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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

low level lesphobia

82 replies

Northerngay · 26/08/2022 01:47

Not even sure lesphobia is a word 😂 but anyway.
I’m a lesbian, a ‘femme’ so to speak. I’m very secure in this after a few years of figuring it out.
I work in the NHS with a close team, great and supportive no issues there but I have one male, gay (not sure of relevance but adds context) friend. I suspect him to have ASD (I myself am ND).

Anyway, he is a very nice person but I’ve noticed a low level of lesphobia. ‘I need to find you a man’ ‘a man to tame your views’ (I’m very left wing and a feminist) ‘trying to impress the men’ ‘trying to attract a boyfriend’. ‘too pretty to be a lesbian’ ‘too skinny to be a lesbian’

I do not tolerate it, I bite back with girlfriend women not everything is about men why are men so offended by women being attracted to women *why is everything about validation.

When I bite back hard he is very sensitive and apologises for a week. Again I kind of cba with this. I don’t mind banter but he literally doesn’t seem to have anything else. I now just do girlfriend women *woman when he says BF/man and move on.

but yeah, any advice. I have to work closely with this person and in many ways he is a great friend.

OP posts:
MangyInseam · 26/08/2022 10:43

YouAreNotBatman · 26/08/2022 09:55

I don't understand why people say you shouldn't talk about your sexual preferences with him - how do they expect you speak about your partner without using pronouns /names/ etc. That to me is quite a homophobic comment to make particularly when it's deemed appropriate for heterosexuals to discuss these kind of things.

This is something I’ve struggled with.
I’ve been told that no one needs to know/ wants to hear about my asexuality, but at the same time I have to hear all about their dates/ relationships / sex/ kids…. etc…. all the time.

Why are some people aloud to be open about their lives and some are not?

There is a difference between making factual statements about things in your daily life, and making comments about your sexual preferences.

So mentioning that you say the new Marvel film on a date, that your wife is sick, that you have kids, vs telling people that you are heterosexual.

It's in some ways similar to telling people what you had for dinner last night vs your emotional relationship with food. The first might be interesting to a colleague f you are talking about recipes or it was a great new restaurant. The second could easily be over-sharing.

phishy · 26/08/2022 10:49

MangyInseam · 26/08/2022 10:43

There is a difference between making factual statements about things in your daily life, and making comments about your sexual preferences.

So mentioning that you say the new Marvel film on a date, that your wife is sick, that you have kids, vs telling people that you are heterosexual.

It's in some ways similar to telling people what you had for dinner last night vs your emotional relationship with food. The first might be interesting to a colleague f you are talking about recipes or it was a great new restaurant. The second could easily be over-sharing.

Show quote history

So mentioning that you say the new Marvel film on a date, that your wife is sick, that you have kids, vs telling people that you are heterosexual.

Why is it bad to tell people your sexuality?

OP was asked if she has a boyfriend, she said no, because she is a lesbian.

What’s wrong with that?

Dotjones · 26/08/2022 10:52

I think it's wrong to wonder why are men so offended by women being attracted to women based on the sample of this colleague. Most straight men I know don't seem to give a toss whether a woman is a lesbian or not. In my experience (not saying it's universally true) it's specifically gay men who have issues with lesbians. I am not generalising or trying to be offensive or saying every gay man dislikes lesbians - I'm just saying in my experience.

My view is that this is because gay men struggle to understand why a woman would be attracted to another woman, given that they themselves (the gay man) are not attracted to women. Some (not all) gay men almost fear women.

I think this would explain why straight men don't have a big problem with lesbians - to them it's understandable that a woman might prefer another woman, after all they do themselves.

Wanderingowl · 26/08/2022 11:13

StreetwiseHercules · 26/08/2022 07:23

A lot of gay men hate lesbians for some reason. Have never understood that.

All you have to do is look at datalounge (forum mainly for gay men) for a few days and you'll undoubtedly see a really nasty thread or two about lesbians pop up. Obviously it's not all gay men, but there is definitely a bit of a subculture within gay male society that just loves to shit on lesbians.

Whataretheodds · 26/08/2022 11:13

If you've asked him to stop and he hasn't he is not a friend. He might be someone you meet up with outside work but he's no friend.

YouAreNotBatman · 26/08/2022 11:42

MangyInseam · 26/08/2022 10:43

There is a difference between making factual statements about things in your daily life, and making comments about your sexual preferences.

So mentioning that you say the new Marvel film on a date, that your wife is sick, that you have kids, vs telling people that you are heterosexual.

It's in some ways similar to telling people what you had for dinner last night vs your emotional relationship with food. The first might be interesting to a colleague f you are talking about recipes or it was a great new restaurant. The second could easily be over-sharing.

Show quote history

This just sounds like eveyone who isin’t hetero should know their place and keep quiet.

Straight people can take things for granted.

So, if a straight friend tells me she’s finds dating hard because guys are emotionally immature or they send dick pics or whatever,
I can’t say dating as an asexual is hard?

And plenty of people talk about sex, or their
”preferences” (asexuality is not a preference, I was born this way, I can’t change it. No one can change on a whim their sexuality) when it comes to sex. Again why not wanting sex should ve kept in silence?

StreetwiseHercules · 26/08/2022 12:47

Dotjones · 26/08/2022 10:52

I think it's wrong to wonder why are men so offended by women being attracted to women based on the sample of this colleague. Most straight men I know don't seem to give a toss whether a woman is a lesbian or not. In my experience (not saying it's universally true) it's specifically gay men who have issues with lesbians. I am not generalising or trying to be offensive or saying every gay man dislikes lesbians - I'm just saying in my experience.

My view is that this is because gay men struggle to understand why a woman would be attracted to another woman, given that they themselves (the gay man) are not attracted to women. Some (not all) gay men almost fear women.

I think this would explain why straight men don't have a big problem with lesbians - to them it's understandable that a woman might prefer another woman, after all they do themselves.

I have never encountered a straight male having any issue whatsoever with lesbians. Gay men largely do seem to dislike lesbians in my experience.

Original poster
Northerngay · 26/08/2022 12:55

Thanks for useful replies.

Sexual preference is homophobic language, it’s been proven there’s not a choice in this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Northerngay · 26/08/2022 13:06

I have experienced the odd lesbophobic comment from straight men but if I’m being honest I don’t know many. However, I have other gay male friends who do not make lesbophobic comments, the one I’ve mentioned is the only one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Northerngay · 26/08/2022 13:07

Whataretheodds · 26/08/2022 11:13

If you've asked him to stop and he hasn't he is not a friend. He might be someone you meet up with outside work but he's no friend.

V true.

we don’t meet up just us two, it’s always as part of a larger grip.

thanks x

OP posts:
PinkFrogss · 26/08/2022 13:50

MangyInseam · 26/08/2022 10:43

There is a difference between making factual statements about things in your daily life, and making comments about your sexual preferences.

So mentioning that you say the new Marvel film on a date, that your wife is sick, that you have kids, vs telling people that you are heterosexual.

It's in some ways similar to telling people what you had for dinner last night vs your emotional relationship with food. The first might be interesting to a colleague f you are talking about recipes or it was a great new restaurant. The second could easily be over-sharing.

Show quote history

OP saying she is a lesbian when asked about if she has a relationship is a factual statement about things in her daily life. She’s not saying she likes to be tied up and spanked ffs

Original poster
Northerngay · 26/08/2022 14:05

🤣 🤣

OP posts:
Trying20 · 26/08/2022 14:21

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Trying20 · 26/08/2022 14:25

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Original poster
Northerngay · 26/08/2022 14:27

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@Trying20

I take your point, I have tried to not generalise but can improve. Thanks for your response x

OP posts:
Original poster
Northerngay · 26/08/2022 14:28

@Trying20 I would like to also add I haven’t made sweeping generalisations but plenty on here have, I added that he was a gay man because that is what he says when called out on homophobia- anyone LGBT+ can’t be homophobic.

OP posts:
Keyansier · 26/08/2022 14:31

I think people need to look at this from a scientific approach honestly:

Trying20 · 26/08/2022 14:37

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Original poster
Northerngay · 26/08/2022 14:38

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No worries, I just wanted to be clear

OP posts:
Trainbear · 26/08/2022 15:15

Northerngay · 26/08/2022 14:28

@Trying20 I would like to also add I haven’t made sweeping generalisations but plenty on here have, I added that he was a gay man because that is what he says when called out on homophobia- anyone LGBT+ can’t be homophobic.

Oh that old chestnut “ I can’t be homophobic cos I is gay”. I can’t be racist cos I is black/brown/purple with green spots. I can’t be disablist cos I is on the spectrum” meaning I can get away with anything. No.

starfishmummy · 26/08/2022 15:49

I'm not sure he has any sort of phobia whatever the name is; however he is being totally inappropriate and should be reported for sexual harassment.

Acas defines it as


  • violated someone's dignity, whether it was intended or not

  • created an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment for them, whether it was intended or not

www.acas.org.uk/sexual-harassment

phishy · 26/08/2022 16:44

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This just sounds like #NAGMALT

Being gay doesn’t preclude someone from being misogynistic.

Trying20 · 26/08/2022 17:05

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PinkFrogss · 26/08/2022 17:31

@Trying20 NAGMALT is a play on words based on NAMALT (not all men are like that).

It based on how men like you react to women sharing their negative experience with men, only to be told “well not all men are like that” as if that helps at all.

FWIW the person who said it’s harder to be a lesbian than a gay man in society due to having to deal with both homophobia and misogyny wasn’t broadly speaking wrong. As well as two separate issues of homophobia and misogyny there’s also a lot of overlap e.g. corrective rape

Faseeshes · 26/08/2022 18:00

It's not about your lesbianism, he just has a crush on you. Not saying it's better or worse, just correctly labelling it.