to put a gaming purchase ban on DD's card after blowing £300 on it?

[EvilTendency1]

DD 13, a young one summer born, diagnosed ASD with ADHD tendancies.

Gaming is one of her hobbies, if not the main one, she finds it more easier to chat to people on there (in game) than she does in person. She doesn't have any school friends at all that she chats to or messages at all, she's a loner but very happy in her own company. Aside from gaming, she listens to music, YouTube and comes out with me each day to walk the dog or goes out into the garden for a few hours with her other pets, so she's not fixed to a screen 99% of the time.

Maths in particular is a very weak area at school though.

DD has GoHenry card, which we have found useful on the whole, she has a minimum amount on there each week (£2), she could earn more (£5) but she CBA so never ticks them off or ever looks in there.

As she's home so much all her spending is on gaming. Initally when she joined one game there was a lifetime membership for a one off cost which provides a weekly allowance of in game currency, you can of course purchase extra bundles similar to as in Robux for Roblox.

The idea behind this was she would no longer be asking every bloody month for extra top ups of this in game currency for new items in the game when she's playing with online friends.

Except it hasn't worked that way. 🙄 No one else to blame but DH and I as we relented during Covid and let her spend her pocket money on gaming. Talked her through the savings in there and how it would be good for her to save, she did it for a while then dumped it into her main account and it all was spent on gaming.

I gritted my teeth but hey her problem she blew it all and she has to learn. However she wants for nothing else, not interested in make up, clothes, any other hobby at all. I buy her clothes when they're starting to get a bit small and has no interest in what she looks like, getting her to brush her hair is a fight in itself. I also pay for her phone each month.

Last night I get a notification that her go Henry card declined as there wasn't enough funds, I took a look and then more fool me, look to see how much she has spent over the last 8 weeks.
She is limited to £20 max a week unless she wanted to say save up and wanted to buy something more (PS4 game for example, only did this once) and then we've upped the limit for a one off.

She's blown all her pocket money over the last few months buying more in game currency. I'm livid but have kept this to myself, in total this year alone she has blown more than £300 on this fucking game. I've tried in the past saying 'No.' but DH is soft on her and then this has in turn left me to have a big argument later with him for enabling it, "But she doesn't go anywhere or do anything else, she only socialises online." He has a point.

My concern is this is just not teaching her any life skills, she spends to get the instant dopamine kick, for the latest item in the game then it's forgotten about until the next release, like all marketing business models to keep their users engaged.

So AIBU to put a ban on her spending any more money for top ups on the game on her card?

She has another bank account which family have gifted cash and we have too over the years which now has a very healthy balance of over several thousand. DH and I looked into getting a debit card for her for it but decided against it as she wasn't mature enough to look after it. So this isn't linked to her go Henry account at all and if she had the account with a card on it, then blew it all in there on a fucking game I'd probably spontaneously combust.

Any attempts to talk about savings go in one ear and out the other.

I worry as I saw my own parents on the breadline many times and near bankruptcy, I've been a saver from a young age and careful with money, my DD however - is not and I don't know if this is down to her additional needs or not, but I suspect it is

Anyone else ever been in this position or done a similar thing ie no spending on gaming (unless for birthdays or christmas)

I also don't understand the problem and am pleased by the other responses.

My nephew is into lego, he saves to buy sets £100+ builds them then puts them on the shelf and forgets about them, then he wants another and starts over again.

I can't see that £300 over the year is excessive for something she enjoys and for the time she is on it. Gaming works out great value for money even when spending money in apps.

Talk to her about saving, help her to set an account up that is separate (don't tell her about the other account) but let her spend her pocket money on what makes he happy.

My advice is to clear up your expectations about what money is for. You’ve a lot going on (maybe not for an NT dc, but def for an asd/adhd dc)

You want her to earn extra money, and keep an app up to date (hugely ambition without exec functioning skills) and spend thoughtfully only on things that align with your values (how is she to know?), and save for the sake of it… all without direct supervision or input. That’s unrealistic in the circumstances.

I really sympathise with your frustration about spending on gaming - it totally takes advantage of kids, particularly vulnerable ones. But, it isn’t an unreasonable or bad choice for her to make. My dc have saved up to buy things I’ve considered junk or known would fall apart but that’s still a good lesson. DS (also asd/adhd) is starting to realise how a particular game keep changing the goalposts to entice him to spend money.

My rules are that you can only spend what you have. That you need to think before you spend 24 hrs-week. And I keep the lines of communication open to hear what they thought of their purchases and if they have any buyers remorse.

At this point in time pocket money is a privilege of living at home in a family but when they start needing more than my token amount they will have to figure how to earn it and convince me.

I don't understand how if she only gets 2 quid a week ( so 104 per year) she even had 300 pound in her account to spend?

Because spending 2 quid a week on gaming is very very low so I really wouldn't see an issue with that. 13 year olds are rarely known for good spending decisions, and spending 2 quid a week on a game that makes her happy is no worse, and probably better than spending it on sweets or a cheap nail varnish or, let's be honest, drugs and disposable vapes!

If however to get to the 300 amount
she's spent all of 3 years worth of pocket money within 3 months on gaming, while that is a lot and I can see your annoyance, if it's gone now then its gone, so she only has 2 quid a week going forward so the problem has basically sorted itself.

The only issue you'll have is if she asks to have her other saving money to spend herself (and really why shouldn't she) or asks why she gets such a low amount of pocket money. In which case you will have to examine your own thought process regarding the extent to which you should get to decide what she considers worthy of spending her money on.

But make sure you are comparing like for like and not comparing her spending on games to an imaginary perfect teenager who saved all her money for her future driving lessons or something.

Compare her to actual teenagers and consider if you'd prefer her spending her money on, fairly useless game additions but ones that make her happy, to cheap makeup, vapes, alcohol, energy drinks, sweets, ridiculously overpriced trainers they then don't wear....etc!

@TheHideAndSeekingHill - Exactly! Thank you.

Your second paragraph is what I was lacking in putting in my original post, it's the concern I have over it, it's highly addictive and it's all ingame purchases which I think as these are the first sorts of lessons she is having over this, whilst short term they are fun, long term the habits are quite destructive as you say.

Thank you for the suggestion regarding the small snacks or phone allowance on top of her pocket money, it makes it an easy goal and a real life 'bill' that she has to budget for. Her maths skills are weak but this is easily within her range of understanding.

Ultimately I know the cash is hers to spend, but it's as you have said it's the long term highly addictive nature of it.

I understand the nature of other posters saying it's the same as buying a magazine each month and the the next month, I do truely, but even after awhile you get bored with it and it's not as addictive as gaming.

Thank you for the input @AvocadoParsnip it's valued.

At this stage, I think she will be able to live independantly or with minor support, she is fairly independent for her age (in somethings!) but it's just the life skills I'm trying to instill in her at the moment.

Honestly I couldn't give a fig if she was blowing her pocket money on sweets/magazine or small toys at this age, I did the same until I was older but it's just the fact it's on sodding online games, especailly as she gets a specified monthly 'allowance' from it as part of when we paid for the membership anyway!

I dont disagree with the points you have made about addictiveness etc (ASD/ADHD DS here who hyper focuses for a few weeks / months on a hobby) but that isn't what your OP was about.

This is true!

Is she spending on actual in-game items or on lootboxes?

Thank you for this.

I suppose I do need to clear up my expectations.

However the app being updated is definately a 'Nice to have' but not essential task (cheaper for me too! )

Savings, I suppose I just want her to learn the value of putting 'something' away (even 50p a week) so that she can see it builds into something for what she might want, but I agree this is probably too much at the moment as at this age, they are short term focus only - so it's unrealistic of me to approach this.

I like the 24hour idea, I've just realised I do this myself inadvertantly, I'll start to model that behaviour a bit more tangibly. Conversations around money are always open, she has the money already for driving lessons and 'life' when she is older but I think we'll hold onto that until she is 16.

So it's ingame items.

Not sure what lootboxes are, but I'll try to explain here using Roblox as the example but the game isn't Roblox.

We paid for a one off subscription payment for lifetime membership, as part of this she gets 100 Roblux each week. Items are for sale within the game that regularly come up are around 800/900 Roblox, so you can either save the Roblox yourself (over the 8 - 9 weeks at no extra cost as it's included in the lifetime membership) or you can buy extra top ups of 500 or 1000 Roblox the price of which varies between £5-£7 for 500 or £10 - £12 for £1000 as they are based in europe and any variation to the price is down to euro/sterling value.

My frustation comes in that if she gets an 'allowance' in the game anyway but because of her spending nature (even within the game) then crack on - once it's gone it's gone! But she's topping it up and buying more 'Roblox' to buy limited editions etc and other ingame items.

I hope that makes sense.

As for actual real life Roblox, we binned that function off ages ago and she gets the gift cards at christmas or birthdays!

Honestly I couldn't give a fig if she was blowing her pocket money on sweets/magazine or small toys at this age, I did the same until I was older

This is crazy, she isn't you why do you value sweets above an in game purchase.

The addiciveness of games is different to the spending. It is possible to be addicted and never spend a dime, see fortnite for an excellent example of this (for those that don't know you can't buy progress only accessories so the game is the same to play regardless of what you spend)

Agree with @TheHideAndSeekingHill and understand your concerns OP. It’s the addictive nature and the spending on a single thing that is worrying.

I think that if she had 1 or 2 necessary regular things to budget for (eg phone credit or snacks or stationery for school), then maybe she can make more meaningful decisions.(currently she doesn’t need to budget for anything as all essentials are catered for and she only has 1 narrow interest - so it is not surprising that she can’t think why she should save up. I mean - in the past I was interested in new, different games/other things - so that was my incentive to save. But if she is only interested in 1 thing, it doesn’t really work).

If you don't have ADHD you probably don't understand why this is an issue (directed to posters not OP)

With ADHD tendancies, we hyper focus. We are awful with money and it NEVER gets better. We can use tools to help us, we can use assistance from others (such as my mum who manages my money at the grand age of 33).

I got into 40k worth of debt by the age of 23. Now I am on medication it is easier to deal with.

People with ADHD do not form habits, we can't form a good habit of doing x y z.

We just have obsessions. Trust me, you need to learn to manage it now - there are some good resources, but actually the best thing for her is for her money to be regulated.

Lootboxes are when you buy a "chest" but don't know what's in it - it's basically gambling and is pretty problematic. If she's buying stuff because she doesn't want to wait then let her crack on, it's her money. Just don't give her any more over and above her pocket money.

More about lootboxes: parentzone.org.uk/article/loot-boxes

I've never admitted this because it never became a problem but at one point a few years ago I regularly found myself spending a couple of quid here and there on those kind of buys, I think it is addictive and also nicely distracting if you're feeling lonely/unhappy.

When I realised I was sometimes spending £10 in a couple of days on these things I found it easier to ban myself from spending ANYTHING on them and just make it a rule that if that means waiting, you wait. You play something else or read a book or go outside, call a friend, go and talk to your neighbour etc etc.

And I wasn't a teenager with additional needs, I was a money earning adult in my twenties.

So I do wonder if it would be healthier for her in general to just not get used to paying for these "dribs and drabs" things at all. However it'd be tricky at this stage to ban it as it would feel like a punishment. Maybe try the budgeting thing and see if she can be responsible with only spending up to an agreed amount. And if not, cold turkey.

It's her money 🤷🏻‍♀️

But that is a separate issue. The issue in the OP is that she is horrified that she has spent £300 on gaming and not sweets and magazines.
We are in week 34 so that is less that £10 a week, for a child that has no other interests I just don't think it is inappropriate.

This is also what i would be most concerned about. She is only 13 and seems addicted. It may be her only activity that she enjoys but it's not a healthy one.

it's not that it's inappropriate, it's that most of these games are actually "free", all the money is on unnecessary extras. In a way it's not comparable with buying sweets or magazines, it's more like buying a magazine and then spending £10 a week to call a phone line and hear more articles from the magazine.

Well yeah, at least she isn't rotting her teeth!!

You're correct about the punishment side of things, hence why I haven't said anything to her. Her self esteem is low at the moment anyway and this would be something else she would use against herself. :(

At the moment she just thinks she can't spend any more money in there as she's broke 😁

Thank you for that, fortunately we missed the Fortnite phase in our household!

That article is very good though.

i still don't get what your problem is, it's not addictive that she's spending her money on it otherwise buying clothes and shoes could be seen as addictive as well also again it's not your money to control it's hers

Is it Geshin Impact?
If you changed her account so perhaps she could only spend a fiver a week that would be better maybe as she enjoys the game so much?

I mean its kind of like blowing a tenner a week on comics/magazines/sweets just in gaming terms right?