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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who will look after you if you get sick or grow old?

54 replies

GoneAwolAgain · 25/08/2022 21:36

Interesting discussion with friends tonight...if you were to suddenly get very sick with acute illness, who would help take care of you? Would family gather around or would it be friends?

OP posts:
FangsForTheMemory · 25/08/2022 21:37

me

EndersGame · 25/08/2022 21:38

family - but only long enough to bung me in a home.

mackthepony · 25/08/2022 21:38

I honestly don't know. DH I suppose. Kids are too young.

My parents don't live in the same country

MessyBunPersonified · 25/08/2022 21:39

I have literally nobody besides my kids so fuck knows. I definitely wouldn't have my older dc putting their lives on hold to look after me though.

BigFatLiar · 25/08/2022 21:40

If he was still alive I suspect OH, he has in the past looked after me and I'm sure he will as long as he's able (as I would care for him).

I suspect our daughters would do what they could, I cared for my parents, but it would be up to them. Most of our friends are of a similar age so in the same boat.

XenoBitch · 25/08/2022 21:40

Neither. I would have to cope alone.

Pacca · 25/08/2022 21:40

DH. Or if he goes first, paid carers. It's not something I worry about.

Waitingforever123 · 25/08/2022 21:47

I did get ill (became disabled overnight 9 years ago). As a single parent I didn't have a partner to assist. My family and friends soon disappeared when I couldn't be there for them as I had been before. My dc became my carers. The guilt that I feel every day is unbelievable. My dc do not deserve this life. The nhs, social care, young carers are all not fit for purpose. We need long term support, not the 8 weeks of group teaching young carers get or the 6 weeks support from OT, or the 4 years (and still waiting) I've spent on an nhs waiting list.

BobMortimersPocketMeat · 25/08/2022 21:48

It depends whether it’s soon and acute illness, or just older age. For acute illness we are lucky enough still to have young enough parents to help, and we have my lovely DBro and DSIL. There are also good friends who would, and have, helped out in the short term.

We have no children, or nieces/nephews, so when we are old we will look after each other for as long as we can, and after that we will pay people to do it for us. It’s not something either of us worry about, to be honest - there’s enough to think about in the here and now.

JaceLancs · 25/08/2022 21:48

DC and DP

Coasterfan · 25/08/2022 21:57

The care system, if we still have one! I would never expect my children to take on that responsibility!

Elleherd · 25/08/2022 21:57

It already happened. That huge number of people I knew and had automatically helped when needed, substantially slimmed down awfully fast when it was clear my future would be in a wheelchair.
I rely mainly on intense bloody mindedness, as I have a seriously disabled dc who needs me to keep going for as long as they do.

SaggyBlinders · 25/08/2022 21:59

Given that the carer allowance is something like £67 per week, and that's if you care for someone for 35 weeks or more, I don't think many people would be in the position to jack in their job and care for a family member or friend full time, even if they wanted to.

This is something that I have considered for one of my older relatives, as I strongly suspect that they have early stage dementia; luckily they have money to pay for a private carer, if it came to it.

My male relatives seem to assume that I will doing the caring if it's needed though.

FinallyHere · 25/08/2022 22:00

This is something I have been considering. No DC, DH fourteen years older.

We are comfortably situated so I expect to be able to cover the cost of good quality care, such as the live in care we arranged for DM in the last few years of her life.

What I may lack, is someone close to manage that care. Solicitor, niece, ex-step daughter in law ...

Hoping to not get that old, or that there will be more choices available before I get to that stage. Tricky.

SammySueTwo · 25/08/2022 22:01

Dignitas if I can afford it.

Duchess379 · 25/08/2022 22:02

No-one. I'm an only child & unmarried, no kids. Not close to any of my relatives. So, it's just me.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 25/08/2022 22:06

I’m single and childless but if I got sick to the point I couldn’t care for myself I could go and live with my mum who I am sure would take care of me, but she lives several hours from me so I would have to leave my life here and we don’t always get on so it would be hard.

If I was sick but well enough to manage basic self care then I have local friends who I think would be willing to rally round and help with things like shopping etc, at least on a short to medium term basis.

Not sure about when I’m old as I have no children and all my current friends and family will all either be dead be equally old by then. I do have nephews but wouldn’t expect them to care for me, especially as their parents are similarly aged to me, so I expect I would need paid carers or to go into a home.

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 25/08/2022 22:09

I have no-one.

CatLadyDrinksGin · 25/08/2022 22:12

I’ll top myself rather than let anyone else have to manage me.

SavoirFlair · 25/08/2022 22:14

Dignitas.

Doormatnomore · 25/08/2022 22:14

Interesting question. Both DH and I nursed a dying parent in our teens. The whole nine yards including all the personal care and actually being there when they died. And then tried to get on with our lives afterwards. We’re both clear that if we know the end is coming then the end will come on our terms, in my case completely alone.

I had a similar conversation with a friend who that I was speaking as a young person who isn’t facing death and the reality is different but I know what I want.

old age is harder to judge, when you can’t drive anymore? When you can pick something off the floor?

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 25/08/2022 22:14

Depends upon the nature of the care and the timescale.

My DH would find anything too close to nursing very very difficult. Although good at certain stuff, he's brilliant with my Mum's mobility issues, and already does loads of practical stuff around the house he is terribly squeamish and would be rubbish at anything involving blood, vomit, faeces etc.

My sister would be wonderful, she works in elderly care now and is great at changing dressings and stuff as well as basics. She's also good at relating to and communicating with people with dementia. I am sure that if she was young and healthy enough she would do as much as possible.

My parents are now too elderly to do much other than financial assistance occasional light respite or managing financial affairs etc.

I have no children and my sister only has one. I wouldn't want them to be lumbered although they are caring, practical and trusted.

My friends are similar ages and are dealing with elderly parents themselves, so they would probably be limited in what they can do.

I have decent insurance policies and assets. I would rather be put into paid care than have a member of my family or a friend step in to their own detriment.

TheHateIsNotGood · 25/08/2022 22:19

Me - just turned 60 and I'm more concerned about getting DS (autistic) as independent as possible before I'm unable to support him and fill the gaps that NT 20 year olds don't need.

After nearly 21 years of dealing with it single-handedly I'm getting a bit knackered and financially stressed. As long as I can keep it up for another 5 years, he might be independent enough, which leaves me just 2 more years until I can get the State Pension (that at least is fully paid up already with a bit of 2nd as I never opted out). My mortgage is due to be paid off at 67 although I overpay even teeny bits when I can - hopefully I can downsize once DS is independently housed; although my home is not worth about half the average.

By then, at this rate - no one need worry about caring for me - I'll have popped my clogs through exhaustion.

Or maybe not.

Nat6999 · 25/08/2022 22:25

I'm already ill at 56 & ds is my carer, he has been his dad's carer since he was 8 & mine for the last 2 years, he is a brilliant young carer, he is 18 now.

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/08/2022 22:31

Well I wouldn’t expect anyone to give up their job to care for me, and no one could afford to, so I’d have to manage and hopefully get carers. I’d move near my sister or and old friend to have company. If it was full nursing care full on for ever then digitas I think.. there are limits.

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