Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To arrange a play date behind DH's back

71 replies

Oysterbabe · 20/08/2022 13:14

DD is 6. She's generally a well behaved and sensible girl. In reception they pair the children with a study buddy. She was put with James, who can be difficult to manage and is told off and has to miss some of play time almost every day. They quickly became the very best of friends and nearly 2 years later she still absolutely adores him. Her teachers have said to us a few times that she's a good influence on James, but that he can be a bad influence on her. If he's doing something he shouldn't be doing she will often (I'm sure very willingly) go along with it and around once a week or so she'll end up being told off too. James has quite recently been referred to Senco for assessment because of his behaviour.

DH wants us to do whatever we can to discourage this friendship. He is dead against her seeing him unless there's no choice, like at school. We're deep into the summer holidays now and DD misses him so much. She seems really sad today. I asked her about it and she said she just wishes she could talk to James. I'm thinking of messaging his mum to see if they want to meet us in the park. DH would be furious at me for arranging it but he's a 6 year old boy, not Satan, and he's DD's best friend. They'll be together in 2 weeks anyway. It's breaking my heart watching her pine for him.

OP posts:
KalvinPhillipsBoots · 21/08/2022 04:12

Mumspair1 · 20/08/2022 13:23

I wouldn't do it behind his back, in fact I would also not encourage this friendship out of school.

Why is that then? Her husband sounds awful

ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 21/08/2022 04:23

I've been in your shoes OP. When my DS1 was in reception he was best friends with the "naughty" boy in the class (years later the boy was diagnosed with ADHD), whereas DS1 was a very well behaved child. I can't say I was delighted about this, but I went ahead with play dates etc (while also encouraging other friendships). Your DD can learn, as my DS1 did, that you can be friends with someone but not always follow what they do. This is a really valuable lesson as she gets older!

Oysterbabe · 21/08/2022 06:57

Just for my amusement, does your DH ever organise playdates?

No chance in hell.

OP posts:
ScootyAlan · 21/08/2022 08:38

I'm disgusting by the amount of people on this thread who think it's ok to ditch a kid because they have SEN! 😡

PersonaNonGarter · 21/08/2022 08:41

Sparklfairy · 20/08/2022 13:28

Youre making a parental decision that is in the best interests of your DD. Are you scared of his reaction?

This^

I think your DH sounds a bit odd. They are 6. This little boy is not even coming to your house, yet you are scared of your DH’s reaction?

Have you both slightly overplayed how much of an influence James is?

Tinkerblonde1 · 21/08/2022 08:47

ScootyAlan · 21/08/2022 08:38

I'm disgusting by the amount of people on this thread who think it's ok to ditch a kid because they have SEN! 😡

Agree! A lot of you are not very inclusive are you.
Disgusting. He is 6.

Tigofigo · 21/08/2022 08:51

Not a fan of your DH trying to choose your DD's friends for her. And the fact he'd be furious makes it worse. Awful, controlling behaviour.

SolasAnla · 21/08/2022 08:52

ScootyAlan · 21/08/2022 08:38

I'm disgusting by the amount of people on this thread who think it's ok to ditch a kid because they have SEN! 😡

You are ignoring that the OP's school has a policy of using unpaid 6 year olds behavioural therapist?

ScootyAlan · 21/08/2022 09:01

SolasAnla · 21/08/2022 08:52

You are ignoring that the OP's school has a policy of using unpaid 6 year olds behavioural therapist?

NO. I'm not ignoring that at all. It warrants further investigation.
BUT it is a whole separate issue. These children are best friends regardless. And the DH is demanding that this child is rejected, purely on the grounds that they have SEN. That is shitty behaviour.

WhereAreMyAirpods · 21/08/2022 09:02

I wouldn't want to encourage the friendship either.

And agree that the school sounds shit, pairing up well behaved children with disruptive children and expecting 5 year olds to do the regulating of classroom behaviour.

Oysterbabe · 21/08/2022 09:28

They were sat together in reception but not in year 1. For the last year the time they've spent together has been through their own choice. We don't actually talk about best friends, but that's what they are. She talks about him 10 times more than any other child. They go to afterschool club together too and when I turn up to collect he always begs me not to take her yet and to go for a walk until his mum gets there.

DH is away until this evening. I'll talk to him about it then and tell him we're going to meet at the park. He'll be annoyed but maybe appeased when I suggest, as mentioned here, that it will be a good opportunity to see the dynamic between them. I will put a message on the class chat too to see if any other children want to come along.

OP posts:
Tigofigo · 21/08/2022 09:37

WhereAreMyAirpods · 21/08/2022 09:02

I wouldn't want to encourage the friendship either.

And agree that the school sounds shit, pairing up well behaved children with disruptive children and expecting 5 year olds to do the regulating of classroom behaviour.

My guess is that 90% of schools do this in one way or another (although they may not be so obvious about it). If you're not aware of it, your child is probably not one of the best behaved kids 😂

SolasAnla · 21/08/2022 09:39

ScootyAlan · 21/08/2022 09:01

NO. I'm not ignoring that at all. It warrants further investigation.
BUT it is a whole separate issue. These children are best friends regardless. And the DH is demanding that this child is rejected, purely on the grounds that they have SEN. That is shitty behaviour.

Only if the DH's attitude changed since they found out the boy was being assessed.
If DH has been against the friendship from the start because he believed (rightly or wrongly) that his daughter is not benefiting from the relationship, he has a right to voice that opinion as a parent.
He may have a very different attitude to the importance of school and learning than the OP. OP is aware that the school teacher attributes DD's bad behaviour, (as in DD loosing learning time by disrupting the class) to the friendship and is using her child to make the teachers job easier.

They both need to discuss what they feel is best as parents and hopefully come to some kind of agreement.
But involving a 6 year old in deceptions about play dates is not the way to go. Even at 6, a child can spot the dynamics of doing something forbidden then hiding it by deception behaviour.

Plus the OP would have to ask the boys mother not to say anything to her son too.

Staynow · 21/08/2022 11:03

It's ok to say in horror 'oh the boy is being excluded due to SEN' but I think we have to remember that the OP's dd is ending up regularly getting told off because she is easily influenced and being influenced by him. I can understand why the dad is concerned. Obviously in an ideal world dd would be taught to say no and do the right thing but at 6 that can still be very, very tricky especially if she is naturally quite a people pleaser and she really likes him.

We had a child with ADHD on our road who took a liking to my son, I was fine with them playing once a week, then he started coming round our house every single day and banging on the door continuously and wouldn't leave, if we said we were busy he'd stand peering in the windows and being a general nuisance, his parents didn't care. I really regretted ever having him round and I say that having one with SEN myself.

That said these two are already good friends and a supervised play date sounds like a good option for you to see how they are interact. The study buddy thing on the other hand sounds awful and I would be talking to the school about how inappropriate it is to use very young well behaved girls to control/support challenging boys.

Pinkishpurple · 21/08/2022 11:24

Urghh i hate it when school's use this kind of behaviour management! To buddy them up for a whole year is wrong. My quiet well behaved daughter was sat next two poorly behaved boys for months until i found out. The school were very much but the boys behave better with a well behaved girl! My daughter was struggling with her work as it was! Moved her to another school turned out she was dyslexic and had been really struggling with her loud table mates!

Pinkishpurple · 21/08/2022 11:28

I should also say i think meeting up with him is fine, just use it as an opportunity to work out how to teach your daughter to make good decisions about behaviour

Fml1980 · 21/08/2022 11:42

If they now choose to be friends then I wouldn't have no problem going for play dates.
They will both learn from each other I would think.
It would be quite sad for the pair of them to stop contact because a 6 year old has sen.

I do get why posters feel that some children are used to try and make other children behaved though.

My son has sen and tbh his class and parents have been brilliant.
But I do get how children can be used as his sister (my youngest) has been used to take my sen child back into school at breaktimes and lunchtimes.
To comfort him when he is angry or sad and sometimes it did seem to much and they are both my children.

But children who are disruptive no matter sen or not will be worse behaved if sat next to others that are disruptive.
So I can understand why they are sat next to the well behaved child.
Does not make it right of course but when they have only 1 teacher amd maybe a TA to a class of 32 then I don't know what options they have.

We need more funding but that's unlikely to happen.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2022 16:43

Oysterbabe · 21/08/2022 06:57

Just for my amusement, does your DH ever organise playdates?

No chance in hell.

He's not the manager and you're not staff. If you're doing the organising of school relationships, you manage them how to see fit.

Doing none of the actual work while dictating how it's done is no better when it's relationships than it is my friend whose DH likes to tell her how to wash up WHEN HE DOESN'T.

Denny53 · 21/08/2022 16:52

StripeyBumblebee · 20/08/2022 13:21

I wouldn’t do it behind his back but I would do it without his permission.

This!

Kite22 · 21/08/2022 17:58

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2022 16:43

He's not the manager and you're not staff. If you're doing the organising of school relationships, you manage them how to see fit.

Doing none of the actual work while dictating how it's done is no better when it's relationships than it is my friend whose DH likes to tell her how to wash up WHEN HE DOESN'T.

This

Bearsinmotion · 21/08/2022 18:14

Ah, this so reminds me of DD! She was buddied up with a boy in second year who was difficult in school, and now has a SEN diagnosis. They are now going into year 6 and are still best friends. She’s very bright academically and help him with maths and science, he is really creative and has an emotional intelligence way beyond his years, they work really well together. He has come on holiday with us a couple of times and is so lovely and helpful, she only helps when he tells her to!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page