MIL Anniversary upset - have we done wrong?

[CharChar91]

For context, approx 2 years ago my MIL cheated on her husband of 38 years with an old flame from Malta on a 2 week lone 'holiday'. The next January she announced she was going to move there with him. Broke FIL's heart, obviously. Large house was sold (their retirement fund) and she took well over half the money. She went, she's been flitting back and forth between her two lives since.
Family is ruptured, there are a lot of big feelings and arguements. FIL has done amazingly well but being in love with her and the laid back man he is he allows her to stay with him when she's 'home' (he even gives up his bed for her and sleeps in the spare, single bed). He bought a 'doer-upper' cash with his money and has gone back to work to top up his state pension to live and fund renovations.
Divorce proceedings were started, neither have signed the final paperwork yet but it's not openly discussed.
Shock, the grass wasn't greener. MIL has broken up with new man (following his prostate cancer and subsequent undiagnosed depression) and returned. She's staying with FIL.
They came round for lunch on Saturday, awkward but we just leave the subject as the elephant in the room to avoid conflict. We all had a nice time. It happened to be their wedding anniversary but for obvious reasons we didn't say anything, despite MIL making a point of the dste.
My partner went round yesterday to see MIL. She was upset that we didn't mention or celebrate??/mark the occasion. Partner laughed out loud in disbelief. She was cross and it's another way her children don't appreciate her/respect her etc etc.

He came home and spoke to me last night and we can't see that we were in the wrong? If we had mentioned it on the day would that now have been an awkward and disrespectful thing to say?
So fed up of the whole situation and subsequent drama for 2 years, it's so draining.
Have we been unreasonable for not acknowledging their anniversary?

I don't even know when my own wedding anniversary is. Not everyone is obsessed by marking their bloody wedding!

Your partner was spot-on. That would have been my reaction too. To have mentioned it at the time would have been crass and insensitive. Probably also deeply distressing to an already wounded FIL. I feel so sorry for him, and for you and your partner. Just awful.

If it wasn't for FIL, I would suggest going no (or very low) contact with MIL. There is likely to be plenty more hassle of the bat-guano sort to come. Look out for further affairs, online dating (both discreet and al-fresco varieties) and detailed descriptions of things she's "treated herself to" from Ann Summers and Lovehoney. Trust me, there is no scouring pad on Earth strident enough to scrub those mental images from your mind... I'm sorry.

All you can really do is quietly support and be there for FIL and not engage with MIL's nonsense. But you have most certainly not done wrong.

Best wishes to you.

To be honest I couldn't have anything to do with her personally

Why would you give two hoots what this woman thinks? Focus onsupporting your FIL

Anniversaries are to celebrate a marriage and therefore marriage vows. She broke her marriage vows.
And you earn respect, by decent behaviour, cheating is not decent behaviour. Trust and respect are privileges that she will have to work very hard to win back if she is to integrate into the family again.
IMO if you bugger off, cheat on your husband, fuck up your family and cause huge amount of hurt, financial hardship and general mayhem, then if you decide to come back you come back with your tail beteen your legs asking for forgiveness, not demanding anniversary celebrations and respect.
She needs a big dose of self awareness - what an embarrassing fool she is.

The MIL is crackers and the FIL is a mug. YANBU .

She could be completely delusional in convincing herself she's done nothing wrong and/or trying a process of enforcing the reality she wants - if she convinces you about her anniversary and marriage then she can convince her husband they are still married and he should halt the divorce. Steve Jobs' reality distortion field though this can be breached by laughter and incredulity hence she can escalate with anger. Continue encouraging your FIL to divorce and on better terms and ask him if he'd had the prostate cancer whether he'd have been dumped or worse, divorce delayed so she'd have the whole of his estate? Have not read the thread but presumably she's always been self-centred?

I agree. She's obviously trying to be the centre of family life again and celebrating the anniversary would be a proof that you all felt the same . It wouldn't occur to her that you might see your father as her victim and celebrating the anniversary as hopelessly distasteful . Someone should put her straight

If you want to have fun, OP, help FIL schedule a party to celebrate his divorce being finalised.

She sounds as if she's in denial about her terrible behaviour and all of the hurt she's caused.
She needs to wake up and face reality.⁶

Absolutely YANU. She sounds like DH’s first wife, moved out with one of the men she was shagging and turned nasty when DH met someone (me).

I think your FIL should continue with the divorce.

Yep, she's spent all her money and is back for FIL's share ..

I think it's really important that other members of the family should remember our wedding anniversary.

We rely on their whatsapp congratulations messages to remember to congratulate each other.

This year the messages arrived overnight (time zone differences) so dh and I had to casually say 'happy wedding anniversary' to each other the following day...

The best answer for this type of person is rather than defend yourself or refer to the content of the discussion say:

"It sounds like you think I have done something wrong."

and see what happens.

That tends to disarm them, because they see themselves as lovely kind caring sensitive people. They cannot see the emotional manipulating that they are doing.

Getting angry with them only adds fuel to their 'victim' drama where they think of themselves as the recipient of other people's poor behaviour.

That gentle accusation can work well because you are letting them know how how they are coming across. And they aren't aware of how they are coming across because they are steeped in the drama of their own hurt feelings.

Is your husband scared of his mum? In his place I'd have replied "there's a fucking good reason I didn't mention the anniversary..."

She sounds awful. Your father in law sounds extremely tolerant. I would encourage him to crack on with the divorce and concentrate on his own happiness and well-being.

Your partner also needs to ensure that his father's finances are water tight in case she decides to make off again, especially if they are still married. Hopefully the money he rescued from family home is safe and the doer-upper is in his name alone, maybe encourage him to complete the divorce as she is clearly just using him as a money-pot.

She can't just pretend that the last 2 years hasn't happened and waltz in and play happy families

But women like her do exactly that, they seem to think that because she's changed her mind the whole family must worship her. My SIL left her husband twice because he worked too hard and was too interested in material stuff, she did her flit with most of the 'stuff' though! Eventually, after two splits and a divorce they got back together and at a family funeral she acted like Bobby Ewing, the last few years hadn't happened at all!

She was upset that we didn't mention or celebrate??/mark the occasion. Partner laughed out loud in disbelief.
Well done that DP!

She was cross and it's another way her children don't appreciate her/respect her etc etc.
Ha ha MiL, good one! We appreciate & respect you just as much as you appreciate & respect our dad.

He came home and spoke to me last night and we can't see that we were in the wrong? If we had mentioned it on the day would that now have been an awkward and disrespectful thing to say?
Of course you're not in the wrong. MiL is a selfish brat who wanted you to paper over the cracks so she can feel better about herself. Who knows how FiL might have felt if you've done so? Awkward & disrespected, * would hazard. Like everyone's totally comfortable with MiL taking him for a ride.

So fed up of the whole situation and subsequent drama for 2 years, it's so draining.
If the silly bitch raises it again - do a DP & laugh full in her face. Long, & loud.

What's done is done, & it's your in-laws marriage & their choice of whether to now be together again. But she can't expect people to pretend it didn't happen, that FiL isn't wounded, or that he has had to abandon his retirement due to her.

Yes - it's obvious that she's using him for convenient & free accommodation.
Poor FiL.

She's a spoilt cow. FIL should tell her to GTF instead of pandering to her. He needs to get the divorce finalised pronto.

I would in no uncertain terms tell her to her face she's a selfish woman who has took the piss and it needs to stop. She'd get a sulk on but so what.

Apologies I pressed you are being unreasonable by mistake. You are definitely NOT being unreasonable. MIL sounds rather spoilt and entitled

Tell her she is back to square one.
Previous years don’t count — they need to renew their vows to start the clock ticking again.

Oh my gosh, definitely not.. How could you in any capacity have wished them a happy anniversary? And have it not come across as a dig or sarcasm or making fun of the past. You were totally right to not bring it up, I'd be going right back to her and asking her is she having a laugh, does she really think a happy anniversary is warranted given what's happened and if she doesn't feel respected maybe there's a reason for that? Respect has to be earned.

Exactly this. I wouldn't mention my in laws anniversary - I don't even know the date of it. Same with my parents.

Anniversaries only matter to the couple.