MIL Anniversary upset - have we done wrong?

[CharChar91]

For context, approx 2 years ago my MIL cheated on her husband of 38 years with an old flame from Malta on a 2 week lone 'holiday'. The next January she announced she was going to move there with him. Broke FIL's heart, obviously. Large house was sold (their retirement fund) and she took well over half the money. She went, she's been flitting back and forth between her two lives since.
Family is ruptured, there are a lot of big feelings and arguements. FIL has done amazingly well but being in love with her and the laid back man he is he allows her to stay with him when she's 'home' (he even gives up his bed for her and sleeps in the spare, single bed). He bought a 'doer-upper' cash with his money and has gone back to work to top up his state pension to live and fund renovations.
Divorce proceedings were started, neither have signed the final paperwork yet but it's not openly discussed.
Shock, the grass wasn't greener. MIL has broken up with new man (following his prostate cancer and subsequent undiagnosed depression) and returned. She's staying with FIL.
They came round for lunch on Saturday, awkward but we just leave the subject as the elephant in the room to avoid conflict. We all had a nice time. It happened to be their wedding anniversary but for obvious reasons we didn't say anything, despite MIL making a point of the dste.
My partner went round yesterday to see MIL. She was upset that we didn't mention or celebrate??/mark the occasion. Partner laughed out loud in disbelief. She was cross and it's another way her children don't appreciate her/respect her etc etc.

He came home and spoke to me last night and we can't see that we were in the wrong? If we had mentioned it on the day would that now have been an awkward and disrespectful thing to say?
So fed up of the whole situation and subsequent drama for 2 years, it's so draining.
Have we been unreasonable for not acknowledging their anniversary?

I knew a couple who had been married for 33 years when he cheated on her and left. She moved back to her home town hundreds of miles away. When I next saw her she asked if it was okay to still celebrate their wedding anniversary as 35 years is a big milestone and she wants to mark it!

She has quite severe special needs though. Your MIL must be delusional if she’s thinking along the same lines. Ignore her “upset”, you did nothing wrong

She’s ridiculous (and I’d be telling her so).

Based on her logic, I might ring up my ex and ask why he didn’t get me a card and gift for our anniversary last month. You know, if we’re still celebrating relationships where the couple are no longer together….. 🤷‍♀️

Bless your FIL. Sounds like he’s been through the wringer and is still being trampled on by her. You’re 100% in the right here to ignore it.

You are not being unreasonable, at all

Tbh that's almost as weird

That you don't know when your own parents wedding anniversary is

DH needs to take his dad for a pint and tell him to sign the papers and bin the mad cow off. It sounds like he’s done brilliantly despite her revolting behaviour and she’ll ruin his life if he lets her.

She’s bang out of order and laughing was entirely appropriate. I wouldn’t have her in my house. Keep FIL close and supported to ditch her once and for all.

I agree! I still think it's weird that ILs (aka MIL) get us and BIL & SIL anniversary cards. We didn't even send them to each other this year but she sent one 😂

YANBU what an awkward situation, can’t believe she had the nerve to be upset, very strange.

Your poor fil. Mil sounds horrible.

Shes so obvious. Her affair crashed and burned and now she just wants to go back to the safe comfortable old life where everyne adored and respected her, and you're all supposed to work with her to build up the fiction of perfect mum again who is the centre of the family and family life, completely disregarding the part she played in blowing it all to hell, humiliating and hurting her husband, making a fool of herself and destroying the financial security it took a lifetime to build. Unfortunately for her you are not idiots and didnt play along so she can rugsweep.

Of all the CFs she really does take the cake. YABU for not recognising her services for CFuckery! Is she actually for real? Ghast well and truly flabbered. I'm only assuming the 1% that said YABU did it by mistake

You absolutely did the right thing. It's called tact, you have it and she doesn't. In those circumstances, it was absolutely correct to say nothing unless they themselves brought it up.

You are not telepaths. You had no idea how she would have taken a reference to it, or how your FIL would and why risk spoiling a delicate get-together?
If they had you would probably have offered polite congratulations.

What a drama she is creating. It is a sad situation for your FIL tho.

I think her comments to you illustrate that you should be very confident in your own judgement, which seems sound, when you are dealing with her and avoid being drawn into future issues that you don't agree with.

She sounds a bit of a narcissist (me, me, me, all about me). Just support FIL and ignore her shit.

it sounds to me a little like she doesn't really realise the consequences of her decision properly.

even if FIL also wants things to get back to how they were, MIL still needs to have it made clear that what she did caused a huge impact in all your lives (particularly FIL), and that she's going to have to work extremely hard to prove herself to you all again.

if she's genuinely embarrassed and remorseful (which she might be, despite this behaviour), she'll know what to she has to do.

if she's not, making it clear how you all feel is still the right thing to do.

Crikey, your MIL sounds like an arse. She also sounds spectacularly dim and delusional.

Of course you weren't being unreasonable not to mention the anniversary. I think your partner handled it perfectly, laughing at her.

I'd be tempted to tell her that her shitty behaviour has earned her contempt rather than respect, and I'd possibly also tell her that it was tough if she didn't like hearing the truth.

She is being totally unreasonable. Her behaviour has been dreadful. Poor FIL. I would give it to her straight. Why should you respect her terrible and disrespectful behaviour?

How awful for you and the rest of the family.
I hope you are able to avoid or distance yourself from her.

This OP.

Also just out of curiosity - how come she got well over half the money? Did she put in more assets over time? I thought the general rule was 50/50.

'no Mum we dont respect you, you use men and ditch them when you think you have a better offer, and you dont care what the fallout is for your children in the midst of it all. Stop looking for respect when you have demonstrated that you have none for any of us' 😏
Your FIL isnt going to sign the divorce papers is he

Nah she is a nasty, vile piece of scum for doing that and deserves nothing. In fact she should be grateful that her children even have anything to do with her. Great that your dp laughed in her face. Unbelievable how people who do things like this think the world still revolves around them.

You and DP are completely in the right. And you can show Shirley Valentine this thread if she doesn't believe you.

Your poor FIL - it would be lovely for him to meet someone who really cares for him and can brighten his life.

Has DP ever questioned his mum's behaviour with her? Is she getting away with being selfish because everyone's too polite to say anything or has your FIL asked people to leave it? I'd be worried she will put off the divorce, casually move back with FIL, then do the whole thing again in a year from now with someone else.

Yep, you can't win here. Whatever you did or didn't do would be wrong.

It's classic "nothing to see here, la, la, la". It's verging on gaslighting, possibly.

Honestly I’d be telling her straight, no more elephant in the room. It needs to be mentioned to enable you all to move forward.

Mum/MIL we know you’re back, what you did was unforgivable, dad/FIL may accept it be we won’t. We respect dads decision to have you back in his life, but we can’t return to how things used to be. You do you, we’ll do us. 🤷‍♀️

Laughing like your husband did is the only appropriate response really

Has your MIL always been a batshit gaslighting narcissist?