Is this a fair punishment for a DC?

[Justfiguringitout]

Today I've been reflecting on something from my childhood. My mum has always held this up as an example of good parenting.

When I was young I had a special item of jewellery that my parents gifted to me, I adored it and wore it all the time.

When I was about 11 or 12 I was at a friend's house and when I got home I realised it was missing (I think I'd taken it off to get in her pool!). I was so upset and filled with an ice cold fear - my mum cannot find out about this. I can feel my chest tightening as I remember this panic!

In the age before mobiles I had to wait until school on Monday to pray the friend had found it. I couldn't risk using the home phone to call her in case mum heard.

Unfortunately it was gone, she hadn't and couldn't find it. I remember weeks of worry over this, my plan was to take all my upcoming birthday money and try and buy a replacement, I just had to keep it quiet until then.

Of course, one day my mum mentioned I wasn't wearing it. I said I just didn't fancy wearing it and mum insisted I went and got it and showed it to her (I'm guessing my poker face sucked!). All hell broke loose.

I actually cannot remember what was said at all. I know she was angry (not physically or screaming though). I remember crying my eyes out both in front of her and privately and apologising profusely.

The next morning all was calm and happy but I felt very on edge. Went to school, picked up, everything still happy. I'd gotten away with it!!

Then I walk into my bedroom and it's stripped bare. Everything is gone. Pictures, posters, clothes, teddies everything. My wardrobe has school uniforms and a pair of pj's in it. I just sat down in it in shock.

Later I go down for dinner, mums Eyebrows are in her hairline. I'm told I obviously cannot care for possessions and therefore I'll have to "earn" everything back.

Eventually most things were returned over the course of months though I always suspected some "junk" was thrown away. Obviously this was quite a distressing time as I was very attached to my possessions.

Funnily enough about a year later I pulled out the bag I'd taken with me and the item fell out. In my panic I can't have checked through it properly, it was stuck in a seam i think. I have never worn it since, I still own it though but can't really look at it. I also now live as a total minimalist, I own no jewellery, nic naks etc. I have absolutely no attachment to any possessions, valuing something makes me quite anxious actually - though my children have plenty of stuff!!

To my mum this is an example of her "no nonsense" parenting and how she could keep all of us in line. As I parent my own DCs and reflect on some of my childhood I'm starting to think this is not normal... what do you think?

YABU - this is a fair and standard punishment for what you did.

YANBU - this was not fair or normal. I would not do this to my DCs.

That was a very harsh punishment but also ridiculous! You losing something wasn't naughty behaviour, just an accident. It's not like you were bullying or stealing or something really awful. I would never have been that terrified to tell my mum I'd lost something. If I did tell her she'd probably just have rolled her eyes or something - no punishment. I'm sorry you went through that.

I am considering if therapy/counselling would be beneficial as I start this process of thinking "this wasn't ok". But was seriously doubting that anything was serious enough to actually warrant that.

It was literally only in typing out this post that I thought how attached I was to every stuffed animal, note from a friend, holiday trinket etc and the fact that now I could literally bin everything I own and walk away without a second thought because I refuse to give any emotional attachment to objects.

I had a similar childhood with my dad, "lost" a watch and a necklace on 2 separate occasions, both later found, but he was convinced I'd sold them ( I was 11 and 12 at the time) in the meantime he went in a mood with me, wouldn't speak to me, banned kids TV, weeks, crisps, treats etc and pocket money.
If I so much as answered back as kids do then same again, mood for weeks or months and no treats etc.
One of my aunties (dad's sis) once told my mum "I think you're both rotten parents, him for being like that and you for letting him"
I think he thinks I've forgotten it all

That is awful parenting, and definitely not normal. It's because you don't know any different, that's why you would have not thought much of it at the time.

I have a similar DM, and remember her taking my 7th birthday present back to the shop because I'd pointed out that it said age 8+ on it. Never got anything to replace it, so it was a pretty rubbish birthday.

These narcissistic passive aggressive DM's are the worst, and I try my hardest every day to make sure my DC have a completely different experience, particularly emotionally and knowing they are loved, as I'm sure you do yours too.

Ha! That’s because we’ve both been brought up by people who are expert at minimising what they did! But my Mum would not have held out for a year like that. And she wouldn’t brag about it now (she’d probably deny it). Take care of yourself. It wasn’t normal. It wasn’t ok. And you’ve done brilliantly not to pass the behaviour down to your own kids xxx

Also I have therapy and it is expensive but so, so worth it. You’ll be amazed at just how much of your life has been affected by that fear just under the surface that never really goes.

Oh my word this is awful, so upsetting to read. You don’t need to walk on eggshells now, please try not to if you can.

My Mum locked my sister naked in her room & nailed down the windows because sge’d been out stealing/taking drugs & it totally wrecked my DS for life.

please be kind to yourself, this is NOT a no-nonsense approach- it’s utterly cruel & totally unnecessary.

JFC your mum is a cunt.
Call her out! Tell her you think she was a bitch then and no better now!

Gosh thank you for your message.

What brought it all up today was my son spilt chocolate milk on the sofa even though he knows there's not meant to be any drinks like that on there (it's new and I'd just like it to be nice for a bit!!).

He came tearing into the kitchen going "quick quick mum help, I'm so sorry I spilt some milk on the sofa!" And we went running with kitchen roll and vanish spray and I told him I was so glad he'd come and got me so we can get the stain out before it sets. And I suddenly thought that little me would have covered it up, sat in fear all day, set an alarm in the middle of the night and tried to get the stain out without anyone noticing. All whilst in a cold sweat, and yet his first thought when he was in "trouble" was "I need to get mum".

And then i've done a lot of sitting with a cold cup of tea staring into space today

Oh, OP, you poor thing.

That is chilling. How could a parent be so cold and calculating? To let you go happily to school while waiting to implement this horrible plan?

Cruel and nasty. Controlling and abusive.

And throughout the whole incident you were never able to feel your actual upset over the loss of the item because you were so frightened of your Mum’s reaction, and then alienated by her actions.

So basically cut off from your own response to loss.

Any normal parent would have recognised and validated your upset over the loss of a treasured item.

That is so awful. I would be appalled at myself if my daughter was ever frightened to tell me she'd lost something.

@Starseeking @blackpearwhitelilies

Oh you two have done it now, the waterworks are starting! 😭

Thank you so much for your kind words

And in future years your son will remember being able to come to you without fear just as much as you remember having to hide from your mum. Well done for breaking the cycle. But it sounds as if it might help to take the younger part of yourself to a therapist who will give you the kindness and support you need,

I know that feeling of terror, my mother was renowned for being strict with us but there were times she went so far.

The memory's I have of being curled up in a ball with her shouting over me over the crime of being late home from school have never left me.

We're NC now, years for therapy taught me she's a hard line narcissist, incapable of empathy.

I hope you're able to get some type of healing therapy, it helped me immensely.

Oh my I could just imagine my mum doing that, a snippy "well i guess you don't want it then".

I'm guessing followed by a nice long sulk and then complaining to the rest of your family how you'd ruined the day?

This is an example of how "no nonsense" parenting, and parenting to get kids that "behave" results in damaged adults with mental health issues.

I have no idea but this has unlocked a memory for me, my mum emptied my bedroom while I was at school because it wasn't tidy enough when I was about 5. I was distraught and still remember it now 40 years later. I have no attachment or sentimentality to anything. I never kept my dc first things and live very minimalist. I never understood the connection before but wow.

OP this is one of the sadest things I've read on here.
😢
what an amazing Mum you are.

Isn't it strange, how can we be "with" ourselves 24/7 yet not realise parts of ourselves? I only made the potential connection when writing the post.

Sometimes I see removing DCs things as a punishment for some transgression on here and I think oh no. Please don't do that. Childrens possessions give them so much security. I can't imagine going into my DDs (similar age) room and taking all her precious little things away because its not tidy.

I’m so sorry that you have experienced psychological abuse from someone who should be your safe space.

I think counselling would be a very good idea, to process things. And maybe even get to a place where you no longer have this evil woman in your life. She’s either a sociopath, or she’s purposefully goading you by mentioning it as an example of good parenting, knowing it has affected you for life.

An ACTUAL example of good parenting is your story about your son and your sofa. You should be SO PROUD that you’ve broken the cycle of abuse, and your son knew he could come to you. Well done.

@Derbee Thank you for your message, I will certainly start to think about some kind of therapy, I bought a book today on processing emotional abuse but am finding it very hard to see it in that light. It's still very normal to me right now.

I really doubt she knows its had any affect, and she probably really truly does think she was a very good parent. She's never done or said something wrong in her life so she cannot possibly have misjudged the situation!

What helped me see it as abnormal was putting my kids in my position. When I was thinking back to my childhood I would dither ‘but was it really THAT bad, maybe it was just xyz.’ Then I imagine the same situation but instead of my parent and me it’s me and one of my children. Does it seem normal then? If no, then it isn’t and wasn’t normal. If it isn’t acceptable for my kids it’s wasn’t good enough for me.

...and yet his first thought when he was in "trouble" was "I need to get mum".

I just wanted to repost that so you read it again.

Well done. You are doing an amazing job.

I think counselling would help you in that it would give you the chance to make peace with your past, find new strategies and strength for dealing with DM and move forward, but you clearly don't need any help with your parenting - you've got this

This is NOT a serious question
You KNOW the answer
You KNOW what your mum did wasn't normal
She sounds deranged.

Oh my goodness OP, how your mum treated you was just absolutely out of line.

I’m so glad that you have not repeated the cycle with your own DC. It sounds like you haven’t, and will never.

I’m so sorry this happened to you, I really am. Internet hugs……❤️❤️❤️❤️