low level lesphobia

[Northerngay]

Not even sure lesphobia is a word 😂 but anyway.
I’m a lesbian, a ‘femme’ so to speak. I’m very secure in this after a few years of figuring it out.
I work in the NHS with a close team, great and supportive no issues there but I have one male, gay (not sure of relevance but adds context) friend. I suspect him to have ASD (I myself am ND).

Anyway, he is a very nice person but I’ve noticed a low level of lesphobia. ‘I need to find you a man’ ‘a man to tame your views’ (I’m very left wing and a feminist) ‘trying to impress the men’ ‘trying to attract a boyfriend’. ‘too pretty to be a lesbian’ ‘too skinny to be a lesbian’

I do not tolerate it, I bite back with girlfriend women not everything is about men why are men so offended by women being attracted to women *why is everything about validation.

When I bite back hard he is very sensitive and apologises for a week. Again I kind of cba with this. I don’t mind banter but he literally doesn’t seem to have anything else. I now just do girlfriend women *woman when he says BF/man and move on.

but yeah, any advice. I have to work closely with this person and in many ways he is a great friend.

They may do but if they are then faced with discriminatory responses then they should go to HR

We were having a chat about this on holiday with two gay males, it certainly wasn’t a strong as hate but it started a massive argument

Some of the worst misogyny and biphobia I've experienced as come from gay men. We aren't natural allies, despite being forced under the rainbow flag together.

If he was straight would your reaction be different? Just because he is a homosexual does not give him and extra privileges.

It's not low level it's blatant ! I'd complain to HR get his sexist misogynistic arse handed to him.

I'd have a strong word and if he doesn't stop then I'd report it. Tell him what he's suggesting is called corrective rape.

He might think that in some weird way it's acceptable to say these things because you are both gay. Just explain to him his comments are homophobic / misogynistic and even if he thinks he is joking it's not funny or acceptable and that you will report him if he ever says anything like that again.

Tell him to wind his neck in! He wouldn’t talk like that to a straight woman presumably, and that sounds more misogynistic than anything.
maybe he’s trying to have some ‘ banyan ’ with you as you’re both gay but it’s coming off wrong…

Seriously? I'd either wander off immediately without reply every single time he does this (ie stonewall him) or I'd stare at him without replying for a few seconds then change the subject.

If you fail to engage at all he will give up. It's boring for you but part of life is learning how to deal with tossers without getting too wound up by them.

That’s incredibly fucking weird from a gay bloke.

Next time he does it and you have a moment tell him clearly that he keeps doing this and it’s incredibly weird (give him 3 regular examples), and that you expect him to pack it in now, or you are going to be in the embarrassing position of asking HR to provide anti homophobia training to a gay person. (Make the latter sound like a joke rather than a threat, but it needs to land, because the next step IS to report it,)

It might be a saddo attempt at banter but I also think there is misogyny in there. (No sex without a penis / no relationship without a man.)

Men are always insulted that a pretty femme woman would prefer another woman rather than a man.

Even gay men for some strange reason.

Butch women don’t get the same reaction.

I don't understand why people say you shouldn't talk about your sexual preferences with him - how do they expect you speak about your partner without using pronouns /names/ etc. That to me is quite a homophobic comment to make particularly when it's deemed appropriate for heterosexuals to discuss these kind of things.

This to me does not sound low level. I worked for an organisation once, as a straight woman, with a total homophobe in my team who decided I was a lesbian. I received similar comments which became quite constant - despite being straight, they are one of the reasons I left. I have no problem with people thinking I am not straight, it was the constant microaggressions that brought me down. HR were useless as were also homophobic, and was basically left to explain personal relationships or shut up and put up with what was being said to me. I had a trip of religious slurs, sex slurs, and sexuality slurs and honestly looking back I wish I had taken it further.

Keep a notebook quietly and write down times, dates, comments, and witnesses in it in case you do want to escalate in the future. I would stop engaging in case he uses it against you in the future as well. Just quietly ignore it and get on with whatever you are doing.

It's absolutely shite that this is still allowed to happen.

It’s misogyny.

Men, even gay men, don’t like women who don’t center their lives around men.
Even the ”strongest,independent” straight/bi women still date, have sex, live with men, have their kids at the end of the day, so they are not much of a threat.

I’m asexual and I’ve gotten so much anger from men for it that it’s just crazy!

Men do not like women who have the audacity to live their lives and not centering men.

I don't understand why people say you shouldn't talk about your sexual preferences with him - how do they expect you speak about your partner without using pronouns /names/ etc. That to me is quite a homophobic comment to make particularly when it's deemed appropriate for heterosexuals to discuss these kind of things.

This is something I’ve struggled with.
I’ve been told that no one needs to know/ wants to hear about my asexuality, but at the same time I have to hear all about their dates/ relationships / sex/ kids…. etc…. all the time.

Why are some people aloud to be open about their lives and some are not?

Always? Don’t be daft, not everyone’s as bigoted as the OP’s colleague.

How could anyone know that you are asexual? It’s simply not something that would normally be known to others.

Anyway, he is a very nice person but I’ve noticed a low level of lesphobia. ‘I need to find you a man’ ‘a man to tame your views’ (I’m very left wing and a feminist) ‘trying to impress the men’ ‘trying to attract a boyfriend’. ‘too pretty to be a lesbian’ ‘too skinny to be a lesbian’

Sorry, but I have to take issue with your first sentence here, because a) he is not a very nice person and b) this is not 'low level'.

These comments are bloody hateful. It's full-on homophobic. Joking about about lesbians needing a man to 'cure' them of the sexuality? Implying that lesbians are ugly and fat? That is absolutely not OK.

Ugh. So in his mind lesbians are only lesbians because they’re not skinny and pretty enough to attract men. And are only feminists because they don’t have men to moderate their views. I could weep.

1. This isn’t the workplace - as stated we are friends - we have been on nights out (with other people) and to pride events
2. sexual preference ? Suggesting we can choose ?

Hi

thanks for replies, I don’t think it’s been made explicitly clear (by me). These conversations are not in the workplace conversations - nights out etc and the odd over message.

Yes I’ve told him directly. Thanks for your advice

People talk to each other about their lives.
They share personal stuff.

I was naive once, so I was pretty open when I finally found out what I was.
So when other talk on and on about their dating/relationship lives and asked about mine, I wanted to be honest: that I’d love to find someone and be in a relationship, but don’t want sex.
And it went bad, really bad.

I already said in other post, but shouldn’t asexuals also be aloid to talk about theit life?
We have to hear about other’s sexuality all the time.

It may be more that he is being a jokey in a way that he thinks is kind of ironic. But doesn't have much sense of when it's gone too far/when he isn't close enough to the person to make that kind of joke.

Some people also just don't have much capacity to see things from someone else's point of view.

I think it would be best at this point to sit down and tell him that it's inappropriate, you dislike it and have asked him to stop, and if he won't you are going to have to alert someone like a supervisor. The downside is he may feel somewhat attacked and it could sour your working relationship from his end, which will be a pain, but I don't really see another solution.

I posted the thread and fell asleep 10 mins later.

I seem to have a few replies that have been reported - thanks to those who reported them. From reading the thread it seems some would think I am lying / gay men can’t be homophobic - why do you think I have such mixed feelings on this.

Thanks so much for everyone’s replies. I had had a few drinks before posting this but to be clear these aren’t in work conversations, my team has a large social calendar. However, I am openly a lesbian at work because people ask all the time if I have a boyfriend (innocently) and instead of saying no for whatever reason I say no, I’m a lesbian.

Also, it’s sexual orientation sexual preference suggests there’s a choice in the matter.