MIL Anniversary upset - have we done wrong?

[CharChar91]

For context, approx 2 years ago my MIL cheated on her husband of 38 years with an old flame from Malta on a 2 week lone 'holiday'. The next January she announced she was going to move there with him. Broke FIL's heart, obviously. Large house was sold (their retirement fund) and she took well over half the money. She went, she's been flitting back and forth between her two lives since.
Family is ruptured, there are a lot of big feelings and arguements. FIL has done amazingly well but being in love with her and the laid back man he is he allows her to stay with him when she's 'home' (he even gives up his bed for her and sleeps in the spare, single bed). He bought a 'doer-upper' cash with his money and has gone back to work to top up his state pension to live and fund renovations.
Divorce proceedings were started, neither have signed the final paperwork yet but it's not openly discussed.
Shock, the grass wasn't greener. MIL has broken up with new man (following his prostate cancer and subsequent undiagnosed depression) and returned. She's staying with FIL.
They came round for lunch on Saturday, awkward but we just leave the subject as the elephant in the room to avoid conflict. We all had a nice time. It happened to be their wedding anniversary but for obvious reasons we didn't say anything, despite MIL making a point of the dste.
My partner went round yesterday to see MIL. She was upset that we didn't mention or celebrate??/mark the occasion. Partner laughed out loud in disbelief. She was cross and it's another way her children don't appreciate her/respect her etc etc.

He came home and spoke to me last night and we can't see that we were in the wrong? If we had mentioned it on the day would that now have been an awkward and disrespectful thing to say?
So fed up of the whole situation and subsequent drama for 2 years, it's so draining.
Have we been unreasonable for not acknowledging their anniversary?

Of course you were right not to mention it. Sounds like she's gone a bit round the bend over the last couple of years and is protesting too much.

She’s crackers.

I think that your partner should have been honest with her. Unless FIL is there, then you shouldn't be tiptoeing around her.

Of course you've not done wrong.
If your MIL valued her marriage so much she'd not have buggered off with another man, broken your FILs heart and upset her family.
If her DC don't respect her it's because she's not worthy of respect. Frankly, contempt is more appropriate for her, she sounds awful.

Absolutely not being unreasonable not to mention it and your MIL needs to be spoken to about her behaviour. Ridiculous on her part. Sounds like she could be a classic narcissist, does she have form for attention seeking/me me me behaviour?

Of course you are not unreasonable for not mentioning it ... it would have been totally inappropriate and awkward. If anything, your MIL could have raised it in a sort of 'I know the last couple of years have been difficult but FIL and I want to make a go of our marriage and let's drink to our xxth wedding anniversary which is a actually today'. If she is not getting back together with FIL then why mention the date?

Your MIL sounds a bit of a drama Queen.

Personally I believe wedding anniversaries are only something that matter to the married couple. Theres no need fir anyone to acknowledge or celebrate.

I mean wow your married . What's that got to do with me...

She sounds like a massive attention seeker amd you were right not to feed that.

She sounds mad.

Its quite common though. I know three couples celebrating big anniversaries this year who have all had breaks at various points.

One is having a party for their 20th and the three years of constant arguing because he fucked off with another woman and emptied the bank accounts leaving her and the kids with literally no money has been conveniently erased from their memories…

YANBU, that was a minefield. Guaranteed if you had mentioned it or celebrated it she would have kicked off anyway. And it’s just not appropriate to play happy married couple anniversary celebration when clearly they are not doing well as a couple. I think the focus should be on FIL though and what he wants. Does he want her back? If he doesn’t he may need help with boundaries as it is obvious she is trying to get him to take her back. If he does want her back and forgives her affair with OM in Malta, he will also need help and support with MIL as I’m afraid she will hurt him again.

YANBU at all

You were in a tricky situation and as always it's best to say nothing than risk the wrong thing!!

She needs to accept the consequences to her actions, and it looks like she is struggling with that atm

100% this.

This woman has no shame. She wants to pretend the last 2 years haven't happened and is trying to gaslight you all into going along with it. Ignore her tantrums. I'm glad your partner laughed in her face, only appropriate response in the situation.

I'd be telling her you didnt mention it as they'd initiated divorce proceedings so any "anniversary" celebration would be hurtful to FIL. MIL is obviously embarassed that her affair didnt work out and trying to pretend it never happened. There's no fool like an old fool.

She sounds terrifying!

I have to say now that I am older, I would be inclined to be extremely blunt.

“you didn’t celebrate my wedding anniversary”

”yes because you exited the marriage and only returned because your fancy man was ill”

She probably wants to come back and pretend it never happened.

Your poor FIL.

They're not even together.

She has absolutely no shame. I think all your partner could have done more was to spell out clearly how hurtful her behaviour has been and that even if she wants to pretend that recent events haven’t happened, you aren’t going to.

YANBU She sounds like an incredibly self centered person.

It’s all about her isn’t it! Cheeky woman and she’s treating your FIL like shit. Plus new blokes I’ll and she’s left him too!

What an awful woman.

Of course you weren't wrong.

I wouldn't be entertaining anyone so selfish.

She has a bloody cheek mentioning it!

I'd have laughed too- it's hard not too. Your MIL genuinely sounds delusional.

She’s got a 100 carat brass neck, I’ll say that for her!

I’d just say, ‘TBH, MIL, given your recent history, we didn’t think it remotely appropriate to mention it.’

Though I’d be tempted to replace ‘history’ with ‘shenanigans’ and even that’s polite in the circumstances,

Sounds like MIL is a drama llama and has been having a 'mid-life' crisis for a few years.

You were completely right not to mention it. She can't go around thinking that her actions don't have consequences.

Sounds like FIL might let her back. Just be there for him and be candid to her about how her actions have affected the family dynamic. She can't just pretend that the last 2 years hasn't happened and waltz in and play happy families

I have no idea what the anniversary of my parents or ILs are. And wouldn’t celebrate it.

She is trying to overcompensate and expecting everyone to do the same. Affairs do weird things to people. My SIL left her husband for another man and became pregnant in 2 weeks. Her husband had 2 kids with her and so when she was 5 months pregnant, spent Christmas with them all (minus the new BF). Her husband was utterly heartbroken. She had a go at us because we addressed our Xmas card to ‘SIL, niece and nephew’ and got a separate one for her DH. She hit the roof completely. I thought are you ducking deluded you’re a frying another man’s baby and have just bought a house with him!

Thank you all for validating our feelings. It's been playing on my mind all night. I feel like we can't 'win' whatever we do/don't say/do. Not that there will ever be any winners in this situation!