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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend & money

67 replies

Whoopwhoop22 · 22/08/2022 13:08

Unsure whether I am BU or if friend is taking the piss.

I have fairly well paid job, when I say fairly well paid it's ok for me but by no means am I a high earner but I manage well. I am frugal with my wages, I save and only buy what I need when I need it. I certainly don't waste it. Friend on the other hand works 4 days and has a lower paid job but won't think much of spending silly amounts of money on designer clothes, takeaways, alcohol, fags and getting her nails done and she is basically always skint.

Almost on a daily basis at the moment I am receiving text messages asking for £10, £20, £30, £40 for food, drink etc To be fair she has always paid it back when she says she will until recently. £50 she borrowed last week hasn't been paid back when she said she'd pay it. Today I received a text asking for another £40.

When I replied saying she hadn't repaid £50 from last week she said she'd forgotten but would give me £90 when she gets paid. The thing is though if I lent it her I'd have another text by Wednesday if not tomorrow asking for more and I do believe it will get to the point where I won't be able to get my money back off her.

The almost daily texts asking me for money are driving me mad!! She borrowed £600 off one of our other friends over a year ago and was supposed to pay £100 back a month but still owes £200 and is showing absolutely no sign of paying that back anytime soon.

She chooses to smoke, drink and waste her money then ends up owing most of her wages out when she gets paid and doesn't really like having to pay people back. Last week 5 out of 7 days I had a text asking for money. I'm starting to dread my phone pinging because I can almost guarantee it's her wanting money.

We've been friends 20 years, she's always been awful with money but more so after splitting up with her ex partner. If the money was for gas, electric a food shop I'd not mind helping out occasionally but she'll ask for £30 for a takeaway and wine. If I spent my wages like that I'd be skint too!!

Am I BU just to say no??

OP posts:
sevenoh · 22/08/2022 13:11

Yabu to allow this to go on for so long but YANBU to say no, you may lose the £50 and the friend but what's the alternative?

Hoolahulahoop · 22/08/2022 13:13

The daily messages would just make me feel used. Just say you don't have it that you are broke as she owes you 50

It's ridiculous

Hoolahulahoop · 22/08/2022 13:15

I would also ask for the 50 back right away and say that you no longer want to receive texts or begging for money. That's not what a real friendship is about. If you lose her so be it.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 22/08/2022 13:16

Say no and say it hard.

She's using you.

And you're letting her.

Brefugee · 22/08/2022 13:17

Say no every time. Just one word "no" and ignore it after that.

dormouses · 22/08/2022 13:17

Just say no! Use the cost of living rise as an excuse if you need one and say you are sorry but you're no longer in a position to help her. And make sure you get the £50 back too.

Brefugee · 22/08/2022 13:18

god no - no excuses "i need it myself" or she'll be watching what you buy etc.
Just "no". Not even "sorry, no" just no.
And ask her every day for the 50quid back

BashfulClam · 22/08/2022 13:21

No and I need that £50 back asap. You are basically supporting 2 people on your wages.

abovedecknotbelow · 22/08/2022 13:22

Don't lend money to anyone.

Whoopwhoop22 · 22/08/2022 13:23

I have said I need to cut back on my outgoings due to rising costs.

The texts do make me feel used but also very frustrated. Friend has said it's due to the summer holiday's and having to buy uniforms etc so I have put up with it more than I usually would off but I am starting to think she's taking the piss now when she'll ask for £30 for a takeaway and wine because she can't be bothered to cook. Some day I can't be bothered to cook either but wouldn't waste money on takeaways!!

OP posts:
Meraas · 22/08/2022 13:23

You would be barking mad to give her more money.

Solongtoshort · 22/08/2022 13:24

Say no, l was in a position a few weeks ago and l felt like l just couldn’t do it anymore, luckily l was able to get help through the school to get my”friend” some help as she has 3 kids, no food and also smokes. Since l have started saying no and telling her where the food banks are she no longer asks me for money/ even bothers to send a message to say how are you so l know were l stand now.

MatildaTheCat · 22/08/2022 13:26

You need advice on putting an end to this ridiculous situation not asking if you are BU.

Its obvious your ‘friend’ has no filter and no shame. Send a blunt text saying you need that £50 back asap for ‘an unexpected bill’ and next time she asks tell her no, cost of living crisis means you have no spare cash and everyone ( even her) has to accept that and live within their budget. After that ignore all begging texts.

Shes going to be in real trouble soon when winter hits. Don’t get sucked in.

BarbaraofSeville · 22/08/2022 13:26

How long has this been going on for? It's very strange to be doing it so much, especially as she pays back normally - suggests she's not actually short of money, although it could be that she's literally 'robbing Peter to pay Paul'

Have you talked to her about it? Has something changed in her life?

Surely when she's spending as she is, but paying it back, she does have enough money but she might need to organise herself a bit better?

Next time she asks, say no (and mean it and stick to it) but offer to help her go through her finances, to solve her problem without borrowing from friends all the time. It would be much less stressful for her, to not have to keep track of it all like this too.

Whoopwhoop22 · 22/08/2022 13:26

@Solongtoshort

It's draining isn't it.

OP posts:
chilliesandspices · 22/08/2022 13:27

Say no, you can't keep lending her money. Continue asking for the £50 back but in your head, write it off so it stings less if she doesn't bother. You might find she goes quiet and avoids paying once she realised you're not going to lend again.

Solongtoshort · 22/08/2022 13:32

@Whoopwhoop22 OMG yes, l will say l feel less anxious about my phone beeping, l am a little bit worried about school starting again incase it starts again but l will just say no again.

Vallmo47 · 22/08/2022 13:32

YANBU to stop lending her money.
YABU to lend her anything given that she owes you and others money.
But tread carefully- if you are too stern you can kiss that £50 goodbye.

Whoopwhoop22 · 22/08/2022 13:34

@BarbaraofSeville she has always been terrible with money but only ever occasionally asked me to lend her money in the past which were for genuine reasons. I got myself a good job about a year ago and she googled what pay I was getting and seemed to think suddenly I was loded which is completely not the case which I have expalained several times.

She has became really bad asking for money since she split with her partner. He would get paid and give her the majority of his wages and now she's getting child maintenance off him and not the big portion of his wages she was used to but still lives the same lifestyle as she did when she could afford it and literally hasn't cut back on anything.

OP posts:
Quveas · 22/08/2022 13:40

I think I'd have stopped lending money (not that I often do, and only to close friends) the minute someone googled my wages. That is a huge red flag. But if you want to keep her as a friend you may need to be willing to lose her as a friend, because the only sensible thing to do is to say that you are sorry but you are unable to lend her money at all now. You don't need to provide an excuse or an explanation. If she falls out with you over that, then she isn't your friend and she's just using you.

Ourlady · 22/08/2022 13:43

Yabu I for allowing yourself to be bullied into constantly lending her money. Tell her all of your spare cash is now in an account where you can’t withdraw for a certain period of time (years).

iRun2eatCake · 22/08/2022 13:45

So what are you going to do OP?

icelolly12 · 22/08/2022 13:45

She sees you as a cash cow. Just say no- you don't need to give an explanation.

BarbaraofSeville · 22/08/2022 13:49

I agree that you need to start saying no and sticking to it, chances are she's going to get into a worse mess as bills and food keeps going up. So even if she's paying you back now, she might not be able to in the future.

What you earn and what spare money you have are irrelevant. She can't be spending your money because she's spent all hers.

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 22/08/2022 13:49

Yep! Just say 'no.'