Finding it hard to stay in touch with best friend who previously distanced herself

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There are all kinds of friendships and friendships also change.

I had a bestish friend for many years and for one reason or another, she distanced herself form me a few years ago. She was going through a lot in her life and there wasn't space for our friendship anymore for her.

I was pretty hurt, for a long time. I never made any drama about it or let her know. But it was painful for a very long time.

The way I saw it, she kept in touch with certain friends, but somehow not with me.

In any case, she does occasionally reach out. I so wish I could just go along with the friendship this way, but I guess I'm still hurt.

I have friends who I hear from only once in a while and it's not an issue, but because of the sudden shift in friendship and because it didn't naturally drift - I think I still feel hurt by it and would rather just not be in touch at all. I wish I could get past it though.

Has anyone else eventually got past a situation like this ? My ideal would be that it just wouldn't bother me at all and I could be breezy about it. I think I'm still upset because I didn't really understand it I guess. And it seems like she was fine keeping in touch with other people, but not me. So I took it personally. I spent a long time trying to work out what I did wrong.

I don't have any wise words op as I am pretty much in the situation and it has made me very sad too. For now I have distanced myself as it was best for me psychologically. A big hug for you as this sucks big time.

I think it will be hard to continue this friendship now this has happened. It will always be the elephant in the room . Why has she now started reaching out when she drifted away previously. The thing about keeping in touch with others and not you is hurtful , it's not like she had a health crisis and severed contact with everyone just you and that's difficult .
Friendships do change over the years and I'd probably let this one slide if I'm honest .

I'm sorry to hear that. All I can say that it really does get better with time.

I actually don't think about it often anymore at all. It just kind of crops up again when I hear from her usually.

But it was really painful for a long time.

I think you need to have an open conversation with her about it. It seems like your desire to come accross unbothered by it is getting in the way of you sharing your feelings about it and potential repairing the damage. The friendship might not survive the talk but it definitely won't if you don't have the talk.

She does it occasionally. Reaches out maybe 1-3 times a year and then doesn't really share much or stops replying. Shell say ' how are you ? ' ' I'll say yeah good etc ' ' what's new with you ? ' and then she'll stop replying... So what's the point ?might just not reply at all next time.

I had something very similar a few years ago. We worked together too which made it really awkward & extremely hard to put on a brave face. I knew if I confronted her there would be a lot of drama & I didn't want that at work.
In absolute fairness she did have a great deal going on & wasn't great at dealing with stuff but the way she cut me off was absolutely brutal & I do understand the hurt.
I had no choice but to be polite & breezy when I saw her although she'd do her best to ignore me while making a big deal of others.
This went on for about 8 months & I worked on my friendships with other people which was a really good thing.
Eventually she started to speak properly to me again & hinted at drinks etc. I ignored all the hints for another 6 months but eventually we did meet & it was ok.
Now we're casual friends which is better with work, very occasional meet ups outside work which are always enjoyable but not essential to my life.
Looking back I CAN see the reasoning behind her going quiet but it was very unfair.
Sorry, thats long but my advice is to back off, be friendly & let her come to you. Then you can decide if you want to move forward with the friendship.
Worth mentioning that the new friendships I worked on are more important to me now.
Good luck.

The thing is, I'm almost certain that I did something or she had some sort of revelation about me, which caused her to no longer want me in her life.

She must have decided for herself that it was so big, that it was a deal breaker for her. Otherwise she would have spoken to me about it.

She was basically done.

I don't think people just distance themselves without some trigger or revelation about you / the friendship.

It sounds like your not benefiting from this friendship. If it's just a few messages a year I think I'd stop replying. I had a similar experience with my two closest friends the friendship gradually dissolved. I do still see them a few times a year and we talk every now and then but it's more like a reunion than a friendship. I've learnt to accept it for what it is.

I would just politely reply to her messages but offer no more information on what is going on with me and my life. I wouldn't get too close just in case she decided to drop me again. The trust would be gone.

In your situation I would read her bi/tri-annual messages and scroll on.
It looks like she has no intention of being a friend to you but likes to make sure that you are still there for her. Stop responding.

You have two options - one, bring it up with her, two, let her go.. The first might lead to the second but at least you'll have got everything off your chest.. You could do the 'write a letter and don't send it' but ultimately don't let yourself be in the hurt xx

Normally I would say remain cordial because sometimes friendships come around in time.

But if she is contacting you very occasionally just to check you are still available for friendship, and then blanking you again, I would not let that continue. Probably the sensible thing would be just not to reply to her next message, but if you still value the friendship (even for old times sake) you could say "It's good to hear from you! But is this going to be like all the times I've replied and then you disappear again? Hope everything is ok with you."

If you want to continue and resolve it then you need to have a conversation with her about it. I have recently dropped a longterm friendship as I felt it was one sided for a long time and I couldn't bring myself to talk to her about it.

I’m in this situation and have stopped reaching out. I’m due to attend her wedding but think I’ll pull out of this as it doesn’t seem right. I don’t know her life now, hardly know her partner and we rarely talk, it’s been almost 6 months since our last chat. We’ve just drifted, it hurts but she pulled away. She lived away and replaced me, I was no longer needed and it’s hurt but I’m coming to terms with it. I’ve done nothing wrong, not upset her and always been available but she drifted. You have to realise this and if you’ve tried and it wasn’t successful just wait for them to come back to you. If they’re a good friend they will

I had this, was hurt but my friend reached out and we did build it all back up. Kids reconnected.

About 1.5 years later she did it again! She’s reached out since but I really have lost patience and I have actually not kept contact. She does it on a cycle to different people I seem to have worked out, rather than it being a me issue. Others she kept in contact with were dropped at times I wasn’t. I appreciate she may have a problem, but it’s too much for us emotionally. I wish her well, but I can’t let the kids have a third time going through losing friends.

My friend has also previously done it to other friends and also to me before..

I couldn't get it past it

rightly or wrongly, it feels that you love them so much more than they love you, it's unbalanced, and unbalanced relationships don't work for me.

It's a weird one isn't it. I'm fine with this kind of lose friendship with some people. But I find it hard not to feel hurt by what's happened in this case. Because it feels like it was stopped somehow and I don't really know what I did.

This happened to me, I'd advise you have an open conversation about it because it can be very healing. But then accept that the relationship has changed - whether you choose to try and continue being friends or not is up to you but again communicate it clearly rather than essentially ghosting her. Then at least if you break off the friendship you won't be receiving their random texts and debating as to whether you should reply or not

OK, it's not the same, but it's similar.

My closest friend from school didn't pick me as a bridesmaid. All of our friends and even her mum were pretty shocked by that, and the way she acted was very defensive/low key - she didn't tell me, another friend had to force it into the open. Privately, a few people spontaneously approached me and told me that they thought she'd treated me badly.

But I wasn't entitled to be her bridesmaid, one of her actual bridesmaids treated her badly, and I swallowed it down and things cooled a little.

But now we're back on track. I had a really tough time last year and she was the person who, more than anyone, got exactly what help I needed and gave it to me. Everyone else, even my husband, gave support that wasn't quite what I needed. I have another close friend who was well-meaningly AWFUL at supporting me. She managed to say the wrong thing absolutely every time bless her, with the best of intentions.

It reminded me of these words of advice I had during the bridesmaid situation:

"Her wedding is just one point on the continuum of your friendship. In ten years, it will be a dot on the horizon. There will be times when you are close, and others when you're less close, and the wedding is just a single point."

The point being - a person can't always be the same level of friend/lover/parent to you. Sometimes they have their own things going on, and sometimes they just aren't the right person for that moment. But the important ones will always come and go.

OP you say she was going through a lot at the time, was there something specific or was she just feeling overwhelmed? You also say she reached out to other friends but not you, so do you think it's that she purposefully avoided you?

The thing is, you don't have to keep up the friendship if it doesn't suit you, especially if you get the feeling she has something against you that she won't just come out and say so you can clear the air. Only you really know if it is worth it to carry on the friendship with her, maybe you could sit down and tell her you are hurt because of what she did.

Sometimes friendships just fade out, for whatever reason, kids, life changes etc.

I'm sort of in your friends situation right now - dealing with trying to care for a father with advanced dementia and a mother who is in and out of hospital with various ailments. For the last while me and my sister's lives have been put on hold just coping with the day to day of our parents, it's exhausting and overwhelming at times, and really hard to explain to people not in the thick of it.
Most of my friend's parents are a decade or so younger than mine, and are enjoying their retirement, in good health etc. So I've definitely been a shit friend for the last few months, haven't kept in touch that often, haven't had much to say when I do and have had to cancel a few times at the last minute (when another crisis with the parents came up). I have tried to explain, and my friends have been good at listening at times, but I don't want to unload on them, and would totally understand if they moved on with other friendships, as I'm just not as available mentally or emotionally for the time being. Maybe the friendships won't last through this, I will just have to deal with that when the time comes.

She does it occasionally. Reaches out maybe 1-3 times a year and then doesn't really share much or stops replying. Shell say ' how are you ? ' ' I'll say yeah good etc ' ' what's new with you ? ' and then she'll stop replying... So what's the point ?might just not reply at all next time.

YABU to even respond. She is keeping you dangling you on a hook. Either confront her head one 'just ask why do you text me ask how I am and then never respond to me?' That will tell you're on to her.

Alternatively, just block and delete. You will feel much better for being decisive, rather than someone who just takes it.

I'm sorry to hear about your parents. That must be very difficult to deal with.

I bet your friends wouldn't mind if you wanted to talk to them about it sometimes. I know I absolutely wouldn't have minded talking to my friend through her troubles at the time. I did support her hugely through the beginning phases of her issues, but then she pulled away and started only seeing certain friends and I wasn't included in the people she wanted to see and spend time with.

I think your friends will be there for you when you're ready. Especially if you explain a little bit that you just don't have the bandwidth, as you're dealing with a lot.

Then when you do get back in touch, if you actually make a little bit of effort, they'll be so happy to hear from you and see you. With my friend the issue is that she very occasionally does get back in touch, but makes absolutely no effort anyway, so what's the point then. I would open her with open arms if she actually made any proper effort to want to see me.

All the best to you and your parents.

That was meant to say 'welcome her with open arms' - not 'open her with open arms '...

OP, I would think it's hard to NOT take it personally & feel hurt. I would just disappear from her life, tbh..