Asking after DC

[whatmother]

So after a lot of to and fro, I’ve decided to let my mother have DC this weekend. I’ve made a few threads about this so please feel free to read them for update on the situation.

My question is fairly straightforward.

AIBU to ask what her plans are with DC?

Because when I asked yesterday, my mother was like “why are you asking me this question, why do you need to know?”

I was genuinely taken aback and even somewhat offended by this response. Because as far as I’m concerned, surely, I have every right to know where my child is going and who she is going to be around.

Please bear in mind that this is someone who has always treated me like shit, bottom of the pile in comparison to my siblings, and just generally treats me like a nobody. Hence her response to my question.

Because I assure you, if this was my sister asking this question about her child, my mother would give her the most respectful, kind, detailed response, including exact coordinates 😑

So, AIBU to want to know where my child is being taken?

Ive been in your position with my mother and mil. I hated my child going with either of them, theyd refuse to tell me what they where doing with him, theyd always insist on alone time. I was trying to let it go over my head because i wanted my son to have a good relationship with them. Made me a anxious wreck. I had to put my foot down with them and started putting boundaries in place, they told me i had anxiety problems, i had therapy and went on meds, thinking i was the problem... years later i have finally realised it was them making me this way, as youve said your their mother and have a right to know rough plans, the pair of them where doing things they know i wouldnt be happy with, hense not telling me at the time.... i ended up finding out. Neither of them see my son without me or my partner their now, my anxiety is very low now and im able to leave him with other people no problem.
Its so hard, but trust your gut.
I was the same as you with low self asteem and always doubting myself. But youve got this! Your mother needs to respect you and if she doesnt then thats her fault that shel miss out on things with your child

I wouldn’t have to ask my mum. She’d have told me her plans. Must grandparents woykd. Or if not, when asked, they’d have freely given the information.

I am so sorry that you had to go through this, and not only witness this emotional abuse for yourself but that you actually became a victim to it:

There are signs, don’t get me wrong.

Whenever I pack her bag for her to go and stay with my mum, every single time I get a phonecall or message telling me I haven’t packed enough outfits and what is wrong with me.

This is after packing 6 different outfits for a period of 1 day and 1 night of staying over with her.

So you’re right when you say that this behaviour is only going to escalate.

Honestly, my only two concerns are my daughter’s safety whilst in her care, and my daughter growing up to hate me if I go NC.

I ask her father where he’s taking her and to let me know when he arrives safely to his destination every time he has her. I have that right as her mother.

No you don't.

However, I haven't voted, as clearly, from all the information you have added later, this isn't a situation most of us are in.
I mean, if my dc were being looked after by someone else for the day, then I would leave them to it (other than perhaps asking if they need me to send anything specific like wellies or a swimming costume and towel or something) but I wouldn't leave my dc with anyone I don't trust.

Putting your relationship with your mother aside, I feel that you are being reasonable to know where your dc are. We struggle with this with my husband's parents. They don't tell us what their plans are for when they take ds out. And the main reason that we would like to know is that ds has adhd so yes, we may want to give them certain advice (which they don't like). E.g. recently he's been really bad at rumning off in front of us and not stopping when you tell him to when we're out.
Also, it just reassures me. I like to know where he is. I don't need constant updates of anything.

Why are you leaving your child in the care of someone who can't be trusted with her safety

Ffs protect your child the way your mother should have protected you!

In this case, safety is certainly an issue.... in which case, I would categorically not let my DC out alone with this woman... regardless if she is family or not!! Another point: why would you want your DC hearing her diatribe?

OP, so long as you don't actively bad-mouth your mother, and just explain calmly IF it ever comes up when they are too old to distract from the question some reasonable-sounding trueish reason, your child will eventually work out who is like what in your family. It's better if they work things out themselves and it can take a really long time. If you can get their Dad to sing from the some songsheet on this, all the better. It's hard though but you need to play the long game* calmly and well.

(*Not saying it's a game, btw, turn of phrase).

With regard to her being too 'ditsy'/stupid/selfish or whatever it is to drive safely and have your trust generally,, I think this is the sort of grandparent who definitely needs to just be involved in visits and activities that you are at and very much in control of.

My mother was neglected and abused (verbally and physically) by her mother for her entire childhood. She would cry and her mum would say 'I'll give you something to cry about' and hit her. She would tell her all the time how much she was like her dad, who was useless, stupid, a philanderer etc etc. My mum was bright, but when she turned 14 my Nan told her she had to quit school and get a job. So she had no qualifications except a typing cert from night school. She also refused to attend my mum's wedding because she was marrying a catholic - this is a woman who is completely non religious. It was just spite.

As kids mum would take us over for a few hours, every few months. Always with her. Never alone with my Nan.

When I was a teenager mum and I went down to visit Nan for a few days and I saw first hand how she treated her, I was horrified. Mum just looked at me and said 'Now you know why I never let you guys be alone with her'.

My mum died in her fifties and my Nan is still alive. She didn't come to mums funeral. I don't visit her. My sister does, out of a sense of duty, but my duty to my lovely mum is stronger. And I know she would be telling me not to go!

It's not wrong to keep children away from abusive, dysfunctional people. We are NC with my husband's DM for very similar reasons. One day our children will understand and they will thank us.

I wasn't being clear, I meant that in the context of you making your decisions based on your child's safety and your mother's tendencies. May I also add that, depending on the age, health, and circumstances, as well as the preferences of the parent(s), not all children by a long way actually go on days out or overnight visits with their grandparent(s), even if they do have excellent relationships with none of the problems you describe. And even if they do later on, not necessarily at the age of 3, either. So your child isn't going to be an outlier if you decide to change the contact.

I do think it might be helpful to have a talk to someone professional about this just to help you tease apart what is reasonable about your mother, anything to do with the co-parenting that bothers you, and then any anxiety that isn't reasonable that you are also bringing to the table, to make your peace with the best decision on type and amount of contact with your mother versus anything else you might need to work on about yourself and your own parenting in the context of this very anxiety provoking situation. Then you can tell your child when they are really old enough why they had the level of contact with their grandmother that they did without worry or guilt.

OP a good Grandparent bends the rules a tiny bit but not to your Mothers extreme.

How dare she talk to you like that.

Any child will "love " an adult that gives them sweets,toys and let's them stay up late.

Stand up for you and your child....you owe your Mother nothing.

Work on your self esteem.... your child will not hate you if you cut contact with your Mother.

It sounds like your Mum's interest in your daughter is mainly motivated by her desire to piss you off. The fact that your daughter is saying things like Nanny let's me do this this you don't I don't like you etc suggests to me that your Mum is sowing seeds of division - pointing out to your daughter how much better than you she is. This is harmful to your daughter. You don't have to ban access but I would not allow access without you there.

Please bear in mind that this is someone who has always treated me like shit, bottom of the pile in comparison to my siblings, and just generally treats me like a nobody.

Why have you sent your children with this woman?

Your DD won't ask why you restricted access to her gM if she never has contact and neither do you and she isn't in her life.

She's more likely to ask questions if she has contact and you allow your mum to drop things into her ear.

It's easy to tell a child of 7/8 if and when they ask why they don't have a Nan (many ask this about dads that have vanished) that unfortunately she didn't have a nanny who could look after her or you don't get on that's why you don't see them.

Children accept the status quo from a very young age if they know no different.

YABU for letting her go. What are you thinking?!?!

Why would she call you selfish? When she's older you'll tell her how badly your mother treated you and explain that you needed to protect her from someone so nasty. Plus it wasn't possible to trust her with a child's safety eg the bad driving.
I agree with the PP who said that your mother will badmouth you to your daughter and tell her all sorts of lies. That's another reason not to allow her unsupervised contact.
Grandparents have no legal rights to any contact at all, but that daft idea pops up all the time on MN.

know I need to go NC but all she does is bang on about Nanny this Nanny that. Just now, she came up to me and said “Nanny is so nice to me, she takes me to the toy shop and she lets me go to bed whenever I want, you’re not nice, you send me to bed and make me tidy up when I don’t want to. Nanny doesn’t do that”.
And honestly? It sounds extreme but it broke me inside. She adores this woman.

So your Mother is already pushing your child's buttons to hurt you even more. Sorry DD but Nanny is unwell and unable to take care of you, she is not well and says things to hurt people and because I care about you so much I cant let her do that to you. She is using your child to punish you and how long before she turns on your child and starts hurting her like she does you?

Say no, go out each day over the weekend and dont be home, if your Mother pops by tell her you dont want to see her any more until she learns how to treat you and your child by not trying to cause problems between you

Yabu to let her look after your dc.

No, she doesn't. She is pandered to and manipulated by her. The fact that she says things like that are probably because your mother is already dripping poison about you in her ear. She will turn her against you eventually.
My son was six when we went NC and we had lived with her from when he was between two and five. At the time of NC we saw her at least once a week and lived round the corner. He seemed very attached to her, but tbh didn't seem to miss her at all once NC started. I also think having her out of my life made me so much calmer and less anxious generally that I was able to be a much happier and better parent. He was noticeably a much easier child to parent almost immediately and I think that was because he'd been unconsciously playing us off against each other because it hot him lots of attention.

Please have a look at the Stately Homes threads in relationships even if you don't post.

She's three, if you decide to go no or very low contact she will not hate you. My daughter was three at the time of NC and doesn't remember my mother at all and barely noticed not seeing her, from having seen once a week.

If she is too toxic for you then she is, or will become, too toxic for your child. By the time you realise it's happening it may be too late.

No relationship with a grandmother is better than a damaging one.

My mother also clearly thought I was a crap mother and undermined me. I totally understand your feelings of upset and not knowing what to do. I get it.

Completely agree.

Don't see why she wouldn't just tell you her plans. Why be secretive or just say I'm not sure yet!