AIBU: To ask my fiancé to get a tattoo covered up / removed ?

[leopardfish]

The tattoo is his ex wife and her kids names.

When my fiancé was 19, he married a 30 year old woman who had two kids of her own. As a wedding present to her, he got her and the kids names tattooed on his back. 5 years later they divorced as he wanted kids in the future and she didn’t want anymore.

My fiancé hasn’t seen / spoken to them since the divorce 8 years ago. Last we heard, they had moved abroad. He said he was young and stupid and regrets wasting those years. I’m not jealous or anything, I know he had a life before I came along!

I’ve mentioned the tattoo a couple of times before - he said he’s had it so long, he forgets it’s there / it doesn’t bother him because he can’t see it anyway!

It was a little awkward explaining to my family on holiday last year. I’ve asked him if he ever thought about getting it removed / covered up and he said he would rather spend the money on us, the wedding or a nice holiday. I think he maybe scared of the pain? He hasn’t said this but he is not very good when it comes to pain!

I’m sure if I told him how much it’s bothering me then he would do something about it. I just wanted to check if I was being unreasonable as it is his body so his choice at the end of the day.

what do you think?

[I8toys]

YANBU to want to. Everytime he takes his clothes of it shows his youthful stupidity and I am sure he knows it but its his body at the end of the day

[noodlezoodle]

Just wanted to add that while it is more painful to have a tattoo removed than to have one done, it's really not that bad - and the expense and time taken to do it really depends on the size, age and colour of the tattoo.

If it's relatively small black text then it would actually be pretty easy to remove.

[keeprunning55]

I don’t think it’s right that he wants to keep his ex wives name tattooed on his back. Yes it will hurt, but no more than the tattoo he managed to bare the pain with in the first place.
Perhaps cover it up with another tattoo?

[QuandaleDingle]

Yanbu

And what a cringe tattoo to get 🤮

[Namechangetime89]

Not the point - but I feel sad for the children who’s names he got tattooed on his back and then never saw again once the relationship broke down. I don’t think I could be with someone who would do that - let alone the horrid tattoo thing.

[QuandaleDingle]

@Namechangetime89

Not the point - but I feel sad for the children who’s names he got tattooed on his back and then never saw again once the relationship broke down. I don’t think I could be with someone who would do that - let alone the horrid tattoo thing.

I thought this too 😞

[Neondevelitionist]

Large cover ups cost thousands. Laser costs thousands.

Tattoos aren't cheap.

Save the money. It's meaningless.

[AllThingsServeTheBeam]

@Namechangetime89

Not the point - but I feel sad for the children who’s names he got tattooed on his back and then never saw again once the relationship broke down. I don’t think I could be with someone who would do that - let alone the horrid tattoo thing.

Did I miss the post where op said it was her dp that refused contact?

[catsonahottinroof]

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to remove them - if it is just quite small names in black then they should be fairly easy to remove. How many other tattoos does he have? As this would affect my thinking. If he was covered in tattoos elsewhere, then I would offer to pay for him to have a cover up, as I don't see any reason why he would say no. If these are his only tattoos, maybe he doesn't like the thought of going through the pain again. You should take lots of photos of his back when he has it uncovered, so he may get the idea.

[Marinamountainzoo]

@leopardfish

Thank you everyone for your replies!

Obviously I’m not going to force him to cover it up / remove it, I was just wondering if it was too much to ask? I will stay with him either way because I love him. It doesn’t bother me that he was married before, I just can’t help feel a little sad when I’m lying next to him and that’s all I can see. I’m pregnant and already wondering what to explain to little one when they’re old enough to read. Maybe I’m thinking too much into it

You tell them that dad was an idiot when he was younget and this is why you don't get married or get a tattoo when you're 19.

[Viostep]

Talk to him. Tell him it bothers you that he has another woman and her kids names tattooed and you have to look at it. Now that you're getting married and are having his child you think it's inappropriate and it's really upsetting you. See what he says. He might be open to getting a cover up tattoo or get it removed now you are carrying his child.

People might think it's controlling but I disagree. You are allowed to be upset about it (blame pregnancy hormones) and it's a relatively simple thing he can do to make you happy. I don't think I could stop myself commenting on it every time I saw it. I hope he makes the right decision OP. Keeping it is not worth the upset caused to the person he is going to spend the rest of his life with and raise children with.

[category12]

Maybe he could get it covered as a wedding present to you?

I guess if you would choose him getting it covered over a holiday or more expensive wedding, then it is spending money on "us".

[LadyApplejack]

I would totally get DH to remove/cover in this situ! Mine has a couple of tats (not tributes!), just asked him if he'd get rid of an ex's name and he said for a fiancée/wife he definitely would. I would too. It's hardly an oddball request on your part.

[EmeraldShamrock1]

Do you both intend to fully erase his DC from his life.

Why isn't he in contact with the DC as someone who wanted more DC.

[category12]

@EmeraldShamrock1

Do you both intend to fully erase his DC from his life.

Why isn't he in contact with the DC as someone who wanted more DC.

They're not his kids? His ex-wife had 2 kids before he met her.

[AllThingsServeTheBeam]

@EmeraldShamrock1

Do you both intend to fully erase his DC from his life.

Why isn't he in contact with the DC as someone who wanted more DC.

Maybe re-read the ops post

[catinboots123]

@MistyRock

I honestly cannot believe the amount of people that wouldn't be bothered about this! I'm amazed. I'd bloody hate it.

You're a weirdo. It's a tattoo.

[Sartre]

It’s a tricky one because I can totally see why you’d want him to have it covered, I would too! My DH had his first girlfriend’s name tattooed on his leg at 18, luckily he had it covered as soon as they split so I never saw it. I’d feel really weird seeing the name all of the time and I can imagine you feel this way. He isn’t BU to leave it though because it is ultimately his body and if it’s a big tattoo, it will be expensive to cover and painful.

[Kitkatcatflap]

Worst wedding present ever - I would have had it annulled. Still I suppose he was young

[KathrynOfArrogance]

Are you going to take him from behind?

[XenoBitch]

My dad has a tattoo of his ex-wife. No one gives a shit, because everyone is allowed a past, and sometimes people have that past (although present at the time) as a tattoo.

YABU if it is just names. If it is a full colour job of her face, I could understand.

[EmeraldShamrock1]

Oh my apologies.

Not his kids. 🤯 Christ he definitely needs to have it removed without question ASAP.

I'd rather get married on a budget than look at his silly mistake every night.

[MistyRock]

@catinboots123

You're a weirdo. It's a tattoo.

I must be! Who'd have thought that a constant reminder of the ex wife would be something the majority of women would be happy with. I suppose it must be that I'm not really into tattoos, therefore I don't really see that an ex lovers name permanently written on my current partners body as something negative. It's strange that he had the cash pre wedding, at the time to get it done, but this time around isn't willing to splash the cash on it again. Unfortunately I'm so strange that it would be a huge deal breaker for me. What next? Having a wedding photo of the ex wife on the bed side table?

[Lyi]

I don't think YABU. if its on his bank he can't see it so has no reason to think about it.
Youre the one that has to see it everyday.

Get a sharpie and write your exs name on your hip every day for a fortnight. See how he feels then

[Musti]

Yanbu but it isn’t an easy thing to remove so I understand his reasoning and I wouldn’t let it bother me. Once you have more money or money that you don’t want to spend on something you need, then he can get it removed.

I can’t believe a 30 year old would marry a 19 year old! He was so young!