Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A money one. Advice needed.

67 replies

Montasaurus · 26/08/2022 22:05

A few months ago I came into a significant sum of money. Enough to change mine and my DH’s life and help others too.

No one other than my DH knows about this and he has no immediate family. I have decided I am going to gift my siblings an amount each but my dilemma is this…

My parents. Backstory is they are extremely grabby/some may say greedy. Neither have any friends/family relationships outside of our immediate sibling family due to this. They are well off - multiple homes etc but are very odd with money - say things like ‘oh everything should be fair’ but act the complete opposite. An example of this is my mum’s dad died ten years ago, all of us grandkids were left a sum of money each and I have never received mine - told I would waste it (I am 44 with a career, mortgage etc that I have done by myself).

My question is… what do I do? If I don’t gift them anything, all hell will break loose. A part of me wants to ask them for the inheritance/other things nicely one last time to see if anything changes/test them and then decide. As I say, no one in my family knows about this money I have come into and my parents would only need the money to say buy another holiday or property.

AIBU?

YANBU - gift them nothing.
YABU - they are still your parents. Help them.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/08/2022 08:31

Your mother was vile towards her IL then keep the money yourself and honour your grandfather's wishes.

Your mother can reap what she sows.

It sounds like you have a toxic nuclear family and you will be damned by all of them no matter what you do.

RandomMess · 27/08/2022 08:32

You could set up a trust fund to benefit all your nieces and nephews in the future - perhaps you could have a property portfolio or similar? It's a way of skipping your siblings but future generations benefit.

Sarahcoggles · 27/08/2022 08:37

Do your siblings need the money? It sounds as if you're all quite rich.
I wouldn't give any to your parents, especially as they're breaking the law by not releasing your share of the other inheritance (I wouldn't let that lie by the way). And if your siblings can't be trusted to keep quiet, I wouldn't give them any either. I'd keep some and give some to charity.

honkeytonkwoman38 · 27/08/2022 08:37

I'm not sure why it's even a dilemma. They wouldn't get a penny off me!

Daisy95 · 27/08/2022 08:37

Have you actually come into enough money to help your siblings?
Mortgage paid off, pensions topped up so can retire at 55, decent savings pot, do you have/want children (school funds), money for holidays/new cars for your lifetime?
I definitely wouldn't be helping my parents out especially if they have multiple properties.

cabansunset · 27/08/2022 08:42

Quite honestly I wouldn't give any of your family anything.
Your siblings stood by and witnessed you not getting your inheritance from your grandparents while accepting theirs.
Nah...not nice.

AhNowTed · 27/08/2022 08:48

It would need to be Euromillions type money before I'd considered giving large chunks of it away.

And then only to those I'd be confident would reciprocate.

rumred · 27/08/2022 09:12

Give some to charity as their contribution. They don't need it, lots of people and animals do however.

Original poster
Montasaurus · 27/08/2022 09:14

@RandomMess you have hit the nail on the head here. Toxic is our middle name! Competitive, infighting etc etc.

Great idea about nieces and nephews. I have five of them - love them dearly, even though their parents can be difficult. I’ll have a look into a trust, brilliant idea and far better for everyone. I could then keep it secret until their are 18/21/25?

OP posts:
ninjafoodienovice · 27/08/2022 09:37

The trust for your nieces and nephews sounds like a great plan but word of caution - please don't let them have it when they are 18. I would say 25 is a much better age. Money too young can be a recipe for disaster.
I'm sorry your family is so toxic

Houseplantmad · 27/08/2022 09:39

crystalls · 26/08/2022 22:45

If i came into a significant amount of money suddenly. I would only gift to those who i know would do the same for me. If you was owed inheritance and refused it by these people then why should they get money from you?

This ^

Sswhinesthebest · 27/08/2022 09:50

Love the idea for the nephews and nieces.

But really unless it’s multi millions you’d be better off investing it and then using the passive income to pay into a fund for them. Don’t deplete your lump sum. Use that to generate an income. I’d see a financial adviser if I were you.

SquishyGloopyBum · 27/08/2022 12:43

I would invest that money in getting counselling op. It's all kinds of wrong that you are even considering giving your parents money given how they treat you.

I would also get legal advice about the will. Your father isn't legally allowed to withhold it.

HannahSternDefoe · 27/08/2022 12:49

Siblings are a mixed bunch but will say something. No secrets in our family remain that way for long.

For this reason alone, I would give them nothing. You can't trust them not to tell your parents.
You can leave each of your DNs a sum in your wills.
Please get professional financial and legal advice before you do anything.

SilverDragonfly1 · 27/08/2022 13:16

Put whatever you might have given your parents into savings as their will may well also not be fair, even if you do give it to them. Doesn't sound like they'd think twice about leaving one or more children or grandchildren out if they felt like it on the day they made the will...

Augend23 · 27/08/2022 13:33

Sswhinesthebest · 27/08/2022 09:50

Love the idea for the nephews and nieces.

But really unless it’s multi millions you’d be better off investing it and then using the passive income to pay into a fund for them. Don’t deplete your lump sum. Use that to generate an income. I’d see a financial adviser if I were you.

This sounds like a good idea to me.

I always have mixed feelings about the age at which money should come out of trust.

I think if it can be used for something sensible before 25 then it's fine but e.g. I was a very sensible/overly frugsl teen and saved and saved so had enough (with some money from my grandparents on top) for a deposit at 22. If I hadn't been able to use it til I was 25 I would have been paying rent unnecessarily for an extra 3 years.

But I do also see the worry about them not being sensible with it!

Aubree17 · 27/08/2022 13:37

Ask your parents what happened to your share of the money. I'm so shocked at this.

I'm Guessing your siblings need the help and your parents don't. You don't need a justification for giving a gift but if your looking for one there it is.

MaggieFS · 27/08/2022 14:37

I agree with pp (and you!) that a trust from age 25 is a good way to go.

DM has recently set one up for her grandchildren and it's worded as for the benefit of GC of DM rather than naming names in case any more come along.

Original poster
Montasaurus · 27/08/2022 16:48

Thank you for lovely replies. Very helpful.

To answer questions -

  1. All of my siblings are in their 40’s - money has only be released from the will to put down for a house move. Parents will not give money for anything else.
  2. due to the above, because I had a house before GF died, that I paid for myself, I haven’t needed the money for a home. I did however get married and scrimped/saved for my big day. I wasn’t allowed to use the money from the will for this. All other siblings have used money for house deposits.
  3. My DM is the instigator of this - probably why it makes me so angry given her history with DF’s family. She refused to work nearly all of her adult life, despite having a decent degree in a core subject, therefore will not get a full state pension. She’s currently trying to convince a family member to sign to say she has done childcare for their child to get around this. This is the sort of person she is - several properties, lavish holidays, inheritance from people that she hates and she behaves like this.

i’ve moved far away from my hometown due to the toxicity. I feel cleansed as a result. I think a trust accessible at 25 is the way to go - love the PP’s idea about having one that benefits future nieces and nephews too. I am unlikely to have children with my husband so I want to give them something too with no caveats on how they spend it!

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 27/08/2022 16:56

Usually I'm all for sharing but in this instance sharing with your siblings is going to cause family ructions. So keep it to yourself and dh and mention it to no one.

Blossomtoes · 27/08/2022 16:58

Christ @FollowYourOwnNorthStar, how much do you think this inheritance is?

RandomMess · 27/08/2022 17:06

I would honestly pursue you father has executor for not distributing the will according to its terms. Give him one last chance and then tell him what he is doing is illegal.

Your parents sound awful so you may as well go the whole hog get your inheritance to prove a point and then you could give that to your siblings.

YellowPlumbob · 27/08/2022 17:10

Why the fuck would you give already wealthy people money? Even more so ones who presumably broke the law by not passing on your inheritance to you?

hedgehogFC · 27/08/2022 17:19

Montasaurus · 27/08/2022 16:48

Thank you for lovely replies. Very helpful.

To answer questions -

  1. All of my siblings are in their 40’s - money has only be released from the will to put down for a house move. Parents will not give money for anything else.
  2. due to the above, because I had a house before GF died, that I paid for myself, I haven’t needed the money for a home. I did however get married and scrimped/saved for my big day. I wasn’t allowed to use the money from the will for this. All other siblings have used money for house deposits.
  3. My DM is the instigator of this - probably why it makes me so angry given her history with DF’s family. She refused to work nearly all of her adult life, despite having a decent degree in a core subject, therefore will not get a full state pension. She’s currently trying to convince a family member to sign to say she has done childcare for their child to get around this. This is the sort of person she is - several properties, lavish holidays, inheritance from people that she hates and she behaves like this.

i’ve moved far away from my hometown due to the toxicity. I feel cleansed as a result. I think a trust accessible at 25 is the way to go - love the PP’s idea about having one that benefits future nieces and nephews too. I am unlikely to have children with my husband so I want to give them something too with no caveats on how they spend it!

What is your DM expecting someone to sign re her pension? Does she realise that state pension is related to paying her "stamp" so if she hasn't paid that over the years then she'll only get the very basic linked to receiving child benefit.

NippyWoowoo · 27/08/2022 17:20

Tell them that you'll give them a share but you'll take your inheritance out of it first. The 'share' will be the same amount that the inheritance was Grin