AIBU to feel sad that our ex DIL is getting married today?

[ClaphamLane]

Very mixed feelings, of course she deserves to be happy, but can't help that sense of sadness.

Yes. Reread your last post. You've slagged off your ex DIL and her family. You've accused ex DIL of using her daughter as a "pawn". It would be interesting to hear ex DIL side of the story. Assuming that she has raised her daughter with no financial or parenting input from your son for at least two years, because he is "too scared" to try and get contact with his own daughter. Or can't be bothered.

If I were you, I would ask for this thread to be deleted, and try talking to you ex DIL as an adult.

If she reads this thread and recognises herself, she's hardly likely to think "oh fair enough, what an objective overview of the situation" - she's more than likely going to be quite pissed off.

To be honest op, you last post (basically) reads

‘everyone else has behaved badly. Her and her family have behaved badly. Ex dil is using her child. Ds didn’t behave the best he is at fault but isn’t ‘able’ to fight anymore. And we have behaved brilliantly and kept out of all the trouble and not taken sides and are the ones being punished’.

Everyone behaved badly, except you? And yet you seem to have accepted your sons behaviour. the equivalent of ‘that’s not good, son, well let’s move on’

This is your aide, which is fair enough. But the language about your son is very different. Not ‘able to fight because he is worried about his job and new family’. That’s very different to the tone of the words used about your dil.

You make it sound like your son can’t do anything now. He made a couple of poor decisions but there’s no going back.

Dils concern for her dd, is her using the child as a weapon.

Your son moved on and couldn’t be arsed fighting because it will disrupt his life too much. Would you have accepted not seeing your ds as a child, at all, because it would disrupt your job?

Did you feel this level of sadness when you son remarried and had another baby, without sorting the situation with his first child out?

The way it’s written, to me, is like you are painting a picture of someone who is failing to understand what Dils point of view is, or disbelieve she has concerns at all and just pushing the blame her way. Putting a little on your son so you can’t be accused of being biased and turning a blind eye to the actual issues.

Things must be very bad between you if, you can’t even send a card. And I doubt it’s because you behaved too well.

I suspect, her version is very different. And as your posts have gone on, it does read as you slagging her off to me

@Andromachehadabadday @SaggyBlinders

I think your comments are unfair. This post was about my Ex DiL not DS, so I've not added much information about him.

Assuming that she has raised her daughter with no financial or parenting input from your son for at least two years,
He has paid maintenance throughout.

And yet you seem to have accepted your sons behaviour. the equivalent of ‘that’s not good, son, well let’s move on’
Nope, we were disgusted with his choice, how quickly he moved on without thinking of the consequences for his DD, how he hadn't learnt any lessons from his first quick marriage and baby, how he hasn't addressed the damage caused in our family. We've held him to account for all of this, resulting in no contact and very low contact. As parents we tried to advise. He is a grown adult, he doesn't have to accept and act on our advice. I'm not sure what more we can do. Us holding him to account, of course, means we don't see his new DS ( our DGS) either!

Would you have accepted not seeing your ds as a child, at all, because it would disrupt your job?
Never and neither should. As above - he is a grown adult as is ex DiL, they have both made their own decisions in this. We haven't been involved. I will also add, that as a single parent, with a very difficult ex, I never stopped them from having a relationship with their dad.

Did you feel this level of sadness when you son remarried and had another baby, without sorting the situation with his first child out?
Absolutely and more, upset, angry, difficult conversations with him as we held him to account. As you know from above, resulting in no contact and now very occasional contact (texts occasionally). He didn't ask us to the wedding.

Advice about what else we can, should do is appreciated because at the minute we have very little contact with either of the adults and both DGC’s involved in this mess.

I really feel for you. You're losing out on seeing both GC because of your DS's selfish, unthinking behaviour.

You sound like a lovely, sensible person, and I hope you manage to come to some sort of resolution.

You may think my post is ‘unfair’ but as I said (several times) that’s how your posts read to me. All (apart from the last one) centering blame on her and her family, with a little bit on your ds. But still painting him as her victim. And no blame on your part in any of this. Even though you paint her as the villain. She will know that’s how you see her.

@Andromachehadabadday ‘And no blame on your part in any of this.’

What am I to be blamed for? What did I do in this difficult situation? Enlighten me Andro, please.