Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is pretty bad of DH?

82 replies

PlantMe · 21/08/2022 15:51

DH went to London on a boozy night out. He doesn't do it often but when he does he really does. I mean 6 times a year.

I've looked after 2DS all weekend (baby and toddler).

He came home this morning at 7am. Think he had 4 hours sleep on a sofa. But he said he was OK

We have no food in the house. I put baby for his afternoon nap and left toddler and DH and went to tesco alone (heaven)

Just come back to find DH fast asleep, the kitchen COVERED in flour, DS1 sitting on top of DH (also covered in flour) and the baby still sleeping (He needed to be woken up about 45 mins ago). Thank god baby was still asleep as if he'd woken up DH wouldn't have heard him crying as no monitor anywhere near sleeping DH.

No harm done but DS1 had free rein on whole house, kitchen (He can climb onto work surfaces etc)

DH slightly apologetic but when I said it was pretty rubbish of him he said I sounded "shrill"

He then apologised again and said "it's kind of funny"

Am I being OTT to feel a little upset than he thinks I should?

OP posts:
BimmyTheMouse · 21/08/2022 19:54

bellaboo90 · 21/08/2022 19:36

Also can’t believe people are putting the blame onto you for leaving them with him. How dare you leave your children with their father who said he was ok to watch them whilst you pop to the shop 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ honestlyyy

Quite. OP obviously lives for pleasure alone, going to Tesco to do a food shop 🙄

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 21/08/2022 19:57

Lazy and irresponsible.
Shrill is such a misogynistic comment, just to blame you for his incompetence.
Iet he doesn't clean up the flour. If I were you I'd do some aggressive hoovering right next to him, for a long time.

What a waste of space.

Original poster
PlantMe · 21/08/2022 20:30

He did NOT clear up the flour. I asked him and he was like "come on babe please, I just need you to give me a break today" and I had to clean up to cook dinner. I made spag bol and when I served it DH said "oh next time don't chop up the spaghetti for DS, he doesn't like it like this"

I nearly put the whole lot on his head.

He has put the baby to bed as he could see he was on thin ice

He just likes to perpetuate the whole "just be the cool girl/mum" thing and whenever I get annoyed...its always me being uptight. Or shrill. Or crazy.

The most frustrating thing is that he cut back his hours because of anxiety. And he often gets worked up about the kids safety etc. But he didn't seem v worried today.

OP posts:
GeriTheBerry · 21/08/2022 20:35

He sounds absolutely awful, not surprised you’re fuming. A true misogynist.

felulageller · 21/08/2022 20:38

You'd be better off alone.

Original poster
PlantMe · 21/08/2022 20:45

@billy1966 thank you for being so encouraging. My DF drinks a lot. But more than the drinking was just v grumpy. Like he determined the mood if that makes sense. But he worked v hard and was also playful and funny etc.

DH isn't often like this. I'm more annoyed that he was defensive and rude to me. He would be livid if was the other way round. I once left a latch on the gate open in the garden (I was at home and watching DS whole time) and he didn't speak to me for a whole weekend so he normally worries about this stuff.

OP posts:
MaggieDragon · 21/08/2022 20:52

once left a latch on the gate open in the garden (I was at home and watching DS whole time) and he didn't speak to me for a whole weekend so he normally worries about this stuff

This sounds abusive, not a mark of him being caring.

Ithinkitsenoughnow · 21/08/2022 21:04

PlantMe · 21/08/2022 20:45

@billy1966 thank you for being so encouraging. My DF drinks a lot. But more than the drinking was just v grumpy. Like he determined the mood if that makes sense. But he worked v hard and was also playful and funny etc.

DH isn't often like this. I'm more annoyed that he was defensive and rude to me. He would be livid if was the other way round. I once left a latch on the gate open in the garden (I was at home and watching DS whole time) and he didn't speak to me for a whole weekend so he normally worries about this stuff.

What?!?! What he did is so much worse

Caramelsmadfuzzytail · 21/08/2022 21:27

I feel like I'm reading a thread I should have started when my ds was little.
Differences are:


  1. Ds brother was also there

  2. Ds upended the flour outside

  3. He ended up with a bright red hand print on his leg courtesy of his dad.


I found out after I got home from older ds. I basically was all up in my exs face telling him that if he did it again I'd call the police myself.
Not long after that, I left him.

It's not difficult for someone who is tired to say so. And that means that plans can be changed or put off until later.
Grumpy arsehats, who create eggshell carpets should be left behind in the dust as you and your child zoom off into the sunset.

Caramelsmadfuzzytail · 21/08/2022 21:28

Ds was 2 and clearly understood exactly what his dad was like.

FlowerArranger · 21/08/2022 22:10

@PlantMe - your husband "cut back his hours because of anxiety"...??? And he gets to go to London for boozy weekends SIX times a year?

Wow. I'm speechless.

KingsQueen · 21/08/2022 22:11

Completely irresponsible. Not like he is a student with only himself to look after, his child could have seriously hurt themselves! Or worse.

Oh I'd be livid!!!!

Tiswa · 21/08/2022 22:15

Yes he clearly plays the cool wife card to get you to fall in line

So basically he manages you but hates it himself

and the fact he didnt clean it up

padsi1975 · 21/08/2022 22:15

Shrill??!! That's a horrible word, is he from the 50s? Sounds like he's useless.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2022 22:18

Six times a year he does this? I wouldn't tolerate one time a year.

GeriTheBerry · 21/08/2022 22:19

He’s taking you for a mug, op. I’d be out of there.

Original poster
PlantMe · 21/08/2022 22:21

We just came to bed. And the side of his bed was damp. I think DS may have spilled his water before bed.

And DH started going off. "What's happened here? What the hell happened?" And I didn't really engage and then he shouted at me and stormed out. I followed and we just had a row. I told him I was angry about him passing out and he acts so entitled and he got up from the spare room bed and opened the door and started saying "out you go out you go"

I hate him sometimes. I just can't leave him though. I can't do that to the kids. I read all the threads on here of people saying it's better for them to split but it doesn't feel like that. I don't want my baby to have to sleep without me 3 days a week, or my toddler to spend weekends alone with daddy when he can be such an arsehole. The family courts are awful. I've read all about it. I'm crying in the loo. Every option is totally fucked up. I just can't work out how to have a good future.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlantMe · 21/08/2022 22:23

Sorry that got a bit heavy. I'm just so upset. I don't think he's very nice sometimes. I know that sounds really simple but I just wish he was kinder. I don't feel any care from him. Not really.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2022 22:30

You are delusional if you think this man is going to take 50% responsibility for the children if you leave him. Men like him NEVER accept 50/50 parental care. Your kids would be lucky to see him every other weekend.

The truth is, you are staying with him right now because it's easier for you. You don't want to deal with the process of leaving him. I understand that, but staying with this abusive prick is truly not what's best for your kids.

FlowerArranger · 21/08/2022 22:33

I agree with every word in Aquamarine 's post.

OP - you have a choice. The sooner you leave the better.

He won't want to bother with little children, and by the time they're old enough not to require constant hands-on care, a pattern will have been established.

And no doubt by then he'll have moved on to some other unfortunate woman.

Thefruitbatdancer · 21/08/2022 22:34

Going out Six times a year is once every two months. That is quite often to go out getting completely drunk as a father of a newborn. Completely unacceptable to leave the family alone while he gets plastered.

Next time hopefully there won't be send him out to the supermarket so he gets to experience it while he's hungover. Get him to set up and pay for a regular supermarket delivery so you don't run out of food again.

GeriTheBerry · 21/08/2022 22:35

You really need to leave him. He’s abusive and it will affect dc. The things you’re describing aren’t normal.

It won’t be easy but it will be worth it. Very few people regret leaving an abusive partner, however hard it is. Maybe ask on Relationships for some advice and support. Very unlikely he’ll want 50-50 and even if he did, it’s better than what you have now.

Original poster
PlantMe · 21/08/2022 22:36

That's not true @Aquamarine1029 absolutely not true. He would go for 5050. He thinks he's father of the year. He also would do it to hurt me

. Its not easier. This is not easier. I am the main earner in the house. I own the house. I pay for everything. It is not easier to stay. I dont need him. I don't trust him with the kids and I don't want him to have them without me. That is all. Don't tell me this is easier. I wish he was gone.

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 21/08/2022 22:37

Wow so we’ve gone from DH was sleeping off a hangover and DC got into potentially dangerous situation (pretty bad) but he’s usually great with the kids and safety conscious to he’s domineering and disrespectful and you think you should leave (very bad). I think you
need to either suggest couples counselling or go to counselling yourself if he won’t join you. Until your last post I was going to at that a toddler covered in flour while the parent is out for the count is funny in films but not in real life and what if the DC had got hold of something else? Cleaning products? Drugs? (Prescription obvs!) Alcohol? But your relationship clearly seems less than perfect. I think that your DH’s need to go off and get drunk relatively frequently suggests a binge-drinking problem. I’m sorry OP but I think you have a lot of decisions to make.

Georgeskitchen · 21/08/2022 22:37

I should imagine this scenario has played out in many households. It certainly has in mine. 6am one morning (I was 7 months pregnant) my 2 toddlers got up and went downstairs. I could hear them.but so exhausted I just couldn't get out of bed. They got hold of my make up bag and smeared it all over themselves and the walls and furniture. I could have cried when I saw it.
I think you have overreacted. He's a bit of a bellend but nobody was hurt so just make sure he isn't left with small children and a hangover