Sister armchair diagnosed DD with autism

[Mancie]

My DD is 2 years old and 2 months. My sister has been saying for a while that DD is “clearly” autistic. Reason being DD does not like most people. There are 3 or 4 people she likes but she’s now decided decided she dislikes her grandma (my mum) who has looked after her weekly since she was a newborn. DD does not play with other children, won’t even talk to them and if they try and talk to her she will turn away or start y to cry. She will not talk to adults either.

She rarely eats. Recently went 2 days without eating a single thing. She can say words (kind of) but does not talk in sentences. She will spend hours playing with “containers” as in putting something in a container and then taking it out again and will sing the same song over and over again for hours and does not get bored of it.

But she had good eye contact. Will point to stuff etc

What do you think? AIbU to say she’s a typical 2 year old??

Nobody can say for sure but a family history of ASD is another indicator. I see why your sister is saying something however badly put. We also have siblings on each side with kids with ND diagnoses as well.

I have one whose eye contact is fine - the same one who hated other kids (especially peers) for years. The other one it's not so much eye contact as she's just not interested in saying hello or goodbye or people when she's doing something else.

You'll find plenty, millions of people to minimise your concerns about girls.

If your sister has a child with autism, then her comments might be coming from a place of encouraging you to seek support and intervention as early as possible.

Is your DD receiving any additional support, such as speech therapy?

I'd be more concerned about the not eating tbh. 2 days is a very long time for a toddler to go without food.

I think it's too early to say whether or not your daughter has autism and her fascinations / repetitive behaviours could just be her way of learning through schema.

It's also possible she could have selective mutism, it's impossible to know from a limited snapshot like this. However, if I was her mum I would be speaking to my GP and at the very least trying to get her on the waiting list for speech and language therapy services. If she does turn out to need support its much easier to get it when you are already in the system x

As a parent of two autistic children I would say that although your sister was wrong to armchair diagnose there re several red flags and it may be worth a chat to a health professional.

You say AIBU to say typical 2 year old but then give examples in OP and after of examples where she behaved very differently to other toddlers

Very annoying to be armchair diagnosed (although def relevant that your sister has an autistic DC, both for actual experience and maybe genetics) but good to escalate asap to HV/GP for advice and support if that becomes necessary

She sounds like she has a few traits of autism, but at such a young age it is difficult to diagnose without a proper assessment. Eye contact isn’t a clear sign that she doesn’t have autism but neither is only liking a handful of people, the opposite.

I would contact a professional for a referral, I think your sister some has valid concerns.
The intense interest in objects rather than people could be a sign.

However your sister can’t possibly diagnose your child with autism and shouldn’t be so matter of fact.

Have you got a 2 year check with the HV coming up OP? That would be exactly the place to talk through any concerns you have. Also agree with pp saying asking any childcare professionals if they have concerns.

I'm with the sister. She's your family and unless there's back story won't be saying it to hurt you.
I've been accused of similar with my own kids.
Right. Both times.
I've noticed it in others. Again correct.

I think it depends on context. Listen but then decide for yourself if it's a something or nothing. Mothers instincts are pretty good.
If in doubt ask for referrals if you want to xx

To be honest OP you are describing some ASC characteristics, and I would not say your DD's behviour is exactly typical for two - though two year olds can often seem shy and obsessive or even crazy (see the Cutted Up Pear thread in classics)! But no-one could say your DD is "clearly" autistic either. Your DD is only two years old. She has a lot of growing up and developing still to do and her social and sensory development could come along a lot over the next year.

One thing that struck me about my DS, with hindsight, is that he would only play with a toy in one way. He would stack the stacking cups (he could stack them upside down!) and quickly and correctly put the all shapes in the sorter. It came as a kind of shock to me when a friend's DD hung the stacking cups on the shape sorter! (DS was diagnosed later, at age 6)

Agree with PP who say it would be good to talk to the GP or HV. Your DD's speech and language and her social confidence might benefit from some SLT, whether or not she has an ASC.

It sounds like your sister is right to be concerned and you should definitely speak to your HV.
I raised concerns with my sister that I had for my nephew as I didn’t think he was developing the same as our other children and there were lots of red flags. She didn’t believe me and her DH’s family told her I was seeing things that weren’t there. He was eventually diagnosed with a global developmental delay, ADHD, dyspraxia and autism.
I wasn’t trying to be mean or armchair diagnose him, I just wanted her to seek early intervention as it is so important for the child.
good luck op

Your sister shouldn’t be diagnosing your DD but it does sound like your DD could do with a bit of support with her development, particularly her speech. I’ve worked in SEN for years and have a DD with ASD and it does sound like ASD would be something to consider but more importantly, your DD would have been born in lockdown wouldn’t she? There’s been research showing ‘lockdown babies’ are developmentally behind where they would normally be expected to be, so before pursuing a diagnosis I would get her into a nursery. This will help her social skills and her speech and communication. And the nursery will pick up on anything like potential ASD.

My DD2 was born in lockdown and she hates most adults, loves other kids but apart from my parents/siblings she just hides from other adults (including DHs family). I do think lockdown has had an affect on her fear of other people as DD1 was never this bad.

ASD doesn’t necessarily mean no eye contact/pointing though and it doesn’t always present in the typical way for girls so it is something to consider. DD was very developmentally ‘normal’ and issues only became apparent at daycare/nursery.

As a mum and aunt to autistic children, I would say that yes it's worth chatting to a health professional about these things sooner or later. We suspected autism for years before going to get medical help / diagnosis because we didn't see the need for the label, so in my opinion there is no rush, it's not like there is a cure or much support available once you have the diagnosis. Keep it in your mind and carry on doing your best for you little one.

It's possible.
Suggesting autism isn't an insult.
Based of what you've said, I would ask for her to be assessed.

Both my children have autism. One didn't point, one did.

And yes, female autism is often missed because people think of the typically male presentation so the needs of girls with autism often go unmet.

I dont armchair diagnose to friends unless I'm asked, but I have a 100% hit rate for spotting autism in friends' kids way before they get the ball rolling for diagnosis. If it were my sister I would perhaps gently suggest it, but I would leave it at that if I thought it upset her.

What you've described sounds like a lot of autistic traits, and is worth investigating. Your sister is probably onto something. But unless you asked her for that opinion she probably should have kept her opinions to herself. She might be trying to help you access help and support early because the sooner you get on those lists the better really, early intervention is key with supporting autism.

From what you've said, I think you might want to look into it. The spectrum is broad and making eye contact doesn't mean you are not on it. My mum is level 2 ASD and she talks lots and makes eye contact just fine. If your DD is autistic, early support can be really helpful.

My son is now 18 and has several friends who have had lots of problems throughout their education who have clear traits of autism. Several have confided to ds that they think they are autistic but no-one picked up on what to me are clear traits when they were younger.

I now see my son about to head off to uni with DSA and adjustments and support in place and these other young people don't have these things in place and so are struggling and are now too old to seek diagnosis without huge waiting lists or going private.

If only someone had suggested they be assessed when they were younger and had time on their side.

Fwiw my autistic son has beautiful eye contact, it's how he makes sure he gets what he wants.

I think the speech isn't particularly delayed for a covid affected 2 yo but you will be looking for signs that it is progressing. My DS is 2.5 and only just putting words together and I have spoken to multiple professionals who are not in any way concerned.

However while each thing in isolation isn't too concerning the whole picture would raise some red flags. She's having some trouble socially and seems to have some sensory concerns. She's very young so may develop a lot in the next year but hopefully at your 2 year review you can raise your concerns with your HV.

Your sister hasn't gone about things in a particularly kind way and is not trained to diagnose autism however she is hopefully trying to kindly suggest she maybe needs a little support. I have a family member who I have absolutely no doubt is autistic and had literally every single typical sign but his parents have not pursued diagnosis.

if you’ve met one child with autism, you’ve met ONE child with autism. No two will be the same so she should not be diagnosing.
However, I would have concerns over some of her behaviours.

I would start the process of having her assessed OP.
She is very young and it's impossible for anyone here to know, but your sister's concerns may be valid. She will know a lot about autism having an autistic child, and it's also possible there's a genetic link.
It's better to assess and find no issues rather than delay and miss out on the early support she may need.
Also, my DS has autism and has no problems with eye contact - everyone's different.
Your sister may have told you of her concerns a bit clumsily - but she was absolutely right to tell you if she thinks your DD may need support. And to be frank there's no easy way to say it.

It is ok to give an opinion to close family though, she's not a random. The reason for going to professionals as soon as you have concerns is:
a) waiting lists, waiting lists, waiting lists
b) you don't want to wait for a traumatising crisis at school or nursery to happen that could be avoided with adjustments made upfront
c) understanding their particular difficulties will help you make better parenting choices d) self knowledge - I am not bad because I struggle to listen in groups/with transitions/with other children etc.

A friend said to me - the absence of a label isn't saving them from the judgment of other people.