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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A money one. Advice needed.

67 replies

Montasaurus · 26/08/2022 22:05

A few months ago I came into a significant sum of money. Enough to change mine and my DH’s life and help others too.

No one other than my DH knows about this and he has no immediate family. I have decided I am going to gift my siblings an amount each but my dilemma is this…

My parents. Backstory is they are extremely grabby/some may say greedy. Neither have any friends/family relationships outside of our immediate sibling family due to this. They are well off - multiple homes etc but are very odd with money - say things like ‘oh everything should be fair’ but act the complete opposite. An example of this is my mum’s dad died ten years ago, all of us grandkids were left a sum of money each and I have never received mine - told I would waste it (I am 44 with a career, mortgage etc that I have done by myself).

My question is… what do I do? If I don’t gift them anything, all hell will break loose. A part of me wants to ask them for the inheritance/other things nicely one last time to see if anything changes/test them and then decide. As I say, no one in my family knows about this money I have come into and my parents would only need the money to say buy another holiday or property.

AIBU?

YANBU - gift them nothing.
YABU - they are still your parents. Help them.

OP posts:
Cavvies · 26/08/2022 22:07

Well of course you don’t give them anything. You are still very much stuck in the FOG

yiuve said should you help them? But how do they need help?? I’d they were about to be made homeless okay maybe. But in these circumstances of course not!

DanielRicciardosSmile · 26/08/2022 22:07

Give your siblings the amount you should have received from your grandfather, and tell your parents to keep that instead? Obviously only if feasible.

PinkButtercups · 26/08/2022 22:07

They don't want to hand over what your grandparent left you so wouldn't bat an eyelid about not gifting them money.

If they don't like it they shouldn't do it either 🤷🏻‍♀️.

LittlePearl · 26/08/2022 22:12

I don't understand why you would give money to people that already have multiple homes. My parents would never expect gifts of money from me and I wouldn't make them, unless they were in need of course.

Give what you want to your siblings.

nomistake · 26/08/2022 22:16

How did you never receive the money your grandfather left you?

Of course you shouldn't give them a penny, and if they ask just say that they kept your grandfather's inheritance left to you so why would you give them any more.

declutteringmymind · 26/08/2022 22:22

Yes. Tell them your inheritance is their share of your fortune.

Do you think your siblings can keep schtum?

Congratulations!

MaggieFS · 26/08/2022 22:25

Err, no. They've already withheld what's legally yours and are lucky you haven't pursued it through the courts. Of course you aren't going to give them anything, irrespective of their financial situation.

AdoraBell · 26/08/2022 22:27

YANBU

Don’t give them anything.

Late MIL left jewellery for my DDs, SIL was told which pieces for each DD. 3 years later SIL hasn’t sorted the jewellery. It’s in the parents bedroom, SIL still lives in their house, never moved out, so it’s not exactly difficult to find the things MIL wanted her grand daughters to have.

crystalls · 26/08/2022 22:45

If i came into a significant amount of money suddenly. I would only gift to those who i know would do the same for me. If you was owed inheritance and refused it by these people then why should they get money from you?

Goldunicorn · 26/08/2022 22:47

But your parents don’t “need” any help … if you think they’d only buy another holiday home. Admittedly that might be flippant on your part, but you don’t need to give anyone any money (especially if you can use the earlier inheritance as a retort!). If it would make you feel any better, what about a donation to a charity or group who your parents might use, or could benefit from? Or ironically a debt / money counselling charity in lieu of the gift to your parents!

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 26/08/2022 22:51

Before giving anyone anything I'd factor in that you are not going to inherit anything from your parents if they find out. If you have enough not to let that worry you then I'd give your siblings identical amounts on condition they said nothing to your parents. Is there a weak link amongst your siblings regarding telling parents things they shouldn't?

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 26/08/2022 22:52

AdoraBell · 26/08/2022 22:27

YANBU

Don’t give them anything.

Late MIL left jewellery for my DDs, SIL was told which pieces for each DD. 3 years later SIL hasn’t sorted the jewellery. It’s in the parents bedroom, SIL still lives in their house, never moved out, so it’s not exactly difficult to find the things MIL wanted her grand daughters to have.

Then your husband should go round and take those pieces.

RandomMess · 26/08/2022 23:04

I'm. Confused, your parents are wealthy why would they even need your financial help?

amicissimma · 26/08/2022 23:05

Unless your parents are in financial need, it's illogical to pass money backwards through the generations.

Realistically they are likely to die before you so you would simply be adding your money to their 'estate' on which you would have to pay inheritance tax before it was returned to you (or your generation).

Much better to pass it forwards to your children, perhaps some kind of savings, such as an ISA, or jISA. Or spend it on something that will enhance your family's life.

Do you have a particular charity you'd like to support? Or a struggling family member? It would be nice to give some to your siblings but difficult if your parents will hear of it and cause unpleasantness. It would be sad if the 'life changing' money changed your life for the worse.

Nyna · 26/08/2022 23:33

It really makes no sense gifting your parents. In every family I know parents that are well-off would help their children, not the other way around. They’d even prefer a bigger gift to the siblings!
If your siblings can’t keep a secret I’d consider how to do that. If the money is not really needed I’d wait a bit to plan everything out carefully, as keeping the secret won’t be easy for everyone.

Rodedooda · 26/08/2022 23:38

Why would they need to know? Can you gift to your siblings on condition they keep quiet?

Very odd that you would consider giving them anything if they're already wealthy.

StClare101 · 26/08/2022 23:44

Your parents don’t need your help, and they owe you money, so….. no. How dare they withhold your inheritance from you????

They think badly of you so again, why would you help them.

Gift some money to your siblings but only if you actually like them and they would do the same for you!

buckeejit · 27/08/2022 00:59

Agree to give them nothing. They don't need it. Be canny with gifts iro tax. I might be swayed to gift siblings if they keep it from parents. They sound hard work.

Catmummyof2 · 27/08/2022 01:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

bridgetreilly · 27/08/2022 03:45

all of us grandkids were left a sum of money each and I have never received mine - told I would waste it

Who was the executor? Because this is illegal.

I would not be giving parents anything in these circumstances and if they complain, explain that you were going to give them £xxx but that cancelled out what they owed you from your grandfather’s will, so you saved them the trouble.

Danikm151 · 27/08/2022 03:56

Anonymous donation to siblings?
tell your parents you came into a little windfall and take them for dinner? They still got something then

Original poster
Montasaurus · 27/08/2022 07:00

Father was executor of the grandfathers wishes. My grandmother is still alive but very elderly.

Money given to father but kept.

There is a long history here - and I don’t want it to be too outing. Basically we haven’t spent much time with that side of the family due to my mothers behaviour towards her ILs, not until we were adults and it was too late. The idea that DM now is spending their money after spending the last 30 odd years saying awful things about them and trying to get us (her children) to hate them is beyond the pale.

Siblings are a mixed bunch but will say something. No secrets in our family remain that way for long.

OP posts:
Original poster
Montasaurus · 27/08/2022 07:02

Sorry in my original post - it was dad’s dad that died and left the money. Sorry to confuse.

OP posts:
FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 27/08/2022 07:24

If I woke up in your shoes, and was facing this issue I would use the money to do the following, in order:

  1. use the money to secure my and DH’s future - all debts paid off, mortgage paid off, pensions topped up, 6 month emergency fund filled, both of us financially able to retire between 50-55 (if wanted), or to cut down to part-time days or a less well-paying job from 45- onwards, to enjoy a more balanced lifestyle. This also includes replacing any old fixtures/fittings in the home that would need replacing before retirement - new boiler, solar panels, new cars, energy efficient appliances etc etc.

  2. use the money to secure my children’s futures. Education (school and university) paid for, generous house deposit for each one. Before I gave any away, I would want to make sure I was giving 50% house deposits to my children.

Achieving both these things shouldn’t look ‘flashy’ to outsiders. Doing them is good financial sense and if you are careful about it, no one would know you had come into money. Even your children - the money to them should come with strong financial lessons about saving to match the value of the deposit handed over and not needing a job at uni, therefore your ‘job’ is studying and getting better grades etc.

  1. Now I would set aside enough for 2 family holidays each year. One big, one smaller

  2. Then money in investments creating a second passive income, so not just wages.

  3. Now I would consider helping family/friends. But how much is realistically left? I’d think about it, and wait until there is a need and then step in. Perhaps give all nieces and nephews £2000 on their 18th birthday towards driving lessons or uni costs. Perhaps the same as a lump sum to a family member (incl parents) on a significant birthday (50th, 75th etc).

But I wouldn’t tell anyone where you got the money.

No amount you give them would be enough, they would always want more and be annoyed at you for it.

Verbena1 · 27/08/2022 07:26

Possibly impractical, but could you give the money to your siblings anonymously, eg through a solicitor? You could honestly say you had received money too. Obviously you shouldn’t give your parents anything.