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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so annoyed that I can't work because of childcare

57 replies

MyFridgeIsRed · 22/08/2022 13:33

Just that really. I'm desperate to get back to work. I have an interview and have a high chance of getting this job. But because of the shift patterns and a husband who works away, it looks like I won't be able to take it even if they offered it to me.
I have 3dc of various ages, two are in school, one is nearly 2, trying to find wrap around care for two is next to impossible.
It's just infuriating, all of it. I just want a job. We have no family nearby so no help in that department.
So I guess I'm ranting at what feels very unfair right now. It seems like everybody around me either has a DH that works normal hours, or family nearby to help.
Aibu to be so frustrated by it all? And how does everyone else do it?

OP posts:

Redsharks · 22/08/2022 13:36

This sounds frustrating OP. I am fortunate enough to have family nearby however my friend doesn't and she uses a childminder for her youngest DC and the childminder collects her older ones from school and she collects about 6 i think. She had explored getting a nanny though but found a childminder in the end. Would a nanny be an option for you?

IsJohnReadyToMakeAComeback · 22/08/2022 13:36

Honestly, with great difficulty when working shifts.
I was really lucky as a friend also worked shifts and we were able to get opposite shifts to make it work.

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 13:36

Can your husband get another job?

LovelyQuiche · 22/08/2022 13:36

ynbu to be frustrated but that’s just how it is for people like us who don’t have family to help
it’s for this reason I’m stopping at 1

Bluecheck679 · 22/08/2022 13:37

It's incredibly frustrating, I really feel for you. Wraparound where I live (sizeable town in Scotland) has become impossible to get since Covid/Brexit etc. There is a provider but they can't recruit enough staff for the number of spaces so they just have a huge waiting list. I'm very lucky I have family who can help but that comes with a layer of guilt always. I'm so sorry it's impossible for you, so hard for parents.

Topgub · 22/08/2022 13:39

Your oh should be looking for another job.

Why should it all be down to you?

LittleOwl153 · 22/08/2022 13:39

It's the husband who works away that is your problem. Sadly these 'men with big jobs' which involve anything more than standard 9-5 means fairly dramatic childcare solutions if their partner wants/needs to work. The best you are going to be able to go for is a school hours job.... and guess how competitive they are!

Violettaa · 22/08/2022 13:41

I can’t imagine that many couples both work very odd shifts without something like a very flexible full time nanny, or family support. If it’s more like occasional 7pm finishes, then I’ve know childminders to help with unusual hours for a price.

In case it helps with your little one, the hospital near me has a nursery that is open to non-staff members. They’re open very long hours to help with NHS shifts.

Final thought - Does this job have better pay or prospects than your DH’s? Remember it doesn’t just have to be you making compromises.

SynchOrSwim · 22/08/2022 13:45

Does their school not have breakfast/after school club? Can you not find a nursery place for the youngest?

My DH works long, unpredictable hours and sometimes overnight, sometimes away for a few days. One of the reasons I only have one child.

What are the earliest start time and latest end time of the shifts?

SleeplessInEngland · 22/08/2022 13:50

Topgub · 22/08/2022 13:39

Your oh should be looking for another job.

Why should it all be down to you?

Depends what the husband does. Maybe his work doesn’t allow for normal hours and/or working nearby, and him quitting just replaces one problem with another.

What does he do, op?

Coldilox · 22/08/2022 13:51

There shouldn’t be one job that dominates that the other person just fits around. If you both want to work you have to work around each other. This would involve your husband finding a job that didn’t involve working away as much as he does.

There are jobs I’d love to go for but the working hours would be completely unpredictable, which would severely restrict what my wife could work. So I can’t go for those jobs, at least until our son is much older.

NerrSnerr · 22/08/2022 13:51

If you don't have family to help or money for a nanny then one of you needs a standard 9-5 job. We are in that situation and you have to be realistic.

I know PP said the husband should change his job but as he hasn't had a career break I assuming he's earning more than the OP will currently make and not every family can survive with a pay cut, especially right now.

Relocatiorelocation · 22/08/2022 13:52

I imagine it feels hugely unfair, but realistically you aren't going to be able to work shifts. Start doing the groundwork now for wraparound, and when the baby gets their 30 hours you'll be set to go. Maybe use the year to unskilled or something?

AntlerRose · 22/08/2022 14:00

Its really hard when one partner has an away job / unusual hours.

Its also not easy to just get another job, for what in many ways is a temporary problem. It can take a while to find suitable employment and you dont get support if you make yourself unemployed on purpose.

Bootsandcat · 22/08/2022 14:36

Military family here. A few families I know have au pair if both parents are shift workers. Is that available where you are?

Original poster

MyFridgeIsRed · 22/08/2022 15:02

Unfortunately my DH can't get another job, he's military, and he loves his job. It's just the frustration of wanting to do something and not being able to. We've thought about an aupair, but we don't have the room, and the military won't give us a larger house just because we get an aupair.
I think I'm just stuck until the youngest goes to school. But then I feel we'll still have the problem of wrap around care being hard to get.
I've considered being a child minder myself and offering pick ups/drop offs at the school, there definitely seems to be a market for it!
I think it may be a case of managing expectations for a while and hoping that the perfect school hours job magically lands in my lap!
Thanks for letting me rant!

OP posts:

IndigoBlue · 22/08/2022 15:24

I don’t think there’s an easy answer, I have 4 kids and biding my time til the youngest starts secondary to potentially feel able to work for someone else that’s more hours than a school lunchtime assistant.
Yes it can be done but it’s a lot of juggling childcare and the unexpected appointments, illness etc.
I set up my own business so I can choose my own hours as that’s the only thing I could think of doing but that can be hard work and quite lonely working on my own. But something like child minding could work.

KangarooKenny · 22/08/2022 15:37

Can you buy your own house with an extra room ?

Topgub · 22/08/2022 16:54

Why is him loving his job more important than you having a job you want?

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 16:56

So you don't even get to have a job, because he loves his? How is that fair? He'll just have to find something else.

AntlerRose · 22/08/2022 16:58

Can you even just leave the military?

Relocatiorelocation · 22/08/2022 16:59

Have you been to see the welfare lady? She might know about childcare options locally that you haven't heard of.

I'm a bit surprised at the posters suggested DH just leaves the military. There's usually a years notice to serve, and lives are planned around military accommodation, pensionable age, pre retirement retaining etc. Its really not like leaving a job in Tesco.

NerrSnerr · 22/08/2022 17:17

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 16:56

So you don't even get to have a job, because he loves his? How is that fair? He'll just have to find something else.

It's really not as simple as finding something else. The OP would have gone into the relationship knowing he's in the military and you can't just hand in a 4 week notice!

If a female on her was the main earner in a relationship and her husband ask her to change her job because he wanted to do something specific he'd get a pasting!!

chillipenguin · 22/08/2022 17:19

NerrSnerr · 22/08/2022 17:17

It's really not as simple as finding something else. The OP would have gone into the relationship knowing he's in the military and you can't just hand in a 4 week notice!

If a female on her was the main earner in a relationship and her husband ask her to change her job because he wanted to do something specific he'd get a pasting!!

Show quote history

At this rate though OP can't do any job

babynoname22 · 22/08/2022 17:22

@MyFridgeIsRed the military are now
Paying for wrap around care. Won't help with shift work but you could look for something 9-5 ish.

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