Aggressive toddler niece gets away with murder!

[Peedoff2]

So my niece can be extremely naughty when it suits her. She’s is 3. She demands everything is hers or just takes other peoples stuff and if she doesn’t get it she kicks off! Like uncontrollably until she gets her way, her mum often gives in or other children have to go without the ‘thing’ she wants or play with it out of eye shot even if it’s their own toy or game or anything really.
Anyway the question is she is always hitting other kids including my own who is older than her. But my daughter always is the one who gets told off as she retaliates and will often push her back or smack her leg. It’s not as if it’s a one off it’s constantly like multiple times when they see each other and she hits every other kid too. I personally don’t see anything wrong with my child retaliating as she’s constantly doing it and it’s out of order, my niece needs to learn boundaries and keep her hands to herself! AIBU

even though the 3 year old should not be being violent, she has only just turned 3 and yes some toddlers are Violent and can take a while to teach them the proper ways BUT your kids is 8, an 8 year old shouldnt be putting hands on a toddler. no matter what! no babys or toddlers should be retaliated against. the 8 year old should be old enough to know to move away and ignore, leave if they have too.

The 3 year olds parents should also be trying to combat this by moving the toddler away from the situation

Alternatively I’d (and have) sacked off meeting up if I know other kids bad behaviour is going to be indulged at the expense of mine.

saying anything to my relatives wouldn’t have achieved anything. You might have more success with yours if you explain you’re not turning up to the latest gathering because you’re dd is constantly being thumped.

This. Just bin these meetings completely. Problem solved.

It’s impossible to not meet up. I’m just in the frustrating position of feeling like the problems never going to be solved unless she is taught not to do those things. My child doesn’t hit unprovoked and if she did at any age I’d expect her to get hit back because I think it’s a nasty habit and something you shouldn’t do at any age. Maybe my frustrations are more at the parenting.

Like I said I aren’t one of those parents that thinks their child is an angel.
but my niece gets away with everything. At this point the general stance is we all just put up with it for peace or give in for peace. I know this isn’t helpful

I'm sure that's true. Unless the niece is a total psycho then she will find out at school that acting like this will produce an unwelcome response.

You need to keep your child away from this kid. Protect her otherwise she is going to suffer badly fro it as she grows up.

You say it is I possible not to meet up - but it is not impossible to keep them apart. Give your child an activity she'll do by herself away from this violent toddler. My 8yr old would read a book he enjoys or play on his tablet and ignore a kid that hit him when he played with them. When you are questioned about dd not playing - just defend her and say she was sick of being hit then told off.

It is difficult to put full context here when I’m asking about one thing. But one scenario I witnessed is a sibling of theirs the same age as mine has not yet opened her treat when toddler had opened and finished hers. Sibling had said treat in her hands and toddler was kicking off as she wanted it, parents response, it’s older kids fault for showing her it (even though she had just demolished the same treat) and a telling off for older sibling and threat to just give it to toddler if she continued to just stand there with her treat. Nothing said to toddler. This is a regular occurrence, she just rules everything I think that’s why I have low tolerance for it all.

I think you should pull back from going to family events when this child will be there - you'll show your daughter you support her and you'll avoid the stress of being annoyed about how badly behaved your niece is.

Can you not avoid void these family events if you want to, or go and leave early, or have your daughter go for a play date/activity and just go yourself.

The problem is OP, if you condone her retaliating, the result is a fight between the kids. And that’s never a good thing for kids to get used to. Especially against a 3yo. Tell her to speak up and tell you, and to tell her cousin not to do that. It may result in bugger all changing but in the long run it’s far more beneficial for all involved.

Yes, this is very bad parenting on their part, I can see your frustration with it. They're doing nothing to help your niece learn how to interact with others or tolerate frustration, and other children are bearing the brunt of that. The niece herself is missing out on help to develop as well.

How would it go down if you were to intervene and do the explaining to the niece the parents should be doing and then redirecting her: 'Oh niece, you've already had your treat. This is sibling's treat and it's fair they get to have one too. Ooh, come and have a look at this dolly/train/whatever. I bet you'd like to play with that' or the like?

It may not immediately change the child's behaviour, but you'd be modelling to the parents how to parent fairly, and drawing a boundary for you and your child.

It's gonna go round and round in circles with adult relatives arguing over how children are arguing.

You could ban your child from socialising with your niece? tell your child that it is very upsetting seeing someone be so unkind to her and cause her so much pain. Let her know how proud you are of her trying to protect herself and stand up to her niece but you're all going to take a break from their family for a few months and see if the break gives niece some growing/maturing room.

You could sit down with all the adults and raise your concerns. Set your boundaries with regards to your child; what you will not tolerate from other children and more over, adults that should be protecting and loving both children equally not just standing idly by but actively taking sides is not acceptable. Ask them what they will be doing to protect your child from violence in the future. If this doesn't meet your expectation you may need to remove yourself from the extended family for the happiness of your own child.

BUT your kids is 8, an 8 year old shouldnt be putting hands on a toddler. no matter what! no babys or toddlers should be retaliated against

Tjenproblem here is because the parents or adults aren’t taking control then the 8 year old steps in to sort it out the only way she knows how.

I would speak to your daughter before each meet up and ask her to not hit and offer a reward for keeping her hands to herself and walk away and refuse to play .

In the sweet situation did you speak up? Did you say ‘hang on, toddlers just had hers, …etc?’ If not then you should do so.

You are are right to stand up for your dd and encourage her to stand up for herself.

My cousin is 4 years younger than me but made a lot of weekends over many years hell because she was allowed to get away with awful behaviour by her stupid doting mum and my gormless family.

If it's impossible to avoid meeting up you need to prioritise your daughter in this situation and go without her of leave the first time she's attacked. You can't expect an 8 year old to stay in this situation and have to cope with either being hit or told off. I'm not sure why staying away is 'impossible' for you but you need to stop exposing your daughter to these adults who don't care about her at all

An 8 year old should not be hitting a just turned 3 year old. There is a huge developmental difference here. If your niece hits tell your 8 year old to say something loudly like "NO, no hitting" and then to come and play with you/away from 3 year old. If she is asked to let 3 yo play you can step in and say dd you don't have to play with someone who is hitting etc. Much easier to speak up and take the moral high ground when there is no fault on your DDs side. I'd also be making comment when her older sibling is told off for things that are actually the 3yo acting up. She is just a baby but the parents sound a nightmare.

If her mum is not willing to tackle the issue, the person who will suffer most is the mum.

I'd boycott all family events where the niece is there if the issue is not going to be addressed. Tough love.

Three year olds are preschoolers not toddlers but that aside you are going to have to intervene more. Talk to them or physically move away. I'd get up and leave if the 3 year old was physically attacking my child and the parents aren't doing anything about it. Your child doesn't deserve to be mauled like that and you need to take more action but neither can you allow your 8 year old to hit the 3 year old.

When your daughter is told off, take over. Ask her (fairly loudly, publicly and calmly) "what happened? Why did she hit you? Did it hurt? Did you ask her not to?"
When your daughter has explained how she was attacked and did nothing wrong;
" it sounds like XXX hasn't learnt to be kind and gentle yet. Don't play with her or near her if she hurts you. Her mummy will teach her to be kind and not hurt other people." Some parents need help in how and when to manage their own kids behaviour.

Discuss the situation with your daughter in advance, explain to her that you're in a bind because of how the other adults react. And as a solution tell her to 100% stick by you and avoid the niece. And even if niece comes over literally move away but still stick close to you.

Having worked in schools for a very long time, I sincerely hope you don't treat teaching staff in the same way! Children quickly pick up on parents' reactions and if they expect that they can't be 'told off' by anyone this could cause them problems in school.

Old thread

Your entire family are enabling this behaviour too, I would be calling a family whatsapp group so nothings in ear shot of the children! And telling them all straight that that child knows full well whats going on and what she’s doing and you fully expect her to be pulled up before any of them even entertain trying to tell your child anything for retaliating!

Sounds infuriating op we have had these similar dynamics in our families and chose to effectively opt out of any events and told them we where always busy after they heard what we had to say but didn’t acknowledge any of it nothing changed so we made that decision.

Your child is 8?? She absolutely cannot hot a three year old back and should know better. You tell her to come away and not play with dn. If dn wants to know why dd isn't playing.
"Dn, dd doesn't want to play because you weren't kind and you were hitting."

My sister DD is 2 years older than my DS and is autistic. When DS was about 4 upwards she would bully him. She was told off by my sister but she still did it. She would verbally abuse, calling him a name he hated, snatch his toys and have a meltdown if she was made to give them back, she often hit him, and sometimes bit him too until she was about 7. One day my very placid son snapped after she ran by and hit him on the head when he was playing on his own with Lego. He just stood up and punched her in the face. He had never retaliated in the past. We were all shocked. She never hit or bit him again. Even the verbal teasing diminished. Up until that point I'd just told DS to ignore her if she was being mean. Sometimes it's best to stand up to a bully.