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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH is wrong about this

74 replies

roseyleg · 20/08/2022 19:56

Need some opinions on this. Second time that DH has made this argument regarding care for our son.

First time was about a year ago, DC just turned three years old. DH is having breakfast in the living room with a hot cup of tea balanced on the arm of the chair. He tells DC not to go near it and if he does and it falls on him then it's his fault. DC regularly passes the chair to get to toys etc.

Second time today. Both are outside in the garden. DC there first. DH then goes out to lift weights - bar type with weights on the end. He sometimes does this when I ask him to go out to keep an eye on DC. DC, now four years old, is playing, running around, etc. I didn't see it happen but he hits his head on the weights as DH is lifting them. He is upset and is crying. I'm making the tea in the kitchen and go out straight away when I hear this to ask what has happened. DH says he has told DC loads of times not to come near him when he is lifting weights.

DC is such a lovely, excitable boy. I absolutely believe it is DH's responsibility as the adult to protect his son is situations like these. But DH argues, rather forcibly, that it is in fact DC's responsibility once he has told him to watch out/keep away.

AIBU - is DH wrong about this or am I?

OP posts:
legalseagull · 20/08/2022 19:58

At 3 it's DH fault. At 4 I think the child should know to stay away after being told. (I have both a 3 and 4 year old)

Brigante9 · 20/08/2022 19:58

He is wrong. How about he parents his child rather than double on by doing weights while his son is running round?

UWhatNow · 20/08/2022 19:59

Your DH is a dick.

NoSquirrels · 20/08/2022 20:02

Your DH is a prat.

If (God forbid) your DS is seriously injured and the A&E team make a referral to social services because it was a preventable injury and showed massive lack of judgement on an adult’s behalf, how does he think they’d view the argument that “it was a 3/4/5 year old’s fault”?

endofthelinefinally · 20/08/2022 20:03

He is wrong. Unrealistic expectations of a child's ability to judge safety, their level of maturity etc is a red flag. It is a particular factor in abuse. Your DH's role is to protect and nurture his child, not to put him at risk and allow him to suffer injury. Ignorance is one thing, but wilful ignorance is another.

Doyoumind · 20/08/2022 20:03

UWhatNow · 20/08/2022 19:59

Your DH is a dick.

Word for word what I was going to say.

Children are not responsible for their own safety. Parents are.

FlissyPaps · 20/08/2022 20:05

DH sounds nasty and arrogant.

It is his job to ensure the environment is safe for your DC. Of course accidents happen, but lifting weights when a small DC is running round the garden is going to be a hazard. He should go to the gym, or fence off where he does his workouts so there’s no risk of DC getting injured …

PriamFarrl · 20/08/2022 20:05

The cup of tea - he was being a dick.
The weights - well it depends really. Mainly he’s still being a dick but if the DC was nearly 5 then DC should have been looking out, just 4 and it’s not on really.

RedHelenB · 20/08/2022 20:06

Tbf, in the past children were expected to do as they were told and these sort of accidents didn't happen. 4 is no longer a baby and should be able to stay away from an area when told to. I think yab a bit u.

tickticksnooze · 20/08/2022 20:08

RedHelenB · 20/08/2022 20:06

Tbf, in the past children were expected to do as they were told and these sort of accidents didn't happen. 4 is no longer a baby and should be able to stay away from an area when told to. I think yab a bit u.

Well that's patently false.

Allmarbleslost · 20/08/2022 20:09

Your DH is a twat

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/08/2022 20:10

Doyoumind · 20/08/2022 20:03

Word for word what I was going to say.

Children are not responsible for their own safety. Parents are.

Nothing to add to these two.

User8273738273737 · 20/08/2022 20:10

RedHelenB · 20/08/2022 20:06

Tbf, in the past children were expected to do as they were told and these sort of accidents didn't happen. 4 is no longer a baby and should be able to stay away from an area when told to. I think yab a bit u.

Ah I love “the past”, “the good old days” and all that stuff.
things change, evolve. It used to be ok to do all sorts of things, like smoke inside and around your children. Or to put your babies in a cot face down.

Soubriquet · 20/08/2022 20:11

Dh is a selfish and inconsiderate dick.

Aged 3, you keep hot drinks away.

Even now at 4 I would be hesitant. He also shouldn’t be lifting weights whilst having to keep an eye on his child. Weight lifting should be done in a child free space, or when the child is sleeping/occupied with another parent.

Pinkflipflop85 · 20/08/2022 20:11

DH is wrong.
I wouldn't feel safe leaving ds at home with him if I had to go out.

DPotter · 20/08/2022 20:12

Your DH is the adult in the room and even if he wasn't responsible - he should feel responsible. 4 year olds maybe able to understand instructions, say them back to you and explain them - sadly they don't always follow instructions and its up to the adults to make sure they stay safe. This by the way lasts until the child is fully self caring and even beyond. You're the adult in the room - it's your watch and you are responsible. Full stop

I agree with others - your DP is an idiot - but you already know that.
As to how to work round him - well that depends upon how your relationship works. I would, have and did read DP the riot act when DD nearly got hurt in his care.

endofthelinefinally · 20/08/2022 20:12

RedHelenB · 20/08/2022 20:06

Tbf, in the past children were expected to do as they were told and these sort of accidents didn't happen. 4 is no longer a baby and should be able to stay away from an area when told to. I think yab a bit u.

IMO a sensible, responsible parent would not undertake a potentially dangerous activity while they were supposed to be supervising a small child. I doubt parents are allowed to take their children into the gym with them. 4 is still very young. OP said he is excitable. Of course he wants to run around in the garden. I doubt there was a thought process involved in accidentally running near the weights. Why not just play with his child for a bit and save the weight lifting for later?

FlissyPaps · 20/08/2022 20:13

RedHelenB · 20/08/2022 20:06

Tbf, in the past children were expected to do as they were told and these sort of accidents didn't happen. 4 is no longer a baby and should be able to stay away from an area when told to. I think yab a bit u.

So if a 4 year old was told not to cross a main road … but ended up crossing one away, didn’t look both ways and got hit by a car it would be the 4 years olds fault then correct? Because they’re not a baby anymore?

endofthelinefinally · 20/08/2022 20:16

I wish I had realised I could leave my children unsupervised as soon as they were 4 and that all I needed to do was tell them to stay away from hazards. I could have just put my feet up/had a nap.

category12 · 20/08/2022 20:18

Yep, your dh is a dick.

roseyleg · 20/08/2022 20:25

Thanks everyone for the replies. You have helped me structure my thoughts and I have just spoken to him about it - asking him to never do weights while looking after DC in the garden again. To my utter surprise, he backed down and said he won't do it again.

OP posts:
Royalbloo · 20/08/2022 20:26

He's a knob

GreyNovember · 20/08/2022 20:33

He's wrong.

But from your OP it sounds like it's just these two incidents in the last year? So he is wrong, but thankfully it doesn't sound like a massive problem.

Chattycathydoll · 20/08/2022 21:23

I think a bit of both. Age 3, he was definitely in the wrong. Age 4 and they should be able to understand ‘don’t come near x hazard’ while the parent is actively saying it to them.

I’m a single mum & do a lot of sewing, make our own clothes & sell stuff I’ve made. DD was able to understand from around 4 that scissors/pins/sewing machine can hurt her so she shouldn’t play with them. I’d still take precautions like not leaving the machine plugged in, but if she chose to come over and poke a pin, well then that was her own fault and she wouldn’t do it again.

Safari234 · 21/08/2022 08:38

Does he play with his kids or just expect them to play whilst he does what he wants around them?

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