AIBU to feel sad that our ex DIL is getting married today?

[ClaphamLane]

Very mixed feelings, of course she deserves to be happy, but can't help that sense of sadness.

I felt this way when one of DBro's exes got married and had a gorgeous baby. They are on good terms and of course I love his wife, but there is always a wistful sense of "what might have been" with the ex since we all loved her too.

Are you in a position to send your ex DIL a card and a gift wishing her all the best, without causing ructions?

Completely understandable. How long ago did she become your ex DIL? Does she have kids with your DS?

No, we won't interfere by sending on a gift or card. Sadly, I'm not sure she would want that.

I had made contact to let her know some family news that was important to our grandaughter. DIL asked a favour ‘ to happen before the wedding’ and I asked if it was her wedding which she confirmed.

I think there really is no harm in sending a gift or a small card.

Although it does depend on why they split!

No a gift or card wouldn't be appropriate.

Yes, a grand daughter. We don't see her though but are trying to build a relationship that is stable and consistent. It isn't fair to be in and out of her five year old life. ☹️

Of course it's mixed feelings.

You know full well that people move on, but there's still a further sense of finality, and another nail in the coffin of all the hopes and promises of the first marriage.

I wouldn't have my ex back for all the tea in China, but still got rather wistful when one of his new girlfriends got serious enough to meet the DC. It's not logical, it's just a delayed sense of loss. Normal.

I'd send a card if she is the mother of your DGC. Leave it be if not.

Why did they split? Why can't you see your granddaughter?

Presumably she is your son’s daughter. It’s not unreasonable to be able to see her regularly unless there are some reasons around that that we don’t know.
you can go to court I believe to be able to see grandchildren I think.

This ^

There could be circumstances where I wouldn’t have any sympathy from someone feeling sad that their Dil has moved on

Not saying that is the case. But the back story, especially if you can’t send a card or present, is relevant

There's no such thing as grandparents rights to contact, court won't get anyone very far, especially if the op wants to maintain any good will with the ex dil. Talk about a nuclear option!

Does your DS see his child?

You don't mention your son, or why you don't see your granddaughter, or why it wouldn't be appropriate to send a card or gift

I'm guessing there's more to this story

You can't, thankfully, and the op sounds quite reasonable. This is awful advice. Don't take her to court.

If you want to be active grandparents she ought to be facilitating the relationship with you on behalf of this sweet little girl (and not just thinking about herself and starting new relationships). Grandparents are so important.

Disagree completely @Mariposista

That would be their sons job. Reading between the lines he has fucked off and is NC with his own child which has made things really difficult for the OP

Sympathies OP. I hope things change for you and you are able to be a meaningful part of your DGDs life

When my ex dil had an abortion it was me she came to for support (not ds's). She entered a better relationship than that and had another dc... We stopped keeping in touch. A great shame..

Sorry, this is derailing a bit, but grandparents can indeed apply to the courts for permission to gain access to their grandchildren. However, it will usually only be considered if the grandparents already have a firmly established, positive relationship with the children, and they have been a regular part of the children’s routine (provided weekly childcare etc).

The point is, there is no default legal right, and it is very difficult to prove an established relationship to the point of the courts wanting to get involved. As I said - nuclear option.

If a son has contact with his child then he should be the one to determine how often his parents see the child not the mother, she has no more rights than a father to decide who see the child.

I hope your son wasn't the reason they split

Yes, sadly so much more.

DS is not an innocent party, but neither is ex DIL. Very quick, complicated marriage between two people who shouldn't have been together. A disaster for all concerned.
DIL has prevented DS access to his child and frustrated court orders. DS has also moved on too quickly and has another baby and step children. It is a mess. DS doesn't have access yet.

We maintained contact with DGD where we could, we also waited to do the right thing, as the court process unfolded, thinking we would see DGD through DS. Of course that hasn't happened yet.

DIL has picked up contact and dropped it as suited. We haven't seen our DGD for two years. We have sent cards and presents as appropriate, sometimes we get a response, sometimes not. We feel disposable.

It is hard to see our DGD slip away from us with her mum. See her join another family. Difficult, knowing all of the trauma over the past 5 years, to see a huge, very, very lovely wedding and not feel sad.
A tinge of how well DIL has come out if this, a worry about being written out of our DGD’s life. She is, after all, our flesh and blood too.
Some empathy for our ex DIL, as I remarried too. We all deserve to be with the love of our lives.

I'm musing and mulling, I suppose.

Can I just say my eldest biological father has no contact and never paid any maintainance.

if his parents had asked to see their gd I would if said yes.

if my own child had a child and had no contact I would still try and offer what I could do to support that child.

my friends son is a total bastard he has a child. My friend has limited contact with her son - he has been in and out of prison. But she talks to her grandchild all the time and the mum. Mum is remarried and my friend lives abroad but mum new husband and child all go for holidays she pays for. Mums only condition has been photos etc and info is not passed to son which my friend follows to the letter. If son wants contact etc he must go through mum of child - and he doesn’t.

i don’t know the circumstances. But please if you can have a relationship with your ex dil her new husband and the child. Through a neutral third party or whatever.

please Try if you are stable and loving and able to do so

Seen your post.

could you write a heart felt letter just saying
‘a huge congratulations on your wedding. I’m absolutely delighted for you. Enclosed is a small gift for you both. Independent of the situation with x’s father we would love to be involved with x’s life. We would like to be consistent, stable and loving grandparents and emergency contacts for your if and when you need us.
life moves forward and we wish you all nothing but happiness.

lot of love
us
x

can it do any harm? I’m surprised your son has had no access for 2 years ? Are they reasons that he is not telling you about?

I don’t wish to stir the pot. But my ex told his parents I was an evil witch etc but the reality - as they write me nasty letters was that he wasn’t paying CMS and wasn’t showing up for contact

So your son hasn't seen his child for two years either?

Must be a lot more to the story. I don't know any father who has not seen their child in that long, unless there is a reason, or they are not bothered about sorting out access. In both cases, I can sort of see why her mum is reluctant to maintain a relationship with you. Especially if you think it would inappropriate to send her a simple card wishing her well. There must be a lot more to this story.