Asking after DC

[whatmother]

So after a lot of to and fro, I’ve decided to let my mother have DC this weekend. I’ve made a few threads about this so please feel free to read them for update on the situation.

My question is fairly straightforward.

AIBU to ask what her plans are with DC?

Because when I asked yesterday, my mother was like “why are you asking me this question, why do you need to know?”

I was genuinely taken aback and even somewhat offended by this response. Because as far as I’m concerned, surely, I have every right to know where my child is going and who she is going to be around.

Please bear in mind that this is someone who has always treated me like shit, bottom of the pile in comparison to my siblings, and just generally treats me like a nobody. Hence her response to my question.

Because I assure you, if this was my sister asking this question about her child, my mother would give her the most respectful, kind, detailed response, including exact coordinates 😑

So, AIBU to want to know where my child is being taken?

I don’t understand why you are handing your children over to someone you don’t trust for the weekend?

Why would you even consider leaving your child with someone who has treated you like shit?

Why are you letting someone you clearly don't like or trust have your child!?

I don't think she is unreasonable for getting her back up over you asking where she is taking them

It's a very odd question, one that's a clear indicator of lack of trust

I don’t recall your previous threads but you’re mad to let her have your daughter. If she treated you badly you have no reason to trust her with your child. Don’t do it! If you need childcare ask someone else. If you don’t then don’t let her near your kid. Just don’t!

I wouldn’t ask I don’t think but that’s because I trust my mum. Your post implies that you don’t trust yours so I don’t understand why you are letting her look after your dc.

Ditto with 2 pp, why have you allowed this?
It has everything to do with you what she has planned with your dc. She is a controlling cow bag that enjoys knowing she can make you uncomfortable.

I understand and appreciate and even somewhat agree with all of your responses so thank you for your input.

The thing is, they have a very different relationship as far as I’m aware, than the one myself and my mother have. That’s the reason that it’s not an issue for me for her to have her overnight.

@AnnaFri thank you for your input but I completely disagree. I ask her father where he’s taking her and to let me know when he arrives safely to his destination every time he has her. I have that right as her mother. Especially where he is her father. My question was more in regards to whether or not it’s reasonable to adapt this same approach with DGP. Or anyone who is caring for my child whilst I am not present. As for not liking her, yeah, sure, I don’t. But DC likes her and she likes DC so I feel like I shouldn’t deprive DC of contact with DGP, just because we don’t get along.

I don’t even know how to answer this question.

Fed up? Tired? Exhausted? No energy to fight? I don’t know. I just know that whilst I may not like this woman, she’s not my grandmother. She’s DC’s grandmother. I feel that it would be wrong of me to deprive her of contact with her DGP just because we don’t get along. That’s selfish. And unfair on DC.

You have the right to ask but they have the right to think you're a loon

Why do you ask the child's own father where he is taking her and to give you updates

Do you suffer from anxiety?

I was with you until your update. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with ‘what are you guys up to tomorrow then, does she need to pack anything special?’ So if that’s what you asked, your mum is weird.

however, if you’ve said ‘what are your plans? What time will you be there? Please text me to let me know you’ve arrived and let me know when you leave.’ Then it’s you who is a bit weird!

This

I can't imagine my mother answering me like your mother did, had I asked what her plans were. (But I also knew that if she decided to take the little one out, the little one would be safe.)

Your mother clearly has some issues. How worrying they are and how (un)safe your child/ren will be with her, I don't know enough about the situation to say.

You also have every right to decide where your child is allowed to be taken and when, and any idea that you don't is nonsense.

Yabu to offer up yuri precious dc to appease such a woman.
You also open yourself up to having solicitors involved and her taking you to court for proper court ordered access...

Reading a bit more, it seems OP that you might be exhibiting signs of being an overanxious mother and this is very common, I'm not having a go at you if this is the case, it often comes from an overwhelming sense of responsibility, too.

Sometimes this can happen though because either the other parent, or a grandparent, or a whole family of them, are blasé about safety, mealtimes, sunscreen, whatever, and/or dismissive of your rights to make decisions about your own child, and this can be very unsettling and hard to deal with. I don't know which it is from your thread OP. If it's the former it'd help for you to talk to a therapist about it. If the latter, that's a different issue (perhaps for the Relationships board), and if you are not sure, again a therapist might help you get perspective to see if it's one, the other, or a bit of both, and work out how to tackle the problems.

How? Grandparents have no legal rights to access to a child.

Anyway, OP, you absolutely can restrict your DC visiting someone who clearly does not respect you in any way. What happens in a few years time when your mother has bad-mouthed you in front of your DD and has dripped enough poison in her ear that DD thinks it's ok to treat you the same as your mum does?

Asking what she has planned while DD is with her is probably the least of the issues right now.

I ask DH or my sister or whoever has DD what they've been up while they are together. I don't expect texts on arrival, pre-determined plan timetables or anything like that. Because I trust the people who care for DD when I'm not with her.

@AnnaFri You have the right to ask but they have the right to think you're a loon

Once again, I disagree. That is my child that I carried for 9 months and nearly died during childbirth delivering. That is my child who I have a duty of care to protect. Should anything happen to that child, it will be my fault, whether I am present or not. She is just turned 3 years old. She’s not 12. So nope, definitely not a loon. But thanks once again for your input.

Yeah you might want to get support for this

Her father is equally responsible for her

Thank you. I rest my case entirely.

To everyone saying I’m being over-anxious, you’re probably right. Can’t dispute that. But I’d rather be over-anxious than not give a shit at all and counting down the hours to get rid of her.

Might I add, this is the same woman who drove onto a level crossing whilst the lights were very clearly red and barriers very clearly coming down.

So yeah, she’s not all the ticket, so to speak. I’m not talking mental health. I’m talking totally into herself, doesn’t give a shit about anyone else, judges people as she drives past them and laughs that they’re walking and she’s driving a nice car. I could go on forever. She’s an absolute twat. But unfortunately, she’s the twat that is my child’s grandmother.

Last but not least, to the pp that mentioned solicitors, what on God’s green Earth are you talking about?

Actually, he’s not. He sees her 4 days a month, which equates to just over a month per year. Nothing equal about that if you ask me.

But once again and for the final time, thank you kindly for your input.

OP, there is a space between over-anxious and not giving a shit. Over-anxious is stressful and restrictive. I appreciate why you are so anxious about her but dealing with that includes not handing her over to people you don't actually trust to care for her properly.

@TimeForTeaAndG Anyway, OP, you absolutely can restrict your DC visiting someone who clearly does not respect you in any way. What happens in a few years time when your mother has bad-mouthed you in front of your DD and has dripped enough poison in her ear that DD thinks it's ok to treat you the same as your mum does?

I didn’t even consider this. What an idiot I actually am. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

Yes, but then I’m the bad guy when all is said and done, aren’t I?

I’m the one that my daughter will hate once she’s old enough to understand. She’ll call me selfish and tell me that it’s not her fault that myself and her grandmother don’t get along and that I shouldn’t have kept her from her.

What do I do then?

Unsupervised access can see people apply to courts to apply for proper contact. Several mners have over the years been subject to handing dc over to batshit dgps.

Might I add, this is the same woman who drove onto a level crossing whilst the lights were very clearly red and barriers very clearly coming down.

Do not leave your child with her.