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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting friend to bring her kids to visit?

57 replies

AutumnSquash · 22/08/2022 14:56

I recently moved to a new city, several hours away from friends.

My friend says she will visit for a few nights and will bring the kids, just her and the kids. The kids’ dad and her are married, but he’s not very sociable so doesn’t tend to come along to things. Kids are 2 and 5, lovely kids but like a lot of kids quite hyper.

I want to see her and it’s nice she’s offered to travel her but…..AIBU for not wanting to host her and the kids?

My reasons are:


  1. Just did up our new place so don’t want things to get trashed

  2. We live in a upper floor flat so no direct access to garden which makes it more difficult to keep the children entertained

  3. It’s not a kid-friendly flat so also would be worried they’d hurt themselves

  4. It’s not much of a catch up with friend of kids are there - especially if it’s just her and not her husband coming (if there were two parents around the kids would be easier to manage and the husband could eg stay in for an eve when we go out for drinks)

  5. Would have to plan meals around kids etc so feels like extra work for me hosting - when I have adult friends over I know they’ll either eat what I eat or we’ll go out in the evenings.

  6. With children assume we’ll have to be indoors a lot more as we won’t be out in the evenings so again extra pressure to find things to do to entertain them.


I wish she would just come by herself and leave the children with her husband. Or not come at all - I’m back in my home city regularly so would prefer just to catch up then. But a long weekend with children around is not going to be much fun for anyone.

So AIBU?

If not - how do I politely decline her offer of visiting with children?!

OP posts:
Onlyforcake · 22/08/2022 14:58

Just tell her, as you say, you'd rather she doesn't come at all. Obviously you're not that into her.

Watchthesunrise · 22/08/2022 14:59

Just be honest with her and say what you've said here. Then offer to go see her instead.

Dancingwithhyenas · 22/08/2022 15:00

You could reply “that’s so kind of you to offer to come but my flat is really rubbish for kids. They’d be bored stiff. Lets meet up when I’m back instead. Are you free on xxxx? Miss you!”

Chamomileteaplease · 22/08/2022 15:01

Yeah be honest; say that if she is going to come for a night or weekend then you would rather it was a proper catch-up adult weekend. You can throw in about your flat not being very child friendly but I don't think you need to.

Original poster
AutumnSquash · 22/08/2022 15:01

Onlyforcake · 22/08/2022 14:58

Just tell her, as you say, you'd rather she doesn't come at all. Obviously you're not that into her.

It’s not that I’m not into her. It’s just that I don’t want to host children.

OP posts:
Thehop · 22/08/2022 15:02

“Ah thanks for the offer but it’s not really a flat for children to visit. Even if it was, I’m way too precious about it to manage kids visiting, no matter how lovely! Let’s catch up when I’m back home or you let me know when you can leave kids with dad and escape for a night out”

waterrat · 22/08/2022 15:02

Be very clear. Say you would rather get to relax properly with her so you will wait snd visit her when she is in her own home etc.

Original poster
AutumnSquash · 22/08/2022 15:02

Dancingwithhyenas · 22/08/2022 15:00

You could reply “that’s so kind of you to offer to come but my flat is really rubbish for kids. They’d be bored stiff. Lets meet up when I’m back instead. Are you free on xxxx? Miss you!”

Yes this sounds good and straightforward. I don’t mind her visiting but would dread having children over.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 22/08/2022 15:02

I can't wait to see you, unfortunately the flat is not child friendly. Let me know when you can come on your own.

Don't elaborate, or she'll try and change your mind. 'We've decided just to have one visitor at once' might work?

waterrat · 22/08/2022 15:03

As a parent myself i agree that sounds completely tedious. I have alwsys avoided bringing my kids to see friends unless other kids would be there.

Original poster
AutumnSquash · 22/08/2022 15:04

forrestgreen · 22/08/2022 15:02

I can't wait to see you, unfortunately the flat is not child friendly. Let me know when you can come on your own.

Don't elaborate, or she'll try and change your mind. 'We've decided just to have one visitor at once' might work?

Yes this is a good response too. I’d like to have her over as I can then show her round my new city - go out and have fun. I don’t want to have children over, it’s a completely different dynamic.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 22/08/2022 15:05

Thehop · 22/08/2022 15:02

“Ah thanks for the offer but it’s not really a flat for children to visit. Even if it was, I’m way too precious about it to manage kids visiting, no matter how lovely! Let’s catch up when I’m back home or you let me know when you can leave kids with dad and escape for a night out”

Oooo was that meant to be as stingy as it reads? 'Too precious' ....🤨

EthicalNonMahogany · 22/08/2022 15:11

She might not be able to leave them with partners, you never know he might be awful/rubbish. I'd make sure it's not her only way of socialising before I turned her down. She is probably trying to continue the friendship with you, despite having lots of conflicting priorities - which often people without children want their friends to do - so it might be worth thinking if you could bear it for a night.

She won't bring them and assume you'll entertain them all at home. She'll say something like shall we all go to the zoo, or whatever, then they can come home, watch your TV, eat an egg sandwich, go to bed. You might get to talk to your friend with some wine in the evening or might need to chat to her while you go round zoo or park. Can't see the problem really.

EthicalNonMahogany · 22/08/2022 15:12

And pp earlier poster, it is precious!

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 15:18

Watchthesunrise · 22/08/2022 14:59

Just be honest with her and say what you've said here. Then offer to go see her instead.

Don't say all that!

doilookremotelyinterested · 22/08/2022 15:19

'Why don't we just make it you visiting and not the kids - that way we can have a proper adult catch up, and besides, I don't think my flat is at all child-friendly so I'd be on pins the whole time worrying about them hurting themselves. And we can have whole family catch up next time I'm back home...'

Mumspair1 · 22/08/2022 15:21

Well tbh at those ages I wouldn't leave my kids for a few days either. Best to go see her instead.

luckylavender · 22/08/2022 15:23

AutumnSquash · 22/08/2022 14:56

I recently moved to a new city, several hours away from friends.

My friend says she will visit for a few nights and will bring the kids, just her and the kids. The kids’ dad and her are married, but he’s not very sociable so doesn’t tend to come along to things. Kids are 2 and 5, lovely kids but like a lot of kids quite hyper.

I want to see her and it’s nice she’s offered to travel her but…..AIBU for not wanting to host her and the kids?

My reasons are:


  1. Just did up our new place so don’t want things to get trashed

  2. We live in a upper floor flat so no direct access to garden which makes it more difficult to keep the children entertained

  3. It’s not a kid-friendly flat so also would be worried they’d hurt themselves

  4. It’s not much of a catch up with friend of kids are there - especially if it’s just her and not her husband coming (if there were two parents around the kids would be easier to manage and the husband could eg stay in for an eve when we go out for drinks)

  5. Would have to plan meals around kids etc so feels like extra work for me hosting - when I have adult friends over I know they’ll either eat what I eat or we’ll go out in the evenings.

  6. With children assume we’ll have to be indoors a lot more as we won’t be out in the evenings so again extra pressure to find things to do to entertain them.


I wish she would just come by herself and leave the children with her husband. Or not come at all - I’m back in my home city regularly so would prefer just to catch up then. But a long weekend with children around is not going to be much fun for anyone.

So AIBU?

If not - how do I politely decline her offer of visiting with children?!

Just tell her & accept that she probably won't come either.

LoobyDop · 22/08/2022 15:23

Don’t blame you at all. As a general rule, we don’t invite children into our flat because there would be nothing for them to do apart from poke at things and probably break them. Or pester the cat. And we have lots of breakable stuff at child height, and it would be too much hassle to tidy it all away, and too stressful for any adults trying to manage the situation to be worth it.
And as an aside, the parents who immediately agree and say no problem let’s do something else, are the ones who would actually try and manage the kids and find it stressful. The ones who will do a tinkly laugh and say don’t worry it’ll be fine, say that because they don’t give a shit and will happily watch indulgently as their little darlings trash the place.

fairycakes1234 · 22/08/2022 15:23

Onlyforcake · 22/08/2022 14:58

Just tell her, as you say, you'd rather she doesn't come at all. Obviously you're not that into her.

@Onlyforcake what sort of response is that? Did you even read the post....why is she not that into her? I would be exactly the same, wait until you are inivted, dont invite your kids to someones house?

theemmadilemma · 22/08/2022 15:24

Fuck that shit.

Don't use the flat as an excuse, because it's completely the reason, be honest but gentle. 'I was thinking of just the two of us, let me know when you can make it alone?', don't expand.

StaunchMomma · 22/08/2022 15:30

Just tell her your flat is not child friendly and you'd rather not host them at the moment.

As for wanting to see her on her own - I'm afraid that's up to her. You may have to accept that that may not be possible in the way it used to be.

It may sound harsh but I certainly wouldn't give up a weekend with my DS to spend it with a friend. I just wouldn't want to. I love my mates but my kid comes first and family time at weekends is precious.

Maybe she'll decide to still come and stay in an air bnb - then you can spend some time with just her once the kids are in bed?

WonderingMum2 · 22/08/2022 15:31

Your call obviously but you might’nt be able to keep the friendship going on those terms. When mine were small I couldn’t leave them with H (part of way bigger and difficult issues !!) and it was three of us or no one. If I had gone in these circs I would have done something to tire them out all day and then enjoyed dinner with you. But your call

Onlyforcake · 22/08/2022 15:32

I Don not invite myself to anyone's home dear, the OP Literally says she would rather her friend did not come at all. I'm not sure why she wants a POLITE way of saying that?! It sounds as though dhe has moved house and moved on. Fairly standard stuff.

Onlyforcake · 22/08/2022 15:35

@fairycakes1234

It's MY response. The OP literally says shed rather the "friend" didn't come at all.

It's fine, due knows her boundaries. But I'm not dure why a positive spin is needed. Friendships are inevitably temporary.