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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To arrange a play date behind DH's back

71 replies

Oysterbabe · 20/08/2022 13:14

DD is 6. She's generally a well behaved and sensible girl. In reception they pair the children with a study buddy. She was put with James, who can be difficult to manage and is told off and has to miss some of play time almost every day. They quickly became the very best of friends and nearly 2 years later she still absolutely adores him. Her teachers have said to us a few times that she's a good influence on James, but that he can be a bad influence on her. If he's doing something he shouldn't be doing she will often (I'm sure very willingly) go along with it and around once a week or so she'll end up being told off too. James has quite recently been referred to Senco for assessment because of his behaviour.

DH wants us to do whatever we can to discourage this friendship. He is dead against her seeing him unless there's no choice, like at school. We're deep into the summer holidays now and DD misses him so much. She seems really sad today. I asked her about it and she said she just wishes she could talk to James. I'm thinking of messaging his mum to see if they want to meet us in the park. DH would be furious at me for arranging it but he's a 6 year old boy, not Satan, and he's DD's best friend. They'll be together in 2 weeks anyway. It's breaking my heart watching her pine for him.

OP posts:
LordEmsworth · 20/08/2022 13:18

I'd arrange it & tell him I was doing so. I wouldn't do it behind his back.

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 13:19

Talk to your husband!

Mxyzptlk · 20/08/2022 13:20

I'd do that and let DH know what you did, and why, later on.

StripeyBumblebee · 20/08/2022 13:21

I wouldn’t do it behind his back but I would do it without his permission.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 20/08/2022 13:23

Well firstly I'd deal with DH's attitude to your DD & her friend James. He's 6, with a SENCO referral, not 16 with an ASBO.

you BOTH need to keep reminding DD that she HAS to be responsible for her own actions! That she can't just join in with James & do things she knows are wrong & that if she can't be responsible for herself & do the right thing, then maybe being his buddy will have to stop. (Good training for teenage years!).

Your DH needs to realise that too.

At 6 you can stop them mixing out if school, when they're older you can't. Teach her how to handle this kind of thing now!

is DH working tomorrow? Is today the only opportunity to see James? If it is I'd do it, if it isn't I'd talk to DH first. Not to get his permission, but just because I think it's not nice to go behind his back, I wouldn't like it if he did it.

Mumspair1 · 20/08/2022 13:23

I wouldn't do it behind his back, in fact I would also not encourage this friendship out of school.

Hankunamatata · 20/08/2022 13:23

I'd talk to dh that this actually could be very useful for dd to learn not to be influenced by her friends behaviour. They can be friends and encourage dd to stand by her moral compas if her friend is being silly.

Youaremysunshine14 · 20/08/2022 13:24

Talk to your DH. Tell him how miserable she is and how you are going to organise a supervised playdate with both mums. If he doesn't like that, suggest that he steps up to help your DD make new friends by arranging playdates himself.

Hankunamatata · 20/08/2022 13:24

Also structed playdates can be beneficial (if adhd boys who are lovely but need structure and supervision).

neverbeenskiing · 20/08/2022 13:27

I wouldn’t do it behind his back but I would do it without his permission.

This. Just tell him you're going to organise a playdate, if you try to lie and cover it up it will come back to bite you. Surely your DD will mention it? It's not fair or healthy to ask her to keep a secret from her Dad.

Sparklfairy · 20/08/2022 13:28

Youre making a parental decision that is in the best interests of your DD. Are you scared of his reaction?

HeartofTeFiti · 20/08/2022 13:28

A playdate at the park sounds great - space to roam and explore and be active. Tell DH you will encourage friendships alongside the one with James, but trying to de-friend them will only cause heartache.

Dotcheck · 20/08/2022 13:29

StripeyBumblebee · 20/08/2022 13:21

I wouldn’t do it behind his back but I would do it without his permission.

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

neverbeenskiing · 20/08/2022 13:31

Does your DH understand that this boys behaviour is likely due to SEND and therefore not through choice? Does he think James's behaviour will be improved if he's socially isolated? I think it's lovely that your DD is so fond of this boy, and although it must be frustrating when she copies some of his behaviours that's part of growing up, learning you can't just go along with whatever your friends are doing and need to make your own choices.

Oysterbabe · 20/08/2022 13:32

neverbeenskiing · 20/08/2022 13:27

I wouldn’t do it behind his back but I would do it without his permission.

This. Just tell him you're going to organise a playdate, if you try to lie and cover it up it will come back to bite you. Surely your DD will mention it? It's not fair or healthy to ask her to keep a secret from her Dad.

I guess I would probably just tell her we were going to the park and then happen to bump into them. I wouldn't tell her to keep a secret.

I'm off work for a few days so there would be chance to tell him what my plan is first and that probably is the right thing to do. He'll object though, he doesn't want DD to see him.

OP posts:
PhatPaws · 20/08/2022 13:34

StripeyBumblebee · 20/08/2022 13:21

I wouldn’t do it behind his back but I would do it without his permission.

Same

justasking111 · 20/08/2022 13:37

PhatPaws · 20/08/2022 13:34

Same

Ditto

Christonabike37 · 20/08/2022 13:38

Rather than stop her from seeing him why not use it as an opportunity to teach her to not give in to peer pressure? It seems like it's a really good thing for her to be getting those consequences and lessons when the stakes are quite small. Rather than having to learn when it's drugs and qualifications at stake. Maybe reframe it for him like that so he can see that having a friend that's a bit naughty doesn't have to be the end of the world.

Scepticalwotsits · 20/08/2022 13:48

I would be worried, primary schools have a habit of pushing children together especially when one is senco and adultify the other to make it easier for them, especially when they don’t have enough staff to cover the differing needs of children.

im with your Husband, to a point

namechangetheworld · 20/08/2022 13:54

Sorry, but I'm with your husband. I wouldn't be encouraging the friendship outside of school.

tiggergoesbounce · 20/08/2022 14:01

Obviously your DD needs to learn how to not follow the pack and be her own person.

But i think if she has chosen a friend and he is not harmful to her, then absolutely they should be allowed to meet up and play.
I can undertand that your DH doesn't want your DDs getting into trouble by copying the boy, but thats about you two instilling that on her, not stopping her befriending him
She will come across all sorts of kids that don't always do the right thing, she needs to know that doesnt means copies and the earlier she gets that the better.

But yes i would not see our child upset because of my DH silly attitudes towards this situation. But don't lie to him.

rainbowstardrops · 20/08/2022 14:04

I agree, I'd tell him we're meeting them at the park. Let him think what he wants.

WillPowerLite · 20/08/2022 14:11

Ok, a little off-topic, but I'm a teacher and this really, really makes me angry - I may be reading a lot into your post, but I see this happen a lot, so...

In reception they pair the children with a study buddy. She was put with James, who can be difficult to manage and is told off and has to miss some of play time almost every day.

So why do you think they paired a sensible girl with James, friends or not? This is using your dd as James' support human. It will have a negative impact on her education.

I detest seeing well-behaved girls being teamed up with poorly-behaved boys in an effort to make the boy behave better. Fine now and then, but the educational weight of James as a study-buddy should be shared out among the class. And not just with the 'good girls'.

Let them be friends. Arrange all the playdates you like - it's sweet that they are best buddies. Encourage the hell out of that. Friendships are precious.

But pull the school right up short if they treat your dd anyone's behaviour therapy. Her education comes first. Let them play after lessons.

Kite22 · 20/08/2022 14:11

I think the vote will be split a bit as some will vote differently due to the "behind your dh's back" part.

I would contact the family and arrange to mee up, but I wouldn't hide it from dh

kimwexlerfan · 20/08/2022 14:12

I can see both sides but I think a play date would be a good opportunity for you to observe for yourself the dynamic between them. eg is she easily led or is it 50/50? Is he pushing her into things or does she stand her own ground?

Agree with prev posters that them being friends probably makes it easier for the teacher so good to get your own viewpoint as to whether you want to encourage the friendship or not.

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