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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting friend to bring her kids to visit?

57 replies

AutumnSquash · 22/08/2022 14:56

I recently moved to a new city, several hours away from friends.

My friend says she will visit for a few nights and will bring the kids, just her and the kids. The kids’ dad and her are married, but he’s not very sociable so doesn’t tend to come along to things. Kids are 2 and 5, lovely kids but like a lot of kids quite hyper.

I want to see her and it’s nice she’s offered to travel her but…..AIBU for not wanting to host her and the kids?

My reasons are:


  1. Just did up our new place so don’t want things to get trashed

  2. We live in a upper floor flat so no direct access to garden which makes it more difficult to keep the children entertained

  3. It’s not a kid-friendly flat so also would be worried they’d hurt themselves

  4. It’s not much of a catch up with friend of kids are there - especially if it’s just her and not her husband coming (if there were two parents around the kids would be easier to manage and the husband could eg stay in for an eve when we go out for drinks)

  5. Would have to plan meals around kids etc so feels like extra work for me hosting - when I have adult friends over I know they’ll either eat what I eat or we’ll go out in the evenings.

  6. With children assume we’ll have to be indoors a lot more as we won’t be out in the evenings so again extra pressure to find things to do to entertain them.


I wish she would just come by herself and leave the children with her husband. Or not come at all - I’m back in my home city regularly so would prefer just to catch up then. But a long weekend with children around is not going to be much fun for anyone.

So AIBU?

If not - how do I politely decline her offer of visiting with children?!

OP posts:
maddy68 · 22/08/2022 15:36

Honestly is the best policy. Say you are worried about having such young children for a few days as your flat isn't kid friendly. Would you rather she came alone or would she rather you visit her instead?

10HailMarys · 22/08/2022 15:40

My friends with kids generally relish the chance of a child-free weekend once in a while, but equally I'm sure plenty of people don't like being away from their children and that's fair enough. However, totally YANBU to not want to host two small children for overnight stays, regardless of what your place is like! You're right that it would be difficult in a flat for all the reasons you mention, but even if you were in a house with a garden and plenty of space, the entire stay would still revolve entirely around the children. Even if they're extremely well-behaved, at five and two they will naturally need constant supervision and lots of attention.

If your friend is reluctant to leave the children with their dad, then you might find you don't see her much at all, as she might simply not want to come on her own, so be prepared for that, but you are completely reasonable about not wanting her to rock up for a few nights with two kids!

You mention her DH isn't very sociable etc - how well do you know him? Is there a reason she might be worried about leaving the kids with him? Is there any chance he tries to stop her from going anywhere by saying that he won't look after them on his own? I'm not saying you should tell her she can bring the kids to you on that basis, but if she keeps pressing the point home that she would have to bring them, I think I'd perhaps try and get to the bottom of whether she really does find it hard to leave them from an attachment point of view, or whether there is some sort of issue with her DH.

Original poster
AutumnSquash · 22/08/2022 16:00

EthicalNonMahogany · 22/08/2022 15:11

She might not be able to leave them with partners, you never know he might be awful/rubbish. I'd make sure it's not her only way of socialising before I turned her down. She is probably trying to continue the friendship with you, despite having lots of conflicting priorities - which often people without children want their friends to do - so it might be worth thinking if you could bear it for a night.

She won't bring them and assume you'll entertain them all at home. She'll say something like shall we all go to the zoo, or whatever, then they can come home, watch your TV, eat an egg sandwich, go to bed. You might get to talk to your friend with some wine in the evening or might need to chat to her while you go round zoo or park. Can't see the problem really.

She won’t come for a night. It’s about a 6 hour trip each way so it’s like to be 4-5 nights from her phrasing in her messages.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnSquash · 22/08/2022 16:02

StaunchMomma · 22/08/2022 15:30

Just tell her your flat is not child friendly and you'd rather not host them at the moment.

As for wanting to see her on her own - I'm afraid that's up to her. You may have to accept that that may not be possible in the way it used to be.

It may sound harsh but I certainly wouldn't give up a weekend with my DS to spend it with a friend. I just wouldn't want to. I love my mates but my kid comes first and family time at weekends is precious.

Maybe she'll decide to still come and stay in an air bnb - then you can spend some time with just her once the kids are in bed?

Yeah of course @StaunchMomma and I’d never expect her to travel up here/leave the kids! I hadn’t pressurised her to visit and I visit back home every few months so it’s not the only chance to see each other. I would be happy planning to see her when I’m back there, go to her house and see her kids, or go out for an evening near her.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnSquash · 22/08/2022 16:05

EthicalNonMahogany · 22/08/2022 15:12

And pp earlier poster, it is precious!

@EthicalNonMahogany I’m not really precious I don’t think. But I have e.g plenty of stuff at coffee table height, unanchored bookshelves, etc. We also just moved, renovated and bought new furniture. Have plenty of adults over but small kids just seems (a) like something will get damaged or worse (b) they’ll pull something onto themselves/fall/trip and hurt themselves.

OP posts:
SummerWinterSummerWinter · 22/08/2022 16:05

I feel exactly the same - I'd be terrified having kids in my flat as it's frankly a massive safety hazard full of stairs and sharp corners and exposed sockets! I also would not want a friend to bring her kids to visit for that long. I'd be happy to have a friend's non-mobile baby aged kid over for an hour or two but no way for longer, and def not if they were older. You're not being precious, your flat is obviously important to you (which is totally fair enough because it's bloody hard work to get one!)

Original poster
AutumnSquash · 22/08/2022 16:05

maddy68 · 22/08/2022 15:36

Honestly is the best policy. Say you are worried about having such young children for a few days as your flat isn't kid friendly. Would you rather she came alone or would she rather you visit her instead?

Yes I think that’s a nice way of saying it. I don’t want to seem like I don’t want to see her. I’d be happy to visit her or plan something elsewhere with the kids (we’ve previously done group weekends away etc).

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnSquash · 22/08/2022 16:06

SummerWinterSummerWinter · 22/08/2022 16:05

I feel exactly the same - I'd be terrified having kids in my flat as it's frankly a massive safety hazard full of stairs and sharp corners and exposed sockets! I also would not want a friend to bring her kids to visit for that long. I'd be happy to have a friend's non-mobile baby aged kid over for an hour or two but no way for longer, and def not if they were older. You're not being precious, your flat is obviously important to you (which is totally fair enough because it's bloody hard work to get one!)

Yes didn’t even think of stairs - we have a double upper flat so there is a big staircase in the middle of the hallway 😱

OP posts:
SummerWinterSummerWinter · 22/08/2022 16:07

Also to pp, it's not precious to want to look after something you've worked very hard to achieve and make nice....? If you don't have kids yourself it's totally fair enough to not want stuff broken or ruined! I wouldn't insist on bringing my dog to places where he wouldn't be welcomed by the owner - I love him and he's my priority but that's not the same for everyone else and that's fine.

Original poster
AutumnSquash · 22/08/2022 16:08

10HailMarys · 22/08/2022 15:40

My friends with kids generally relish the chance of a child-free weekend once in a while, but equally I'm sure plenty of people don't like being away from their children and that's fair enough. However, totally YANBU to not want to host two small children for overnight stays, regardless of what your place is like! You're right that it would be difficult in a flat for all the reasons you mention, but even if you were in a house with a garden and plenty of space, the entire stay would still revolve entirely around the children. Even if they're extremely well-behaved, at five and two they will naturally need constant supervision and lots of attention.

If your friend is reluctant to leave the children with their dad, then you might find you don't see her much at all, as she might simply not want to come on her own, so be prepared for that, but you are completely reasonable about not wanting her to rock up for a few nights with two kids!

You mention her DH isn't very sociable etc - how well do you know him? Is there a reason she might be worried about leaving the kids with him? Is there any chance he tries to stop her from going anywhere by saying that he won't look after them on his own? I'm not saying you should tell her she can bring the kids to you on that basis, but if she keeps pressing the point home that she would have to bring them, I think I'd perhaps try and get to the bottom of whether she really does find it hard to leave them from an attachment point of view, or whether there is some sort of issue with her DH.

I’ve known her DH for 15 years but he’s a bit of a miserable and useless git so I think there’s definitely something in there about her not wanting to leave the kids with him. I completely understand that she might not want to/feel able to leave the kids for a weekend - ive never asked or pressurised her to and would not do so. I’m happy to see her when I visit my home city instead.

OP posts:
HotWashCycle · 22/08/2022 16:14

Why can't you just be very straightforward and say you want to see her with plenty of time for just the two of you, so you would like her to come without her kids. They can stay with her DP surely? Or if she won't do that, visit her, but her DC will still be around, won't they? If she is a good friend there is no reason why you can't say this.

Luxembourgmama · 22/08/2022 16:16

I have 2 kids and I wouldn't want to bring them. It totally changes the dynamic. Better for you to visit her but if her husband is shite she may not be able to visit you for a few years

Original poster
AutumnSquash · 22/08/2022 16:19

HotWashCycle · 22/08/2022 16:14

Why can't you just be very straightforward and say you want to see her with plenty of time for just the two of you, so you would like her to come without her kids. They can stay with her DP surely? Or if she won't do that, visit her, but her DC will still be around, won't they? If she is a good friend there is no reason why you can't say this.

I’ve visited my home city several times since I moved and see her every time. Either at her house or go out near her so she can leave the kids with her husband. Appreciate that’s completely different for her to leave them with him for the eve rather than for a weekend. I’d never expect or ask her to leave the kids for a weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnSquash · 22/08/2022 16:20

HotWashCycle · 22/08/2022 16:14

Why can't you just be very straightforward and say you want to see her with plenty of time for just the two of you, so you would like her to come without her kids. They can stay with her DP surely? Or if she won't do that, visit her, but her DC will still be around, won't they? If she is a good friend there is no reason why you can't say this.

If I visit her the kids are around - but it’s very different in their own home with their own stuff, routines, food etc. Or we go out locally which means leaving them for a few hours rather than a few days. This is fine for me and I completely respect and understand the difficulties of organising a social life around children.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnSquash · 22/08/2022 16:21

Luxembourgmama · 22/08/2022 16:16

I have 2 kids and I wouldn't want to bring them. It totally changes the dynamic. Better for you to visit her but if her husband is shite she may not be able to visit you for a few years

Which is fine and I wouldn’t expect her to visit while the kids are still little!

OP posts:
Mariposista · 22/08/2022 16:24

'can't wait for some adults only catch up time, let me know when you're free and can get childcare and we'll have a great weekend at mine'.

creamwitheverything · 22/08/2022 16:24

Hello dear friend! I am really sorry but I am going to be very selfish. I got so excited when you said you would visit i have planned loads of stuff for just me and you to do so I am really sorry but its just me and you this time, I insist.I want us to do lovely things and I think a break away would do you good too,you must need a rest from mummying bet you are exhausted and never have a minute to yourself...well now you can!! So I insist you leave the kids with fred and lets just me and you be badly behaved and have fun, ....or something like that!

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 22/08/2022 16:29

I hate catching up with my / other peoples kids in tow. Totally changes the dynamics so I’m with you OP. Would rather wait and catch up properly

Eliode2000 · 22/08/2022 16:54

Dancingwithhyenas · 22/08/2022 15:00

You could reply “that’s so kind of you to offer to come but my flat is really rubbish for kids. They’d be bored stiff. Lets meet up when I’m back instead. Are you free on xxxx? Miss you!”

Dear @AutumnSquash

do what @Dancingwithhyenas says

Reebokclassics · 22/08/2022 16:55

I wouldnt be offended personally if my friend said what youve said in your OP, I wouldnt come as I have a rule that if my daughter isnt welcome I dont go either. But it certainly wouldnt affect my friendship with you, like you said you can just catch up when youre back where she lives! Although there must be heaps of activities for kids in a city!

hotelp · 22/08/2022 17:03

I think you're reasonable OP, but if half the PP messages were sent to me I would be really confused as to whether my kids have previously shat in their kettle or something similar to make them so disliked. I know you're not actually suggesting this OP, but others are and seem to think it's reasonable- but I wouldn't be leaving my kids to come and stay with a friend for 4/5 nights just willy nilly.

When friends have kids the vibe changes. I personally think you have to go along with that, and trust that your friend is aware of her children and their impact and will suggest child free meet ups when they can/feel ready.

hotelp · 22/08/2022 17:04

Dancingwithhyenas · 22/08/2022 15:00

You could reply “that’s so kind of you to offer to come but my flat is really rubbish for kids. They’d be bored stiff. Lets meet up when I’m back instead. Are you free on xxxx? Miss you!”

This is the best reply by a country mile.

Sally872 · 22/08/2022 17:28

Yanbu, and I would feel the same.

I also couldn't have left my children until i was ready, so maybe she just isn't there yet.

I think a breezy message like the one about kids being bored in previous post is perfect.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/08/2022 17:41

I completely understand that she might not want to/feel able to leave the kids for a weekend - ive never asked or pressurised her to and would not do so. I’m happy to see her when I visit my home city instead

Nothing could be fairer, but you'll probably have to say a plain "no" and that you'll see her when you visit instead

Unfortunately, comments about a non-child-friendly home can just invite "Oooo they'll be fine" - especially if she really needs the break - so you may need to be kind but firm

PurpleFlower1983 · 22/08/2022 17:48

Just meet up for a day or evening.