To arrange a play date behind DH's back

[Oysterbabe]

DD is 6. She's generally a well behaved and sensible girl. In reception they pair the children with a study buddy. She was put with James, who can be difficult to manage and is told off and has to miss some of play time almost every day. They quickly became the very best of friends and nearly 2 years later she still absolutely adores him. Her teachers have said to us a few times that she's a good influence on James, but that he can be a bad influence on her. If he's doing something he shouldn't be doing she will often (I'm sure very willingly) go along with it and around once a week or so she'll end up being told off too. James has quite recently been referred to Senco for assessment because of his behaviour.

DH wants us to do whatever we can to discourage this friendship. He is dead against her seeing him unless there's no choice, like at school. We're deep into the summer holidays now and DD misses him so much. She seems really sad today. I asked her about it and she said she just wishes she could talk to James. I'm thinking of messaging his mum to see if they want to meet us in the park. DH would be furious at me for arranging it but he's a 6 year old boy, not Satan, and he's DD's best friend. They'll be together in 2 weeks anyway. It's breaking my heart watching her pine for him.

It has occurred to me that it was no accident that they were put together. They swap study buddy each year and in year 1 she was put with another difficult boy. This one is still learning English and she hasn't formed the same kind of friendship. Her and James still seek eachother out at any given opportunity. We'll see who she gets this year. I might have to talk to the school.

I'm going to message James's mum and see if they want to meet in the next few days and I'll tell DH what I'm doing. He'll have to just deal with it. It will really make her happy and I'll be there to supervise.

My children are in seniors now, they have always been the 'good influence' right throughout primary school.

I second what another poster has said, you need to keep a close eye on how that works in practice. There were several occasions where my boys were severely disadvantaged in their education.

There came a point when I spoke to school after they took ds2 out of an incredible learning experience because his friend couldn't manage the lesson and the teacher decided my ds should sit in the library with him.

I wouldn't mind them playing in the park together, but I would want a bit of mixing up in school time.

Ask him who her sees them becoming.. Bonnie and Clyde?
Jeepers they are little dc!!
Thankfully your dd is more empathetic than her df!

The school is using your girl as a passifier for the boy. She is loosing out on learning if she is misbehaving with him in class. Why would you be ok with the school doing that to her?
I see why yout DH wants to cool the friendship and to encouraged her to make more friends.
You should discuss the situation together and come to an agreement.

Oh it’s crap when schools use girls to manage boys! It’s pretty much always this way round too

I'd tell your husband to grow up. The kid is 6. He needs to get over himself.

You need to tackle the school in a very determined manner.

This policy of pairing well behaved children with trouble makers is horrible and the mark of a lazy, poorly trained teaching staff and school leadership.

The teacher is basically palming off a classroom problem onto a child.

It needs to stop. Your child is not responsible for keeping another child in line. The sexist element of this is disturbing too. Don't take this awful arrangement as a compliment to your daughter. Take it as yet another example of girls being expected to police the behaviour of boys and do the emotional work others should be doing.

The regulation of this boy's behaviour in class is the job of the teacher.

Your daughter's job in school is to learn, not to do bloody wifework.

Encourage other friendships for your daughter. Not all bad behaviour is due to SN. Some of it is down to bad parenting.

Don't go behind your husband's back. He has a valid point and you wouldn't like it if the positions were reversed.

Both of you need to look very carefully at the school environment and the expectations teachers have of the girls there. You need to challenge what's going on. It's not good for either the boys or the girls.

If you and James mum are supervising them then I don't see an issue;a teacher and a TA with a class of 30 is different.

James mum also might be glad to have another mum to talk to;it's lonely having thé SEND child's mum that none of the other mums know how to talk to.

Don't hide it;tell him myself&James mum are taking them to the park/soft play/on a walk etc

In infant school my DD was being targeted by a particular boy;I didn't want her anywhere near him.It turns out he was a victim of abuse and has ADHD.The poor kid moved in with his aunt after his mum caused him an injury causing a permanent disfigurement to his face.In junior school after he got the right support needed he&my DD became good friends.

You need to talk to your husband about this and try to understand his point of view. I would be concerned that your daughter is being put into the good girl role to look after the naughty boy and that's not a good life lesson for her to have - she's not going to understand that he may have special needs, just that he's naughty and she has to help him to be good. Or be naughty with him so he's not missing out on playtime by himself.

it would bother me that she was getting into trouble by going along with his ideas - I don't think it's a lesson in dealing with peer pressure, for those who think it is, it certainly isn't working if she keeps getting in trouble once a week.

But dh is equally entitled to make that parental decision
How would OP feel if she had very strong feelings about something to do with her dcs welfare and.her dh ignored her and did th he opposite

The school sounds absolutely shit. Study buddies and missing playtimes.

Arrange for them to meet. She will get valuable life lesson from it.

I was once the mother of that little boy. Later diagnosed with ADHD. He had a little girl as his best friend. My son is the most lovable, loyal and clever little boy but could never sit still and always acted on his impulses. He’s still great friends many years later with the same little girl. (Not best friends now but I suspect their friendship will go on for years.) Luckily her mother was open minded and compassionate and had experience of additional needs in the family. Her willingness to go with the friendship meant the world to me. I hope you and your husband can do the same.

Absolutely this. They're 6 year old kids. Neither cares one jot about diagnoses, they are just friends.

Women are not men's support humans.
Girls are not boys support humans.

The schools behaviour shows how early girls are taught that this is their role.

If it was just w friendship that struck up, that's fine, but given that's twice now your daughter has been chosen as support human to a boy, I wouldn't be encouraging the friendship if it was a bad influence on her.

I detest seeing well-behaved girls being teamed up with poorly-behaved boys in an effort to make the boy behave better. Fine now and then, but the educational weight of James as a study-buddy should be shared out among the class. And not just with the 'good girls'.

^ I agree with this. Your DD is being used inappropriately.

I'm with your DH. Is she actually natural friends with him or have the school conditioned her as a caretaker.
And if he is causing issues for her I would want them dealt with before a having else.

JFC I can't believe schools are still doing this to girls.

I'm sorry, but what the school does is irrelevant.
THIS is the only bit that matters:
"They quickly became the very best of friends and nearly 2 years later she still absolutely adores him."
Your husbands behaviour smacks of prejudice against someone with SEN.
You have to give your child the message that people who are "different" are equally as worthy of our time as anyone else. It seems that she already has a better grip on this than her father.

Everyone is making valid points and I can understand why my husband feels as he does, he doesn't want her to get up to mischief. Her year 1 teacher has been working with her on assertiveness, as have we. She isn't great at saying no to her peers.

However it started, they care about each other now. Her whole face lights up when she sees him. If something cool happens it's always 'I can't wait to tell James about this'. They're going to be friends at school anyway, I don't see the harm in letting her meet him for a bit in the holidays.

I'd let her OP. It's cute ☺️

The school clearly doesn't know what it is trying to achieve here.

You can't simultaneously expect a child to monitor a trouble maker who has enough of a will to defy staff in school and at the same time expect the child to be assertive.

Your daughter is a meek girl who gets in trouble occasionally under the influence of the boy she is sitting beside. She is doing this to impress him and also to get the attention of the teacher. This is a dysfunctional school with jurassic style methods of classroom management.

Your little daughter fully knows which of the two of them matters in the eyes of the school. Hint: it's not her. She's there to do the teacher's job, not to be treated equally.

Find her a school that doesn't use the free labour and nice natures of little girls to solve classroom problems. Find her a school that knows how to promote true assertiveness.

I would be all for changing schools if the school won't end this horrible, sexist practice.

Arrange the playdate. Tell your DH. Ignore the posters who think mixed behaviour and mixed ability seating is evil rather than an opportunity for friendships, compassion and learning.

How would you feel if your husband did something with your child that you were absolutely against? Or does that not matter because what you think is best should trump how he feels? I'm not saying your husband is right, but I am saying you will absolutely damage your marriage if you don't deal with this respectfully.

I love this friendship! And your daughter sounds lovely

My DD was James. ADHD, bit of a handful. Fortunately some kids and their parents stuck with us and she's wonderful now. Perfectly behaved. You just have to work with her, and James' mum, on her avoiding peer pressure and not being his designated support human.

Funnily enough one mum always says that her perfect angel and DD swapped places and now he's got behavioural issues and DD doesn't.

If everyone is kind and has boundaries, you can navigate this stuff. Just for my amusement, does your DH ever organise playdates? Or just micro-manage your work...