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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: To ask my fiancé to get a tattoo covered up / removed ?

104 replies

leopardfish · 23/08/2022 10:25

The tattoo is his ex wife and her kids names.

When my fiancé was 19, he married a 30 year old woman who had two kids of her own. As a wedding present to her, he got her and the kids names tattooed on his back. 5 years later they divorced as he wanted kids in the future and she didn’t want anymore.

My fiancé hasn’t seen / spoken to them since the divorce 8 years ago. Last we heard, they had moved abroad. He said he was young and stupid and regrets wasting those years. I’m not jealous or anything, I know he had a life before I came along!

I’ve mentioned the tattoo a couple of times before - he said he’s had it so long, he forgets it’s there / it doesn’t bother him because he can’t see it anyway!

It was a little awkward explaining to my family on holiday last year. I’ve asked him if he ever thought about getting it removed / covered up and he said he would rather spend the money on us, the wedding or a nice holiday. I think he maybe scared of the pain? He hasn’t said this but he is not very good when it comes to pain!

I’m sure if I told him how much it’s bothering me then he would do something about it. I just wanted to check if I was being unreasonable as it is his body so his choice at the end of the day.

what do you think?

OP posts:
SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 23/08/2022 11:40

It was annoying enough for me to have to use my (now ex) DP’s previous GF and kids names as his password whenever I used his Amazon or Netflix etc, let alone a bloody tattoo. I would find that really annoying too.

3ShotsOfEspresso · 23/08/2022 11:54

justaladyLOL · 23/08/2022 11:12

Must say I hate any tattoo just think they look awful but it is his choice

Pointless comment. Nice of you to come on the thread just to demonstrate how nasty you are. Hope all your kids get face tattoos. X

MiauzenKatzenjammer · 23/08/2022 12:01

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 10:45

Urgh I don't think I'd have got to the first shag!

😂😂you and me both!

SpaceRat · 23/08/2022 12:01

leopardfish · 23/08/2022 10:36

Thank you everyone for your replies!

Obviously I’m not going to force him to cover it up / remove it, I was just wondering if it was too much to ask? I will stay with him either way because I love him. It doesn’t bother me that he was married before, I just can’t help feel a little sad when I’m lying next to him and that’s all I can see. I’m pregnant and already wondering what to explain to little one when they’re old enough to read. Maybe I’m thinking too much into it

Exactly the same thing that you'd tell your family or anyone else: "daddy was married before and those tattoos are from that time". The only complication I can imagine is that at some point the little one might ask why their name can't be tattoed on daddy's back but if he's a good dad he can always just say that he has changed his mind about having tattoos.

JustLyra · 23/08/2022 12:04

You weren’t unreasonable to bring it up, but he’s already given you his opinion so you’d be unreasonable to push it any further.

WTF475878237NC · 23/08/2022 12:04

What to explain? You tell your future children when they ask daddy was married young and got a stupid tattoo! It's not odd for parents to have had lives before children.

Didn't you consider this the first time you shared a bed with him? I don't think it's fair to ask as it's not his problem. I'm sure it was obvious to your family on holiday he'd been married before.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 23/08/2022 12:04

I don’t think you are unreasonable. If I were in your shoes, I would feel the same way.

I’d ask, but make it clear it’s his choice, and you understand that. Then whatever he decided, I would support that.

mountainsunsets · 23/08/2022 12:05

DH had a tattoo of his ex's name on his back when we met. He regretted it but, like yours, said he wasn't too fussed when he was single as he couldn't see it and it was easy to cover up.

However, when we moved in together he made the decision to cover it up which I thought was really sweet of him. It's not about trying to cover up his past, more about getting rid of something that now doesn't mean anything and replacing it with something that does.

viques · 23/08/2022 12:08

Just be thankful you aren’t Brooklyn Beckhams (as yet) fictional second wife………..

Retrievemysanity · 23/08/2022 12:10

Surprised anyone would think YABU to be honest. He can’t see it but you can and to me it’s no different than if he had a photo of his ex up in the house or something. No one needs a constant reminder of that!

ShahRukhKhan · 23/08/2022 12:11

I can see why you don't like it. No harm in asking but it has to be his choice in the end.

Try seeing it like PP said-- as a roadmap of his past but not anything to do with his future which is with you.

Cakecakecheese · 23/08/2022 12:13

It's not an unreasonable request, the programme Tattoo Fixers was full of people getting cover ups of tattoos that their partner hated. It can be painful and expensive so it's up to him if he doesn't want to do it.

mamaof6boys · 23/08/2022 12:14

My ex has a massive tattoo of me on his chest, portrait style (his way of trying to make me stay) and there is no way of pretending it's not me. Obviously I have no idea if it affects his new wife but I know I wouldn't like to be staring at another woman's face on my hubby so would encourage ex do a cover up for his wife. I don't think there is anything wrong with you asking your OH if he'd consider a cover up. He can say no, he has that right don't mean your a ass for asking.

AdobeWanKenobi · 23/08/2022 12:16

3ShotsOfEspresso · 23/08/2022 11:54

Pointless comment. Nice of you to come on the thread just to demonstrate how nasty you are. Hope all your kids get face tattoos. X

Show quote history

But she hates tattoos. This as you know is a VERY important opinion that simply MUST be foisted on to you whether you like it or not.

And may those face tattoos blow out 😂😉

Annabananna1 · 23/08/2022 12:16

He's already said he doesn't want it removed or covered, so that's that.

garlictwist · 23/08/2022 12:17

I mean, it sounds like a shit tattoo but it's there now. Everyone's got a past. I'd just ignore it to be honest.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 23/08/2022 12:20

@leopardfish stop beating about the bush and tell him it's upsetting you

he got the tattoo for their wedding, he can remove it for yours!!

MaChienEstUnDick · 23/08/2022 12:22

I don't think you're U to ask at all. Even if you just ask him to get a price for removal - that would give you a ballpark.

However you are overthinking it with your own DC - to be honest, I could walk through here with a tattoo of the Eiffel Tower on my face and they'd barely look up from the TV. You'll only have to explain it once - children don't 'see' their parents in the same way other people do.

InsertPunHere · 23/08/2022 12:23

Congratulations, OP!

It’s probably bothering you more now because you’re pregnant and everything feels heightened and significant when you’re pregnant (in my experience).

Hormones made everything feel so much intense when I was pregnant. I can understand why it bothers you but getting it removed will be painful and expensive. Surely the money is better spent
on stuff for your baby?

MrsReeves · 23/08/2022 12:26

Change your name and name any future kids from the tattoo. Problem solved 🤷🏻‍♀️

Aprilx · 23/08/2022 12:28

Easy for him to forget about it when he can’t see it. I think it would be a good use of money and I would prefer tattoo removal to many material items we could buy. He hasn’t actually said he doesn’t want to, just that it doesn’t bother him, so I think it is reasonable to ask.

SmudgeButt · 23/08/2022 12:28

Get him onto that Tattoo Fixers programme and let them make something beautiful out of it.

But what don't want is what Johnny Depp did when he changed his tat from Winona to Wine Forever.

Johnnysgirl · 23/08/2022 12:30

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 10:45

Urgh I don't think I'd have got to the first shag!

I can't disagree, tbh 😬

Johnnysgirl · 23/08/2022 12:32

MaChienEstUnDick · 23/08/2022 12:22

I don't think you're U to ask at all. Even if you just ask him to get a price for removal - that would give you a ballpark.

However you are overthinking it with your own DC - to be honest, I could walk through here with a tattoo of the Eiffel Tower on my face and they'd barely look up from the TV. You'll only have to explain it once - children don't 'see' their parents in the same way other people do.

They will read a list of names on their father's back and wonder why theirs aren't there too. Explaining it won't make it look any better from their point of view.

VacayingInTheHamptons · 23/08/2022 12:35

Its not unreasonable to ask him. It’s part of his past though, he may not want to erase that as presumably they were a big part of his life. I don’t like any tattoos so wouldn’t choose a partner with tattoos but you knew he had it when you chose him so there’s not much you can do. Fingers crossed he removes it.

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