Brother and SIL over-stepping

[CoorieIn]

My brother and SIL are great with my kids and it's nice however, they have a tendency to over-step with my eldest.

They have done things like planning days out or particular activities for her birthday and speaking to her directly about it instead of me. I had planned the same thing but because they told her and I was keeping it a surprise I had to cancel. SIL said she used to always do this with her Mum (yes, so maybe consider that I, as her Mum may have wanted to do it)

Inviting her to spend the day on a specific day without asking me - again we had plans which I couldn't cancel so DD wasn't happy with me because I said no and it would need to be another day.

Buying things that aren't age appropriate. Expensive make up is one example, DD was 9 at the time and other than a teeny bit of blusher for a party etc she wasn't allowed to wear make up.

The latest is suggesting she could maybe join them on holiday - that is a flat no.

There are others but this is the basic gist of it. It's nice that they want to spend time with her and clearly adore her but I want to be consulted BEFORE they speak to DD because if it doesn't suit or I say no she just assumes it's me spoiling her fun. I also have 2 children and it's clear they favour the eldest but it has in the past upset my youngest (who has done nothing wrong, she's just 6 compared to her 11 year old sister so probably viewed as more work). She's felt left out at times so I've had to make some decisions based on that also.

I've asked they go through me but it's been ignored. I've told eldest DD that the holiday thing was probably just said in a "it would be fun way" rather than a plan but I actually think they are testing the water.

Am I being silly or do I need to tell them to back off a bit?

How will you feel if a them and you dynamic arises during the teenage years and you in the big bad cop role while aunty sympathises with her and rubbishes your decisions.

Stop these people openly undermining you now whilst your have a chance.

Two years from now and the choice will be out of your hands.

Good for you for posting.

Should you feel yourself weaken about asserting yourself, think how furious you will be in a couple of years when it is all out of your hands and these people are having the best of both worlds and you are bad cop and clashing with your child as you try and parent her.

I would be reading the riot act with them. She is 11 and everything should be run by you first. I would be blocking them on your DDs phone (if that is how they are getting to her without checking with you first) and having a hard conversation with them both setting out some iron clad rules.

They are teaching your DD that she doesnt have to listen to her parents as ‘other adults’ have priority. That all well and good while the other adults are well intentioned, but what happens if someone shady invites her somewhere, and off she trots because she is used to not having to run it by you first.

And then there is the favouritism issue as well as the contrast with their ‘Disney parenting’ and your ‘actual parenting’ which just sets DD up for family conflicts and unhappiness just as she is entering the tricky teenage years

I think you’ve been too accommodating here.

as well as doing the if you ask dd before me it’s always going to be a no.

with regards the birthday surprise, I’d have told DD outright well your aunty had spoilt it as that is what I’ve got you. Then I’d have taken her on my booking and left your brother and SIL to cancel their plans. I would not have cancelled my plans because it was a surprise. I’d have bigged up our plans together and made a huge deal of going as a family etc.

and also make clear to your dd you will be taking dd2 out as you’re not all going to be sitting at home whilst she’s off having fun with her aunt and uncle, but that’s the risk of going out with them she’ll possibly miss out on days out with you and her dad and sister.

They are treating your DD like a toy - picking her up when they want to do fun stuff with her (with absolutely no regard for you or DD2), and leaving you with the actual parenting. It isn’t “love”, as a PP described it, it is selfishness.

You definitely need to put your foot down. I would actually be less worried about them continuing to undermine you when she’s a teen, as I expect she will be less cute then and SIL will have got bored of playing Mummies.

Bloody hell Mbosnz that is inspired, I shall be nabbing that tip for myself. Thank you very much.

Good luck OP.

You need to be very plain and direct.
”it’s lovely that Dd gets to have good times with her aunt and uncle, but really, It is important that you always speak to us first. It’s causing issues when I have to say no, because we already have plans, it causes issues between her and her brother, and sometimes it spoils a surprise. She’s a child; you need to check with us before you speak to her, each and every time. Thank you”

I'm coming at this issue as the daughter/niece. My aunt and her partner behaved like your db and sil, they spent years overindulgencing me while almost ignoring my siblings, they'd no children of their own and really wanted all the fun easy bits of having a child, as I grew up it continued, right up to when I was getting married and my aunt insisted on paying for my wedding dress, as she aged she became very jealous of my relationship with my parents and really tried to come between us, she used everything she could to have me fall out with my parents, thankfully I eventually seen through her and went no contact but wasted years on her, don't let this happen to your dd, get in between them now before your dd hits her teens, please stand your ground for all your sakes.

I think the 4 of you (both couples) need to sit down to discuss. Express much appreciation first - it needs to be a shit sandwich, then what I would say is:

Asking me or DH first is a hard rule. Your ideas are lovely but we have to make sure things don’t disrupt our family life / upset little Dd / or double up on things we were planning as a family. DD1 is old enough to understand this, so we’ve also explained it to her.

We’d love it as a family if some of your time and generosity could be spread out to DD2. We understand at 6 what she can do is more restricted, but as parents we have to manage sibling jealously and she is starting to be a bit forlorn that she isn’t getting to spend time with you in the same way.

BUT -

OP while I think your SIL is being slightly selfish in treating your daughter like a fun mini-me, I think you do also need to check when you are being overprotective, perhaps for reasons of jealousy. I can absolutely see there are things you want to do as a nuclear family or as a mum, but I can’t for example understand why in principle DD couldn’t go on holiday with them - it could be a really good growing up experience for her.

In just a couple of years you will be much less able to police the relationship so you want to stay part of it than put yourself outside it. I think the PP who said in a few years she won’t be interested in any of you is wrong - teens often love aunt type figures who can provide experiences they can’t afford and a window into grown up life.

It can be hard to swallow when you are doing all the hard work and a fun aunt / godmother sweeps in showering treats in the manner of a Disney dad. But actually these engaged adults provide a lot of deeper value for kids, in a world where extended families are no longer the norm.

So, the holiday would require time of school which is where the hard no came from. They have never spent more than 24 hours with either child and a week holiday during term time certainly is not appropriate.

In all honesty even out of term time I wouldn't be comfortable with this arrangement, They very much pander to her And I have no doubt that the novelty would wear off quickly.

The long and short of it is I don't trust them to be responsible enough To look after her properly.

That said I think it's a bit of a red herring because they've never tried to discuss it with me only eldest daughter

I don't think this is coming from a place of jealousy at all, it's coming from a realisation that these people have zero respect for OP, her husband or their wishes.

Respectful, responsible people absolutely go through parents first and they do NOT exclude another child constantly.

Their needs being met is their sole focus.

The holiday is just more of it.

I disagree with thanking the profusely for their disrespect of your wishes.

I do agree that the expectation that this will fade as the teen years is not a given at all.

I would say that teens love being treated.

Two girls here, they love love love, lunches, brunches, mini spa days, shopping for clothes/make up, concerts....basically anything that you are prepared to spend money on them for.....they aren't fussy😁.

So I most certainly think this could carry on.

You also need to point out that the favouritism is damaging to both DC.

It's not healthy for the eldest to be so favoured even though in the here and now she loves it!