To think DH is wrong about this

[roseyleg]

Need some opinions on this. Second time that DH has made this argument regarding care for our son.

First time was about a year ago, DC just turned three years old. DH is having breakfast in the living room with a hot cup of tea balanced on the arm of the chair. He tells DC not to go near it and if he does and it falls on him then it's his fault. DC regularly passes the chair to get to toys etc.

Second time today. Both are outside in the garden. DC there first. DH then goes out to lift weights - bar type with weights on the end. He sometimes does this when I ask him to go out to keep an eye on DC. DC, now four years old, is playing, running around, etc. I didn't see it happen but he hits his head on the weights as DH is lifting them. He is upset and is crying. I'm making the tea in the kitchen and go out straight away when I hear this to ask what has happened. DH says he has told DC loads of times not to come near him when he is lifting weights.

DC is such a lovely, excitable boy. I absolutely believe it is DH's responsibility as the adult to protect his son is situations like these. But DH argues, rather forcibly, that it is in fact DC's responsibility once he has told him to watch out/keep away.

AIBU - is DH wrong about this or am I?

Balancing tea on the arm of the chair is a stupid idea if there’s adults moving around let alone a three year old.

Your DH is a bloody idiot, small children need an adult to be aware of dangers for them, he needs to sort himself out and actually parent your child.

If you ended up in A&E with injuries from these kind of completely preventable situations social services could be knocking on your door, he needs to get a grip.

Your 'DH' is a lazy twat who can't be bothered to parent, your child is not safe with this man, you've been warned, will you listen 🤷

It’s you DO’s overriding responsibility to keep his child safe. Put the cup somewhere where it won’t fall over, do weights when your kid isn’t around. It’s more important to be safe than right. This isn’t rocket science.

Also if your son gets scalded from a hot drink left on the armchair, telling social services you'd warned the child and it's his own fault is a great way to get him removed from your care, just saying.

Your husband is wilfully stupid

Does he put his child in danger so that you don’t expect him to take sole care of his child ? Because as annoying as that is, it should be working. The kid is not safe in his care.

Has he ever seen a child in ICU with burns from a hot drink ? I have and it’s not pretty.

Is your dh a total moron???

Following his logic, we should be able to tell children of 4 to be careful crossing roads, and not go too near the canal, and then let them loose in the neighbourhood!
He is either a complete idiot, or a lazy self centred prick, who cannot be bothered looking after his own child.

In 'the past' children had loads of accidents (often due to negligent parenting) - what on earth are you talking about

Fascinating, my partner has always lifted weights in the garden while kids play and they're fine. 4 is plenty old enough to be careful around a hazard.

So of course you should tell small children to keep away from potential hazards and enforce that requirement if they come near.
It’s ok to test children on this kind of thing if the consequences are annoying for the child but not at all dangerous - eg. You could balance a cup of water (cold/room temperature) on the arm of the chair and tell the child that if they aren’t careful and they knock it over then they will get wet. You absolutely can’t trust young children to obey instructions to the letter when the consequences are serious injury for them. So hot tea needs to be out of reach of toddlers and somewhere that a 4 yr old will not accidentally knock it over. I personally also take the precaution of adding either milk or a splash of cold water to my hot drinks - I no longer leave my black tea boiling hot on the table while I wait for it to cool.
If DH wants to weight lift in the garden would a large playpen work? Not to put the child in, but to Fence off the weights area from the rest of the garden. It would be a visual reminder that the weights are off limits and provide your DH with enough time to safely put the weights down if DS comes near? Or maybe that’s not sufficient, I’m not a weight lifter and I guess it might depend on how your DH needs to handle his weights (dropping vs gently placing? Can clearly see DS at all times or not really while using a bench? Etc)

Agree. At 4yo surely he can understand perfectly well not to do something. Dh is responsible but when do you start expecting your ds to follow instructions?

I think the point is the consequence for not following instruction should be a punishment, not physical injury. I'm all for natural consequences but this is a bit much.

I also put the cleaning supplies out of reach from my kids and anything I take out of the oven. I tell them to stay away and don't touch but I also take actual steps as the adult to protect them.

I was born in the 1950s and of course children had accidents despite being told not to do something ! If DB had done as he was told he wouldn’t have fallen off the roof of the garden shed !!

Hm hot tea- DH job to avoid a burn as the child cannot understand the possible outcome.

Child running into a solid object- at least partly the child's fault. If DH lifted it unexpectedly and hit DS, more DH fault. If DH was still/predictable and DS charged into him... well it is his own fault really.

His knowledge about what 3 to 4 year old can do in terms of remember stuff, understand consequences and see risks is completely wrong. They are just not that advanced.

Basically, your H is putting the burden of safety onto his child because he can’t be fucked to do it himself.

Glad to see he has had a rethink @roseyleg .

Weight lifting needs to be in a child free area. At age 4 DCs are still very impulsive. Instructions to do/don't do something get forgotten in the excitement of the moment.

He needs to parent his child. If DS carried on running around the weights area after he'd been told not to, DH's warning clearly wasn't sufficient. The responsibility doesn't pass to the child just because he was told one time.

Definitely husbands fault. A child is not expected to understand danger at that age and need responsible parents. DH sounds irresponsible and selfish.

It's your responsibility as an adult not to put dangerous things near your children.

What? They absolutely did happen. DH is a 70s baby, he has some right scars from stupid injuries that wouldn't have happened if kids weren't left to fend for themselves back "in the good old days." My grandad is missing a finger from touching machinery at his dad's place of work when he was a kid.

Your 'D'H is no father. Yes you tell children to take care, but parents need to manage the risks. I would be really furious at your husband for sending the message to DS that it's his fault if he gets hurt in his own home. Horrible.

whatever the age of who is in the room doesn’t matter

ypu put a cup of hot tea on the side you are responsible for it and accept it could spill

you are doing weights in a joint space you should always be aware of your surroundings, if you can’t be aware they don’t do them

it is not the responsibility of others to be aware of these no matter what age.

and in days gone past the tea cup would never be perched on the side of a sofa or weights done in the garden

and certainly not whilst in charge, is your DS ok that could be a nasty bump

I can't believe posters are almost blaming the CHILD!! They are BABIES at 4 yrs old, ffs..
Good for you, OP, for putting your OH right.