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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: To ask my fiancé to get a tattoo covered up / removed ?

104 replies

leopardfish · 23/08/2022 10:25

The tattoo is his ex wife and her kids names.

When my fiancé was 19, he married a 30 year old woman who had two kids of her own. As a wedding present to her, he got her and the kids names tattooed on his back. 5 years later they divorced as he wanted kids in the future and she didn’t want anymore.

My fiancé hasn’t seen / spoken to them since the divorce 8 years ago. Last we heard, they had moved abroad. He said he was young and stupid and regrets wasting those years. I’m not jealous or anything, I know he had a life before I came along!

I’ve mentioned the tattoo a couple of times before - he said he’s had it so long, he forgets it’s there / it doesn’t bother him because he can’t see it anyway!

It was a little awkward explaining to my family on holiday last year. I’ve asked him if he ever thought about getting it removed / covered up and he said he would rather spend the money on us, the wedding or a nice holiday. I think he maybe scared of the pain? He hasn’t said this but he is not very good when it comes to pain!

I’m sure if I told him how much it’s bothering me then he would do something about it. I just wanted to check if I was being unreasonable as it is his body so his choice at the end of the day.

what do you think?

OP posts:
BaileySharp · 23/08/2022 12:39

It sounds like you've already mentioned it and he's already said no. I can definitely see why it bothers you but it's his body and his choice. Perhaps you could explain why it bothers you and how you have to see it even if he doesn't? But if he still says no you might have to drop it

KarmaStar · 23/08/2022 13:05

I agree with him ,it's a lengthy and expensive process and for what?you don't have to look at it when you look at him.
It's his body and your insecurity and jealousy should not override his thoughts on this.
Just ignore it.
No idea why it was embarrassing your family saw it.
Count your blessings.🌈

Herejustforthisone · 23/08/2022 13:37

What a curious decision he made. I don’t blame you for thinking it’s rank.

Sunflowers2047 · 23/08/2022 13:39

Cant believe some of the replies on here and wonder how people would actually feel if they were in this situation! In my opinion you are not being unreasonable at all, I would absolutely hate it!! A girl at work had her abusive ex name still tattooed on her and I wonder how she and her new partner can stand it.

Indoctro · 23/08/2022 13:40

I got a tattoo covered up because my husband to be ..asked me to - we are now married.

Honestly I personally would of just left it but he didn't like it, so for him I got it covered.

It was a old partners initials.

Sometimes we do things to make others happy. It's not unreasonable at all to ask him to sort it out.

RamblingEclectic · 23/08/2022 13:50

I think you should be able to discuss anything bothering you with your fiance & father of your child.

If you've already done that rather than just discussing his thoughts on it (which is how I read the OP), then yeah, the discussion may be more around how to better accept it, but I don't think it's unreasonable to talk about your feelings on this with him.

aSofaNearYou · 23/08/2022 13:54

I don't think you would be unreasonable to be honest with you about how much it's bothering you.

This is exactly why getting something like that is such a terrible idea in the first place.

anotherpotoftea · 23/08/2022 14:00

YABU to say he’s afraid of the pain - laser treatment hurts less than having a tattoo.

It is, however, expensive. And takes years.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 23/08/2022 14:00

3ShotsOfEspresso · 23/08/2022 11:54

Pointless comment. Nice of you to come on the thread just to demonstrate how nasty you are. Hope all your kids get face tattoos. X

Show quote history

Ooh, touchy much? If you actually read the post properly you would see that the poster said it was his choice.

I agree with her fwiw, I hate tattoos of any sort and wouldn’t want to be seen in a relationship with someone who had them. But ultimately some people like them, and some people choose to have names or dates or whatever tattooed on to them, and that is their prerogative.

The OP can ask if he would remove it, but if he doesn’t want to that’s up to him. It’s then up to the OP whether she wants to stay in a relationship with a man who has the name of his ex wife and another man’s children tattooed on him.

Marvellousmadness · 23/08/2022 14:01

Are you that insecure?its just ink
That's literally it

I've got tattooes that I've had for decades that i forget i have. ...

But yeah dunnow really. Its his body
His choice
Telling him to remove it might not end well. Just explain how it makes you feel and leave it at that.

Its just names op.

pinkyredrose · 23/08/2022 14:06

MrsReeves · 23/08/2022 12:26

Change your name and name any future kids from the tattoo. Problem solved 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lol!

Seriously though Op, as him how he'd feel if it was you with a similar tattoo? Would he consider having a cover up?

PinkiOcelot · 23/08/2022 17:17

I wouldn’t like it either and I don’t believe all those saying that you’re unreasonable would if it were their partner.
I would be asking him if he’d like it if you had an exes name tattooed on your body.

TeapotTitties · 23/08/2022 17:21

I’m sure if I told him how much it’s bothering me then he would do something about it.

I voted YABU because of this ^^

You've basically already told him how much it bothers you and he doesn't want to remove it.

IKnowAPlace · 23/08/2022 17:28

It would bother me, not enough to damage the relationship though.

How big is it?

madasawethen · 23/08/2022 17:32

How big is the tattoo?

jellybaby769 · 23/08/2022 17:35

Hey op,
Congratulations on your engagement and pregnancy, how exciting! I agree with a previous poster - pregnancy hormones can make you a bit crazy which could be why you’re a bit more sensitive about it right now? When did you last speak to your DH about the tattoo? If it was at the beginning of the relationship maybe it’s time to bring it up again? He might feel differently now you’re raising a family together. Have you actually told him it’s bothering you? He might not even realise! I know what my DH can be like! If you can go through pregnancy and the pain of child birth, I’m sure he can manage a few lasers or needles!!

catinboots123 · 23/08/2022 17:35

Meh. I couldn't get worked up about it.

My H had "Pete 4 Clare" in a heart on his arm. Got it done at 17. Just used to make me laugh at how shit it was and sometimes I would write my name over Clare's with a sharpie for the lols

He's mid 50s now and it's still there.

(Names changed obvs but think similar 70s crap names)

PrettyIndigo · 23/08/2022 17:40

Is it a portrait of her her face or just her name? I could understand not wanting her face staring at you but if it's just names I could get over it

girlmom21 · 23/08/2022 17:44

Get him some tattoo studio vouchers for his birthday

pizzapastalover · 23/08/2022 17:56

My DH used to have a tattoo of his ex-wife’s name but on his arm. He had laser removal, 6 sessions, 6 weeks apart and you can’t tell it was even there! I think it was just under £400. There was a 20% sale on at the time. He had it done at our local Sk:n clinic.

Oh, and he said it hurt less than the tattoo and was over a lot quicker!!

Maybe you could scale back on the wedding and use some money towards the removal! Good luck

NewTattoo · 23/08/2022 18:07

I feel for you, OP, I really do, having to look at it all the time!
My son had a tattoo at fifteen - then he wanted it incorporated into more of a ‘sleeve’ when he was a few years older…I can still see the original one underneath, even though he’s now 37. I think , as a PP said, even if your DH had it covered over, you will know what’s underneath and still ‘see’ it, as I do with my sons inking.
Sorry, seems like you’re stuck with it.💐

Grapewrath · 23/08/2022 18:11

Yabu
Removal or cover will be costly and painful. If it doesn’t bother him why put him through it? It’s just a shit tattoo and it’s part of his history, not his present

MistyRock · 23/08/2022 18:13

I honestly cannot believe the amount of people that wouldn't be bothered about this! I'm amazed. I'd bloody hate it.

Testina · 23/08/2022 18:14

leopardfish · 23/08/2022 10:36

Thank you everyone for your replies!

Obviously I’m not going to force him to cover it up / remove it, I was just wondering if it was too much to ask? I will stay with him either way because I love him. It doesn’t bother me that he was married before, I just can’t help feel a little sad when I’m lying next to him and that’s all I can see. I’m pregnant and already wondering what to explain to little one when they’re old enough to read. Maybe I’m thinking too much into it

Seriously?
”Daddy was married before, a long time ago, to another woman. She had some children. For their wedding day as a surprise he had a tattoo does with their names. It’s like a history of his life on there.”
How hard is that?
And why on Earth was it “awkward” to explain to your family.
Just say outright that you don’t like seeing another woman’s name - fine. But you sound ridiculous talking about your family and your future child.

Grapewrath · 23/08/2022 18:16

My dp has actually got a really shit tattoo and it was fine while his ex was with him and had sentimental value to them both. It’s like a horrible smudged shape. It’s also on his back- I’ve explained to the dc he got it for his ex and we all take the piss out of him now haha. I’ve never thought about asking him to have it covered! Granted it’s not a name but it’s along the same lines

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