to put a gaming purchase ban on DD's card after blowing £300 on it?

[EvilTendency1]

DD 13, a young one summer born, diagnosed ASD with ADHD tendancies.

Gaming is one of her hobbies, if not the main one, she finds it more easier to chat to people on there (in game) than she does in person. She doesn't have any school friends at all that she chats to or messages at all, she's a loner but very happy in her own company. Aside from gaming, she listens to music, YouTube and comes out with me each day to walk the dog or goes out into the garden for a few hours with her other pets, so she's not fixed to a screen 99% of the time.

Maths in particular is a very weak area at school though.

DD has GoHenry card, which we have found useful on the whole, she has a minimum amount on there each week (£2), she could earn more (£5) but she CBA so never ticks them off or ever looks in there.

As she's home so much all her spending is on gaming. Initally when she joined one game there was a lifetime membership for a one off cost which provides a weekly allowance of in game currency, you can of course purchase extra bundles similar to as in Robux for Roblox.

The idea behind this was she would no longer be asking every bloody month for extra top ups of this in game currency for new items in the game when she's playing with online friends.

Except it hasn't worked that way. 🙄 No one else to blame but DH and I as we relented during Covid and let her spend her pocket money on gaming. Talked her through the savings in there and how it would be good for her to save, she did it for a while then dumped it into her main account and it all was spent on gaming.

I gritted my teeth but hey her problem she blew it all and she has to learn. However she wants for nothing else, not interested in make up, clothes, any other hobby at all. I buy her clothes when they're starting to get a bit small and has no interest in what she looks like, getting her to brush her hair is a fight in itself. I also pay for her phone each month.

Last night I get a notification that her go Henry card declined as there wasn't enough funds, I took a look and then more fool me, look to see how much she has spent over the last 8 weeks.
She is limited to £20 max a week unless she wanted to say save up and wanted to buy something more (PS4 game for example, only did this once) and then we've upped the limit for a one off.

She's blown all her pocket money over the last few months buying more in game currency. I'm livid but have kept this to myself, in total this year alone she has blown more than £300 on this fucking game. I've tried in the past saying 'No.' but DH is soft on her and then this has in turn left me to have a big argument later with him for enabling it, "But she doesn't go anywhere or do anything else, she only socialises online." He has a point.

My concern is this is just not teaching her any life skills, she spends to get the instant dopamine kick, for the latest item in the game then it's forgotten about until the next release, like all marketing business models to keep their users engaged.

So AIBU to put a ban on her spending any more money for top ups on the game on her card?

She has another bank account which family have gifted cash and we have too over the years which now has a very healthy balance of over several thousand. DH and I looked into getting a debit card for her for it but decided against it as she wasn't mature enough to look after it. So this isn't linked to her go Henry account at all and if she had the account with a card on it, then blew it all in there on a fucking game I'd probably spontaneously combust.

Any attempts to talk about savings go in one ear and out the other.

I worry as I saw my own parents on the breadline many times and near bankruptcy, I've been a saver from a young age and careful with money, my DD however - is not and I don't know if this is down to her additional needs or not, but I suspect it is

Anyone else ever been in this position or done a similar thing ie no spending on gaming (unless for birthdays or christmas)

You say you’re livid but have kept this to yourself - does your DH know how much she’s spent? If not, he needs to, he’s enabling her behaviour.

Yes he does, to be fair to him. He hasn't 'topped up' any additional spends for the last 6 months or so, but before that he would.

When I discovered just how much had been spent I immediately told him and said we need a new plan as it's just too much on there.

Ironically if she were buying sweets occassionally on the way home from school I wouldn't care so much!

But it's her money i don't understand why you're so angry that she chooses to spend it on gaming, you'd rather her spend it on clothes and makeup when she has no interest in either of those things so she'd be wasting the money anyway

How dare she spend her own money on something she enjoys

So she has spent £300 in a whole year? So approx £25 a month?

I personally think it’s a complete waste of money, but if she’s not interested in clothes/makeup/a sport/cinema/going out with friends, what else would she spend it on?

Either it's her money to spend how she pleases, or it's not.

You don't seem to have drawn a line here, so you can't complain.

Also £20 a week? More than £1k per year? Some kids are certainly spoiled these days. If I was getting that much spent on my gaming as a 13 year old I don't think I'd have left the house much either.

Re the savings account with several thousand - she is likely to reach 16 or 18 or whenever she can access it without your permission and blow it all. Going forward I'd open an account in your name that you use to save for her.

Well, assuming that it's pocket money that she was given to spend on herself, I don't really see why she can't spend it on gaming. She's not interested in clothes or going out with friends or buying material things, so if gaming is her main hobby I don't actually think it's that much of an issue. If there isn't anything else she wants, of course she doesn't have any real motivation to save her money. Some kids might save their money up for clothes or a phone or expensive trainers, but obviously she isn't bothered about having those things so she'd rather spend on gaming. That's what she enjoys and that's what motivates her.

So this is her pocket money she has spent? In which case yabu. It’s a hobby. If she had spent it on music downloads or tickets to see her favourite band or new outfits would you feel the same way? I think there is an aspect that you don’t enjoy/approve of her hobby which is why you see the money as wasted rather than enjoyed. It’s good to keep an eye on possible addiction but as long as she is able to turn it off, come to family dinner etc personally I wouldn’t have an issue with it.

No, £20 a week is the limit per spending allowed per week on her card, she certainly doesn't get that in pocket money each week. As I explained in my OP she gets £2 a week but can earn upto £5 by doing some extra chores that have to be ticked off in the app to earn them, but she never does.

I'm confused what your so angry about, I genuinely expected this to say she spend £300 in one go or something.
Its her pocket money to spend how she chooses. My 10 year old gets £2.50 a week, she isn't into much at the minute so has just come down to ask if she can have £10 of robux, IMO its a waste of money, but its her money and when its gone its gone.

If she's getting £2 per week, where did she get £300?

I'd put all her birthday and Christmas money into savings, and keep giving her the £2 per week, but never, ever top it up with extra cash if she asks. You're buying her the essentials, so she doesn't need extra money.

Beyond that, it's her own money to spend how she likes.

Sorry, I mean I'd still give her the extra for chores if she does them, but nothing on top of that.

And to have £300 to spend if she is only getting £2-£5 pw and have a £20 pw limit, this must have been going on for a very long time. Dont you get a notification each time they spend on Go Henry?

She's spent more than £300 this year on it alone in dribs and drabs.

Either it's her money to spend as she pleases, or it's not. Which is it?

£300 in nearly 8 months is around £35 per month. Not hugely extortionate considering you say she never goes out with friends etc. I assume she's been saving her birthday and Christmas money as well as her pocket money?

IMO it's her money. If she wants to spend it on her hobby, what's the problem? I spend some of my earnings on mobile games - I don't see it as being any different to people who spend their money down the pub or on meals out or the cinema (or a million other things).

So she has spent £300 over 8 months, which was money you specifically gave her as spending money?
Considering the last several weeks have been the holidays and you say she doesn’t really socialise I think you are being really unreasonable.
Would it be different if she spent it on clothes or the cinema or junk food?

Any attempts to talk about savings go in one ear and out the other.
Because she is 13. The vast majority of 13 year old don’t save for some arbitrary idea of the future. They might be able to focus and save for a larger purchase, but no 13 year old is saving a portion of their allowance for a rainy day.

But where's she getting £300 if you only give her £2 per week? That's only £104. Even if she earned the £5 per week that's still not £300. Where's the extra coming from?

That is around £10pw so she must have been saving for a while to have £300 to spend.
As long as she knows she doesn't get any more money I still cant see the problem.

Its like paying £5 pw for a magazine, once youve read it, its done and goes in the bin, or those stickers you collect and put in a book, once its finished you move on to another one. All made to keep you spending money.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with spending money on things you enjoy even if they are frivolous. I actually don’t think you do either and honestly it’s probably sadder that you felt you had to save every penny than that she splashes out on her idea of fun. She’s only 13 and by the sound of it more like an 11 year old in terms of interests etc.

however I did vote YANBU in this case because her idea of fun is something highly addictive and I’d be worried that if she learns at this stage that all her money goes on gaming stuff (and in game things too - not like buying games she could later sell on for example) this could become a destructive habit for her later on.

I think instead of going all or nothing with her, you should teach her to budget by - say - giving her a small snacks or phone allowance on top of the pocket money, making her responsible for those things, and getting an account where you can have separate accounts or pots for separate things. If she’s autistic and you teach her that she needs to set aside X amount per month for those things, and then she can spent up to Y amount on gaming she may learn it quite well at this stage.

My worry is that otherwise she won’t learn that gaming is a hobby and for disposable income only (ie what you can afford to lose), not something you should get used to spending all your money on.

I cant get my head around giving a child pocket money and then trying to control what they spend it on.

I'll go against the grain. I have ASD. I did something similar age 13. DM confiscated my bank card and didn't let me have it back until I was 15. I had to ask her about every single purchase, had to bank all my pocket money and basically had no control until she was satisfied that I could make sensible decisions.

Problem with ASD is when you get obsessed with stuff it's hard to be sensible or have a grasp on the real world. You're also more gullible / vulnerable to peer pressure (which is partly what led me to spend all my money) than a NT child of the same age. You are vulnerable to the addictive nature of online gaming.

If she isn't at the stage yet where she is capable of learning then you can absolutely row it back a bit OP. If she has to come to you before she can buy stuff and go through the process of discussing if it's a good purchase or not, pros and cons, then maybe she will slowly learn. If she is capable of living independently/ with minor support (like me) then it is a skill she will have to pick up. If that isn't in her future then it doesn't matter so much as she will have someone there to help.

It’s her money. Let her spend it on what she wants. As long as she understands you won’t bank roll her on other stuff

I’d keep the savings separate and not let her access them until 18 , or at the most ask for x amount to buy something special, pay for a trip etc..

The pocket money, well £300 in 8 months wouldn’t have lasted so long paying for riding or another pricey hobby. If she’s spending her pocket money on gaming it’s no worse than sweets, fizzy drinks, trashy mags.

I’d be very worried that she’s picking up addictive behaviours from the hit when buying game credit.

I also have a 13yr old who prefers gaming to playing outside with his friends but…he gets zero pocket money and so doesn’t spend anything on in game purchases at all and accepts this situation perfectly happily.