Is this a fair punishment for a DC?

[Justfiguringitout]

Today I've been reflecting on something from my childhood. My mum has always held this up as an example of good parenting.

When I was young I had a special item of jewellery that my parents gifted to me, I adored it and wore it all the time.

When I was about 11 or 12 I was at a friend's house and when I got home I realised it was missing (I think I'd taken it off to get in her pool!). I was so upset and filled with an ice cold fear - my mum cannot find out about this. I can feel my chest tightening as I remember this panic!

In the age before mobiles I had to wait until school on Monday to pray the friend had found it. I couldn't risk using the home phone to call her in case mum heard.

Unfortunately it was gone, she hadn't and couldn't find it. I remember weeks of worry over this, my plan was to take all my upcoming birthday money and try and buy a replacement, I just had to keep it quiet until then.

Of course, one day my mum mentioned I wasn't wearing it. I said I just didn't fancy wearing it and mum insisted I went and got it and showed it to her (I'm guessing my poker face sucked!). All hell broke loose.

I actually cannot remember what was said at all. I know she was angry (not physically or screaming though). I remember crying my eyes out both in front of her and privately and apologising profusely.

The next morning all was calm and happy but I felt very on edge. Went to school, picked up, everything still happy. I'd gotten away with it!!

Then I walk into my bedroom and it's stripped bare. Everything is gone. Pictures, posters, clothes, teddies everything. My wardrobe has school uniforms and a pair of pj's in it. I just sat down in it in shock.

Later I go down for dinner, mums Eyebrows are in her hairline. I'm told I obviously cannot care for possessions and therefore I'll have to "earn" everything back.

Eventually most things were returned over the course of months though I always suspected some "junk" was thrown away. Obviously this was quite a distressing time as I was very attached to my possessions.

Funnily enough about a year later I pulled out the bag I'd taken with me and the item fell out. In my panic I can't have checked through it properly, it was stuck in a seam i think. I have never worn it since, I still own it though but can't really look at it. I also now live as a total minimalist, I own no jewellery, nic naks etc. I have absolutely no attachment to any possessions, valuing something makes me quite anxious actually - though my children have plenty of stuff!!

To my mum this is an example of her "no nonsense" parenting and how she could keep all of us in line. As I parent my own DCs and reflect on some of my childhood I'm starting to think this is not normal... what do you think?

YABU - this is a fair and standard punishment for what you did.

YANBU - this was not fair or normal. I would not do this to my DCs.

Scenario should have been - kid very upset at losing item so tells mum who consoles kid and makes them feel better.

The way you knew you'd get into trouble and then did is v sad. V v sad :(

Just to say, I have we seen this course om of action recommended do many times on mn for a naughty/lazy teen.
Of course you weren't n aughty!

I’ve had a lot of therapy and it has helped no end. Like you, I’ve parented very differently. When my dd (14) is in trouble, she knows she can come to me. I am by no means perfect but have always told her however cross I am about something she’s done or said, she can always ask me for a hug.

Dd also has a couple of pieces of jewellery she wears constantly and loves. A couple of times she thought she’d lost one of the bits and my attitude is very much, it doesn’t matter, it’s only jewellery. I’d be really upset (sad, not cross) if she lost something of higher value, which we’ve been adding to for the last few years. But nothing is irreplaceable and she and her emotional needs are far more important than anything else.

I was too afraid of wearing anything I loved growing up due to my mother’s reaction when I lost something age 3 when we were out shopping. It is hard to process how she blamed me when I was little more than a baby!

What your mother did was really shocking. It may well be that she didn’t know any better. My dh says my maternal grandmother was not a nice person. I didn’t have a warm relationship with her but had never thought of it like that as for me, gps were supposed to be obeyed and revered… not that I am in any way excusing your mother. She made choices in her life as did your father and the United front parenting no matter what is bullshit and a lazy excuse. Sometimes one parent needs to step forward and call the other out.

The story of your dsis being locked away naked @StarDolphins is truly horrendous. Idk whether you were subjected to such extreme abuse. What I find was witnessing how my brother was treated was incredibly scary and he seems less affected by his childhood than I. But I suppose he had someone to take it out on, ie me. It just occurred to me that perhaps this is also why witnessing what he was subjected to was doubly scary as he’d serve his revenge on me.

This is awful. I'm sorry your mum behaved like that. Do you tell her it is the exact opposite of good parenting?

I know I've seen it before! And that's kind of why I asked the question because it's a "punishment" that I've heard others recommend and support therefore I guessed it must have been OK and I was just upset at being in trouble as any teen would be!

Though when I think about it now in terms of my own kids, what lesson was I meant to be learning? How could I change my behaviour? It was a mistake and one that I knew would have me in trouble which is why I went to such lengths to hide it. Though I suspect the deception just added fuel to the fire!

To be fair it would be very unusual to see someone suggest removing every possession a child owns for losing a necklace. Usually when I see it suggested it’s people saying ‘remove all electronics etc’ when a teen has been aggressive/extremely disrespectful.

Children lose things. If this item was so important, why did she give it to a child? It's almost as if she was setting you up to fail.

Ime such incidents of abuse stay with you. A woman at dc's primary school stripped her dd's bed of everything after bouts of bedwetting. That girl had a black bag taped to her mattress Nothing else on it. Haunted me tbh. My ds wets the bed as a teenager and it is absolutely never mentioned..
I hope your dm isn't in your life now op.

Very inappropriate. Professional, sensible middle aged adults lose things! To err is human. Your reaction is appropriate but upsetting, knowing you've cut yourself off from any sentiment to any objects. If it gets brought up again I would use the lines one of the first pps said.

Unquestionably abusive parenting. I wish you luck in coming to peace with your childhood and your relationship with your mother. Do what you need to for yourself. Don’t worry about her.

Jesús no. That's horrendous.

The correct thing is to understand it was an accident, you were clearly upset, to help you look for it and then teach you about making sure you put things in safe places.

Your mums a nasty get.

This makes me really sad OP.

I remember reading a post on here years ago about a woman who was sick of the amount of cuddly toys her children had (it did sound extensive tbf) and she stealthily got rid of a few.

The kids noticed quickly and were very upset as she had got rid of their ‘friends’. She was stricken with guilt and vowed never to get rid of her childrens things without their permission. I don’t know why but that has always stuck with me.

looking back I feel like as a child I had far too much tat, and now I am pregnant I grimace thinking that my house might become full to the brim of stuff… but my mum never got rid of anything. I remember being really young and a toy garage had went missing. After questioning it my mum explained she had accidentally stepped on it.

i do feel I put a lot of pressure on myself to look after possessions and keep tabs on them as an adult and it really annoys me when other people do not do the same (such as my boyfriend losing an expensive head torch or my sister not drying out a tent). But I could never see myself doing anything as extreme as your mother. As PP have mentioned the punishment for losing something is you no longer have it. Perhaps if a child were repeatedly careless about losing or damaging items then maybe it would be time for a chat, and i would be asking myself what I could do to help.

it can be hard to look back on our childhoods and realise that maybe not everything was perfect. But your mother sounds abusive and i would be trying to put some distance between your children and her. What you said about the milk on the sofa shows that there are no problems with your parenting. Shit happens and having kids hide damage etc just makes things way worse.