to put a gaming purchase ban on DD's card after blowing £300 on it?

[EvilTendency1]

DD 13, a young one summer born, diagnosed ASD with ADHD tendancies.

Gaming is one of her hobbies, if not the main one, she finds it more easier to chat to people on there (in game) than she does in person. She doesn't have any school friends at all that she chats to or messages at all, she's a loner but very happy in her own company. Aside from gaming, she listens to music, YouTube and comes out with me each day to walk the dog or goes out into the garden for a few hours with her other pets, so she's not fixed to a screen 99% of the time.

Maths in particular is a very weak area at school though.

DD has GoHenry card, which we have found useful on the whole, she has a minimum amount on there each week (£2), she could earn more (£5) but she CBA so never ticks them off or ever looks in there.

As she's home so much all her spending is on gaming. Initally when she joined one game there was a lifetime membership for a one off cost which provides a weekly allowance of in game currency, you can of course purchase extra bundles similar to as in Robux for Roblox.

The idea behind this was she would no longer be asking every bloody month for extra top ups of this in game currency for new items in the game when she's playing with online friends.

Except it hasn't worked that way. 🙄 No one else to blame but DH and I as we relented during Covid and let her spend her pocket money on gaming. Talked her through the savings in there and how it would be good for her to save, she did it for a while then dumped it into her main account and it all was spent on gaming.

I gritted my teeth but hey her problem she blew it all and she has to learn. However she wants for nothing else, not interested in make up, clothes, any other hobby at all. I buy her clothes when they're starting to get a bit small and has no interest in what she looks like, getting her to brush her hair is a fight in itself. I also pay for her phone each month.

Last night I get a notification that her go Henry card declined as there wasn't enough funds, I took a look and then more fool me, look to see how much she has spent over the last 8 weeks.
She is limited to £20 max a week unless she wanted to say save up and wanted to buy something more (PS4 game for example, only did this once) and then we've upped the limit for a one off.

She's blown all her pocket money over the last few months buying more in game currency. I'm livid but have kept this to myself, in total this year alone she has blown more than £300 on this fucking game. I've tried in the past saying 'No.' but DH is soft on her and then this has in turn left me to have a big argument later with him for enabling it, "But she doesn't go anywhere or do anything else, she only socialises online." He has a point.

My concern is this is just not teaching her any life skills, she spends to get the instant dopamine kick, for the latest item in the game then it's forgotten about until the next release, like all marketing business models to keep their users engaged.

So AIBU to put a ban on her spending any more money for top ups on the game on her card?

She has another bank account which family have gifted cash and we have too over the years which now has a very healthy balance of over several thousand. DH and I looked into getting a debit card for her for it but decided against it as she wasn't mature enough to look after it. So this isn't linked to her go Henry account at all and if she had the account with a card on it, then blew it all in there on a fucking game I'd probably spontaneously combust.

Any attempts to talk about savings go in one ear and out the other.

I worry as I saw my own parents on the breadline many times and near bankruptcy, I've been a saver from a young age and careful with money, my DD however - is not and I don't know if this is down to her additional needs or not, but I suspect it is

Anyone else ever been in this position or done a similar thing ie no spending on gaming (unless for birthdays or christmas)

There is an eventual limit to how much one person can spend on magazines/sweets etc though, there is no limit to how much you can spend in these games if you have it. It's a bit more like online gambling in that way, or buying things on amazon.

If people have other interests, it can help the process of thinking, weighing up the pros and cons of spending on the different options (in short and long term). This is a useful skill to learn.

I think I would be a bit worried that because she doesn’t have any other interests, she wouldn’t be able to develop this skill (or work towards developing it as much as she can). So I don’t think it’s necessarily that the OP is prejudiced against games per se. It the nature of this particular game and the pattern of spending (ie spend all money now for things you could have got free by waiting - instead of saving to get the next big upgrade or a different type of game).

Not quite the same as these are tangible objects that if she were buying shoes each week then you would soon see the physical limitations as you would run out of space for said shoes, same if you purchased sweets/chocolates, you're going to get sick - well my DD does.

As it's gaming and intangible it doesn't register in her mind as much as say if she were buying a physical object each week.

So I don’t think it’s necessarily that the OP is prejudiced against games per se. It the nature of this particular game and the pattern of spending (ie spend all money now for things you could have got free by waiting - instead of saving to get the next big upgrade or a different type of game).

Yup exactly, that combined with the long term instant hit and addictive nature of it.

True, true.
I was going to say if its Geshin Impact there's a bit on that where you can get varies different "wishes" & it's a bit like gambling 🎰 because you can get quite good in game characters/gear but you have to keep trying to win.

*various

This is what DD does. It's her money. I can't give it to her and tell her what to do with it. I sometimes don't substitute her when she wants something that's he could have afforded if she didn't spend so much on robux but it's her money, her choice. DD gets £7 a week and £25 a month from DG. I'd say it either goes on art supplies or robux. A waste in my eyes, heaven in hers.

I would never let mine spend money in games like these. I know people say ‘oh but it’s THEIR money’ but in the same sentence I wouldn’t let them spend it buying inappropriate items like vapes or train tickets to London.

These games are massively damaging - they are designed to be addictive and encourage more and more and more spending because if you don’t spend you can’t easily progress in the game. Then the person gets used to that little zip of ‘achievement’ as they get more and more things by spending money. Plus it really doesn’t encourage a sensible and practical view of money when you’re pouring it all into an online game to this type of huge extreme.

You don’t understand the difference between saving up for a Lego set (which can be built and played with and then sold for a small loss or sometimes even a profit) and pouring hundreds of pounds into gambling for ‘skins’ and advancement in an addictive online game? It’s the difference between buying a jacket and playing the casino.

i think it is worth teaching your DD how the modelling of in-game purchase work if she does not already know. They are designed to make you part with money. My DS played Roblox for one afternoon and realised that it was a complete scam because you have to grind for so long to get anything that of course kids want to spend the money to get whatever, so that was a no. He was heavily into Fortnite for a good year or so and had quite the locker of skins and we had many a conversation about if you buy this, then that is your money gone for the week.

Fortunately the Fortnite phase is past. It’s just best not to start games like that. That said, he got a lot of enjoyment out of Fortnite and he had been bullied at school prior to starting on it, so it did help with him overcoming that (he turned out to be pretty good). So I just accepted the spends. Money is more tight with the cost of living going up, so it would be a hard no now.

Now he is running a Minecraft survival realm for his friends which costs me six or seven pounds a month, but no extras. Am happy with that.

No I don't, and actually I think those that have such a blanket policy are archaic and unwilling to understand modern life.
Using your scenario gambling. There is a difference between entering a raffle at school, playing in the seaside arcades, playing the lottery, and using casinos, betting machines etc. As parents just refusing doesn't protect our children, it just kicks down the road there relationship with in game purchases.

My DS played Roblox for one afternoon and realised that it was a complete scam this lesson from a pp will be worth all the money he has put in, the realisation of what you have spent your money on.

Our job is not to decide what is of value to our children but teach them how to budget and decide what they really want, and to learn the consequences of the decision.

Also to realise what these games give, the OPs child is isolated, isn't addicted as still happily does other things, this is modern day socialising and much cheaper than going to the cinema.

Well, if you really don't understand, in one case you exchange money for an item you can use and enjoy and later resell at a similar price. In the other you give in to pressure from games designed specifically to pressure you and receive a 'hit' plus advancement in an app, the same app which will a second later keep manipulating you to spend more real money.

So it's coming off her go Henry account?

Kanola I don't buy things for the childrenwith the intention of what I can sell them for in the future.
Often you do not get game advancement, you just get a skin which you enjoy playing with and showing your friends.
It is parents responsibility to stop this from becoming a spiral, to teach children to delay buying until they have decided if it is really worth it. How else do they learn where to stop, to learn the sunk cost fallacy, to learn when to stop?

The OP has already taken steps to achieve this with Go Henry and keeping savings separate and making sure she spends time doing things other than gaming, yes OP may decide to lower the amount spent weekly but banning it just because it is on gaming will help no one.

Is the game Star Stables or something like it? Because if so, I can see why she is spending so much money on it- my kids watch youtubers play this game and the 'horses' can cost about £30 real life pounds but the 'star' currency included only gets you one horse every 6 or so weeks, and they are limited edition type things. And then you pay for accessories etc on top of that, riding clothes etc... If it's not that I would imagine it's following the same sort of pattern. There is a whole subset of games with these microtransactions where the game is all about getting you to spend money every time you play. If its her current obsession, could you let her spend a set amount every week or month, and keep her savings seperate to her GoHenry card, so her card is 'just' for gaming, but her other money is elsewhere? To help her learn how to budget and save in an environment where she will understand the percieved value more than if it was spending on something she doesn't enjoy as much? I am also autistic, and this kind of guided spending would have helped me as a teen, rather than either being let loose or feeling like I was being unjustly denied something I really liked.

Everyone, she's 13 and has ADHD. Gaming is designed to be addictive.

The OP is right to be concerned and to put tighter limits on this.

I’d be very worried that she’s picking up addictive behaviours from the hit when buying game credit.

This.

I would never let mine spend money in games like these. I know people say ‘oh but it’s THEIR money’ but in the same sentence I wouldn’t let them spend it buying inappropriate items like vapes or train tickets to London.

I am old enough to remember when parents and schools used to take a lax attitude to things like smoking because "Oh, you can't stop them," "They're teenagers, they're supposed to do silly stuff," "If you try to get them to stop, you'll just cause resentment and make them crave it even more," "Let them get on with it, that's the best way to get them to learn how to be more responsible smokers and smoke in moderation...."

I wonder what future generations will think about all this.

Op I think your rules around dd's spending are so confusing!

Just reduce the amount in her GoHenry account and put the spare into another account she can't access. Then tell her she can spaff everything in her GH account and ask you if she needs anything bigger.