To be so annoyed that I can't work because of childcare

[MyFridgeIsRed]

Just that really. I'm desperate to get back to work. I have an interview and have a high chance of getting this job. But because of the shift patterns and a husband who works away, it looks like I won't be able to take it even if they offered it to me.
I have 3dc of various ages, two are in school, one is nearly 2, trying to find wrap around care for two is next to impossible.
It's just infuriating, all of it. I just want a job. We have no family nearby so no help in that department.
So I guess I'm ranting at what feels very unfair right now. It seems like everybody around me either has a DH that works normal hours, or family nearby to help.
Aibu to be so frustrated by it all? And how does everyone else do it?

@MyFridgeIsRed

www.gov.uk/government/news/military-families-to-benefit-from-3000-of-childcare-support

We are a military family, I gave up my pre children job and work as a Parish Clerk. Almost entirely flexible hours and there is a shortage of qualified clerks so easy enough to find a role when we have to move. I get a babysitter for evening meetings if DH is away or attend them remotely when children are in bed.

I am in similar situation. My husband doing various shifts every single day so it's impossible to adjust, for example :
Monday 8am-6pm
Tuesday 5pm-1am, etc
We have no family in UK and all our friends working full time. I'm in London and was on the nursery waiting list for half a year. Finally got it from the end of September but only 4 hrs a day, so it means I need to find a childminder. Which costs minimum £8/h.And guess what - I can't find, all fully booked in my area. I applied for a few jobs, they all told me that they need someone on more hours or its again - mixed shifts (late evening, night).
I'm fed up.

I feel your pain, You can’t get wraparound childcare here so I end up doing crappy jobs as it fits in with school hours.

You need to think out of the box. I was you once - three kids, differing ages, husband worked shifts on a 2 morning, 2 late, 2 night, 4 days off pattern. Impossible to find childcare which would take them different days each week.

So I started working for myself instead.

YABU. Of course you can work. Plenty of parents work whilst paying high childcare fees. You just choose not to. Long term it will be better for you.

That would be a mammoth undertaking just to get a job.

Work from home and do your hours around childcare? There will always be something you can do online.

Military or not, your H needs to play his part. It’s entirely unfair that because of his career, you’re being told you can’t do anything. He could change jobs within the military to do something more 9-5 if he really wanted to!

Is your relationship really worth the sacrifice of being entirely restricted, never able to work, never able to rely on the other person actually - well - being there?!

I am the biggest advocate of equal parenting and working around, but I feel like some of the people replying don't really understand what working in the military means... Though I am surprised that you say everyone you know either has family or a partner who works normal hours - don't you know other military families? It is, unfortunately, pretty common for military partners to really struggle to find work that can accommodate childcare. Realistically you working shifts too is unlikely to work. What is the job - is there a more 9-5 equivalent?

My cousins wife is in the forces, so they have a similar problem. They now have an au pair, it means wrap around care etc isn’t an issue, plus its cheaper than two fulltime nursery places and a few household bits get done as well. Is it something that could work for you?

Why don't you? Clearly there's an unmet need. You could get a profitable business going.

When you say Services, do you mean Army or low-rank RAF?

I come from a serving family (mostly Navy, three generations). My mother travelled until I was four then got so frustrated that she came home and set up her own business, although we were lucky, because I had very involved and supportive grandparents.

Presumably you knew the difficulties you might face when you chose to have 3 kids though?

I worked as a single parent. With no support from their dad and very limited support from my parents as they lived quite far away.

I had to pick jobs that could be done using paid childcare. When in school it was breakfast and after school clubs. I couldn’t have taken a job with very late or early shifts. That’s just how it was. But those jobs gave me lots of experience and my career really benefitted from that.

Why is your husband loving his job more important than you loving yours?

@Seafretfreda If you haven’t experienced being married to somebody in the armed forces, how can you say her husband needs to pull his weight military or not?

How is he supposed to pull his weight from a war zone or on a nuclear submarine? My DH has working 60 hours basic plus every third weekend an extra 20 hours plus being on call 24/7. That’s on top of all the deployments he does with literally days notice that he’ll be gone for 3 months or whatever. I’d love to hear from you how he is supposed to pull his weight on the school run.

Didn't you anticipate this when you married?

If one parent works shifts/away/ very long hours the other will be restricted to m-f 9-5 jobs. As a single mum this was all I could apply for.

Husband has always worked away. I pay lots for childcare. When mine were all younger I paid a daycare for youngest and for wrap round for older 2. My earnings didnt cover childcare to begin with but worked my way up.

Jobs with nhs can be good as you can sometimes move job when you get posted.

Why would you set yourself up for failure and apply for a job your life choices mean you can't accept?

We do it by making choices that allow both of us to work because we both want to. We only have one dc, we both could be earning a lot more in our fields but have chosen lower stress jobs with fewer hours. We pay a fortune for a nanny because nursery places are impossible where we live. You are not unreasonable to be frustrated but you are unreasonable not to see how YOUR choices have put you in this place, ie, choosing to have that number if children, husband did CHOOSE to be in the military etc.

when I got a job after mat leave (moved abroad while on leave) I told DH if we couldn’t find childcare before I started he’d have to take unpaid leave until we did and he was fully onboard. We didn’t get to this point without making any sacrifices/thinking carefully about future choices.

Agree

Most people can find a reason not to work

Bank care work is very flexiable if you sign up to an agency and each week pick and choose what and when you want to work.

Once your child is 3 you will get 30 hours and can do three days a week minimum.

Where do you live? What hours are the job? Can't you get a childminder ? She'd have all kids, from say 7.30am, take the 2 to school, keep the 2 year old. Pick up 2 dc from school and keep them all till you pick them up at say 6pm?

I read the op as there wasnt childcare available for the type of shift work for the job in question.

I am not sure why people feel there is lots of childcare available outside pretty standard 8-6 hours. There isnt much in my area outside of this.

I have to laugh at the “ well, he’ll just have to get another job then”. It’s very often not that simple. What if OP’s job could not make up the difference between a different job more locally and his military job, for instance. What if there are long term plans (and there often are, when it comes to the military) and leaving (well, leaving when able) would mess those plans up and quite possibly mean a financial penalty (or losing out financially)? And OP can’t just “tell” her partner to leave his job.

If he had this job when OP met and married him and/or had this job when they chose to have children, or he went into it with her agreement, then it really isn’t straightforward to say he must leave the job he loves because of these difficulties. That might just create a whole new set of problems for them, which is hardly helpful. It is difficult for OP, it is frustrating but she cannot simply unilaterally decide he’s giving up his job so she can get one. I trained for a long time to do my job, it’s the job I did when I met my DH and when we chose to have children. We both knew the score and if he unilaterally decided I had to give up my job as it no longer suited him, I’m afraid I’d decline his demand. And it would probably cause significant fracture in our relationship- why would he want me to give that all up, when he knows how hard I worked to get here and that I enjoy my work? I might be prepared to look at some compromise if he was very unhappy and alternatives had been looked at. For example, reducing hours or possibly even a location change, or something, but if he unilaterally announced he’s decided I had to quit, I’d refuse. And probably end the relationship.

I wonder if working for yourself- such as childminding, might be an option. Or could you speak to welfare about childcare as they may be aware of something you haven’t thought of or something you are entitled to that you don’t know about. May be that there really isn’t anything, but worthwhile looking at.

@fyn - well, presumably she knew that when they got together and had children. That is what she signed up for. But people change - maybe she wants to do something else now. Should she be bound by choices made years ago? Always?