Aggressive toddler niece gets away with murder!

[Peedoff2]

So my niece can be extremely naughty when it suits her. She’s is 3. She demands everything is hers or just takes other peoples stuff and if she doesn’t get it she kicks off! Like uncontrollably until she gets her way, her mum often gives in or other children have to go without the ‘thing’ she wants or play with it out of eye shot even if it’s their own toy or game or anything really.
Anyway the question is she is always hitting other kids including my own who is older than her. But my daughter always is the one who gets told off as she retaliates and will often push her back or smack her leg. It’s not as if it’s a one off it’s constantly like multiple times when they see each other and she hits every other kid too. I personally don’t see anything wrong with my child retaliating as she’s constantly doing it and it’s out of order, my niece needs to learn boundaries and keep her hands to herself! AIBU

Under UK law, if one adult assaults another, the victim is allowed to defend themselves with proportional force. We are always telling our kids things like "be the bigger person" "two wrongs don't make a right" or - my personal 'favourite' - "it's ALWAYS wrong to use force" but we forget that our children are entitled to defend themselves against others just like we are.

We absolutely should teach our kids not to assault other children, but I'm never gonna tell my daughter she can't defend herself.

It sounds like your child needs to administer a bloody good retaliation once and for all teach this child that yours won’t be her punching bag.

it doesn’t need to hurt her, just a loud no and push her away.

Who is telling your DD off? No one but myself and DH is allowed to tell my children off, anyone else dose I put them in their place. My DCs don’t get left with other people so I’m always around, if I miss something and my DCs have been naughty then tell me and I will sort it.

I would absolutely not tell my DCs off for defending themselves. I would teach them about being bigger and not being too rough but would certainly tell them to push back if someone keeps pushing them.

She sounds awful, but sadly, she isn’t a ‘bad child’ just badly behaved because she is badly brought up. If she heard the word NO occasionally and got some discipline, or even ignored when she is having a tantrum she would probably be much nicer for it. I don’t blame your kid for taking matters into her own hands. Doesn’t sound like her parents are bothered.

What are you doing when your niece is being aggressive to your DD?

contrary to the above poster, I would be telling her very firmly to stop that behaviour. It sounds like her parents are bothering to parent her, which makes it all the more important that you intervene before she hits your DD again.

I'd be taking a water pistol with me when seeing DN with DD...

Is niece nearer to 4 or 2? How old is your DD? If it is not a massive gap, I think your DD should not be told off, because when the niece goes to school/ nursery other children will put her in her place and if that is the first time it happens away from parents and familiar things, she will be heartbroken. If however DD is much older, she needs to learn other ways than physical responses. If they are close in age it is an element of learning and social development to learn that smacking each other is unpleasant and unkind, much like puppies and bite inhibition.

Other family members (we are a large family) are who is telling my DD off it’s just there immediate response is she is 3! Which baffles me because she should know not to hit after being told constantly like I said it’s an all the time occurrence. I do tell my niece off and I similarly explain to my daughter I don’t want her to use her hands etc and her totally understandable response is but she’s hitting me. What else can I say. It has just been grinding on me lately and I thought I was just maybe being horrible as I seem to be the only one who disagrees and it really annoys me! I do love my niece and she is lovely when she’s not acting like this but I equally won’t tolerate my daughter being hit for no reason so I always stand up for her

Not being an arse, but how will that work when they go to school? I don't think that's healthy actually, we live in a society and children have to learn how they function in that outside of the family

My daughter has just turned 8. She does not wallop her it’s like a soft retaliation, often maybe just a tap back to just make a point. whereas my niece may kick or smack and she goes full force. She definitely understands but just continues she’s very clever and speaks extremely well.

Just see less of her and tell her dps why.

You are right to stop your daughter being picked on OP, but there is a big social difference between just turned 3 and about to turn 4, which is your niece?

She was 3 in June.

Turned 8 is too old for any physical retaliation against a 3yo. DD needs to be told by you before visiting to move away from her cousin when she starts behaving badly, she needs to model the right way to behave, as her aunt and uncle are not doing it.

Your nieces parents are not doing her any favours giving in to her, they will raise a child that behaves like they are spoilt.

Your DC is 8, so it may be disproportionate for them to be hitting a 3 year old back, maybe just remove the 3 year old from the vicinity. Get your 8 year old to keep taking (pick hurt up and carry her if possible) said 3 year old its parent saying "she's hit me again, keep get away from me' or every time get the 8 year old to ask the 3 year old mum to remove her as she's hit again. If they do this every time, mum might get the message if it impacts her and she keeps getting interrupted and do something about it.

Other than that, I don't really know.
I would be telling the 3 year old off each time and raising it with their parents.

So closer to 2 then, they don't learn social skills in a matter of weeks, but to do that her parents, cousins and wider family need to model good behaviour. If she is unkind, hits and won't share, her cousins will not play with her. BUT they must not hit back.

Like I said I am telling my child it’s not right to retaliate, I don’t condone her being physical whatsoever, I agree with that. But when it’s constant she’s frustrated, and there’s no discipline for my niece. That’s what I have an issue with. I just want it to stop, I believe if she stops hitting then there’s no problem.

OP I use to babysit a few children in my teens and 20s. A mixture of relatives and friends' children.

Occasionally when I wasn't baby sitting but just in the house, a younger child would give an older child a right good slapping. The older child would then do a very good "poor me" act.

Unlike the children's parents I frequently saw the entire incident. This was the older child being mean and the younger child retaliating. So I would simply tell both children off to the surprise of their parents who only saw one side of the interaction. Older children know how to play up to their parents, there as younger children haven't learnt that skill yet.

Keep your child away from the other child on all occasions.

Just because they are related doesn't mean they have to play together.

I can understand you are both frustrated, my advice would be that when the niece starts, you call DD over to you and engage her in another game/task convo whatever and give lots of input. If niece comes over and continues to be unkind say firmly, but without anger 'DD will not play with you when you are unkind. Hands are not for hitting. If you can have kind hands you can play with us.'

When you have kind hands, rather

Respectfully, I know my child is not doing anything to provoke these attacks. I am sat in the room as are many other family members. We all are very aware of her behavioural issues it’s just tolerated. I also don’t think my child is an angel at all. I could be here all day explaining the things she does that I dislike, but that’s not the purpose of this post. I was asking if I was unreasonable for not going along with blaming only disciplining my child as she’s older when she is being continually hit/kicked?

My words got mixed up then but what I mean is it entirely justified that she is the only one told off in this circumstance.

OP, you need to physically intervene. The 3 year old needs to learn, but you also should be right there ready to protect your kid. If it's going far enough that the 3 year old gets more than one hit in then you are not doing enough. Your child should not have to physically defend herself when there are adults right there. My 2 and 3 year old sometimes hurt each other: telling them off is not helpful. Moving the one who is hurting the other away is.

No, both children need to be spoken to in an age-appropriate way. Your niece needs to learn not to hit children or snatch toys, your daughter needs to learn other ways of dealing with being hurt (an 8yo shouldn't hit a 3yo). Ask your daughter if she can think of another way of dealing with the situation, she might surprise you with her answer. Your niece needs to be told every time that we do not hit and then given an affirmative instruction, so "we don't use hands for hitting, now go and pick up X/ do Y".