Asking after DC

[whatmother]

So after a lot of to and fro, I’ve decided to let my mother have DC this weekend. I’ve made a few threads about this so please feel free to read them for update on the situation.

My question is fairly straightforward.

AIBU to ask what her plans are with DC?

Because when I asked yesterday, my mother was like “why are you asking me this question, why do you need to know?”

I was genuinely taken aback and even somewhat offended by this response. Because as far as I’m concerned, surely, I have every right to know where my child is going and who she is going to be around.

Please bear in mind that this is someone who has always treated me like shit, bottom of the pile in comparison to my siblings, and just generally treats me like a nobody. Hence her response to my question.

Because I assure you, if this was my sister asking this question about her child, my mother would give her the most respectful, kind, detailed response, including exact coordinates 😑

So, AIBU to want to know where my child is being taken?

Since when can grandparents apply to courts for access to grandchildren? This is news to me.

Tbh OP I think you're way over-thinking that scenario.

You explain to her why her grandparent wasn't able to be responsible for her. If you want them to have a relationship then do supervised visits with you present.

I voted yabu, but not to ask the question, but to allow your mum to have her at all.
Why on earth would you give the thing that is most precious to you, to the person who is the cruellest to you. Your mum is not a good person, so the relationship with your daughter will not be a healthy one.

I think it all depends on context. So, if one said to their mum lightly in conversation, hey what are you going to be up to on Friday with DC? She might reply, well I thought I'd take them into town in the morning on the bus and we could to go the museum then home for a bit of a chill and I might do some baking, what time will you be home for me to drop them back?

That would be reasonable, but context is key. We don't know how you asked, or what drove your mums reply.

There's clearly a lot of back story between both of you, and leaving your DC with her is hard for you because you don't trust her. You don't have any requirement to leave her with her GM, there are no grandparental rights, and she cannot force you to do so. Your DC won't know any different if they don't have a paticularly close relationship with your mother, and only see her in your presence, it will just be normal for them. If it's causing you this amount of anxiety that's not going to be good for your DC either.

Something deep down in my heart is telling me that.

But then there’s that little voice in my head that says “but what if you’re doing DC a disservice by not allowing her to see her grandmother”?

I can’t decide which option is the right option basically. I feel like I’m doing wrong by DC either way. The indecision and inability to make a decision, and make the right decision, is really stressing me out.

If in doubt, don't.

I wouldn't hand my child over to anyone who refused to at least give me a rough idea of their plans.

I also wouldn't hand my child over to anyone I didn't trust.

@GreenManalishi That would be reasonable, but context is key. We don't know how you asked, or what drove your mums reply.

DC’s dad asked me if I even know what their plans are. I replied “well, no, I didn’t think there was any reason to ask”. Then he reminded me about the incident with the level crossing and just how ditsy my mother is full stop.

It was then I decided he was absolutely right and that I needed to ask her what her plans were.

In terms of context, it was literally hi mum, how are you, hope all is well, literally forgot to ask what your plans were with DC over the bank holiday?

I wasn’t rude. No rude tone or inflection in my voice. I asked her the question like I would ask her father or ask anyone whose care she was going into.

And then the response I got was “why do you need to know?”

She’s just rude and a disgusting person to be honest. Deep down I’ve always known this but I’m just really worried that my child will grow to hate me if I keep her from her grandmother. Really worried. It’s something I think about regularly.

@Lindy2 I wouldn't hand my child over to anyone who refused to at least give me a rough idea of their plans.

Exactly. That is literally all I was asking. For a rough idea. I wasn’t asking for a written detailed breakdown for crying out loud.

I’m going to mull this over and if I still feel the same by Saturday night then I won’t be sending her.

Thanks again all for your input

You sound abnormally anxious. However, given you don't trust your mother, it's understandable that you're on edge.

I don't think you should let your DD go with your mother. It doesn't matter that they seem to get on. Your mother will make all kinds of passing comments that will make you seem like shit, and that will become normal for your DD. Honestly, the nicest of children can be so rude and disrespectful to the nicest of parents without any reason (puberty hormones have a lot to answer for!). You don't want to go into that phase of her life with your DD having already spent many years being conditioned by her grandmother that her mother is awful.

If you and your mother build a better relationship, it makes sense to let her spend more time with your daughter. But not before.

PS, to an extent, as long as you're not causing your DD harm, you're entitled to be as batshit crazy as you like and have people follow your wishes. You're the mum. If your mother can't get on board with the fact that she's already had a go raising her own children and you make decisions about how to look after yours, she's not someone who should be trusted unsupervised.

As a Mum, you’re doing the best by protecting your child from someone you know to be unkind and untrustworthy. They are not going to hate you for that.

You don't have to do this. You shouldn't do this. If she is too toxic for you she is too toxic for your child. She will use your child to get back at you, manipulating her against you.
I went NC with my mother when my children were six and three. She wouldn't have put them in physical danger but she was highly manipulative and an emotional terrorist (as well as favouring one over the other) and they are better without that in their life. They're 14 and 11 now and the subject never even comes up.
When they were little I told them she was a very difficult person who had treated me really badly and didn't want to say sorry and that you don't have to put up with someone who hurts you even if they claim to love you.

She will one hundred percent do something with your daughter that she knows you don’t want her to. This may or may not be actually dangerous.

no way I would be sending her to stay

I really recommend you post on the Stately Homes threads in relationships, you seem trapped in the fog (fear obligation and guilt) and very anxious about doing the right thing. I understand, I've been there.

She’s just rude and a disgusting person to be honest. We shouldn't be placing our children in the care of people we believe to be rude and disgusting, no matter what the relation to the child, if we have any choice at all in the matter, which you do.

I’m just really worried that my child will grow to hate me if I keep her from her
I think that this has less to do with the actual relationship or potential lack of one between your DC and her GM, and more to do with the fact that you hate your mother and are worried that your DC will grow up to feel the same way about you.

Really worried. It’s something I think about regularly.
See if you can engage in some therapy, to help you sort this out.* *You're not your mum. Your DC isn't you.

The end of your post made me cry.

I’m doing the wrong thing by letting her go, aren’t I?

Something inside is telling me that I will live to regret this if I do let her go.

I know I need to go NC but all she does is bang on about Nanny this Nanny that. Just now, she came up to me and said “Nanny is so nice to me, she takes me to the toy shop and she lets me go to bed whenever I want, you’re not nice, you send me to bed and make me tidy up when I don’t want to. Nanny doesn’t do that”.

And honestly? It sounds extreme but it broke me inside. She adores this woman.

I think this is actually what I’m trying to get at here. I don’t think for one second (aside from the incident at the level crossing), that my mother would deliberately place my child in any physical danger on purpose. I’m 100% sure of that.

It’s the emotional aspect. Allowing her to do things that she knows I would not approve of. Feeding her foods that she knows I don’t approve of. Taking her on long car journeys (this is since the level crossing incident) without telling me.

“Oh it was just a last minute spontaneous decision, I didn’t think I had to let you know”.

Then that makes me look crazy for wanting to know if my child is okay and who she is with and/or going to be around.

Hi OP. What makes you think your daughter will say those things? If she never has contact, then she will get used to it and not miss it. In any event someone who treats her mother that May is not good for her, even if it seems ok now.

Just tell your mum in light of the fact that you don’t have a relationship and so can’t trust her with DD you- her mother- feel it’s best they don’t see each other anymore. Then block her.

Take care OP, it really sounds like you don’t trust your own judgement and have low self esteem, so remember to be kind to yourself.

Please read through the thread again and you will see that I asked her the way you worded your first example.

@Keepingthingsinteresting Take care OP, it really sounds like you don’t trust your own judgement and have low self esteem, so remember to be kind to yourself.

You’re absolutely right about this. I don’t trust my own judgement and have pretty much zero self-esteem. Thank you

Not surprisingly if you’ve been brought up by the kind of person your mother is- this will creep into DD- trust yourself and cut it off now as she is never going to respect you as a mother. But remember that’s on her, not you.

Re what your DD said, she’s a child, of course she likes the person who buys her toys and lets her have whatever she wants- she will understand eventually.

Just a perspective you may or may not find interesting/helpful OP - I was your daughter.

My Mum and Nan didn't get along, Nan was an awful mother to my Mum, neglectful in the way that she put herself before Mum's needs, looks at the past with rose tinted glasses, was very manipulative and emotionally abusive. However she wasn't so bad that Mum went no-contact, and they stayed in touch. Mum moved out when she was 16 and kept Nan at arms length.

Mum did, however, let me have a relationship with my Nan for the very same reasons you want your child you have a relationship with their DGP. For the first 10 or so years of my life, she was the most kind, caring, doting grandmother I could have ever hoped for. She was still manipulative towards Mum but I never noticed because I was young. When I started to get older, I was able to identify this behaviour myself.

When I got to the age of 13 - 14, that behaviour was ever so slowly aimed towards me to. Little digs here and there, comparing me to her friend's grandchildren, never agreeing with how I dressed or looked, lots of insults masked as compliments, mainly passive aggressiveness.

Tensions grew as I stuck up for myself, as mum had always instilled very strong boundaries in me from a young age towards anyone who was rude or unpleasant. I would say "Please don't say that" or "let's leave this topic now" to my nan to stop her picking on me but she would keep pushing and pushing. She wanted to mould me into the idea of a granddaughter that she had, even though I didn't fit the bill.

I am 23 now and I rarely speak to my Nan now. The older I got, the more I recognised her behaviours towards myself and my mum as emotionally abusive. These got worse towards me the older I got.

Do I wish my mum never let me see my Nan? No. I have lovely childhood memories of having loving grandparents. My mum also supported me in my decisions to take a step back when Nan's behaviour started to upset me - this was no way influenced by my Mum. She'd never told me her negative experience or opinions of Nan until I was 20 and asked if Nan had "always been this way?".

@whatmother in that case it’s not you! I would probably respond with something like ‘if you can’t be civil to such a simple question, and you’re not happy to tell me what you have planned with dd, I think it’s best you don’t have her on your own at the moment. Me and dd are going to go to the farm/beach/park instead, you’re welcome to join us if you can speak to me nicely in front of my daughter. Dd would like to see you, but I won’t have her witnessing someone else be rude to her mum’.

Word for word this.

I cannot fathom why you would allow her near your child, much less for several days.

Extraordinary poor judgment and absolutely not in your childs best interests.

Stuff that. I'd be taken my child back. Tbh surprised you let them go there in the first place.