Brother and SIL over-stepping

[CoorieIn]

My brother and SIL are great with my kids and it's nice however, they have a tendency to over-step with my eldest.

They have done things like planning days out or particular activities for her birthday and speaking to her directly about it instead of me. I had planned the same thing but because they told her and I was keeping it a surprise I had to cancel. SIL said she used to always do this with her Mum (yes, so maybe consider that I, as her Mum may have wanted to do it)

Inviting her to spend the day on a specific day without asking me - again we had plans which I couldn't cancel so DD wasn't happy with me because I said no and it would need to be another day.

Buying things that aren't age appropriate. Expensive make up is one example, DD was 9 at the time and other than a teeny bit of blusher for a party etc she wasn't allowed to wear make up.

The latest is suggesting she could maybe join them on holiday - that is a flat no.

There are others but this is the basic gist of it. It's nice that they want to spend time with her and clearly adore her but I want to be consulted BEFORE they speak to DD because if it doesn't suit or I say no she just assumes it's me spoiling her fun. I also have 2 children and it's clear they favour the eldest but it has in the past upset my youngest (who has done nothing wrong, she's just 6 compared to her 11 year old sister so probably viewed as more work). She's felt left out at times so I've had to make some decisions based on that also.

I've asked they go through me but it's been ignored. I've told eldest DD that the holiday thing was probably just said in a "it would be fun way" rather than a plan but I actually think they are testing the water.

Am I being silly or do I need to tell them to back off a bit?

Thanks everyone, I think I'll have a chat with my brother and also with eldest DD to explain that if they do try and make plans she really needs to say that they are best to ask me and also explain I'm not out to ruin her fun but some things just aren't practical or possible.

If it happens again after that it'll just be a flat no.

I can understand your concerns, OP. She does sound like she’s playing parent with your DD. You’ve asked her to run things past you first and she’s ignored you on purpose. I’d never in a million years do that with my nieces. It’s up to the parents and all requests should be run past the parents first with no mention to any DC involved. That’s commonsense.

I’d distance myself from them a bit, and if they asked why I’d tell them. It’s disrespectful, undermining and interfering quite frankly.

At the same time as outlining you need to be consulted say that they need to spend equal time with both girls, not necessarily together or the same activity but if Lily goes to the ballet with them one week it is Mia's turn next time to go to soft play. Then you can have time with just the other one.

In a couple of years none of you will be as cool as her mates anyway so you will all be ditched unless needed for money 🤣.

I agree with the general gist of other posters, but one thing: I don’t think you can ask DB and SIL to seek prior approval of gifts. I think she can accept them all, but you as a mother have a right to quietly remove them saying “these aren’t age appropriate, I’m your mother and have responsibility for you”, and perhaps save them for another day. Or return them with a suggestion of something that would be more age appropriate. Some adults without children in their lives aren’t even aware of the array of “stuff” out there, they only have their own adult frame of reference.

Things like too-expensive make-up though: I would feel the same way as you and probably react similarly. Also, make-up goes off. But take a long view: does it really matter? She’s just being spoiled a little by her aunt and uncle. That’s okay, and you can counter balance at home. If we’re talking an Apple Watch for an 11yo though: not age-appropriate, won’t go off, can be held back for a few years or returned to DB/SIL in favour of a Fitbit or something.

Have said all that, the impact this is having on your youngest is a completely different issue that is worth having an open conversation with your brother and SIL about. I personally PILs go as far as both-or-neither (except for Eg outings which aren’t age appropriate). Do they actually want to harm the younger child? Because that’s what they probably don’t realise they’re doing.

They are creating conflicts between you and your dd, and potentially between your dd and her sibling. I’d definitely have a calm chat thanking them for the kind thoughts of these treats but that they need to come to you first and include both children.

I’d just tell them explicitly that kids are not for playing “Mummy’s and Daddy’s” with, and that they need to back right off. It’s a bit creepy, tbh.

In a couple of years none of you will be as cool as her mates anyway so you will all be ditched unless needed for money

Well this is true 😆

I'm the Auntie amongst both my brothers DC and DSS. I have the luxury of being able to spoil my nieces and nephews and enjoy doing so, but any suggestions are always made to the parents privately well in advance to make sure it isn't clashing with their own and any exciting plans are left to the parents to reveal to their kids so any excitement is associated with their mum or dads authority. It's a bit sneaky and unnecessary for SIL to try and undermine your place, it's not a competition. Definitely have a word and give them some new boundaries to work with otherwise it may be a no to any future plans with them.

I had a sibling who favoured one. It caused problems with self esteem for the less favoured one and was very upsetting all round. Get angry, this is horrible.

alphons

Oh I completely agree.

She kept the makeup, I just had a say on when a how and when it was used (for dress up rather than a family party kind of thing). It's not something I would even bring up it was just an example. I really don't split hairs over the little things, it's the bigger ones that I'm more concerned about and trying to fizzle out.

I wonder if your sil wants kids but your doesn’t.

And agree about the fairness thing, they all go or nothing. I regularly take all 6 of my nieces and nephews out alone. It's cruel to leave anyone out, especially if it's the same child over and over.

db doesn’t

Runningslow it's actually more the other way around.

Thankfully DD2 is young enough that we've fudged over it for the most part and made a big fuss of her but then the flip side is DD1 feeling left out of family plans. Like we waited for her to be away to do something really fun that she also would have liked to do with us.

Latterly it was noticed a couple of times by DD2 which is when I really put my foot down. She's an awesome wee kid and I don't want her feeling left out by them.

The “best of both worlds” comment would really really get my hackles up. No, you absolutely don’t get to play at being a parent with my child and you don’t get to push in and grab the “best bits”. Of course you can have a great relationship with children that aren’t your own, but it’s not a parental relationship and it’s really not possible to have all the lovely bits of having children without any of the responsibilities. My family and friends are more than welcome to special time with my children, I’m thrilled they have loving adults in their lives, but DH and I expect to be respected as their parents. And I expect equal effort with both children.

I think you need a very blunt conversation OP.

Every time you have to say no to your DD I would make it clear to her that the reason you are saying no is because aunty and uncle have not arranged it with you. Make it obvious it's their fault not yours, don't become the bad one!
Then every time they ask to do something with older dd I would only agree to it if an arrangement is also made for younger dd - doesn't have to be the same thing, but should be similar timeframe. I'd be strict that either both girls get a treat/outing or neither of them do.
It's lovely they are so invested as aunty and uncle, but set your boundaries.

To me, loving someone else's child means being respectful as their role as the parents - the ones doing all the hard yakka, and supporting that, rather than undermining it. So, asking if it's possible to do such and such, rather than arranging it and presenting it as a fait accompli, supporting and enhancing sibling relationships, rather than playing favourites, being aware and respectful that Mum and Dad want to be the ones to do the special events, buy the special presents, and being very careful not to tread on those very well earned toes! Asking whether a gift is appropriate, or maybe they could suggest something more appropriate, if not. . .

A child isn't a plaything, or a pet, and I would never thank anyone for treating mine as such.

it does sound like it will be a difficult conversation but if you come from the younger daughter angle and they still carry on I'd take a very dim view and perhaps be forced to put a stop to it. I'd give them a chance to change first though.

My mother had a best friend who loved taking my older sister out for treats and never once did anything with me. I can still remember the horrible feeling wondering why she didn't like me, what was wrong with me and so on. I wish my parents had taken some action, or validated my feelings, rather than glossing over it to save awkwardness (not saying you are glossing, just that's what they did and it made it worse that it wasn't even acknowledged properly).

I agree with this.

I actually don't think they are that nice at all.

They complete ignore your request and repeatedly exclude your younger child.

Kindly meant OP, but your boundaries are very poor.

You really should not be tolerating such interference in your parenting.

The best of both worlds comment is striking, this is all about THEIR needs being met by one of YOUR children.

I wouldn't have tolerated this for a minute.

I would take firm action now.
This is only going to go one way during the teen years with aunty buying her clothes, make up, concert tickets and happily edging you out whilst she has the best of both worlds.

She could care less about you and your relationship with YOUR child.

I am not suggesting for a minute a respectful relationship isn't lovely or that your child is your procession, but they do not care about anything but their needs being met.

Absolutely not on IMO.

All of this is so disrespectful towards you.

I agree all plans need to be run past you first….try to explain to dd in an age appropriate way if you can.

I think you need to tell them this as well. It’s nice that they want to be involved but you are the parents so all plans run past you first before mentioning to dc and your other dc must be regularly included too so as not to feel left out.

if it continues after that, I’d look at reducing contact with them. They sound a bit crazy, I don’t know of anyone who would behave that way with someone else’s children even if they are family!!

I'm sorry you went through that.

It's definitely lessened but more because of my actions. They are still trying to make the plans and I'm just blocking them in reality so I guess I need to tackle it head on at the source.

I don't want them to think it's just because of youngest DD though, I think if I'm going to have the conversation I need to tackle the full issue which is also that they aren't taking myself or my husband into account. I maybe need to tell them that I had to cancel my birthday plans with DD because they got in their first and that actually that isn't ok.

I'm not very good at instigating difficult conversations in my private life, irony being I basically have difficult conversations for a living. I find it easier to respond to a specific situation rather than raise the issue as a whole. I will though because I know it needs addressed as the dealing with each individual thing at the time doesn't seem to be working.

I’d tell them they either treat both children the same in terms of treats/one-on-one time or they see neither. Your youngest DD will be picking up that they’re playing favourites not in her favour and that can be devastating for self esteem.

billy1966

You're right. It's crept in though. I will deal with it.

I don't think they mean it maliciously, I think they are just a bit blinkered and yes they can be a bit selfish, it probably is about their enjoyment more than anything else.

I do mean it kindly but you need to come at this from whats best for you and your child.

Because their influence, arrogance, and presumptuous in thinking they have rights over your child may well come back to bite you hard.

Will fun aunty be sticking her nose in and disagreeing when you try an lay down boundaries as your teen gets older.

My friend and her younger sister had a huge falling out when her 16 year old wanted to go to a festival for a weekend with friends and my friend was having none of it.
Her sister told her that she was being mean and should let go the reins a bit and chill....in front of her daughter.

My friend was so bloody furious with her completely unasked for opinion on her parenting decision.

Her sister apologised when she realised just how furious her sister was but things have not been the same between them since.

What if aunty thinks drinking alcohol is ok and you don't?

You have given someone who doesn't respect or care about YOUR boundaries a huge position of influence over YOUR child.

Start pulling back, firmly.

The birthday outing should NOT have gone ahead with them.

No it shouldn't have and honestly the only reason it did is because DD was so excited. I was gutted.

Thanks for your post, it's definitely given me a bit to think about in how to handle it effectively so it puts a firm stop to the way things have been.