Friend & money

[Whoopwhoop22]

Unsure whether I am BU or if friend is taking the piss.

I have fairly well paid job, when I say fairly well paid it's ok for me but by no means am I a high earner but I manage well. I am frugal with my wages, I save and only buy what I need when I need it. I certainly don't waste it. Friend on the other hand works 4 days and has a lower paid job but won't think much of spending silly amounts of money on designer clothes, takeaways, alcohol, fags and getting her nails done and she is basically always skint.

Almost on a daily basis at the moment I am receiving text messages asking for £10, £20, £30, £40 for food, drink etc To be fair she has always paid it back when she says she will until recently. £50 she borrowed last week hasn't been paid back when she said she'd pay it. Today I received a text asking for another £40.

When I replied saying she hadn't repaid £50 from last week she said she'd forgotten but would give me £90 when she gets paid. The thing is though if I lent it her I'd have another text by Wednesday if not tomorrow asking for more and I do believe it will get to the point where I won't be able to get my money back off her.

The almost daily texts asking me for money are driving me mad!! She borrowed £600 off one of our other friends over a year ago and was supposed to pay £100 back a month but still owes £200 and is showing absolutely no sign of paying that back anytime soon.

She chooses to smoke, drink and waste her money then ends up owing most of her wages out when she gets paid and doesn't really like having to pay people back. Last week 5 out of 7 days I had a text asking for money. I'm starting to dread my phone pinging because I can almost guarantee it's her wanting money.

We've been friends 20 years, she's always been awful with money but more so after splitting up with her ex partner. If the money was for gas, electric a food shop I'd not mind helping out occasionally but she'll ask for £30 for a takeaway and wine. If I spent my wages like that I'd be skint too!!

Am I BU just to say no??

She Googled your salary? That tells you all you need to know about your value (price) to her. As @icelolly12 said, she sees you as a cash cow. Wake up to that fact.

I think your last line is the best response to her:

If I spent my wages like [you] I'd be skint too!!

Recommend keep on asking her for the £50 back so she can see how annoying it is. Absolutely refuse to lend her any more and you could say that you are beginning to think that she is only friends with you as she sees you as a source of income. Or you could say something more tactful such as "I'm not lending money any more as I want us to be friends who enjoy each other's company with neither of us feeling that we are being used."

For a birthday or Christmas present, recommend giving her a copy of Alvin Hall's book www.amazon.co.uk/Your-Money-Life-Practical-Improving/dp/1416596623/ref=asc_df_1416596623/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310737150369&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6799624719548719437&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045930&hvtargid=pla-646436834317&psc=1&th=1&psc=1
I used to watch his series years ago and he was very good at helping people see how they had got into a mess and how they could help themselves get out of it.

Really easy to text back ‘I don’t have any extra, sorry’ on repeat. Asking for money for wine and takeaways is taking the piss, big time.

She had text me since writing this post asking for £20 as she understands £40 is a bit steep considering she owes me £50

I have replied saying no I can't afford to keep lending out money and I definitely won't even consider it when she's not paid what she owes. She's replied saying she understands and she'll repay the £50 when she gets paid next week so I suppose we'll wait and see.

Just say no.

If it helps say your mortgage has gone up so you won’t be able to lend any more. If you don’t think it will piss her off send a link to step change for help with managing her money,

I had a so called "friend" like this. I lent her 20 quid here and there, and in fairness always got it back. However over time, the amounts crept up and requests became more frequent. I didn't say no, I asked was there any bill I could help with (I wouldn't see anyone hungry or cold), and if she gave me the details I would pay something towards it for her.

Never heard another word. Turns out she was using money from various "friends" to pay for a trip to see her toyboy in Turkey. Glad I got sense just in time.

I do not lend anyone money anymore. Ever. Sorry I did my bit and no more. Not one member of my family has ever asked me for a loan.

Do not loan her any more money. You are not her personal Pay Day Loan company.

Alternatively, DO loan her the money but charge her daily interest at the rate that the pay day lenders do. Drafty has an interest rate of 89.7% APR. Apply this daily to her amount on a cumulative rate.

She'll soon stop asking.

Say you can't afford to give any more until the fifty is paid back, then once she has paid it, next time she asks give a refusal like "I'm really sorry I won't be able to lend any money from now on. I know you always pay it back (put this in to pre empt her coning back with it as a reason for why its ok to lend to her) but with the cost of living I'm struggling myself now so just cant afford to be down odd amounts at different times."

Only because if you tell her no and never again now she might think she may as well keep hold of the fifty seeing as she won't get anymore out of you!

I got myself into a situation & now I’ve vowed never to lend money again. I’m owed £100 & it’s very unlikely I will see it again.

@latetothefisting this is what I've done, I've said I can't consider lending anymore until the £50 is paid back. If she pays it back I'm just going to put a total stop to it and say never again so don't even ask.

@thefizz thank god you figured it out. I'd never be able to ask a friend for money unless I was absolutely desperate.

Like you though I would help out if someone was without food or heating or struggling with a bill but I know I've just been having the piss taken out of me, especially over the last 4-5 weeks.

"I'm starting to dread my phone pinging because I can almost guarantee it's her wanting money."
Tell her this.

I know you're already told her but it might be worth thinking about why you even needed to ask the question in the first place

Are you a people pleaser, some kind of push over? You can see from the replies that your situation is very unusual, how has it been able to develop?

Tell her to fuck of! You aren't a bank.

I would just say No I cant and leave it at that.TBH she is making things worse for herself really .She needs to speak to someone for financial advice and help ,not keep scamming her mates for loans! Maybe say goodbye to the fifty quid and treat it as a life lesson "Never a Borrower or a lender be" as the old saying goes!

Googling your salary shows her true intentions, she must see you have a frugal lifestyle( as do I) then somehow feels entitled to a chunk of it!
I think you have to be really blunt with someone like this, who sees you as a soft touch.
I'd say something like " I can't afford to subsidise your lifestyle any longer
Can you please repay the £50 by....
Tough shit if she's offended. If she was a true friend she wouldn't ask

I had a conversation with a friend who was skint. I said I'd help where i could but if she ever asked for money that would be the end of the friendship. She did live with me for free for 4 months and I did end up having to ask her to leave. Piss taker with the heating.

I find it's common for those who like to regularly borrow money from friends to also believe it's ok to only pay a proportion of it back. If you show any sign of being argumentative (totally justified!) over the £50 she owes, she'll see that as her justification to tell you to stick it. So my advice is stay friendly until you've got it back (or as much of it as you're likely to get) then block her. She's not your friend she's a user.

I think you need to just tell her you won’t be lending any more money. No need for a reason. But sounds like you’ve worked this one out for yourself!

I've said I can't consider lending anymore until the £50 is paid back

Very sensible of you, OP
She probably will pay it back this time - not out of decency but to keep the loans coming - so when and if you get it, just stop completely

Most likely the pleas will get more inventive, but luckily you already know the situation so can pay no attention. I suppose you could signpost some money management advice, but doubt she'll want it ... IME this sort rarely do

Same-I’m £140 down and she does her best to avoid me in the street but can afford another baby/weed/booze/crap

She’s not a friend, just a random who has realized she can keep tapping you for cash.
say No - I predict she’ll disappear off to find someone else to sponge off.

Of course YANBU. Why would you lend/give someone money to spend on things that you don't buy for yourself because you're budgeting?

In many ways, you’re enabling her behaviour. Every time you give her some, , you’re effectively saying it’s okay to ask. She then gets in the viscous circle of paying it back, and then needing to ask for money as she hasn’t got any.

Use the cost of living as an excuse, and say you can no longer sub her. Don’t listen to her sob stories.

What you earn is irrelevant - you are not her personal bank. Don’t let her guilt trip you into lending her money, her financial mess is not your responsibility.

You’ll may find that when you stop giving her money, she’ll find another (mug) to ask, and will drift from you. Ie. Her friendship with you is only based on what money she can borrow.

It's so difficult OP.
Had a friend who was a single parent with four children.
She was always 'a bit short.'
Never seemed to be able to find her card , in a shop. Always ran out of petrol.
Strangely enough, often came to work in a flash frock or gorgeous shoes.
It was the designer pets that got me .
Strangely enough, once my bank account said 'no' the friendship ended.

Thank goodness you've seen sense.
There's loads of these cfers about. A woman I work with asks other workmates for cash all the time. Asked a single mam for £100. Shocking. Never asked me though. She knows I'd tell her to fuck right off.