For not wanting friend to bring her kids to visit?

[AutumnSquash]

I recently moved to a new city, several hours away from friends.

My friend says she will visit for a few nights and will bring the kids, just her and the kids. The kids’ dad and her are married, but he’s not very sociable so doesn’t tend to come along to things. Kids are 2 and 5, lovely kids but like a lot of kids quite hyper.

I want to see her and it’s nice she’s offered to travel her but…..AIBU for not wanting to host her and the kids?

My reasons are:

1. Just did up our new place so don’t want things to get trashed


2. We live in a upper floor flat so no direct access to garden which makes it more difficult to keep the children entertained


3. It’s not a kid-friendly flat so also would be worried they’d hurt themselves


4. It’s not much of a catch up with friend of kids are there - especially if it’s just her and not her husband coming (if there were two parents around the kids would be easier to manage and the husband could eg stay in for an eve when we go out for drinks)


5. Would have to plan meals around kids etc so feels like extra work for me hosting - when I have adult friends over I know they’ll either eat what I eat or we’ll go out in the evenings.


6. With children assume we’ll have to be indoors a lot more as we won’t be out in the evenings so again extra pressure to find things to do to entertain them.

I wish she would just come by herself and leave the children with her husband. Or not come at all - I’m back in my home city regularly so would prefer just to catch up then. But a long weekend with children around is not going to be much fun for anyone.

So AIBU?

If not - how do I politely decline her offer of visiting with children?!

BIL and his wife don't like having children staying in their house for similar reasons, so when our kids were young either we would all go and stay in a hotel nearby (we are allowed into the house for about an hour max so otherwise meet for meals in a restaurant or outside somewhere) or they would come to ours.

So I guess if you say your house is not child-friendly there is a possibility that she might come back and say they will visit your city and stay in a hotel/air B&B. How would you feel about that? If you would not like that either, you might not want to use the house as the reason!

God no not at all! I tend to joke/be a bit self depreciating when writing stuff like this x

Saying something like ‘the flat isn’t child friendly’ leaves it open for her to say some shit like ‘oh it’s ok I’ll watch them carefully…’

You are better to say ‘I’d prefer it was the just the two of us - let me know when you’re child free.’

I think she should be encouraged to leave the kids with the dad. He needs to learn to step up instead of her making excuses for yet another useless male sperm donor.

Don't send this message. It just sounds like bullshit! There's no need for all this just be honest.

It's like those child free wedding invites where the b&g insist it's so the parents can have fun. Far more insulting than just being straight up about wanting a child free do.

Say you would be glad to see her but sadly the flat is just not suitable for visiting g DC. You hope she will be able to come soon anyway but will understand if it doesn't work for her.

For what it's worth, I think it's borderline CF territory to just announce that the kids will come too, rather than asking whether it would be convenient for you to have them all visit.

That can be a sign that the DC would not be invited back anyway. .

I'd absolutely despise this patronising message and the friendship would probably be over.

Thanks everyone!

Its really not that I don’t want to see her (or the kids, who are great) it’s just I can’t see it being fun or relaxing for anyone.

She hasn’t been to mine so just might not realise it’s not that child friendly but when she saw the number of steps to get up to the flat (or down to the shared garden) and the general layout and stuff we have out she probably wouldn’t relax with the kids - she be keeping an eye on them the whole time.

I see her and the kids regularly when I go to visit so I think best option is to just be honest and say it’s not the best place for kids but would love to see her and will be visiting soon/put some dates in. Appreciate the ideas and best ways of putting it - I don’t want her to think I don’t want to see her or the children (because that’s not it at all!)