AIBU to feel sad that our ex DIL is getting married today?

[ClaphamLane]

Very mixed feelings, of course she deserves to be happy, but can't help that sense of sadness.

The OP has acknowledged there is more to it. This isn't about her son, who is an adult who she doesn't control. This is about her feelings as a grandmother. Have a heart.

Wishing you the best OP

My DC had virtually no contact with their father for around 4 years because they don’t get on with his partner or SDC. It never occurred to me to stop their grandparents on their dad’s side who are lovely people, seeing him, even going so far as to travel to theirs to drop them off for weekend stays etc.

One day my MIL said that I could so easily have stopped her from seeing the DC and she was grateful for the fact I didn’t. it had never occurred to me to do so.

But there are an awful lot of posts on here from people who say that an ex DIL shouldn’t be giving up any of her time with the DC to allow them to see their paternal grandparents and that this should all happen on the father’s time. But assuming they’re not abusive people, the only people anyone are hurting by doing that is the children.

Can I say, you have my heartfelt sympathy. You sound so wistful and sad and I hope you find a way to regain meaningful regular contact with your grandchild.

Op, you sound so sad and I’m wondering if contacting your DIL and wearing your heart on your sleeve regarding this sad situation would maybe result in you seeing your granddaughter.

Were you meant to say their so should be facilitating access with his parents? I mean FFS why do women have to do the wifework even when they’re someone else’s wife now!

Oh behave. It’s on the child father to facilitate a relationship with his parents.

That was in reply to @Mariposista

I really hope you get to see your granddaughter soon. Yanbu 💐

I’m sorry you are feeling this way, of course you are not being unreasonable. I don’t know how your relationship with DS is and nor do I need to, I’m just sorry that this situation between two people means you and your DGD can’t have that time together right now. I hope in time this changes 💐

Op send a card, wish them well, ask for some photos of DGD.

What's the worse thing that can happen, she's say no or ignores you.

I'm so sorry OP. It sounds like a very sad situation.

You sound like a kind & caring person, trying to be reasonable.

Is there really nothing further you can do to re-establish contact with DGD?

I think you could send a friendly card "Congratulations on your wedding. Hope you have a wonderful day"

And try to develop a relationship with granddaughter that doesn't involve your son. Leave him out of it. She's 5 years old and you haven't seen her for 2 years. That's a long time for a child

It's unclear whether you have made an effort to maintain contact, or have sat back and blamed ex DIL for not facilitating it. But it's never too late to improve a situation. Perhaps you could ask to take her out for a cake at a local cafe (and reassure ex DIL that your son won't be present, as you wish to develop your own relationship with the child)

What was the favour she wanted?

I would keep a card and good wishes for the future separate to messages about contact.
Just Wish your xdil and her new DH happiness in their future together.

@StrawberryQuartz Did you even read the post, the son hasn't had access for years so is on the mother to let her child see her grandmother, have a heart, i hate hearing these stories, women holding all the cards and even though it is best for the child to have lots of family to love her they withhold access, its horrible and hope the OP gets sorted. My aunt went to court, her son wasnt interested in his daughter so mother stopped my aunt seeing her, even though she had been around since baby was born till she was 6, she got access every second sunday for two hours. Its worth fighting for.

I love what @Hopeandlove proposed. I send that letter

I think your son needs to learn how to use condoms.

@fairycakes1234 yes I did read the post. It’s all too easy to villainize the Mother, the son is clearly a waste of space whose has shirked his responsibility but never mind as that doesn’t fit the narrative.

My sympathies are with you OP. I have something similar going on in my family and it's truly heartbreaking.

For those who are talking about court for grandparents, it's not that straightforward. If the childs mother doesn't want the grandparents involved then she pretty much holds all the cards. If there's no access then there's no relationship and the child will always side with their mother (of course). Court sometimes is only an option if the children are very young. It's a complicated situation but ultimately the child misses out.

I hope you can build some sort of a relationship with your DGD OP x

Thank you for your range of responses - all read and considered.

This will be a slow process if we are to rebuild a relationship. We don't live nearby, nearly 4 hours away, so contact was always going to be more limited.

DS has been an a*se, ex DiL too - and her family haven't helped the situation, interfering, clingy. DS should never have married.
Ex DiL has her own issues too. DGD is the pawn. Ex DiL maintains she has to keep DGD away from her daddy, for DGD’s mental health. I'm not so sure, attachment/abandonment are pretty damaging.

We have had some contact, a visit out with Ex DiL and DGD, when we took them both to a children’s show at the theatre. It was just before lockdown. We always send presents and cards, we sometimes receive a message that they have arrived, sometimes I have to ask, sometimes we get a thank you, sometimes nothiing.

Ex DiL assumed that we would ‘take DS’s side’ - we haven't, we expect decent adult behaviour, who ever that adult is. We’ve kept out of the disagreements and have no information about the court case. A generalisation is DS has behaved badly, giving Ex DiL some events to dramatise. DS, it seems, is too scared of the effects, financially, on his job and on his new family to be able to fight much more. He should have behaved himself and then on Divircing put DGD first, establishing/ fighting for contact before having a child and marrying someone else. Talk about rushing in!

Ex DiL is in touch sometimes, then we are blocked at other times from SM, mobile access etc. No reasons given. We have only just been able to share with her that we have very limited contact with DS, something she had assumed otherwise.
Newly married she will be moving house. We are in her hands as to whether we will have a new address.
If we can pick up contact again, I'm really feel we need a commitment from Ex DiL so that DGD isn't repeatedly let down. It must be awful for her - ‘ I see my grandparents...then I don't’ . Even if it was minimal but agreed and consistently carried out, at least DGD would be secure in that.

More mulling, I'm afraid!

I think send a card to ex-Dil shoe willing.

Then talk adult to adult with her, you'd like to see your DGD but are worried about contact being stopped again and don't want to yo-yo in and out the child's life.

4hrs isn't exactly easy to manage, that's an 8hr round trip, work out what is possible, two or three long weekends per year, collecting her afterschool on a Friday bringing her back on a Monday.

I think you need to use the card to open communication with ex dil.

Show not shoe - duh!

I think writing her a nice letter, saying what you've said here can't make the situation any worse...

It's definitely a better idea than slagging her off on mumsnet.

Slagging her off - do my posts read as a slagging off? @SaggyBlinders

I hoped I was being quite objective in the issues and circumstances of DS & EX DiL.
It would be really difficult to follow PP’ advice and write to her, if communicating as I have above, would be taken as a ‘slagging off’.