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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother and SIL over-stepping

63 replies

CoorieIn · 26/08/2022 12:14

My brother and SIL are great with my kids and it's nice however, they have a tendency to over-step with my eldest.

They have done things like planning days out or particular activities for her birthday and speaking to her directly about it instead of me. I had planned the same thing but because they told her and I was keeping it a surprise I had to cancel. SIL said she used to always do this with her Mum (yes, so maybe consider that I, as her Mum may have wanted to do it)

Inviting her to spend the day on a specific day without asking me - again we had plans which I couldn't cancel so DD wasn't happy with me because I said no and it would need to be another day.

Buying things that aren't age appropriate. Expensive make up is one example, DD was 9 at the time and other than a teeny bit of blusher for a party etc she wasn't allowed to wear make up.

The latest is suggesting she could maybe join them on holiday - that is a flat no.

There are others but this is the basic gist of it. It's nice that they want to spend time with her and clearly adore her but I want to be consulted BEFORE they speak to DD because if it doesn't suit or I say no she just assumes it's me spoiling her fun. I also have 2 children and it's clear they favour the eldest but it has in the past upset my youngest (who has done nothing wrong, she's just 6 compared to her 11 year old sister so probably viewed as more work). She's felt left out at times so I've had to make some decisions based on that also.

I've asked they go through me but it's been ignored. I've told eldest DD that the holiday thing was probably just said in a "it would be fun way" rather than a plan but I actually think they are testing the water.

Am I being silly or do I need to tell them to back off a bit?

OP posts:
Trudij123 · 26/08/2022 12:16

Have you posted about this before? I’m sure I remember a similar thread…

you need to talk to them. Or get your husband to have a word - they are seriously overstepping. It’s lovely that they want to do all these things, but it’s at best curtesy that they go through you!!

mamabear715 · 26/08/2022 12:18

Do they have children of their own? Am presuming not?

As you've already told them to run things past you & they haven't, I would impress on DD instead that you need to know, because of choosing the same dates / places & you being sad that your own activity idea has been spoiled. Plus explain to DD about her sister. Maybe they plan to do the same for her when she's older, but for now, she's being left out.
Totally thoughtless.

Original poster
CoorieIn · 26/08/2022 12:22

Possibly a while ago, I had to change my email address recently so setting up new accounts for everything.

The holiday thing is new though. DH has spoken to my brother once when they wanted to do something and just said "sorry no, youngest DD is wanting to go also so we'll be taking them both".

Mine and my brothers relationship is good but it's been strained recently and this is part of the reason why.

I've spoken to them before but maybe I need to be more direct.

OP posts:
Rowen32 · 26/08/2022 12:23

I don't agree with PP about putting it on your daughter, she doesn't deserve to feel guilty or ashamed because you're sad or her little sister is upset, that isn't fair..

You need to ask your husband to have a word and if that doesn't work you need to have stronger words with SIL and tighten boundaries..

Does your daughter have a phone? How is she able to always tell your daughter before you?

It's awful you've lost out on special bonding time/moments with your girl, it's just so wrong..

mbosnz · 26/08/2022 12:23

My Mum had a policy that if we asked her if a friend could sleep over, or we could sleep over at theirs, in their presence, the answer was a flat no. The basis was that we were clearly trying to manipulate her into saying yes, by making it too awkward to say no. We were trying to railroad her.

I would speak to your DD, and to your brother and SIL separately, explaining to your brother and SIL that unless you have been asked and already approved any gift or plan, the answer will be a flat no, for similar reasons. I would be telling your DD that you've had that discussion, what the new policy was, so that she knows for future reference as well.

Rowen32 · 26/08/2022 12:24

Oops, sorry I thought it was your brother's sister, in that case you need to speak to your brother and yes, be more direct - get cross if you need to - it can't continue..

Rowen32 · 26/08/2022 12:25

Great advice from mbosnz!

Original poster
CoorieIn · 26/08/2022 12:26

They don't no. My Dad told me DB said that they probably won't have children but can have the best of both worlds. I assume they mean by doing the fun things as Auntie and Uncle but maintain the freedom they have by not having their own.

I try not to say too much infront of DD as she things there is nobody like them. I have said re her sister and she does understand that.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoorieIn · 26/08/2022 12:28

mbosnz

That's actually really quite an interesting way of doing it. I think it could actually work tbh. Thank you.

OP posts:
Fe345fleur · 26/08/2022 12:46

mbosnz · 26/08/2022 12:23

My Mum had a policy that if we asked her if a friend could sleep over, or we could sleep over at theirs, in their presence, the answer was a flat no. The basis was that we were clearly trying to manipulate her into saying yes, by making it too awkward to say no. We were trying to railroad her.

I would speak to your DD, and to your brother and SIL separately, explaining to your brother and SIL that unless you have been asked and already approved any gift or plan, the answer will be a flat no, for similar reasons. I would be telling your DD that you've had that discussion, what the new policy was, so that she knows for future reference as well.

This sounds like good advice 👍🙂

Hopelessacademic · 26/08/2022 12:49

mbosnz · 26/08/2022 12:23

My Mum had a policy that if we asked her if a friend could sleep over, or we could sleep over at theirs, in their presence, the answer was a flat no. The basis was that we were clearly trying to manipulate her into saying yes, by making it too awkward to say no. We were trying to railroad her.

I would speak to your DD, and to your brother and SIL separately, explaining to your brother and SIL that unless you have been asked and already approved any gift or plan, the answer will be a flat no, for similar reasons. I would be telling your DD that you've had that discussion, what the new policy was, so that she knows for future reference as well.

My mum did very similar!
i don't know if she ever said explicitly, but if you ever asked "can X come over" in front of them it was always a no!

girlmom21 · 26/08/2022 12:52

How old is DD?

Original poster
CoorieIn · 26/08/2022 12:59

She's 11 girlmom21

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 26/08/2022 13:04

I would definitely speak to them but also let DD know that all plans have to be run by you first

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 26/08/2022 13:08

I can see why it’s annoying but if someone wanted to live my child this much I’d be letting them

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 26/08/2022 13:11

Love*

Original poster
CoorieIn · 26/08/2022 13:11

DD knows she needs to ask me but it's more that I'm viewed as the bad one ruining her fun if I have to say no for any reason.

DD has a hobby that SIL had as a kid and has in the past said she wants to take her to certain weekend things and I've said she's more than welcome to join us however, she has never come and I think that's because she wants to be the only one there. I adore my SIL but I do find it a bit weird, it's like she wants to play parent her if that makes sense?

I do worry a bit about the coming years where DD starts to manage her time herself. I don't want to lose her to them which I know sounds silly but I do feel like they will butt into her life when I'm no longer gatekeeper and can't hold them at bay a bit. I guess it makes me a little sad to feel like we might be ditched in favour of a fun Aunt and Uncle.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoorieIn · 26/08/2022 13:13

I have no problem with them loving her and doing things with her. I just would like to be consulted before they speak to her about it so I can arrange it for a suitable time or have the chance to say "we actually have the same thing booked so she can't come sorry".

OP posts:
Original poster
CoorieIn · 26/08/2022 13:14

And also the issue of them excluding her little sister who doesn't understand why her Aunt and Uncle take her big sister out to do these things and don't do anything with her one on one.

OP posts:
FriendOfDorothyGale · 26/08/2022 13:28

I would be approaching from the angle of it's not fair to your younger child.

I would be so upset if any of my siblings did this with me if I had more than 1 child.

My siblings who have more than one child, I have only ever treated both. No way would I make a fuss of one and not the other.

forrestgreen · 26/08/2022 13:32

Definitely what was said upthread about asking you first or it'll just be a no.

But also if they're not treating your children the same then I'd stop it all now

chillipenguin · 26/08/2022 13:35

mbosnz · 26/08/2022 12:23

My Mum had a policy that if we asked her if a friend could sleep over, or we could sleep over at theirs, in their presence, the answer was a flat no. The basis was that we were clearly trying to manipulate her into saying yes, by making it too awkward to say no. We were trying to railroad her.

I would speak to your DD, and to your brother and SIL separately, explaining to your brother and SIL that unless you have been asked and already approved any gift or plan, the answer will be a flat no, for similar reasons. I would be telling your DD that you've had that discussion, what the new policy was, so that she knows for future reference as well.

Yup go with this

Natty13 · 26/08/2022 13:38

I've always had the rule that anyone who tries to organise things with my children without talking to me about it first its an automatic no. End of. People really do soon learn to talk to your first if they want to spend time with your kids, it keeps everyone in their lane and allows you to veto things that don't suit.

Original poster
CoorieIn · 26/08/2022 13:41

I've definitely limited the one on one time to only birthday treats or if it's a Christmas gift but I did overhear SIL making plans with DD and I said something along the lines of, "oh it wouldn't really be fair on DD2". I had thought that would be enough to make it clear but apparently not so.

It could be that DD1 has picked up the holiday thing wrong but I doubt it. I wouldn't let them take both even if they asked, they are great at the fun side but they would cope well when it comes to rules and the mundane day to day aspect of children (even on a fun holiday). It's also too long and would impact on our own family plans.

OP posts:
MerryChristmasToYou · 26/08/2022 13:42

It's downright unfair on DD2.