had done something to him, she fell out with endless mothers over her son and I did try to discourage DS1 from being so friendly.
When she fell out with anyone she would send her hubby round to them (he really was a thug with the rap sheet to go with it)
Anyway her son started to bully mine, and I said to her we need to sort out the boys they are not getting on, she was in total denile about any wrong doing on her child's part.
Her son tryed to drown mine at a school swimming lesson and she felt it was her child that was being unfairly treated when he was moved to another group.
We had endless meetings at the school, with even the head saying her whole family were a problem, and an LSA saying her son was evil.
But no way no how would she admit her child could EVER do any wrong.
She would turn her back if she saw her son doing any wrong but if anyone hit back (as my son did one time) she sent the short angry thug hubby round to them.
And it was a constant no, no, no my DS would not / did not ect. Her hubby told the boy the only way to get respect was to demand it through violence
In the end I had her hubby, his half brother AND the child arrested.
DS1 is now at high school, her son went to a different one and within two weeks had 9 colours of shit kicked out of him because he started on some kids who were not going to take it (no I was not sorry to hear it).

People (term used loosely) like this NEVER change, Distance yourself and your son from this child and his mother as soon and as far as you can would be my advice.

HonoriaGlossop, you are right, and I was always one of these mums who talked to everybody at toddler groups, and never got into cliques. Of course there were always those kind of parents, who had an "exclusive club" and I never thought I'd be like that.

Up the school, it all became different, and I fell in with these Mums. My fault, I know. I'm angry at myself about that really.

It all feels very superficial (as I do have real friends away from the school), and I feel like I am at school again!!

Kimi and Kitti, your situations sound dreadful!

On reflection, I think I am going to be an all rounder mum, who talks to everyone...like I used to be.

or even just smile politely and keep your head down. There are lots of people at my ds' school who smile, say hello, and that's it. You don't have to go round talking to ANYONE

I appreciate I'm a miserable old hag though.

But I think if this was me I'd just 'drop n go' in the am and then 'swoop and take' in the pm.

the trick is not arriving before the doors open, and coming to pick up at 1 minute past the end of school so the kids are already coming out

oh and Tiger you really don't need to blame yourself. There really does seem to be a syndrome where, on starting their kids in reception, some perfectly 'normal' parents start acting as if THEY are the ones in school. I've seen it happen and I've read about it on here too. Not your fault. But I think you can and should dis-engage!

HonoriaGlossop,
It's good advice. I have a friend who does what you do (her child is at a different school). And her daughters birthday is in August so she doesn't invite many school friends (just the close ones). She always says that her daughter can mix with school friends at school, and with the friends she (the parent) chooses (i.e her friends kids) out of school hours.

I can't help feeling that the only way to calm the whole situation down will (unfortunately) be to try and talk the naughty boy's mum round. She is obviously quite insecure about both losing her friends, her son losing his friends, and her son's behaviour.

Why not ask her if she wants to meet up for a coffee? Listen to what she has to say, empathise, and say you'd like to make a fresh start. Explain that you don't want to lose her as a friend (probably the key issue here for her) or her son as a friend for your child (may have to grit your teeth as you say that one!) and ask laughingly: "How did we get ourselves into this mess, eh?"

You may be surprised, she may well be aware of her son's behaviour and just be very worried about it. However, this anxiety may be manifesting itself in different ways.

Unfortunately, most kids go through a naughty phase at school. Its just that she's the mum having to deal with it at the moment. Tomorrow it will be another mum being pulled aside by the teacher.

tiger, I think your friend has it spot on! And thinking on it, it's exactly what my parents did; we played with and saw friends at school, and that was enough! When we were a fair bit older, say junior school age, we got more interested in having our particular friends over for tea but that was at our request and my mum never got involved in the 'oh we must invite so and so back' - she just didn't do it.

i think you should take the pressure off yourself here, you don't NEED to be close with any of these people.

I do understand though it's difficult to sort of pull back once this situation has arisen. I think I'd put on a distant smile and just make the most bland of remarks if people try to talk in detail to you about this "Oh I expect it will all come out in the wash" etc etc....

Have nothing constructive to add - but can I say I am at all of this. I thought I had left playground politics behind when I left school. Am unnerved that this is yet to come - DS is 20 weeks.